Inner turmoil, becomes outward turmoil by "splitting"
So last night, I went home and I usually take my nighttime medications - smoke some weed (legal here) and relax with my husband and watch silly stuff on youtube until we go to sleep.
Once I got to my usual smoke session, I put on a song by Janet Jackson that I haven't heard in YEARS. It was "Doesn't really matter", a pretty positive song... but I think something about hearing it triggered me somehow. Not sure if something happened and I had been listening to that song or what but next thing, I start looking up weird doomsday kind of stuff. I went and kind of forced my partner to watch the disturbing thing with me (doomsday robots?!) He asked me Why? and I said "Because It's fun!" I felt like I was outside of myself, watching myself be a complete weirdo and during these phases there's no way out except rest or time. Once he sat down, he told me that I was having one of those episodes(splitting) and he was going to bed and wasn't going to play into it this time. Once he said that, I sat back and watched the really strange video I put on.
We sat there and the more I came back to from splitting, the weirder the situation felt. I thought to myself "Why did I put this on?? Why did I want to make him watch it??" I honestly didn't do much, but when I split tbh I feel like a Monster. I don't want to mentally be abusive to him because I freaking love him. I could see the fear in his body language; All he does is help me out in life and that's all I wish to do for him.
Any advice on looking deep within to figure out what source might cause splitting??? Or how to do it?
THANK YOU
ps - this is very hard for me to post because just recently I figured out I was being mentally abusive, so i've taken it upon myself to look into working on That issue, because hurting anyone even if mentally and not physically, is not what I want myself to be doing.