How would you define love for a borderline?
I feel kind of lost because I don't like the idea of love much. This is really cheesy but I'm curious anyway. What does a person need to feel in order to love another person romantically?
I know platonic love to me is caring for a person a lot and wanting them to be with you for life but when I apply this to romantic love then I feel empty because it doesn't make enough sense as I just don't feel anything with JUST that plus the obvious(sex + commitment).
I sort of to think that romantic love for me is when you're emotionally connected to someone at a level where they can trigger sadness, happiness, anger, etc. easily in you, that'd be along with being hugely sexually attracted to them and enjoying their personality. The caring is added with it but unless it hurts, I don't feel close to the person and unless a person can trigger multiple emotions in me, I can't /love/ or want to love them at all. I like being controlled and if I'm being controlled well, I form attachment which you can cal love but it just isn't.
I don't want to like love at all but romantic love is enjoyable to me just because I'm both a sadist and a masochist and I couldn't find it attractive any other way. I don't want to hurt or be hurt by everyone but if I already find a person attractive then I want to be hurt and hurt them a lot, repeatedly. I wouldn't hurt them if they didn't want me to but also I couldn't care about them if I couldn't hurt them.
I would ask, "How do you define attachment for a Borderline?" Love is a positive emotion, and we all feel it. Attachement for someone in the thick of Borderline is about constantly percieving oneself as protected or abandoned, worthy or not worthy, accepting or rejecting...These are all extremes on the emotional/congitive spectrum, whereas most people flow with more consistency.
Psychoanalysis says that this is due to parents providing love and then not providing love very quickly. This has actually held true in a lot of cases. If you don't beleive in psychoanalysis, you can say that these swaying emotions are just the product of too much emotional instability. Borderline Personality Disorder is known as Emotionally Unstable Personality in Europe. Borderline is a term to describe how it almost appears as being other conditions.
@SurferRosa I think I sort of understand what you're saying. If someone's parents are on and off about providing attention and care for them too much then it makes the chances of BPD higher which I relate to.
The problem is I have no idea if I've ever felt love romantically because I don't understand it at all....... I don't know how to put it into words because I can rationalize so many ways to describe what I'm feeling and then debate myself as to why that's not love and its only attachment mixed with infatuation. It makes me sad to think that those two alone are what love would be because that never lasts and people get over me quickly, in about a month because I can't believe they love me romantically, ever....
Can you please tell me more about what your point of view of this is, I think you're looking at it from an interesting angle I hadn't thought about much.
Side note: I know kids getting little to no attention at all can make them psychopathic and I assumed that it was something similar for BPD but I don't know much about psychoanalysis even though from what you've said so far, I find it agreeable.
@SurferRosa Now, I'm convincing myself I don't need to ever be attached or care if love lasts which makes me more stable but also it makes me so numb..... I don't think I could /love/ someone unless I made myself unhealthy again and the problem with that is if I were unhealthy then nobody would be able to handle me for long....
@Yourfairygodbro
I have been where you are now, wondering, "What is love? Baby don't hut me..." It's pretty confusing and emotionally whirly process to go through. Pay specific attention to the "baby don't hurt me" part. It seems like you are afraid of being in love because you are afraid of being hurt. The easiest way to deny that you are in love, since you have been a loving partner, is to deconstruct love until it is "not a real thing".
You're very good at describing how you are feeling. Otherwise, I would have had no hope in answering your question. You are also fairly good at describing what you are thinking, since your analytical thoughts about love reminded me a lot of mine from the past. The "angle" I am approaching it from is a logical one, one that the average person will not go into when you ask them questions about love.
Average people do not know how a Borderline feels. There was this saying from a movie, "When I look at you, I feel as though I cannot think," that I saw in a romance movie traier. Truth is that love is definitely a thing, and you are having it a lot of the time. It's a scientifically proven basic emotion that can be replicated by drugs that change neurotransmitters. This means that love is not simply a byproduct of an emotional complex, not in you or your partner. It is a basic emotion with a neurochemical basis.
The emotional numbing you are feeling is the response of quickly switching between feeling love and not, which is emotionally jarring, but it is making you feel safe because you have done it in self defense, basically the essence of Borderline. What I'm doing right now is, "validating, relating, explaining, and checking the facts", techniques developed by Marsha Linehan, a woman who had to overcome a particularly bad case of Borderline by herself after being traumatized by ineffective treatment for Schizophrenia she didn't have. If you want to investigate Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, that would be a good idea.
You might already have read the book, but it's putting the answers into real life contexts that makes it useful, so the therapy takes a lot of time. Very basically, the solution is to have an even balance between thoughts and feelings. There is also advice for solving distorted thoughts like, "He was mean to me. He cannot possibly love me." Accepting that these two things are true at the same time, truly accepting it, will help you feel more emotionally stable and rational.
@SurferRosa
I also forgot to stress that the switching to not feeling love is not actually safer. That level of emotional lability means you will be in love again really soon, so it didn't accomplish anything towards your safety. The real solution is to reduce the emotional lability by changing thoughts/feelings. This will actually make you safer.
@SurferRosa Thank you so so much...... I'll research about this more and I haven't read the book but I will.... I'd say you don't but you probably do know much this helps me since you seem to understand BPD really deeply.
I'll try to understand myself more and I'm glad that this numbness isn't as healthy as it gets.
@SurferRosa Also, thank you for not seeing it as a horrific "nothing can be fixed" sorta thing and adding a comedic spin on things lol
@Yourfairygodbro
I just echo what I have heard. That is the difference between me and a therapist. Therapists learn what works (hopefully) in the field.
Borderline is not hopeless. It can be a weird experience, though.
Great share!
