A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
I have never felt any pressure from you or anyone else to respond to people here. I do it because it helps me find a way through my own stuff because it involves things that I should be repeating to myself.
As far as the empathy thing goes it is something that I have thought about for a long time. Slowly but surely I began to realize that I want to be empathetic to others even if it causes me pain sometimes. I can't imagine a good world if I don't care about things. So for me empathy may be extreme but it is also a superpower that helps me fight injustice in the world. I am probably too meta or philosophical here, but it is part of what grounds me. I can sense some of the same beauty in you.
I am glad that the eating has gotten a little easier. I really liked the empathy story that you told me about your mom and sympathizing about the challenges of your uncle. When families come together who normally don't live together there is always tension. You giving your mom a chance to vent while you listen is awesome.
That is the kind of thing that can eventually really help your relationship. I know that you don't feel like she sees you right now. She probably doesn't. But as you grow into a young woman, she is looking for signs that you can see and understand what she is experiencing. Every time that she sees those signs, there is a chance that she starts to soften a bit and recognize you as a person. The challenge is that this process takes a while and you can't be positive that it will work. But you know that when you try on a regular basis that you are leaving the door open for her heart to widen. That is important. So good job!
Watch for really tiny moments where she seems to act a little kinder towards you in the next few days. It could be a single sentence or a kind quick gesture. Let me know what you see.
@bestVase7265 Hey hey! I couldn't respond to you yesterday, it had been a busy day indeed with a lot of things happening.
I'm glad that you don't feel pressured to respond, and i'm glad that it helps you find a way through your problems as well.
I do agree with you on how you feel about empathy. it sometimes hurts, but it's not a bad thing after all. i see how you see it as a superpower.
Oh, always? When families come together who normally don't live together there is always tension? Mmm okay!
Well, it;s not as great as you might think it is. later she'll sometimes come and yell at me that i say a lot of caring words but my actions don't show any love or care, and my mother is often very mad about that. that's why i don't like talking to her too much about how she's feeling.
i don't know this this is the kind of thing that will eventually help my relationship with her. she does NOT see me as understanding or caring or empathetic. she has her reasons to feel that way, after all, i do sometimes yell at her. but i do nothing close to the kind of yelling she does. i never call her names like she calls me, i might yell while i'm talking to her but i don't go to another part of the house and "talk to myself aloud" about her (she does that and that's whats MOST annoying and hurtful, it hurts more than just the "normal" conversation being spoken in a yelling tone, which is the max i ever do.
yeah, i know she doesn't see me right now. oh, please don't call me growing into a young woman, i don't like being referred to that way. anyways, she is clearly not looking for the signs i see and understand her experiences. me trying to be there for her doesn't soften her and it doesn't make her see me as a person. okay, she might soften a bit in the moment, but she always jumps right back to her usual self in a few hours. i try to leave that door open for her, but seems like she doesn't like it open. i have to close the door sometimes. she doesn't seem to want me to be there for her.
okay, I'll try to notice and let you know. sorry if this response sounds a little weird by the way, I've had an absolutely terrible day, and i'm tired and I've been having a super duper depressed mood lately.
There is no need to apologize for anything. We all get frustrated and angry at times. You are allowed to have a bad day and just need to vent.
I wasn't thinking that your mother was ever going to become your best buddy just because you were kind to her. She probably isn't ready for such a thing. But you are going to feel better by leaving the door open a bit with your own empathy than you would if you closed the door off in anger. Ultimately we are aiming at making you feel better about how things are by not letting her control your emotions. You do that my offering her kindness that she hasn't necessarily deserved yet.
You are growing up though. That isn't a process that anyone can stop. Most parents eventually recognize (some really reluctantly) that their kids are getting older. Sometimes they respect them more. I can't promise that in your case, but I am going to hope for you.
@bestVase7265 i know you didnt think that, Vase. yeah, i agree. but i feel like when i get angry and yell the door automatically closes. and I'm already irritable most of the time so it doesnt take much to make me angry. and my mother too is irritable more often than not, and seeing others be annoyed and irritated somehow just makes me more irritable. i dont know how but somehow it happens.
"Ultimately we are aiming at making you feel better about how things are by not letting her control your emotions." mmm sorry i didnt get that.
i know i am growing up haha. wish i could be 9 years old forever, but sadly i cant. (i say 9 because as far as i can remember, that was the best year of my life. everything felt perfect that year.) yeah, my parents do recognize that I'm growing up. but she also feels that as I'm growing, i'm becoming more disobedient, selfish, lazy and whatnot and becoming less and less sweet. i dont really know how, but somehow i believe her. hearing all this really makes me cry. i hate growing up. i hate everything about growing up. i miss my younger self. i miss my sweetness and humor. i miss the fun. i miss the freedom. i'm crying right now as i write this. i cant stop crying..... (ignore any typos as you cant see properly if youre typing while crying)
when i was younger, i feel my nother loved me and respected me a lot more. of couse she did yell at me and she did call me names. but she always apologized later and she always told me that i had done nothing to be yelld at. she admitted that she yelled at me but didnt mean to and was just very angry at my father and sometimes couldnt control herself and yelled at me even if i didnt do anytjing.
but now she never apologises. she never says that she didnt mean to yell at me. she never come and hugs and kisses me after she yells at me nowadays. what am i doing wrong to deserve the yelling now? what am i doing to not get some gestures of affection from my mother now? what am i even doing? what changed vase? what changed? nothing makes sense to me.
@bestVase7265 I've somehow managed to stop crying, so dont worry. i just want to let you know that today is the last day here at my grandparents place. i have to wake up at 2:30 am tomorrow. yeah right, 2:30 AM and we have to leave at 4 am and catch the 4:15 am local train to the city. then our train from there to our home city will leave at 5:45 am. the train is supposed to arrive there at 9:45 am on sunday.
I'm really worried right now because getting up so early in the morning, I'm sure to not get much sleep tonight. then the whole day in the train. i dont know what I'll do and i might not even be able to respond to you or be here on 7cups much. i dunno. i also dont know what berth I'll get, and i really really hope i get a side beth. yeah, they're smaller but you get a bit more privacy there. I'm dead if i dont get a side berth. our tickets are also in 3 ac which means its 3 tier (and ac here means theres air conditioning), so it's going to be a noisy mess becaure there are more people in 3 ac than 2 ac. I've never travelled in 3 ac but I've heard stories. I'm very scared. i hope i get a side berth or my parents get one and we can exchange berths.
