BPD & lack of Identity?

I hear you. Your feelings are absolutely valid. 💙

I can relate. I struggle with BPD and unstable identity too. I understand that not having a sense of identity makes life so much more difficult, and it's okay to accept that there is no rush because creating our own identity is a life-long process. It's alright to not immediately have our entire identity figured out; lots of people don't know who they really are either.

I think that people like us tend to be hardwired to feel very deeply. Our experiences growing up also definitely had a role in what we struggle with now, which is unfortunate because we had no control over that. It absolutely makes sense why finding ourselves becomes that much more challenging for us, and how difficult it is to know where to even start.

Of course, identifying our distorted core beliefs is not easy because they are so deeply embedded. They have been festering within us, yet we never questioned them because we weren't even aware that we have them. We subconsciously took them as the fundamental truths of life. Children internalise the core beliefs that they receive from the emotional education provided by their immediate caregivers. On that front, we have no choice.

The process towards identifying my distorted core beliefs was nothing short of complex and confusing, but it has been incredibly liberating and worth it. I educated myself about BPD and my other challenges, and along the way I learnt a lot about myself. The works of Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) and Brian Barnett (Founder of The Last Symptom, LLC) have been especially helpful for me. I found that at the root of my low self-esteem and lack of stable identity are two distorted core beliefs:

• My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful.
• Therefore, I also must be inherently irrelevant and shameful —because my feelings are what makes me who I am.

Growing up as a sensitive child in an invalidating environment, those are the source of all my problems. I've always sought external validations because I have none to empower myself. I feel like other people only like me when I have achievements; they never like me for me. I feel like an empty cup. People only like what's inside the cup. When the cup is empty, nobody cares for it. But all of this isn't true. It only feels so much like the truth because it's all I've believed my entire life.

If I address my distorted core beliefs and fix them, the rest of my issues will eventually sort themselves out. I work on reversing my distorted core beliefs by practicing positive affirmations that validate my feelings, here's one that I use:

• My feelings inherently matter and there is nothing good or bad, or right or wrong about them.

The journey to finding ourselves will be a long and exhaustive one. It doesn't take days or weeks or months—it can take years. Know that throughout all this, you won't be alone. At the end of it, we will have traded our distorted core beliefs for effective ones. It will all be so rewarding—everything will be clearer; we will be wiser and more at peace with ourselves.

I see you, 💙 I'm rooting for you. I believe you can certainly overcome this challenge.

@SilverSeastar thank you so much , I really appreciate this hope you're doing well this made me feel alot better 😊

@Howegeorgia20

Awww thank you, Georgia 💞 Super glad that you think so. I couldn't be happier that you feel better! 🤗

@SilverSeastar how did you write that much I couldn't do it because would loose interest

@Howegeorgia20

Haha that happens to me a lot too, Georgia 😛 This thread inspired me. It's a matter that's very dear to my heart and I hoped that what I have to share would be useful ❤️

@SilverSeastar

😭 I'm so happy this thread it inspired all that good advice!!!! APPRECIATE YOU! ❤️

@SilverSeastar

Wow, what a great reply!! I'm glad mental health issues are coupled at a lack of identity because I believe it's often part of the problem

@Hopeandmore

Thank you, Hope! I'm happy you think so. 💙

Exactly, 😮 unmanaged identity crises can be catastrophic to other areas of our mental health.

@SilverSeastar

Thank you SO much for your response!! I appreciate the support a lot, it definitely seems like we are in the same boat. I will definitely look into the creator of DBT and things that helped you out as well! I do feel like there is definitely distorted beliefs I have deeply ingrained; some of them I'm not even sure what they are until too late sometimes.

That is true, my feelings do inherently matter, and I need to keep that mindset as well as I do tend to put my feelings in a box of postive and negative etc. I like that you explain it as a Journey, and thank you so much for being so kind, I am rooting for you as well that you will also overcome your challenges 💜

@spongymoth34

Awww I'm so happy you think so, Spongy. 😊 I believe in you!

Yess, I find that boxing some feelings as negative tend to make me deny and delay feeling them (which might make them come back with more intensity later). It's good to just accept the feeling and acknowledge that it matters as it is.

Good luck on your journey, Spongy! 🌟 We're in this together. 🦾

@SilverSeastar

This is so well written and clearly articulated.

Is there some way to nominate this post for more recognition?

@spongymoth34 Hey there, I hear you and totally relate to what you are saying. I also have BPD and finding my identity has always been difficult. I also struggle sometimes and notice myself to be mirroring. Sometimes, it can be great. For example, I switched to public health as an impulsive decision but I love my major and am now really into epidemiology. However, another time I was using different pronouns just because my 'favorite person' at the time had different ones. Same thing with things like style and coloring my hair. Your feelings are totally valid, and if you are familiar with DBT or want to learn, I find wise mind and values based work to be helpful skills to review. I hope this helps. Thanks for sharing!