I have to say I like the word "attachment" here better myself. I am of the opinion that many individuals are not always aware of the leve of work, communication, and selflessness that goes into relationships and this is when and why they suffer. Marriage is not something I wanted or planned for, but I was pursued nonetheless, therefore complicating my life/wellness considerably. I also do not think of love in a traditional sense, but in the role of decision making. While falling in love can be somewhat spiraling and breathtaking, I do think there is a great deal of choice involved when it comes to long-term relationships. You have so much to consider when it comes to sharing your life with someone. For me, despite having mental illness, that foundation falls on friendship because that companionship and respect is what is going to carry you through the hard/neutral stuff. You're right, these things are intesely complex within the realm of BPD and require a uniquely equipped participant to be successful.
Awesome food for thought, thanks.
@blitheSun94 Also, from the sound of it, you do seem to be really emotionally intelligent. I'm glad that it's possible to have a healthy close connection with someone as long as you're willing to work on it because you seem to know what you're doing. I have a tendency to doubt that's possible for myself...
@Yourfairygodbro
You are most welcome! 
Well, of course, everyone is different. I have had a number of friends comment that they would not be capable of making the same compromises I have in my relationships. But at the end of the day, I do love him and the life we are trying to build. We have unique obstacles as well in that I am diagnosed with three different psychiatric illnesses. He is very loving and supportive and I don't think the dynamic would survive without this input from him. Personally, I have things to work on. I am far from perfect. For example, he has communicated to me that sometimes my delivery can be rude and belittling. This, I think, is because I put a great deal of pressure on myself to succeed and succeed well so I resent any symptom of laziness, even if it is well deserved for he or I or both. He has had to become more engaging and proactive and I have had to relax a little in order to find a common middle ground. So I have some homework to do. But so long as this window is open and you can both respond to feedback in a healthy way, it can work in a relationship of opposites. I think knowing how and why we feel the way we do is a huge tool because most people do not search deep enough to understand that. We tend to just react or shut down, which can be very damaging.
Thank you for your compliments. Having suffered greatly and as a psychology major, emotional intelligence is an important part of my over all wellness and career. 
@blitheSun94 That's impressive of you both to do, to be willing to give a lot to the relationship and sacrifice multiple things. It's nice to know that although you're overcoming multiple mental illnesses, he's still very kind and supportive of you and not just short term. I relate to where you said you had to focus on relaxing a bit more and he tried to be more proactive because most my close friends are actually way more calm and collected than I am about most things and some level of that is needed in any close relationship, I think. It's awesome that you both improve each other for the better because from what you're describing, it seems wonderful.
Definitely, finding the right motive to your feelings is useful. By now, I just analyze my feelings and then look back at it later because I don't trust myself when I'm overly emotional.
You're welcome also! I imagine you're really good at psychology because from reading what you're saying, it makes me feel a lot more hopeful about my own situation and by understanding and helping your own emotional problems, it does give you more experience in solving other's issues.
Emotional intelligence is so important and I wish it was more commonly talked about, and maybe even mentioned in schools because it pays off to work on it so much more than I'd expected....
@blitheSun94 I see what you mean, I think. Love is having intense feelings for a person, attachment would be choosing that person over anyone else and a healthy relationship(expected or not) would be balanced out by friendship.
If you don't mind me asking, what're some tips on actually making a romantic relationship last?
I've researched this already and I know communication is big but I wanna know your personal opinion since I saw you on the BPD forums earlier too.
@Yourfairygodbro
Why thank you. While I am no relationship expert, I have had a handful of long term relationships and am currently married.
When I say "choices" I am stemming from the fact that I believe monogomy is a choice, and not a natural state of being. That said, human being make the choice to either engage in this culture (or not). I do believe we love more than once and in many ways. Here are some things that I consider important in my relationships:
Yes, communication is BIG. Huge in fact. This is because not being able to openly communicate can lead to resentment real fast.
Second I would say is intimacy and love languages. Knowing how you and your partner openly express one another aids in better meeting each others needs. For example, my husband needs affection and approval, where as I prefer meaingful discussion and acts of service. This has been challenging at times as I am not particularly affectionate, but can become so to ensure my husband is thriving in the relationship. This is just one way I can serve my partner through self sacrifice.
Compassion and grace. As human beings we tend to take out our stressors and challenges on those close to us- namely, our partners. You have to allow some space and understanding when things get difficult. Especially if you're in a place of disagreement. Often times our partner's upset has little or nothing to do with us. Understanding your partner had a difficult day at work and it might not be a great time to discuss finances or nag about house work is one way you can offer compassion and grace in your relationship.
Compromise, Acceptance, and Respect. This is a biggie for me, mostly because my husband and I could not be more different. He's social, I'm a home body, he's lazy, I'm ambitious, he snores, I have insomnia, he enjoy's working with his hands while I enjoy mental processes, he wants children, I do not. He comes from a Christian close-knit family, where as I come from a long line of dysfunction and mental health history.(These are all things that should be openly discussed before starting a relationship. For example, he knew I didn't want children but was willing to make that sacrifice in order to marry me.) The list goes on. Let's just say- for this instance- that opposites attract. We are even fundamentally and politically dissimilar. So this means exercising tolerance and giving each other personal space is important. Basically, we annoy the crap out of one another and if we don't compromise and/or communicate, things could disintegrate really quickly.
Affection and humor. This is the driving force that it going to pull you through any circumstance. This is where plainly enjoying each other's company and doing life together comes in. Hug daily. Laugh often.
Hope this helps a little.
@Yourfairygodbro
Some additional resources that may be worth reading when it comes to borderling personality disorder and relationships:
"Borderlines Engineer the Ending of the Very Relationships They Covet"
@AdVictoriam
Thank you so much for featuring my work! ^ 
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