I'm also worried i might not be able to sleep in the train, i dont know. i wont we able to get much sleep tonight and if i amcant sleep in the train, I'll become a zombie. plus the trains are running 5-6 hours late lately and if our train is going to be late, it'll be a disaster. i'm super duper worried right now... and I'm annoyed too i dont want to go by train, but i dont have a choice.
Ok, I know that the day feels rough and overwhelming right now. You will survive the train trip even if it is exhausting and you get almost no sleep. It won't be fun necessarily but focus on your breathing and just staying calm. Close your eyes when you can and when they are open focus on things that you can see around you. When you focus on the senses time will pass more quickly.
I know that your mom is upsetting in a way that she wasn't when you were younger. You have entered an age where you are questioning more and that is part of growing up too. But your mom can't always see it that way because your questioning involves her ways of doing things also feeling wrong somehow. This happens for all parents, trust me. It isn't a comfortable feeling and if you as a parent are insecure then you take it out on your kids.
You need to question things to become your own person. You are headed in a good direction and you aren't doing anything wrong. You will find ways to slowly become more confident in yourself. That is when your mom's anger will both calm down and you will not have that anger bothering you as much. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 heyyy, i did survive the train trip, i did manage to get some sleep but it was terrible nonetheless. i felt very yucky in there, but somehow i managed. i dont know how i managed with no alone time though, but let it be.
well, I've always been questioning. I've always had a million questions about everything. i dont think I've entered an age where I'm questioning more, I'm just questioning differently. when i was younger, my questions were ones that had more or less concrete answers. not that i was always given those answers (many of my questions were answered with "you'll find the answer when you grow up"). but now i cant find answers to most of my questions.
my mother knows that i question everything. when i was younger, i always asked my questions, though i try to keep them to myself nowadays. but my mother knows anyways that i question her ways of doing things an so on.
"This happens for all parents, trust me. It isn't a comfortable feeling and if you as a parent are insecure then you take it out on your kids." I'm not sure if i understood that. could you please explain?
I'm not? I'm not doing anything wrong? thanks for saying that, it means a lot to me. but sadly, self confidence is something i really struggle with. are you sure if being confident in myself will make my mother's anger calm down? because maybe she is intentionally saying all those bad things about me to bring down my self confidence? i dunno about her intentions to be honest.
So you did survive the trip - yay! I knew that you could. Those things that we make it through that we feel we won't manage (and I have plenty of these too) remind us that we are stronger than we think.
It is good that you question things. That is often a strength not a weakness.
Your questions when you were younger were easier for your mom to handle: what is bread made of or why is dirt brown, etc.? They are really factual questions that if you don't know the answer to as a parent you can either look it up or postpone answering.
Now your questions (even unspoken) are tougher to answer because they make your mom ask herself internally why she is doing what she is doing. Sometimes she doesn't really know the answer to that question herself. Hence my comment: "This happens for all parents, trust me. It isn't a comfortable feeling and if you as a parent are insecure then you take it out on your kids."
So your mom responds with more anger because she doesn't know all the answers. That is okay. She isn't supposed to know all the answers either but it can be frustrating because you want your children to respect you. Your own self-esteem is heavily involved. Does that make more sense?
I can't promise you that your mom is going to stop yelling no matter what you do. She could very well calm down but she might not as well. But when you begin to hold onto the idea that some of her anger is based in her own self-doubt, then you begin to doubt yourself less.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 well, I too knew that I would "survive" the trip, literally speaking. I knew I wouldn't die in there, but the trip was awful and disgusting nevertheless. I say i managed because i didnt cry or something.
I understand and agree with everything to said about my questions. I agree my questions now are harder to answer.
When my mother isn't in a good mood, she does respond to my questions with anger, sometimes calls my questions stupid and says that I dont listen to answers given to me and keep questioning, it hurts to hear that, but never mind. But when she's in a good mood, she doesn't always respond with anger.
Now this reminds me of something. We have this chapter in political science called "parliament and making of laws". Now since the teachers in our school don't explain anything properly, mother explains them to me. In this chapter in the making of laws section, the textbook has picked up the example of protection of women from domestic violence act. *me referring to the textbook now hehe* There's a line the the textbook that says "Injury may be caused by physically beating up the woman or by emotionally abusing her. Abuse of woman cab also include verbal, sexual and economic abuse." There's also a storyboard kinda thing and a dialogue in that says "The definition of domestic violence should include physical, economic, sexual and verbal and emotional abuse."
Now I am obviously going to take the opportunity to ask my mother about these things. I may already know the answers thanks to my secret googling, by I'm not really supposed to know about all these types of abuse, so I pretend I don't know anything and ask my mother.
She gave me a fair enough meaning of physical and economic abuse. But what is sexual abuse? Question ignored. What is verbal abuse? Her answer goes "it means saying bad things or or shouting when you are angry, like I do to you when I am angry." So she knows that what she is doing is verbal abuse, and she is bravely admitting that, yet she is still doing it? What the heck is this?
What is emotional abuse? "the thing your father does to me, saying things to make someone feel bad".
What's the difference between verbal abuse and emotional abuse? "Verbal abuse just happens with anger without trying to make someone feel bad whereas with emotional abuse, the person is trying to make the other person feel bad." Now what the heck is this? She claims that her abuse is without intention to make me feel bad.
I dunno about her intentions to be honest, but Vase, do you think "With the amount of pain you are putting me through, you will one day have to live on the streets without food to eat. Mark my words! I am taking so much effort to raise you and you are just turning up like an animal. All my efforts are going down the drain." is said without the intention to hurt me? And there, I translated my mothers exact words that she yelled at me today. By the way, do you think I'm turning out like an animal? Arent humans not considered animals too? Like we aren't plants right?
I understand my parents want me to respect them, any parent would. But I don't think they will ever get my respect with the way they treat me. I might "show" respect, whatever that means, by I don't truly respect them, and I son know if I ever will.
