Clarity: Fears of Abandonment & BPD
Hello beautiful people!
Understanding abandonment and its relationship to Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the best ways to restore and refine your relationships with others. For most people, real or imagined fears of abandonment have a fundamental impact on their interpersonal skills and, in crushing cases, can even be responsible for ending our most meaningful unions.
This week I came across an insightful piece of writing that I wanted to share here as a sort of "a-ha" moment. Please take note and leave your thoughts in comments below.
"Acutely aware of our own transience, we alternate between an aching despondency and a rebellion against the facts. We cling to our loved ones, or remove ourselves from them, rather than loving them in all of their vulnerability. In so doing we distance ourselves from a grief that is an inevitable component of affection. Using our best obsessional defenses to keep this mourning at bay, we pay a price in how isolated and cut off we can feel. Love and grieving, like separation and connection, are co-constitutive. Opening oneself to one emotion deepens the experience of the other. The heart can open in sadness as much as it does in joy. His point is that everything is always changing. When we take loved objects into our egos with the hope or expectation of having them forever, we are deluding ourselves and postponing an inevitable grief...by pushing away the painful aspect of experience we isolate ourselves from our own capacity for love.
The solution is not to deny attachment but to become less controlling in how we love. It is the very tendency to protect ourselves against mourning that is the cause of the greatest dissatisfaction. It is possible to have a relationship to transience that is not adversarial, in which the ability to embrace the moment takes precedence over fear of its passing."
~Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness
ok so im 16 and yes im not old eough for bpd but i have every symptom and my therapist and doctor says i have every symptom of bpd...im in a treatment for bpd and impulse and suicidal and self harm its called dbt i want to say i am absolutely terrified of abandoment so much that i am so terrifed of my friend leaving that i want to leave her its confusing maybe its just me im sorry i posted to the thread
@imsorryitry ....
Hi dear,
In my opinion, no need to apologize for posting here (even if you are 16 
). In fact, I am glad that you did! I think you may find that there are others (perhaps many others) who share your experiences. Not in the exact same way, perhaps, but they can relate to you very well. At least this is what I have found. I applaud your courage as well. It is not easy to write out our experiences with mental illness and press "add post" or "enter." Anyway, I too have the diagnosis of BPD. I really (yes, really, really) dislike it, a lot! The general population doesn't understand it and for me, it is hard to deal with. I hear you too about the, well I'm afraid my friend is going to leave or never call me .... so I'll just never call back and not go do stuff with her anymore. Yes, I know too that it doesn't make any sense :( but that is just kind of how a person with BPD, how their mind works. Annoying? Weird? Backwards? Yeah, at least that's how it feels to me.
Have you ever heard of this book? I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J Kreisman and Hal Straus .... https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/145391.I_Hate_You_Don_t_Leave_Me?from_search=true ...... (Do you have a Goodreads account? It's free and kind of fun.)
I own this, I have read it (once, maybe twice?), I loaned it to a friend and she said she devoured it! I think even my dog has read it. Or he has at least used it as 'food for thought' LOL. I think it's about time that I read this one again. (Though not according to the reviews on Goodreads :( Maybe something else.) I hope you have a good evening! ~ Platy
I am not sure if I suffer from BPD, but I was in a relationship where I relied a lot on my partner for my hapiness and it got to the point where I would get mad if he did not pay enough attention to me, everything about the relationship annoyed me, and I sought to control how he acts, because I would get triggered easily. It got to a point where I felt so guilty and I decided to leave because I did not want him to walk on egg shells for me. I've been having moments of derealisation/dissociation a lot and it's been hard to concentrate. Also, I feel like I can't fully process my emotions and I want to say I tend to go emotionally numb after feeling overwhelmed.
@blitheSun94, Hey, you still part of 7cups? I did not yet click over to see your profile/active. I wrote this earlier tonight, but did not post all of it. Perhaps it fits better in this thread.
I could use a (L) tonight or even a Sharing Circle. But, well, it is just past midnight already; so, late.
One of my support team people (especially for *OUT*side of the hospital) told me today that she is leaving her current job. I'm sad. She was/is really good at her job and I will miss her.
I don't know why she is leaving. I will tell her I want her to stay! She will go anyway, but I will tell her nonetheless. <3 Platy
@MeaningfulSilence, @Barltik2065, @YourCaringConfidant, @SilverSeastar, @Lou73, @Gilbird
@cyanPlatypus6370
Know the feeling when someone that affects/effects you in a positive way and then they "move on". Have had my fair share of those. The positive is I am still friends with them and if I need, can always count on them to be there.
@cyanPlatypus6370 Awwww, I'm so sorry to hear your special support person is leaving but I'm proud of you for recognizing your feelings. Sometimes we grow such great bonds with people that when they leave is, it's normal to miss them. You didn't mention when you're support person was leaving their job, but I do hope that for whatever time there is left that you are able to enjoy their presence. Sending great big hugs your way, Platypus.
@YourCaringConfidant Thank you much, Caring. Thankfully she is not leaving immediately, so I will have a meeting or two yet before she's just gone. Sad thing though. Generally yes, and also sad because her last week will end Oct 6th. Which just happens to be the week of my birthday! Saying goodbye to a trusted friend (okay she's at work when with me, but you know), is certainly not something I would plan for anywhere around my birthday. She is someone I've trusted with a lot - and perhaps because of that, I will miss having her to talk with. <3 Platy
P.S. This Platy who usually desires and needs more hugs than the general public (or so it feels), certainly could use all the hugs she can get in the next 3 weeks or so. (one sad Platy over here.)