Clarity: Fears of Abandonment & BPD
Hello beautiful people!
Understanding abandonment and its relationship to Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the best ways to restore and refine your relationships with others. For most people, real or imagined fears of abandonment have a fundamental impact on their interpersonal skills and, in crushing cases, can even be responsible for ending our most meaningful unions.
This week I came across an insightful piece of writing that I wanted to share here as a sort of "a-ha" moment. Please take note and leave your thoughts in comments below.
"Acutely aware of our own transience, we alternate between an aching despondency and a rebellion against the facts. We cling to our loved ones, or remove ourselves from them, rather than loving them in all of their vulnerability. In so doing we distance ourselves from a grief that is an inevitable component of affection. Using our best obsessional defenses to keep this mourning at bay, we pay a price in how isolated and cut off we can feel. Love and grieving, like separation and connection, are co-constitutive. Opening oneself to one emotion deepens the experience of the other. The heart can open in sadness as much as it does in joy. His point is that everything is always changing. When we take loved objects into our egos with the hope or expectation of having them forever, we are deluding ourselves and postponing an inevitable grief...by pushing away the painful aspect of experience we isolate ourselves from our own capacity for love.
The solution is not to deny attachment but to become less controlling in how we love. It is the very tendency to protect ourselves against mourning that is the cause of the greatest dissatisfaction. It is possible to have a relationship to transience that is not adversarial, in which the ability to embrace the moment takes precedence over fear of its passing."
~Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness
BUMPLove this. I've been in treatment previously for BPD and am also a Sex and Love Addict (They look remarkably similar- almost identical). I can absolutely relate to the fear of abandonment being a ruling force. I have that fear underlying, and sometimes consciously overruling, all of my relationships. Being mentally ill, and a part of a society that promotes and feeds fear and over thinking- I think stressing the point you illustrate here is essential: Be in the moment, try to hold on to being grateful for the people and time you have and stop trying to control and obsess. Which is easier said than done but a wonderful thought to try to hold onto. 
I think this pertains to relationships of all kinds: romantic love, friendships, family dynamics, etc. The art of letting go is a difficult and important skill, and one I work on every day.
How has BPD affected your relationships with others?
NPD suppsedly has it's own form of abandonment issues, though it isn't a hallmark of the disorder the way it is BPD. I really don't see abandonment fears in myself. I think maybe a fear of disappointment, rejection, or betrayal might be more accurate, but I'm not sure it's a fear as much as an avoidance. I often don't tell anyone about people that I'm seeing because I just kind of assume things aren't going to work out, and I prefer people to not know at all than to know that I was dumped or that I had to dump someone because they let me down or f***ed me over and I'm not about that life. It's almost embarassing otherwise, like a slap in the face. In turn, I also tend to avoid getting very close to people...after all, I don't really trust them anyways.
My heart goes out to you.
I completely understand!
I never had trust issues until the past couple of years of my life and it's God-awful. Now I've got walls, bodies of water, and sharks to get over before getting close to anyone. You're not alone.
My heart goes out to you.
I completely understand!
I never had trust issues until the past couple of years of my life and it's God-awful. Now I've got walls, bodies of water, and sharks to get over before getting close to anyone. You're not alone.
I think this is the most important part:
The solution is not to deny attachment but to become less controlling in how we love. It is the very tendency to protect ourselves against mourning that is the cause of the greatest dissatisfaction.
I read a great book called I Hate You, Don't Leave me that helped me clue into some of my patterns. It truly is about self-regulation and the importance of taking responsibility in recovery. It's hard, don't get me wrong but absolutely neccesary.
@Kittencat and @blytheSun
I own this book, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I have read it and one of my dear friends read it too. She wanted to know more of what BPD is, or how things 'think through' in my head. I feel this a lot right now: fear of abandonment yes, and also the 'come to me, and stay away!'
Does that make sense to anyone? (sad smile) ~ Platy
@blitheSun94
Nice quote! I feel like I'm constantly in mourning over my closest friendship. So often I'm finding myself doubting her loyalty or love of me, and I have always assumed that I'm more into her than she's into me. I would die for her, which makes me worry that I have more feelings than friendship for her, but that admitting how much I need her in my life would terrify her. So, instead, I prepare myself for the worst--either she quits being my friend or she dies--and mourn in daily panic attacks over my future loss.
@JASCHUYLER I can completely relate to how you're feeling! I've lost a few really important friendships and it really is similar To grieving the death of a loved one. My heart goes out to you. The key for me has been in being less controlling in how I love. I can't micromanage the outcome, but I can let them know when I'm thinking of them that I love them and the door is always open in a reasonable manner. This takes a great deal of practice. Coping with our frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment is incredibly overwhelming and painful. Stay strong. Try to be mindful of what you deserve.
@blitheSun94
@VictoryOverBPD7842 Oops, hit enter too quickly there. Reading this, I live to achieve that moment where I can just... not feel the fear of being vulnerable. So many times I think I wanted to cry because I was loved and I couldn't manage to express it. The result was a somber man lingering around an apartment next to a person so selfless and loving and resonating, that they ended up hurting just as much as me because they didn't know what to do to help me. Sometimes I feel my needs are crystal clear. I forget to ask for them. Or expect them to be given freely without asking because I told her that I have this condition. Someone knowing you have BPD doesn't gaurantee that they will be able to second guess your needs. Communication is so hard for me. I want it to be easy. I want the pain gone. I want to just... be loved without having to question it. Bleh.
@VictoryOverBPD7842 you described my life to a T. You already have the insight to know what you need and how to get it, like I do, and we can both trick ourselves into saying the feelings before we get dour and solemn. You got this 😊
@VictoryOverBPD7842
I understand this completely. For years I lectured people on vulnerability and the power of risk when growing close to others. It wasn't until I experienced real abandonment and manipulation as an adult that I began to develop trust issues. It took me many years and many moons to heal and get close to others again. It truly was a full blown grieving process. I was depressed, angry, in denial, bargaining and finally- accepting.
On the other hand, however, my interpersonal skills have changed dramatically which has increased the quality of my life. Generally, this is an exception, but those I lost to the circumstances of life came back around. We were able to make repair and build anew. It has been the biggest blessing of forgiveness on all counts, and I just give it all to my faith. I still go through bouts of isolation and depression where I want nothing to do with people, but when I surface the ones who matter are still there.
A lot about this passage, I think, speaks to loving and living in moment in all areas of our lives. Take nothing for granted. Tell the ones you love that you love them. For it could all change in an instant.
@blitheSun94
Such words of insight. Thank you :)
@VictoryOverBPD7842
I relate to this 💯! I’m a Scorpio and unable to be vulnerable and receive the love I’m being given for fear of hurt or betrayal. Your feelings are valid. It is painfully real and can be isolating.
Keep practicing communication. Reading, writing, any form of artistic expression may help unlock some things. Therapy can also be a useful tool by allowing us to rehearse with them before attempting to communicate with loved ones. Knowing your worth will help you keep calm in sensitive situations.
Best wishes. 🙏🏻