Hmm... some of her anger is based on her own self doubt so i shouldnt doubt myself? I'll think about that.
So I am not sure that I agree with that definition of emotional versus verbal abuse. The only difference in my mind is that verbal abuse can only be done in words but emotional can take other forms like not talking to you or making food that you hate constantly on purpose. The key is that they are both abuse whether someone intends them to hurt or not. The person being abused gets to define whether they are being hurt, not the abuser. What if you had said to your mother immediately after she said what she did that her comments were hurtful to you and that they injured your self-esteem? She might at first have said "good" because she was still angry, but later on she would probably realize that she should not have said it and she might avoid saying it again. Or you could wait for several hours until she was calmer to let her know that she hurt you. You would probably have to do this a number of times. She isn't going to apologize most likely. But you have taken agency for how you felt. That gives you power over the situation that she was taking away from you. Saying nothing just gives her power that she doesn't deserve.
Does that help figure things out? @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 hey hey, apologies for my late reply. things have been a bit too busy for me and I've been super exhausted.
i know right? did id every say i agree with my mother's definition of emotional vs verbal abuse? it makes no sense! i really agree with you, verbal abuse is just a type of emotional abuse. even if abuse is not intentional, it is still abuse.
"What if you had said to your mother immediately after she said what she did that her comments were hurtful to you and that they injured your self-esteem?" well, i didn't tell her immediately, but i have told her and she has the stupid excuse of "oh, so what i said hurt you, but your uncooperative behaviour doesn't hurt me? are you the only human out here? if you don't stop hurting me, then i cant handle that anymore". anh yeah, I've told her that i felt multiple times. but her excuse always just makes me feel even guiltier. that's why i don't say anything these days and keep quiet.
"She might at first have said "good" because she was still angry, but later on she would probably realize that she should not have said it and she might avoid saying it again." i didn't exactly get that, but know that she never tried not to say the same thing again. she always says it again.
You have lots of good stuff here and I have seen it. I am going to do one evening to process it and I will write a better answer tomorrow.@exuberantBlackberry9105
I can totally get your frustration that she is saying similar hurtful things over and over again. I wish that I could say that there was a way to stop her from saying such things. There isn't.
But there are at least three ways of approaching it in my view: 1) letting it eat you up inside because you in some way believe her 2) do what she is doing to other people in your life (that is what she is doing to you I think - she feels that others abuse her (or she was abused verbally by her own parents) so she turns it onto you because it gives her power that she doesn't have otherwise or 3) you recognize that what she is doing actually is untrue and doesn't say anything about you.
Number three is the best option but it is hard to execute because you hear the abuse so often. But if you can begin to turn off her criticism and have it bother you less then you become a more whole person. You put yourself in charge of you. Every time she says something try as much as you can to look at it from the outside and ask questions: did I do something wrong there? If so, I do better next time. If not (and that is most of the time), then it can have no impact on me because she doesn't control my emotions.
Does that help?@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 It surely is frustrating. But I know there's no way to make her stop saying those. Like if I always did everything "properly" — I didn't keep the door close for so long, I ate quickly, I never got angry and always talked to her very politely, I became excellent at maths, I never asked "stupid" questions, I never "argued", I always kept my table clean, I always followed her instructions, I kept my hair the way she likes it, I always studies properly — maybe I would rob her of the excuses to tell me those bad things. But I'm sure she'd find other "reasons" to tell me things. And you know what? I CANNOT be that perfect child. Nobody is.
First of all Happy Birthday! I wish I could send you a card, but this short message will have to do.
You are working through things slowly but surely. You are going to get stronger and stop believing your mom's nasty words about you. You are right that you can't be perfect because she is always looking for something new to be upset about.
So turning her on her head in your mind and making sure that you don't become her is your best bet.
I think that not getting a birthday card this year is probably a good starting point. So why might she not have given you a card this year? As an abuser, she probably wants you to see it as a form of punishment for something that you did. That you are doing the reverse and seeing it as a good thing is a move in the right direction. She can't disappoint you any more (or at least not today)
The next best thing is to start to build up your life outside of your home life. That is how you are going to discover the you that you can be confident in.
So let's start chatting less about her and more about the outside stuff. Has school started up again yet? Tell me more about other things that you are doing. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 hey vase, i apologise for not talking to you lately. I've been very exhausted for some time now and sometimes it just feels too overwhelming to go much on the forums sometimes. but i thought that I'm not responding to you for so long so maybe I'd send at least a short reply because i dont want you to worry about me. i am realy sorry i wasnt responding.
thanks Vase, i really appreciate it. your love and support is so much more to me, so dont you worry about that.
oh, will i really be able to stop believing my mothers nasty words? i dont know. but yeah, I've come to realise that i cant be perfect. it's hard because I'm normally a perfectionist. I'm trying not to beat myself up about not being perfect. you might have noticed, that i dont always use correct capitalisation all the time these days. you see, i normally type from my phone which has incredible autocorrect that corrects all capitalisation issues, so when I'm on my phone i still use coorect capitals. but the laptop doesnt have so great autocorrect, so i used to mannually do everything to keep things consistent, but i dont do it anymore because it's not that necessary (this is informal communication, not something formal and this isnt an exam or something) and it only makes typing more energy consuming and that doesnt help my already low energy. I'm glad I've stopped being so perfect abut this thing haha.
i dont know if she meant that as a punishment but i dont think so. she said it's because she didnt have time. i dont know if thats the truth, but i dont care anyways.
build uo my life outside home life? how do i do that???
oh, you want to chat less about her? alright, but would you mind if i shared something she said that's really bugging me?
of couse school has started up again. school started on 3rd jan. then we had exams form 8th to 13th jan. and now we are having regular school again from 16th now that exams are over. what about you? are you back with your students? how are things going?
i didnt get what you meant by "Tell me more about other things that you are doing." though. what do you mean by other things?
You post when you can and when you want to. There is no reason to feel guilty about anything. It is always okay to take time off.
You are in a tough situation in that you have to listen to the negativity every day. But you are already overcoming it even if it doesn't feel like it. You can already see that what she is saying is wrong.
It is great that you can talk more about school now. That is exactly what I meant about moving away from the mom thoughts.