@SparklingSnowflake15

Thank you so much for your response, I so feel that with the coloring of hair and looks etc!! It's changing all the time and it's easy to get confused with what is yourself and what we've mirrored off others!!! I will definitely look into Wisemind!!!!

Thank You!!! 💜

I'm starting DBT therapy , was wondering what are your experiences and how it helped

@Howegeorgia20

I actually have a DBT workbook I found on Amazon, I know you can use it combined with DBT Therapy so that way there's something to work on to continue to help yourself while not in a therapy session!

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3DR58IW5XVT67&keywords=dbt+workbook&qid=1649987604&s=books&sprefix=dbt+%2Cstripbooks%2C148&sr=1-1

Also a CBT planner, I hope this helps!

@spongymoth34 Omg thank you so much for the recommendation! 🥰

Also, @Howegeorgia, Dr. Daniel J. Fox has a lot of helpful videos, especially for BPD. He writes books too! I'm reading The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook, which I really like. You can find his YouTube channel here.

Hi Spongy!

I can highly relate with this. Growing up, I too felt like I needed to be like the people around me, it made me feel more acceptable. Throughout my now 23 years it has become known to me that I don't need to fit into a box to be liked and to be me.

It was a hard journey to get here, to reach acceptance. It takes time and practice and a heck ton of self-reminders and compassion towards yourself. Please know that every step you make throughout your journey in this is progress, and asking that question here is a giant leap itself, well done to you.

When I began this, I let myself dip into different styles, music genres, hobbies, etc. A wide variety of things. There's no need to force yourself to like something, if you don't then you don't, and it's important to remember that to be yourself you don't need to confine yourself to only one genre of life, style, music etc. Be you, be ALL of you, every wonderful part of YOU.

I hope your journey towards finding yourself and accepting that person is as smooth and enjoyable as possible. We're all here for you.

@VoidyBlep

Hi!!!! thank you for the support! It's so good to know there's other people going through this as well!! It's definitely a lifelong struggle feels like sometimes. I love the idea of how you said to be "ALL" of myself, that's something I really really want but like you said its a hard journey!!

Thank you so much, I appreciate y'all!!! Here for you as well and wish you the best also! ❤️

I have it too, and feel all the things because fitting in has become a trap.

My family stigmatizes mental illness and addictions quite a lot, which hurts.

Learning principles behind positive and proactive human behaviour helps.

Having a morning and evening routine and daily healing rituals helps too.

This is an incredibly intense illness that is misunderstood by most people unfortunately.

Its also misunderstood by the majority of professionals, making it way worse.

A lot of people these days are also using covid as an excuse to hurt others.

The truth is life was always challenging, not just with covid. It’s just an excuse.

The truth is life simply continues to grow in the direction it’s already heading.

So it’s up to us to change the patterns in OUR mind. To do what WE can.

Waiting for others to change without doing our own mental work is dangerous business.

Advocating for the self, learning boundaries, doing self care - is absolutely necessary.

Untangling the knot of our lives may become an ongoing positive adventure eventually.

We are capable of managing this. Born to deal with it. It’s possible to overcome.

Like climbing a mountain, we must do it one inch at a time. Prepared. Patient.

We must hang on to what little footholds and strength we have for dear life.

And we must turn to our tools when we fall - DBT, yoga, CBT, safety plans.

We also must keep others informed and learn about feelings and share them.

And learn to forgive ourselves and others without having our boundaries broken.

To stand in our own power, even though we are marginalized is a precious gift.

It’a never too late to heal, change and grow in a positive, miraculous manner.

Im rereading what I wrote.

What nonsense it was!!

It’s not up to us to just think our way out of our illness - our illness needs more funding and support from everyone, everywhere.

Speaking the way I did totally ignores the fact that sometimes we can’t just be the change! BPD means we experience things we can’t change and that we fight and that we are then stigmatized for!

God I hope that makes sense.

@Dallady

@Dallady

Hi--I just want to say that I really love *both* of the things that you wrote and they feel like they each make sense.

You experience a lot of people stigmatizing you, misunderstanding, and treating you in ways that are hurtful (sorry that that's happening 😟). It felt like the emphasis of your first post was, "I can't depend on other people to be as kind as I'd like. I have to figure out ways to make things work for me and try my best even if everybody else is awful."

And then the second post expressed this different side of, "It still hurts a lot when people are unkind to me. Sometimes I can't make that feeling go away or make myself be more positive or take control of everything or whatever else. Sometimes I just feel really hurt or lonely and I just have to let that feeling be what it is and give it a hug. And it would help so so much sometimes to have other people who care and are also willing to give a hug if I'm feeling that way."

@QuietMagic

oh.

thanks so much for reflecting that back because it makes it very clear for me what I was saying.

you’re living up to your name.

@Dallady

Glad that I was able to understand the essence of it. 😊

@Dallady

I think you stated alot of true facts actually!!! It is a really tough disorder to live with but with help and support (thank you, like from you!) it is motivating to try to reflect more and get to the core of the issues we experience even if they are hard to face. I appreciate you!! I'm also happy @quietmagic was here for ya as well!!!!

💜