Non-textbook symptoms of bpd?

@friendlyKite2529 I'm not an expert, but I've read that there can be a lot of overlap between depression and BPD, and it's also possible to be diagnosed with both at the same time. Depression can be a very complex disorder with many symptoms, including anxiety. So what you're trying to find out is a very complicated matter, even for professionals.

You mention that you've seen a psychiatrist, but you don't mention what treatment you're having for your depression and bulimia. Are you having treatment, and is it working? If you are somehow able to discover that you have BPD instead (or in addition), would that help you to recover?

Charlie

so I am doing an anti depressant and therapy. I do see improvement but I also see a long way to go and sometimes I feel hopeless that I’ll ever get better

@friendlyKite2529 I suppose it's possible feeling hopeless could be caused by your depression. Is your therapist hopeful? Have you been able to discover the original cause of your depression and begin work on changing it?

Charlie

I think that sufferers of bulimia have a powerful need to control what goes in and stays in their bodies. That control is a driving force behind the bulimics need to binge and purge. With bpd, having control is almost non existent, especially over our emotions. Too often we have little control over letting our emotions hurt others or ourselves. I would be curious to know if these can exist together when they appear to have opposite driving forces.

@kindTurtle3738 That's an interesting perspective. I Googled it, and found several sources confirming that BPD and bulimia can go together. For example, one article about BPD and eating disorders says:

"BPD has shown to be present in about…28% of those with bulimia nervosa."

The same article explains the many links between BPD and bulimia in more detail.

Charlie

Eating disorders are most commonly associated with mood disorders.

@RarelyCharlie

eating disorders can correlate with bpd, although it is a paradox on how how eds strive for control and with bpd, its always an intense feeling to have control but its often not possible.

@kindTurtle3738

It looks like people with BPD are more likely to have eating disorders than the general population. Some possible explanations that have been given for this: 1) both are associated with a history of childhood trauma, 2) some of the symptoms of BPD can be risk factors for an eating disorder (e.g. increased impulsivity, self-harm urges).
https://www.verywellmind.com/eating-disorders-and-borderline-personality-425424

least one more psychiatric diagnosis. The most common psychiatric comorbidities associated with eating disorders include mood disorders such as major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders - particularly OCD and social anxiety disorder - post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance use disorders, sexual dysfunction, and self-harm and suicide ideation.

True childhood trauma can link bulimia and anorexia as well as symptoms of impulsivity and self harm can also link the two

@kindTurtle3738

Found it 😊
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/types/comorbidity/

@kindTurtle3738

Yeah, I wonder if it would be like BPD creates that feeling of not having control... and then the ED helps resolve that feeling because it's like "At least I can try to have some control over my body."

"For the person with an eating disorder, controlling food and the body is their way of relieving distress and achieving some degree of control over their life. Their world feels like an unsafe place, and, for many complex reasons, an eating disorder provides them with a sense of safety."
https://www.bodywhys.ie/understanding-eating-disorders/key-issues/eating-disorders-are-a-coping-mechanism/

TW: potentially triggering

I had a short battle with anorexia in high school. It started with a classmate I made friends with after school, while waiting on my younger brother, who averaged 3 detentions a week, to finish so we could drive home. She made a suicide pact with me on a Thursday for the next morning. I didn’t do it but she did. I told the guidance counselor but she sent her home!!! I know that must have made her feel more unloved and alone. At home she then took my half too. I got the call and drove to hospital. She was dying in children’s ICU. She kept crying that she wanted someone to stop her. On Sunday afternoon she died. I stopped eating. I felt that sense of control as it replaced my guilt. Feeling hungry felt so good and it kept my mind off of my friend who should be alive. If only one person had simply said “I want you to be in the world. You do matter. You’re loved. I will miss you, so you are not leaving “ she would still be doing the yearbook and newsletter. I wouldn’t be so guilt ridden. Instead , i would lose 33% of my body weight in a failed attempt to have control. Control that got out of control. The hunger felt good though. I felt so empty physically It helped me forget how there was nothing real in me. All I ever felt was empty and fake. I existed to please others, and if I failed, I wanted to die. I knew there was something different about me. My siblings criticized me cause I was so emotional. So fidgety(I hated that word). So I turned it all off. That only blinded me from seeing how I could’ve saved her life. Didn’t see the control I thought I had was more about ending my life. Several years past before I try accept how empty I am. Unreal and unstable. Easily rejected by others because I don’t matter. I’m empty and hurt already so what damage could one more abandonment matter. I still battle between being numb or feeling the pain. I really do desire to make others feel better. And I can handle being expendable. I can’t handle changing whoever I am. I adjust pretty good to whatever rabbit hole I fall in. I’ have to be ok with that if I want to survive. I hope this makes some sense but it may only to others like me. Look at it as your purpose born out of sadness or fear. Guilt or shame or whatever it was that never allowed you be more normal. For me now, different is what I like best about me :)))
_{[Edited by @QuietMagic 10/24/21 to include TW at top per guidelines]}

@kindTurtle3738

Really appreciate you sharing. 💜 There are so many experiences and feelings there and I imagine I'd have a really hard time sharing everything that you've shared, especially given what you've said about how there's this "battle between being numb or feeling the pain".

That's really sad that nobody was able to save her when all she wanted was for someone to tell her they wanted her to stay. 😟 Can understand what you're saying that stopping eating felt like it helped because the physical emptiness kept your mind off of that guilt and emotional emptiness.

(I wonder if also with what you've mentioned that your siblings pressured you into turning off your emotions... maybe having that physical emptiness felt like a way of honestly expressing and honoring that part of yourself that still felt emotionally empty. And also honoring the enormity of the loss of your friend and how much her life mattered to you.)

"I adjust pretty good to whatever rabbit hole I fall in. I have to be ok with that if I want to survive." That makes sense. Like if being numb is what's necessary for survival, it isn't ideal but it's something you're okay with if that's what it takes.

"I can't handle changing whoever I am." Sort of like, "I can't pretend that these feelings of guilt, shame, etc. don't exist or pretend to be completely normal when I know I'm not normal; this is who I am right now and I have to make the best of it"?

How do you do it? If there wasn’t already a Freud , you would have been the first to realize there’s more than just one way to interpret what someone says or does. Reacts or responds to things you make it feel more normal to me and acceptable and that’s a good thing so thank you for allowing us the use of your gift. It is definitely a gift. I always look forward to anything you post :))

@kindTurtle3738

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you felt like I understood, and I'm also glad that me mentioning some possible associations that popped out for me didn't feel like I was putting words in your mouth.

Most every tough thing in my life is over and not even a fleeting thought. That year though will always haunt me cause it has for this long. It’s because there were so many times we could have helped her. It is only because she wanted our help thst it feels so terrible. Thinking of how it felt as she returned home stumbling . I do fault the counselor because my friend was obviously drugged and I said it was suicide attempt but why did she send her home. It was a strange week that I no longer believe was concern but tbe counselor wanting me not to tell anyone. That is tough too. I don’t know what mistakes I made that made things worse