School isn't going to be perfect either, but it is a place where you can see different personality types than your mom. What types of people that you see at school or elsewhere do you like the most? How do they make you more comfortable or relaxed?
I have been continuing my daily trying to focus on something for at least a few minutes that can bring me into a more grateful state. Today it was buttons on some of my clothing. I was thinking about how many different kinds of buttons there are and how they all feel different. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Two things that I missed: yes, you can always share stuff about your mom. Just don't make her the central focus of your writing. She doesn't deserve that kind of power.
Second, I start my new semester during the final week of January. So right now I am spending lots of time prepping classes. It has been a rough month since I have already attended my aunt's memorial service and have to go to be with my mom since she is having eye surgery next week. But the biggest challenge is losing a job opportunity that I thought was going to be mine (they requested I apply and were pretty sure that I would be the only applicant). So that has been very painful especially because I now must prepare a class that I didn't know I was teaching. @bestVase7265
@bestVase7265 awww thank you so much for letting me talk about my mother. I'll try not to make her the focus of my writing. but if I'm focusing on her a bit too much, feel free to bring in another topic to shift the focus a bit.
anyway, what i wanted to share was that the other day, my mother went like "4 more years". i went "what do you mean 4 more years?" she said "4 more years till I'm free". what she's really talking about is 4 more years till i'm 18 and she won't be responsible for me anymore so she can travel and do whatever she wants.
but when she said that, she really made me feel like a burden. i feel like it's my fault and I'm stopping her from doing whatever she wants to do and I'm taking away her freedom. honestly, i hate being a burden. i dont want to make her wait 4 more years for freedom i can give it to her in 2 weeks. 2 weeks is all i need to wrap up my like a say goodbye to the world.
but then I'm also wondering, does she really deserve the freedom? should i really free her of a child? does she deserve a free child-free life? is it not her fault she fell under the pressure of my father and his siblings to have a child? they (my father and and his siblings) wanted a child urgently, my mother wanted to wait. but the pressure was too much for her so she eventually had me. she was 36 anyway when i was born, maybe she couldn't have waited much more because 36 is already a bit too old (in my culture at least) to have to first child. but she could have dealt with the pressure and not had a child if she really seriously wanted to wait. it's her fault she gave in and had me. so does she deserve the freedom?
i see. final week on january? is that next week? i get get, you must be busy prepping your classes. i really hope it goes alright, Vase. I'm sorry that this month has been a rough month for you and I'm sorry about your aunt. i can imagine that things are hard right now. whould you like to talk about it a bit? I'm here if you'd like to share. ah, i see your mom's having eye surgery this week. when this week is it? i really hope the surgery goes well. I'm sorry you lost the job opportunity. i might not understand everything about it but i understand that it's been very painful. preparing for a class you didnt know you were taching shounds hard. how are you managing? i understand that a lot of things have been going on for you. i wish you all the best. know that I'm here to listen if you feel comfortable talking to me. also, if repling to me feels like a lot on top of everything you're already dealing with, know that its okay to take a break. thank you for being here for me in spite of everything you are dealing with. 🤍🤍🤍
Ok, don't go down the path of "I could be gone in two weeks." It won't get you anywhere but more hurt. Remember that the person who will be free in 4 years isn't her. She will always be stuck in a mindset of anger and frustration. The person who will be free is you. You will be finding a better path over the next four years where you can be free of her and her negative influences. You were unlucky to be born to someone with so much resentment. That wasn't your fault. It doesn't mean that you aren't special or needed here. We are going to keep finding you a better path.
I am a little better but rather exhausted by the constant change of things at the moment. My mom's surgery was today. It went fine but I ended up yelling at her this morning when she started blaming me for something that I couldn't fix. And it was some very loud yelling at an 82 year old and I felt quite guilty after. But I have apologized lots and know much of it was based in all the job stuff of the last week.
Yes, I am teaching a course that I didn't think I was teaching starting next week. But I have taught it in the past so the prep isn't new. I just have lots of rereading to do. Today I also agreed to take on another course starting next week but it only meets an hour a week and it is taught with another instructor. But the prep for that will be all new. So we will see how it all goes. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 "It won't get you anywhere but more hurt." i didnt get that. anyway, will i really be free in 4 years? i dont think so. i feel like my parents will still have a lot of control on my life. and even if i do become free, will i be able to use the freedom properly? will i not fall prey to frauds and what not? will i be able to manage everything by myself? i dont think so. that's why I'd love to be gone in 2 weeks. as for freedom from her negative influences, i dont think that'll happen. she will still be able to tell me those awful hurtful things every day of my life. "It doesn't mean that you aren't special or needed here." why do you say that? i understand about being needed. but we aren't supposed to be special right? people say "never consider yourself special or unique. be down to earth." thats something we get told constantly at school.
i understand, things changing constantly aren't fun at all. but i'm happy to hear that your mom's surgery went fine. how's she doing today? how are you feeling today?
hey, it's okay, even if it was loud yelling at you mom who's 82, you're already dealing with a lot of things in your life and on top of that if you're blamed for something you can't fix, it's only natural to become angry or frustrated. i really hope your mom forgives you. 🤍
oh no, that sounds like a lot of work for you. it's all history related by the way, right? i really hope your prepping goes well. wish you all the best. let me know how it goes.
What I meant was that living in the realm of death doesn't solve anything and it keeps your depression going much longer than it needs to. You also get hurt by your mom's words but also by the repetition in your head. Your goal is to get that repetition down. That is the part that you can control. And it does get easier as you get older and you aren't living with your parents every day.
I can understand the educational idea that thinking you are special makes you feel less down to earth. But I am more used to flipping that around. You live in a great planet at a great time. Your job is to figure out something unique that you can do to give back and share with other people. Your specialness is your life purpose. That is what you are looking for. Maybe yours is with kids.
I am okay today. I am back home after my mom's surgery. She did fine. Now I am just trying to prepare for my semester. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i guess you're right. but I've been living like this for years now. the first time i seriously considered saying goodbye to the world was 9th aug 2021, i was 11 back then. don't worry, I've never attempted it but the thoughts have never gone away. they have been here with me for nearly 3 years now.
umm how do i get that repetition down? it feels out of control to me. "And it does get easier as you get older and you aren't living with your parents every day." what do you mean by that? i will obviously be living with my parents every day even as i get older.
my job is is to figure out something unique?? i could never do that. "Your specialness is your life purpose." what the heck's my specialness? I'm just usual. nothing's special about me. "Maybe yours is with kids." what does that mean?
