Is so hard having BPD 😓
I've had BPD probably all my life, but was not until a year or two ago that I got officially diagnosed, my family thought it was depression, until I actually tried to k.ll myself twice.
I've been reading, and watching several youtube videos on BPD and found out that it was a very common disorder among many people, that have survived sexual or physical abuse on childhood. I've been through both, and of course emotional neglect too.
The way that I learned to deal with the stress was through sex and porn. And things have gotten very blurred and dark in there, leading me to a severe depression, since I was adolescent, until now, like 10 years of depression...
But things have just begun to get even harder, after getting out from school, and going into college. The stress was so high, that these last 5 years of my life, got totally wasted, like nothing. Moving from relationship to relationship, failure through failure, more and more depressed. Reaching to a point that I don't even want to fight anymore, and if I keep living is only due to Inertia, that I just can't or wont k.ll myself. Even when I want to.
Friends? None. Love? Sick, real sick, like... toxic. Family? Also sick, I only have my mom, and suspect she has BPD too, so, it really doesn't help at all.
Being ME against the world... and even worse, ME against MYSELF... my own worst enemy. I have nothing left to say but, man is so hard. To live this way. 😪😪😪
@crimsonPlane2738
I am sorry you are suffering and struggling so much due to your BPD.
It's so sad how the bad luck you had in your childhood now causes you to
suffer from this condition. You did nothing to deserve this. I hope and
wish things will get better for you in the future and that you will
find the happiness you always deserved. Don't give up <3
There's nothing worse than your mind turning against you, separating you from the world, splitting you against yourself. A split like that creates tremendous anxiety. Uncertainty. Then the unbearable guilt and shame and loathing. I suffer from BPD myself. And have a similar story of abandoned relationships friendships, dumpster fire of academics, deadend jobs, suicide attempts, and blurs of drug addiction. I was also diagnosed a year ago and my BPD has gotten so much better since.
Through my own investigation and my therapist's help I came to find that the root of it all is that I do not know myself. So I cannot judge myself well. I also feel more psychological pain than everyone else. All my years I didn't realize that perpetually unstable self image and the kind pain I dealt with weren't the norm. And that right there is the key. Finding out who I am. Zen Buddhist Indian philosophy helped me a lot in this regard. Too see myself as I am. Mindfulness therapy helped a lot too.
What I'm trying to say is BPD is truly godawful wouldn't wish it on even the most despicable human. But it doesn't have to be a death sentence. You can have a normalish life. A life of happiness, sobriety, a stable relationship, mending things with family to a certain degree if you wish to (a family caused my BPD according to my therapist but still you do it for your sake not theirs). I have those things now; I feel eternally grateful. I can imagine the *** you live through, it really is ***. But you can most certainly break out of it. If I did it, anyone can. I truly wish you well with all the love in my heart.
@crimsonPlane2738
That is rough, I wish people were more kind and understanding as well as accepting towards ppl with BPD. They need to be more like Marah Linnihan
Yeah it is hard to have BPD. I have psychosis and for a while i thought an entity was stalking me and communicating telepathically, i would send *** to random ppl thinking that i was sending *** to god. Now I’m isolated and depressed. I won’t talk to ppl because of it and a lot of people have stopped talking to me because i don’t go out. I was hospitalised several times too over the past couple years cause of psychosis and wanting to off things.
it’s real hard for people with trauma because not everyone understands it very well. Not even therapists. I’ve tried relating to normal people too and they aren’t really interested in talking about the deep stuff. They always wanna keep things light. I have a hard time gauging what I’m saying but i always feel bad because i end up talking about depressing stuff too much.
Me too. Ur not alone in this. Ppl always wanna keep things light. Ugh. Even therapists have hard time understanding
Feel free to tag my name when doing discussions! Since we can’t msg each other. It’s good to have each others backs and talk thru things
im in college rn and it’s so hard. Feel free to tag my name when doing discussions! Since we can’t msg each other. It’s good to have each others backs and talk thru things.