Is this related? What is this?
Hi.. So I've been dealing with Borderline Personality disorder for a while and am becoming more aware of struggles I'm dealing with and am not sure if they are related or even what they are at all. So for example, earlier tonight I was at a party and I felt really withdrawn and felt like I was watching a movie and I wasn't in it. I wasn't watching myself as if I was dissociating though. I have weird experiences and thoughts like that often. I just feel like I look at the world through really different eyes. I also cannot seem to shake the urge to want to sleep with whatever guy I come across. I've been down that road before and its never pleasant but I keep wanting to go back. And I want to drink often but have already gotten a DUI so i can't. When I "live life by the rules" i guess you could say I feel really confined and bored like I'm not being myself which triggers all the urges. Life externally is going amazing for me right now but I still have really intense urges including the ones above and self harm and suicide... I guess I'm just really confused as to why this keeps happening! I have all the skills and use them and they don't help right now. It gets to the point where it almost isn't possible to use skills. I'm just so sick of this pattern. Does anyone have any suggestions, thoughts, connections in all this? ....Thanks for responding in advance!
Hi there! First off, I'm really glad to hear above all else, that your life is going well. That's great and definitely helpful for you to be able to work on the issues you're having!
In regards to your feelings of being in a movie, it's actually common for people with BPD to disassociate in different forms. What you described, in my experience, does sound like mild disassociation. There are many different forms and types, not all are scary! Often times, for me personally, it's just periods of time where you feel lost, or "zoned out", or miss a few moments of time. I have experienced the depersonalization you described earlier where you feel like you're watching yourself from the outside. These typically, for me, only happen in really, really high stress times. Fight or flight type response, you know? :P It's useful to try and and remember to use grounding techniques in these times.
Do you think it's fair to say that you're having impulse control issues right now, in regards to your need to drink, seduce guys or self harm? You're not alone, impulsivity is also a major thing that a lot of borderlines struggle with everyday, I know I do! It's a really frustrating feeling to be constantly fighting with yourself. You mentioned that you know and use the skills to cope with this, which is awesome, but you're feeling like they're not working at the moment. That happens to the best of us, unfortunately, and you're going to be able to work on getting back to a point where they will. You'll find a comfortable place!
In regards to suggestions and such on how to do that, that is so specific to your situation and to who you are as a person and how you cope.. Ultimately, the solution to this will have to come from within.
I hope I helped clarify some things for you. Good luck, and we are here for you! <3
Thank you for responding! You were very helpful
Derealization seems to be what you're describing, it's a form of dissociation like mentioned above and both dissociation and impulse control issues are common BPD symptoms.. I myself face them quite often, you're not alone x
@poetrylover14
I am so sorry you're struggling with this. I will go ahead and say yes, feelings of unreality are an aspect of BPD. I experience this a great deal myself along with dissociation. The feelings your describing sound like impulses. The best way, for me, to combat these is to use healthy replacement behaviors. For example, instead of making major life changes, I'll travel, instead of self-injury, a long hot bath, and the like. I have a complex relationship with alcohol as well and try to avoid it when I am feeling overly emotional or unstable. This can also be difficult however as I don't always know how to cry when I am sober. I also attempt to do art during times of distress. Are you in counseling?
I hope you begin to feel calmer soon. Best wishes. <3