I'm happy to hear that you're doing okay and that your mother did fine. how do you feel about being back home? i hope your preparations go well. 🤍
@bestVase7265 thanks vase, i appreciate it. i just sometimes feel guilty if i dont respond to you within a day, because you always do. i really admire your consistency.
i agree. i do see that what she's saying is mostly wrong, but sometimes i feel like some of it is right. it's confusing...
haha, i know school isn't going to be perfect. actually, it's not even close to being good. i really hate school. but yeah, i do get to see different personalities. to answer your question about what types of people i like the most, i usually like people who are smiling and laughing often (but then not those who laugh at other people, i only like the ones who smile and laugh when it's appropriate). maybe kinda happy-go-lucky people. i guess people who are honest at least to some extent and are willing to help people other than their own friends. but as for making me comfortable or relaxed, they don't always do that because my own thoughts and worries consume me so I'm hardly ever relaxed, I'm always very tense. but when they do make me feel relaxed, i dont know how they do it.
oh, that sounds nice - trying to focus on something for at least a few mins. ah, buttons seem interesting. *suddenly gets up and checks buttons on my clothing* most of mine seem very similar. they are small, round, either transparent or white in colour. just one exception - a sweater my grandmother made years ago (before i was born). it has huge biscuit coloured buttons.
anyway, what's the thing you tried to focus on today?
So what exactly worries you about school? Create a short list of maybe two or three things. Then brainstorm a solution for each one. What can you focus on to make it feel less overwhelming.
Why do the people who look happier and kinder seem less impacted by those stresses? Watch them. Are there certain things that they are doing to stay calmer?
So my momentary focus point today was half of a peach that I ate for lunch. Right now peaches aren't really in season here so I haven't been buying them. But I am currently visiting my mom for her surgery and she had bought some. I had forgot how sweet and juicy they were. It also reminded me that my own prejudgments (oh that fruit isn't good right now) is keeping me from taking the chance of buying it and actually finding that it tastes just fine. Our prejudgments often lean us in the wrong direction. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 honestly, making a list of 2-3 things that worry me about school is very very hard for me. i cant do that, there are too many things i worry about. I'll just list some of the biggest worries.
1. people constantly looking at me and judging me for every step i take or every word i say. i was under the very incorrect assumption that nobody notices anything but I've been proven wrong ever since I've been listening to my classmates' convos more closely. they talk about how people look, (I've heard people use very shoking words for how people look, i heard someone call someone "deformed" just because their face looks a little unusual. come on, that's not a deformity!) how people walk, how people score in exams, how people's voice sounds, and what not. this just makes me wonder how negatively people might persieve me. also, when i sit next to little kids in the bus sometimes, like 1st to 3rd graders, that look intimidated by me. why is that? okay, i know many teens are very harsh and rude with these cute little kids but I'm not one of them. i love little ones like anything. i talk to them as gently as i can. but i feel like they are just sitting there and judging me and are getting scared by me. i feel like a scary monster whenever i am near little children.
2. fear of being told off by a teacher. i don't know why, but in a way, I've always been scared of this for as long as i can remember. so i try to do everything perfectly so that a teacher has nothing to scold me about or complain about me to my parents during a parent teacher meeting (ptm). a teacher can never ever say anything about my uniform. we have a lot of rules about hair is school and i wont get into the details of it but for my length, you're just expected to wear a cloth hairband, either black or white depending on the uniform. most people dont wear their hairbands and tie it on their wrists instead and sometimes they get away, sometimes they are scolded. i never remove my hairband from my head. even if it is giving me a very bad headache, i sit there with the hairband because i dont want to be scolded. i digress, but my point is, i always try to follow rules even though i hate them like anything just because i dont want a scolding. that includes trying to maintain a complete notebook at all times, completing projects even if that means staying up till 2 am. but it doesnt work. i still get scolded. deppression makes it hard to keep notebooks complete, so I've notten some 'incomplete' remarks in my notebooks. also, teachers love to complain about my not speaking in class. but there's nothing i can do about that.
3. fear of being caught off gaurd, especially since i get startled easily. also, fear of being suddenly asked to answer a question in class. that makes my heart start pounding and it makes me very nervours. my heart doesnt stop pounding until at least 5 mins after everything is over. and if i don't know the answer to that question. it's it even worse. i cant say 'i dont know' because as someone who scores well in exams, teachers have high expectations from me. also, it's embarrassing to say i dont know in front of so many people, especially as a high scorer. in that case, my heart doesnt stop pounding until at least 15 mins after everything js over. it also happens after i suddenly realise about a mistake i made or something like that.
i think that covers most of what worries me about school. to be honest, i have no idea of the possible solutions for these worries. maybe you can help. it's just too overwhelming to focus on something else.
"Why do the people who look happier and kinder seem less impacted by those stresses?" thats a tough question to answer. maybe its because they dont care as much. like if a teacher scolds them, they can forget it and move on. i cant. i take it personally and a scolding stays with my for the rest of the year, or maybe at least a few months. "Are there certain things that they are doing to stay calmer?" i have no idea.
i see. a peach, I've never had one, I've never even see a real one. i know they grow in india, but i dunno if they're available in my city because my father never brings any home (he does all the fruit and vegetable shopping). suppose they are available, he doesnt buy them for some reason. but i dont know. "Our prejudgments often lean us in the wrong direction." that's very true. but on some level, i think it makes sense to not want to buy fruits that aren't in season. anyway, what was your focus point today?
It was interesting because you said that coming up with a few things was too hard to do and then did an awesome job doing just that. You are doing great. I'll give quick comments on each one.
1) I can understand being fearful of being judged. We all have a similar fear. Bu you are evaluating things pretty well. As you said those making the comments are being overly harsh. That means they are wrong. So they would be wrong about you if they were making similar comments. As far as the young kids go. there will always be some who will be intimidated by anyone. It is also great that you like young children. That gives you one thing (what I would call a passion point) of things that you can explore in life further as you get older. You are also quite different than your mom in that regard.
