Full on BPD about my bf's business trip
Hey everyone,
I already introduced myself, but I'll repeat important stuff. I'm Lola, 24, been diagnosed with BPD and in treatment since I was 16.
The past three days were hell. My bf went on business trip 9000 km away for two weeks. It's been three days and I'm going insane. My moods change in a matter of minutes. I knew about that business trip for almost a month, but I was too preocupied with my own stuff to even think about it. Not that I'm not used to his business trips, but he never went that far for so long.
So, I'm lonely, bored to hell, I don't have the motivation to get up or do anything. I'm just waiting for his messages. On the first day, I went insane because he didn't send me a message when he got to the airport, but he did post a pic on Instagram, and some girl commented, I find out about that three hours later from my sister. Overreacting, I know. Jealous for no reason, I know. Then he doesn't contact me for more than 24h and I become convinced something happened to him, so I literally die of anxiety and fear, then I become mad about him not calling and plan to argue when he does. And then when he calls, I'm so happy I could fly. Then I suddenly remember he's there with a female colleague, and then the show begins. I tell myself I'm ugly, boring, insane, tough to support, and he will surely fall in love with that girl (and I don't know a thing about her, she could be 25 or 55, single or married with children and grandchildren, but in my mind she's Victoria's Secret angel with Sherloch Holmes intelligence). I was shaking of jealousy and paranoia, and I called him at 5 a.m. to ask questions about her. He told me I'm insane. May I add, in six years, he never, ever gave me a reason to doubt him, and I trust him with all my heart, but I can't stop these thoughts.
Basically, I'm going through endless cycle of worry, anger, jealousy, paranoia and euphoria, then again and again. I'm not bipolar, but I tend to have the symptoms of bipolar when I'm too stressed. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. It's been three days and I'm already drinking to ease anxiety (you all know we're prone to that), and I fear I'll go literally insane in two weeks, until he gets back.
So, thank you for reading. I just had to get it off my chest and tell someone who I know will understand.
"I knew about that business trip for almost a month, but I was too preocupied with my own stuff to even think about it."
I totally know how that feels like... No matter how long you have to prepare, then suddenly things pop up seemingly out of nothing anyway.
I am so sorry to hear you've been hurting. It can be tough sometimes to know what you're feeling is off the charts but you can't help feeling it anyway. *hugs* How are you doing now?
"Basically, I'm going through endless cycle of worry, anger, jealousy, paranoia and euphoria, then again and again. I'm not bipolar, but I tend to have the symptoms of bipolar when I'm too stressed. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. It's been three days and I'm already drinking to ease anxiety (you all know we're prone to that), and I fear I'll go literally insane in two weeks, until he gets back."
I know how this cycles can be so hard to break out of, but I would just like to say congratulations on coming on 7 Cups and talking about it! Being able to write things down and reflect on them can be hard at first, but it is such a great way to reflect.
@Cirwenne @peacefulMango54
Thank you both for your support. I come to 7Cups because everyone else tells me to "just stop being crazy" and "do something with my life so I don't have the time to think of nonsense". I'm doing a bit better now when this disastrous first part is over (his phone was dead and we couldn't talk at all, he'd send a message or two per day just to check in). I've had some raging moments and I attacked him for being where he is instead of being here with me, and I'm feeling bad, and he should too because of me and blah blah, my typical nonsense. Yesterday he flew to another country (still far far away), but at least he's got a new phone and can message me more frequently. Believe it or not, they don't have Skype there, or Insta, or FB, or anything. If I could see him on Skype, I guess I'd be more calm.
I've been sleeping mostly, like 16-20 hours per day, eating just so I don't faint and drinking from time to time. Today I actually got up, had coffee, stretched a bit, walked the dog, but I'm so afraid I'll go to that depressed/raging state of mind again. One week passed, one more to go.
You got up today, walked the dog - that is amazing, go you!
I know how scary and lonely life can feel, especially when you can't even reach your partner. That must have been awful. I'm glad to hear he got a new phone and you'll at least be able to get in touch.
Also: I know how it feels to be told you should just 'stop being crazy' and it sucks. I'm so sorry the people around you are reacting this way.
@Cirwenne
I'm really, really thankful for your support. Thank you so much.
To be honest, I'm afraid of how codependent I am. It was like my life stopped while I couldn't reach him. Made me think of what would happen if we broke up. I'm always thinking of worst income. But things seem good now, he told me it's just few days and I can make it. He also told me he misses me very much and it meant a lot. I immediately got up and started doing stuff around house for starters.
I thought I wanted to be beautiful when he gets back, I want to be beautiful and smart for him, so I'll get to reading, take care of my body and make sure I look my best when he comes. I don't know why it's so important to me, but it is. And about people, I'm so used to that I don't even pay attention anymore. They'd know how it feels if they had BPD, and I'm actually happy they're so lucky they never have to experience that. I'll leave my pain to myself.
