How would you define love for a borderline?

@Yourfairygodbro

I have been where you are now, wondering, "What is love? Baby don't hut me..." It's pretty confusing and emotionally whirly process to go through. Pay specific attention to the "baby don't hurt me" part. It seems like you are afraid of being in love because you are afraid of being hurt. The easiest way to deny that you are in love, since you have been a loving partner, is to deconstruct love until it is "not a real thing".

You're very good at describing how you are feeling. Otherwise, I would have had no hope in answering your question. You are also fairly good at describing what you are thinking, since your analytical thoughts about love reminded me a lot of mine from the past. The "angle" I am approaching it from is a logical one, one that the average person will not go into when you ask them questions about love.

Average people do not know how a Borderline feels. There was this saying from a movie, "When I look at you, I feel as though I cannot think," that I saw in a romance movie traier. Truth is that love is definitely a thing, and you are having it a lot of the time. It's a scientifically proven basic emotion that can be replicated by drugs that change neurotransmitters. This means that love is not simply a byproduct of an emotional complex, not in you or your partner. It is a basic emotion with a neurochemical basis.

The emotional numbing you are feeling is the response of quickly switching between feeling love and not, which is emotionally jarring, but it is making you feel safe because you have done it in self defense, basically the essence of Borderline. What I'm doing right now is, "validating, relating, explaining, and checking the facts", techniques developed by Marsha Linehan, a woman who had to overcome a particularly bad case of Borderline by herself after being traumatized by ineffective treatment for Schizophrenia she didn't have. If you want to investigate Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, that would be a good idea.

You might already have read the book, but it's putting the answers into real life contexts that makes it useful, so the therapy takes a lot of time. Very basically, the solution is to have an even balance between thoughts and feelings. There is also advice for solving distorted thoughts like, "He was mean to me. He cannot possibly love me." Accepting that these two things are true at the same time, truly accepting it, will help you feel more emotionally stable and rational.

@Yourfairygodbro

Why thank you. While I am no relationship expert, I have had a handful of long term relationships and am currently married.

When I say "choices" I am stemming from the fact that I believe monogomy is a choice, and not a natural state of being. That said, human being make the choice to either engage in this culture (or not). I do believe we love more than once and in many ways. Here are some things that I consider important in my relationships:

Yes, communication is BIG. Huge in fact. This is because not being able to openly communicate can lead to resentment real fast.

Second I would say is intimacy and love languages. Knowing how you and your partner openly express one another aids in better meeting each others needs. For example, my husband needs affection and approval, where as I prefer meaingful discussion and acts of service. This has been challenging at times as I am not particularly affectionate, but can become so to ensure my husband is thriving in the relationship. This is just one way I can serve my partner through self sacrifice.

Compassion and grace. As human beings we tend to take out our stressors and challenges on those close to us- namely, our partners. You have to allow some space and understanding when things get difficult. Especially if you're in a place of disagreement. Often times our partner's upset has little or nothing to do with us. Understanding your partner had a difficult day at work and it might not be a great time to discuss finances or nag about house work is one way you can offer compassion and grace in your relationship.

Compromise, Acceptance, and Respect. This is a biggie for me, mostly because my husband and I could not be more different. He's social, I'm a home body, he's lazy, I'm ambitious, he snores, I have insomnia, he enjoy's working with his hands while I enjoy mental processes, he wants children, I do not. He comes from a Christian close-knit family, where as I come from a long line of dysfunction and mental health history.(These are all things that should be openly discussed before starting a relationship. For example, he knew I didn't want children but was willing to make that sacrifice in order to marry me.) The list goes on. Let's just say- for this instance- that opposites attract. We are even fundamentally and politically dissimilar. So this means exercising tolerance and giving each other personal space is important. Basically, we annoy the crap out of one another and if we don't compromise and/or communicate, things could disintegrate really quickly.

Affection and humor. This is the driving force that it going to pull you through any circumstance. This is where plainly enjoying each other's company and doing life together comes in. Hug daily. Laugh often.

Hope this helps a little.

@Yourfairygodbro

You are most welcome! Well, of course, everyone is different. I have had a number of friends comment that they would not be capable of making the same compromises I have in my relationships. But at the end of the day, I do love him and the life we are trying to build. We have unique obstacles as well in that I am diagnosed with three different psychiatric illnesses. He is very loving and supportive and I don't think the dynamic would survive without this input from him. Personally, I have things to work on. I am far from perfect. For example, he has communicated to me that sometimes my delivery can be rude and belittling. This, I think, is because I put a great deal of pressure on myself to succeed and succeed well so I resent any symptom of laziness, even if it is well deserved for he or I or both. He has had to become more engaging and proactive and I have had to relax a little in order to find a common middle ground. So I have some homework to do. But so long as this window is open and you can both respond to feedback in a healthy way, it can work in a relationship of opposites. I think knowing how and why we feel the way we do is a huge tool because most people do not search deep enough to understand that. We tend to just react or shut down, which can be very damaging.

Thank you for your compliments. Having suffered greatly and as a psychology major, emotional intelligence is an important part of my over all wellness and career.