2) Ok, so this one is also related to your home life a bit. Because your mom scolds you regularly, you want to find adults that don't do that so it doesn't feel like everyone does that. But the way to work through this might be to redefine scolding. What your mom does is to hurt you. There is nothing in there about making you grow. In the case of your teachers, they aren't saying things to hurt you. When they say something is slightly incomplete (even though you spent a while on it) that doesn't mean they see you as a bad student. Rather they are trying to make you a better and stronger one because they believe in you. That is also true of speaking up in class. They want to hear your good ideas. I know that this framing is really hard to see. What might help is when a teacher says something that you find harsh to reframe it as them wanting to shape your potential. This isn't true of all teachers of course, but there are always some who are good and who don't see the world or you as your mom does.
3) "I don't know" is actually a great response. I know it is a hard one because you feel less prepared or stupid, but no one knows everything. I am working on making that one of my more regular responses as a teacher. I want students to realize that I don't know everything either. That is what learning is - not knowing but always trying to know more and being curious. You can have that quality too.
So what do you think of these reframings?
Sorry that you haven't had a peach yet. I am sure that there are awesome fruits that you eat daily that I haven't had a chance to try. There are so many cool things out there in the world to explore.
Today my moment of focus was grass. When I arrived on campus, there were people cutting the grass loudly on large power mowers. I was supposed to be meeting someone and I was scared that the sound would make it too hard for us to hear one another. But then I started to see an advantage - the newly cut grass smelled wonderful and I hadn't smelt it in a while. We ended up having our meeting just fine but further away. So the moment reminded me that what I am worried about rarely happens and things can turn out even better than I think they will if I can figure out how to put my worry to the side.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i managed to do that because i didn't include many of my worries. i just mentioned 4of them (the 3rd point had so separate worries put together).
1. i didn't say that those making the comments are being overly harsh. i said that many teens are very harsh while talking to younger children. anyway, not that you;ve said that, when i think about that, i can say that it's a bit harsh. yeah, some kids might be intimidated by anyone, but why all almost all of them feel intimidated by me? what's wrong with me? "That gives you one thing (what I would call a passion point) of things that you can explore in life further as you get older." i didn't get that. what do you mean by 'explore' there? "You are also quite different than your mom in that regard." I'm not. my mother likes little kids too, or so she claims. she says that all the little kids she has known have always loved her and enjoyed being with her. she's told me a lot of stories about that stuff. now i dunno if she's lying, I'm not good at detecting lies. but honestly, what's the use of that if her own child hates her so much? i guess maybe she doesn't like me anymore because I'm not so little anymore, and she only likes little kids. but come on, you can't just stop liking your child just because they are growing older, you can't stop them from growing up.
(I'm sleepy and need to go to bed, it's 12:09 am right now. I've already typed this much so I'll send it, I'll get back to the rest of your message tomorrow. i hope that's okay.)
It is better just to focus on solving one or two things at a time anyway. Otherwise it all feels much too overwhelming. Little steps are always better than looking at the mountain.
There is nothing wrong with you. Little kids can get intimidated for no reason at all. They are quite high strung. You are a good person who wants to care for them as people. That is what matters.
The whole exploration thing is what you do in life in general - you constantly look for things that bring you little moments of joy like kids. Then you find ways to make that part of your daily life as much as you can.
Your mom may think that kids love her but she has made it clear that she doesn't love them at all ages. You need to love kids whether they are young and adore you without thinking AND when they question you or do something that irritates you. You made it clear from your earlier stuff that your mom's love always had conditions, even when you were younger. This is why I think that you would be much better with little kids than your mom, no matter what she thinks of herself.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 @bestVase7265 "Little steps are always better than looking at the mountain." sooo right.
@bestVase7265 hey, I'm kinda realising that I'm making things messy here because I'm not responding to the full message at once and now we've even gone to page 3 of our chat, so things are metting confusing. so i think I'll respond to everything in one message now to clean up the mess I've made. please bear with me for this really long post as i attempt to clear up the mess I've made here. (I'm typing it on the personal notes thingy on cups so i can come back to type whenever i have time).
(in response to your message beginning with "You are right that there are plenty of other people out there who can get annoyed and yell.").
i agree that people usually have their reasons to behave the way they are, they might be tired of their job or life, they are totally allowed to be frustrated or angry, i just wish they wouldnt get it out on us. if we somehow express frustration towards them, we get a major major scolding. but if they do it, they can get away with it. THAT is what annoys me, not the fact that they get the anger out on us in general. on one hand they talk so much about anger free classroom and how we should learn to control our anger, but they dont have to learn to do that. they have the freedom to get it out on us by using us as their dustbins. also, teachers are allowed to swear. we arent. swear words are swear words. but Vase, please dont take that personally. don't let that hurt you. i'm talking about the teachers who teach our class this year. in no way am i talking about all teachers in general, and I'm also not talking about some of the good teachers I've seen in the past. good teachers certainly exist, they're just not very common (in my opinion). I'm sure you're one of the good ones. 🤍
"But I find that the easiest way to deal with them is to focus on those excuses and sympathize." thank you so much for that, i will sure try doing that now. "The only person's reaction that you can control is YOURS." you're right. maybe if i find my way back to the good quickly i would do less damage to myself.
(in response to your message starting "My favorite part of this message was when you explained to me how the kid made you smile.")
haha, i hope that made you smile too. now i get what you meant by making it part of my life as much as possible. but it's hard because the only time i really see little children is in the bus and i find it hard to stay awake in the bus so that i can actually notice what those kids are saying or doing. with the little amount of sleep i get at night, i keep falling asleep in the bus (unless I'm really very worried about something) i sleep in the morning on my way to school and in the afternoon while coming home, so i dont get to see the kids a lot. but maybe I'll just have to find moments of joy elsewhere other than those little children.
if you cant think of any particular age when you disliked your kids, that's great. you must be an amazing amazing mom. hehe, i get it about the nostalgia. i feel nostalgic every time i talk about little children because i remember how many of them i have played with, hugged and comforted. i love little children. as we approach 31st jan, it will be 3 years since i played with a little child. it will also be 3 years since we left our beautiful apartment and moved into where we are living now. i miss the old days. anyways, i understand about sometimes wishing school would start again when your kids were home for long periods. i know it gets boring after a while. i get a bit bored too during summer holidays and i hate having to be with my mother 24/7 during school breaks. applies to diwali break and winter break and term end break too.