@AquarelleFlower
I'm so glad to hear that you are finding the 7 cups of tea forums a safe place to speak about your experiences.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a very caring person, which reall motivates you to be the best you can be :)
@peacefulMango54
The only thing that bothers me here is it seems listeners are not educated about BPD and they refer me to therapist as soon as they hear I've got it. So I find it easier to write here on forums where people actually understand. Maybe that's something this subcommunity could work on.
@AquarelleFlower I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling to find a listener but I am glad you have found a good place to talk in this forum. Most listeners have their areas of interested listed on their profiles, try looking for listeners interested in supporting individuals with BPD.
I am also happy to chat, I recently started an internship here at 7 Cups and log in for 2 hours every weekday. If I am online or busy I'll reply promptly, if I am offline I may take a while to reply.
Sending lots of positive energy your way :)
The codependency thing is really tricky. It's something I've been struggling with as well. I'm so glad to hear your boyfriend is so supportive and is helping you through this period of time.
"They'd know how it feels if they had BPD, and I'm actually happy they're so lucky they never have to experience that."
That's a great way of looking at it.
@Cirwenne
How do you cope with codependence? I seem to be so clingy and needy, and I'm afraid my bf would leave me because of that. But then again, he's been there for almost six years and I can't imagine a better man. He's really supportive and understanding, but even he got angry because of my raging emails and jealousy right now while he's away. I can say I'm jealous, but never been this much. He's been the most kind and reassured me nothing will happen while he's away. Now I'm missing him even more for being so kind and loving.
@AquarelleFlower
One thing that has really helped me is the realisation that my reality doesn't necessarily match the world around me. Meaning... Like, you seem to be *aware* of your jealousy, and how kind of, out of bounds it gets. That's a great first step, because it means that no matter what your feelings and your borderline might be telling you, you know in your heart it's not really something your boyfriend has done. When I get that kind of feeling, I do a couple of things:
- I tell my wife "hey, I'm feeling jealous; it's not anything you've done, but I'm just a little insecure right now, could you tell me you love me?" (I actually have a habit of asking her to marry me - we've been married for almost five years, and togeter for over 13, but asking her every day, not in a grand proposal thing, but just asking, kind of really cements that commitment to me; she's currently taken to responding in different languages, which she's writing down on post-it notes to get out whenever I ask her to marry me so she'll know what to say, and I'm collecting these notes. I've got a wall of yes right now, and that's just amazing)
- When there's some anger or frustration beneath that jealousy, I try to write it out. I'll either talk about it to a friend, or just write it out in my diary. That way it leaves my system, but it doesn't overload her. After all, I am well aware these are my abandonment issues talking, and I can't expect her to solve them for me.
- I try to do something for me. Whenever my wife is gone for the evening or a day (I'm lucky, though, I've never had to contend with two weeks of her being gone!), I try to plan something that I know I will enjoy. I'll watch some episodes of a TV show she doesn't like, or tune in to a podcast that I wouldn't be able to listen to when she was around. Shaping the time from "she's gone and I'm lonely" to "this is me-time and I can do something with it" has taken a tremendous amount of work and trying of different things, but it has really helped me cope with that feeling of OMG I am nothing without her.
@AquarelleFlower
I totally understand what you are saying here. Its like reading a "page" from my own life. As I have BPD as well, newly diagnosed. If you ever want to chat sometime, I'm a listener here. I will do my best to just "listen" and offer support. Just know you're not alone.
I get what you are saying. You are numero uno. What you do to shine is what matters now.
I have similar reactions as yours.
But that said, you are a couple. He knows you become anxious when he travels. I'm sorry, but if I wrong correct me, don't we as a couple try to help each other. I believe a quick text you as he arrived, and then periodially thereafter is loving and not needy by you. It's rational. Ok so maybe people without BPD, can file it away better and say WTF and move on and have fun til their SO gets back , but we have to feel sooooo
much soooo quickly. but part of me thinks, people without BPD, would have been anxious and disappointed as well. You are amazing and hope you are fun for yourself and going to have an amazing weekend of self compassion and self love!!
Hey everyone. I can't even start on how grateful I am for your support during these days. It meant so much to me.
My boyfriend is finally back and I must notice I feel SAFE now. It's like I didn't trust myself at all without him. I'm really dependent on him about my mental health and that needs to change somehow. I can't just fall into the abyss every single time he's away. At least I've come to realize that, it was worth it. I'll try to work on it with him and my therapist. If any of you has the same situation or an idea about how to solve it, it would be much appreciated.
Again, thank you all.
@AquarelleFlower
I'm really happy for you your boyfriend is back!
And I think realising that is the first very important step. Learning how to take care of yourself is, I think, very personal - it's something I'm working on as well, so I can't really give you any advice as of yet. But I really do believe that wanting to take the action to get to that point where you won't be as dependent on him is brilliant.