"They very much irritate me sometimes, but those moments aren't the ones that I focus on. I focus on the ones where I smile. It is a choice that I make that your mom isn't making." that's soooo nice to hear for some reason. your kids are lucky to have you. but they even make you smile though? because i am hardly ever able to make my parents smile these days. it was easy when i was younger but it's super hard now. i feel so good when i do make them smile though. "You can make the more joyful choice yourself. It just takes practice." I'll try by best to do that.
ah, i see. your sons seem pretty grown up now. makes me wonder how old you are but of course you don't need to tell me that. it's good to hear that you get to see your sons often and text with them every day. oh, nice, it's you're son's birthday next week! how will he be celebrating? like 18th birthday is a big deal right?
ooh you actually worry if your kids get injured playing sports? i dont play any sports willingly (though I'm forced to play something during pe class in school). but i still get injured otherwise, you know, and my parents never worry (unless I really can't get up or theres bleeding or something) so I have to deal with the pain on my own, no matter how bad it hurts.
but what's worn in cold weather seems like something you worry about and my parents worry about too. i obviously never wear shorts (you know my clothing specifications), and i always wear a jacket if it's even slightly cold, but my mother is always telling to so put on the hood of the jacket so i dont get sick.
sounds like you have to deal with a forgetful son, i get that it's not easy, but I'm glad you can still see it as a minor issue and focus on the good. i have some idea of what it's like to deal with a forgetful person, my father is a bit forgetful, hehe.
(in response to your message starting with "It was interesting because you said that coming up with a few things was too hard to do and then did an awesome job doing just that.")
3. i dont feel like "i dont know" is a great response as students. it might be okay to say if the teacher asks a question about something thats not been taught in class yet. but the teachers don't usually leave us there. they'll tell us to "think". but anyway, if its somehing that has been taught or something that's there in the textbook, and i say i dont know, it doesn't show that no one knows everything, it shows that i haven't read the book or haven't paid attention in class (that doesn't normally happen because i do pay attention, but more recently, i sometimes i get carried away with my own thoughts and it's hard to pay attention to the teacher) so I'll be laughed at.
as for teachers though, i think if a student asks a question and the teacher doesn't know the answer, i think "i don't know" is an amazing answer. maybe not that directly, but something like "I'll find out and let you know". of course no one knows everything! saying i don't know is wayyyyyyy better than misinforming students. I'm so glad to hear that you're trying to make that one of your more regular responses. unfortunately, most teachers cant admit that and instead say give incorrect information or ignore the question and pretend they didn't dear it, or call it a stupid question just because they don't know the answer. i have come across very few teachers who actually have to skill of saying i don't know.
why are you sorry i havent had a peach yet? you shouldnt be. i dont think i eat fruits daily but i do have something on most days. usually its something like banana, apple, orange, mousami, pomegranate, papaya, guava, fig, cucumber, tomato, grapes and strawerres (speaking of which, i know my username had the word blackberry in it, but I've never had a blackberry, though I've had indian blackberry, which is a really different thing). i guess thats all i can remember that I've had anytime recently. and maybe mango, watermelon and muskmelon in the summer months. anything of these you haven't had a chance to try yet? what kinda fruits do you usually have?
speaking of this though, I've been having a bit of a problem with food lately because i dont feel hungry. would you mind if I talked about it?
oooh grass seems interesting. I've never really smelt freshly cut grass to be honest. we have a big ground in school but the grass there hardly ever needs cutting because we kids are running over it, that's where we have pe class, we have our morning assemblies in the ground sometimes. the grass there doesnt really stay intact and they dont cut it. the only time they cut it is after monsoon when it grows tall time anything, but I've never had the chance to smell it. and I've never smelt freshly cut grass as gardens or parks either... anyway, I'm glad your meeting went just fine.
"what I am worried about rarely happens and things can turn out even better than I think they will if I can figure out how to put my worry to the side." i really have to agree. maybe what i worry about doesnt happen so rarely after all, but it certainly doesnt happen all the time. sometimes things do turn out well. but yeah, putting worries to the side is a real hard thing to do. anyway, what was your moment of focus today? by the way, you dont have to tell me if this isnt something you enjoy telling me. but if you like telling me, feel free to go ahead and share that every time you post on here.
by the way, i hope you dont mind me saying this, but i think thanks to my posts being messy and all over the place, you may have missed out on one of them. it's the one that begins with "i guess you're right. but I've been living like this for years now." and it's on page 2 of our chat. please dont feel bad because I'm telling you this, it's my fault i made a mess of posts here, not your fault. it's okay to miss things out.
i think you'll be starting your semester tomorrow, right? i really hope your prepping has been going well. all the best for tomorrow. wish you luck. 🤍🤍
You have messed nothing up. We can easily pull the messages together here.
I totally understand your annoyance and there are certainly plenty of bad teachers out there. Nor did I think that you were saying anything about my teaching. You got the biggest part of that message - avoid letting that anger destroy you. Happy thoughts about your teachers may be incorrect, but they will keep you calmer.
And then directly after that message about how great things go with my kids, I was brought back to earth with a big parenting mistake of my own. As I said, my middle one started playing rugby last year. It is really hard for me to watch. He has already broken a finger, gotten ***, and had a concussion. He is currently out for another bit because he injured his back. And yet yesterday I was watching his team play online (because they were playing about 3 hours away) and I saw him playing. I was mad because he had promised me that he wasn't going to. So I sent off a nasty text message accusing him of lying to which I got no reply. I went to bed angry. When I woke up there was a message from him. His phone had died. He also hadn't been playing. I had mixed up him and another kid. So I apologized. I know that your mom wouldn't do that in the same situation, but it does point out that all parents make mistakes too.
I have to go to bed at the moment, but I will try to look for that missing one tomorrow. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I am going to wait one more night before I look up that older post to respond. It has been a rougher day for me and I need a mental health break. @bestVase7265
@bestVase7265 i can agree that i really need to avoid letting that anger tear me apart.
awww Vase, it hurts me to hear that, i can feel you. it must be really hard for you to watch him getting injured. I'm sorry to hear about his injuries. how is his back injury now? ah, I'm sorry to hear that. sometimes we mix up people and it's not fun (I've mixed up people a lot of times before). i can't speak for all kids, but the truth is, a lot of us kids lie often (myself included, i lie to my parents, teachers and even classmates a lot, at this point, i dunno why i do it, it's become a habit), so it's not unusual to be accused of lying, even if i didn't do anything. but come on, even if you did accuse your son, he didn't really play, right, and also you apologised, which is one of the best things a parent can ever do, in my opinion. i hope he forgives you and moves on.
"it does point out that all parents make mistakes too." well said, i really agree. all parents make mistakes, all children make mistakes, all students make mistakes, all teachers make mistakes, all living things on earth make mistakes....
well, surprisingly, my mother does apologise sometimes when she realises that she really did something wrong. she never apologies for the hurtful things she tells me but if she did something extreme like slapping me for a small mistake or telling me to go away from her and get lost just because i said something she didn't like, she does apologise. a couple hours later though. but i still appreciate an apology from her, even if she'll do the same thing again, it makes it easier to stop thinking about it and move on.
hehe, i hope you've been able to have a good night's sleep that day. you're allowed to take as long as you want to respond to that older post. I'm sorry to hear that yesterday has been a rough day for you. would you want to talk about it? please take a break and take care of yourself.
I am a bit better tonight. I was just a bit panicked about classes starting today because last semester was god awful. But overall they went okay and I don't think that I did anything too embarrassing. The students seemed fairly nice and engaged which is good.
My son will be fine eventually. He is trying to be patient and let things heal. But he probably has about a month before he can play again.
My kids usually don't lie to me so even making an accusation like that is a big deal in our house. I basically said as they became teenagers that I wouldn't overreact if they would keep telling me the truth. So it is rare that I catch them in a lie.
Anyway, he forgave me very quickly which was kind and I told him so.
It is good that your mom apologizes occasionally. Focus on those moments when she (or your teachers) say that they are sorry for something. It will make the world feel better.
Any good moments the last few days? I am still trying to do my focus moments. Today mine was during a quick breathing exercise that I do to start class. I was rotating my ankles which helped me to relax a bit before starting. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I am having trouble finding the missing message. Can you point me towards it?
@bestVase7265 hey there, apologies for my late response, I've had a very busy and just in general awful week. anyway, it's good to hear that you've been better. how are you doing more recently, and how have classes been this week? ooh, you dealing with a new set of students?
i really hope your son feels better soon. i wish him all the best with healing. by the way, you mentioned that it was your youngest son's birthday this week, right? how was it, or is it on this weekend?
woah, it's really nice to hear that your kids don't usually lie to you. you've done a great job raising some honest kids. i just told you that i lie to my parents and teacher a lot and sometimes to classmates too. and you know what, i catch them lying too, especially my parents. i get lied to a real lot, and i can sometimes lie a lot too, and this makes it really hard to trust people. a lot of times, especially with parents and teachers, i can catch that they're lying and i might even know the truth they're trying to hide. but i dont say anything and keep it to myself. (and i very well know that sometimes when i lie to my parents, they know I'm lying but they dont say anything.) with classmates, it's a lot harder to tell if someone is lying though.
it's great that your son quickly forgave you for that accusation.
the last few days have been pretty hard for me, even though I've had quite a few good moments. like the other day we got to know our marks in the english exam that happened in the seccond week of jan. i scored pretty well (39/40) but i noticed that in one question that was for 4 marks, the teacher have me 4.5 and i knew it was an accident and i brought it to the teacher's notice but she just let it be and said something very unclearly but i think she tried to say that she might have interchanged the marks accidentally with the previous question that was for 5 marks. anyway, when i was telling this to my mother, she was happy about what i did because i did the right thing even if it meant the teacher could have deducted hald a mark there. my mother said i deserved a hug for that and gave me a hug.
another good moment was that it was my father's fake birthday (if that makes sense) the other day and my mother felt like having ice cream so we all had some ice cream. i wouldn't normally call that a good moment because i cream doesnt really excite me anymore but i call it a good moment because my mother somehow allowed us to have ice cream in the middle of winter. she normally only allows me to have it in the summer, and not all of summer either, only april and may. i mean, come on, it's hot enough for ice cream in march and the first few week of june are very hot too until monsoon sets in, and that hardly ever happens before july these days.
another good moment was one i had with a classmate or 'friend' if you'd like to call her. she told me that in science class when the teacher was teaching about ionic bond and covalent bond, she heard one person say "ma'am, there is one more bond - ruskin bond, james bond." (i hadn't heard him say that, because he spoke while the teacher was speaking and i generally listen to the teacher and not other kids when they talk while the teacher is speaking) but oh my goodness, that's such a funny classic joke. reminds me, when we were in 3rd grade and we were learning about ganga-brahmaputra basin, indus basin and so on, someone in our class said "ma'am, there is one more basin - wash basin." gosh, that's so funny. i hope you could laugh a little on those. I've had a few other funny moments and I'd love to share, but they'd need a but too much of explanation and context to make sense.
it's nice hearing about your focus moments. what was it today?
oh, as for the missing message, it was one from 25th jan. we can't link to a specific message, so I'll copy paste the whole message, okay?
@bestVase7265 i guess you're right. but I've been living like this for years now. the first time i seriously considered saying goodbye to the world was 9th aug 2021, i was 11 back then. don't worry, I've never attempted it but the thoughts have never gone away. they have been here with me for nearly 3 years now.
umm how do i get that repetition down? it feels out of control to me. "And it does get easier as you get older and you aren't living with your parents every day." what do you mean by that? i will obviously be living with my parents every day even as i get older.
my job is is to figure out something unique?? i could never do that. "Your specialness is your life purpose." what the heck's my specialness? I'm just usual. nothing's special about me. "Maybe yours is with kids." what does that mean?
I'm happy to hear that you're doing okay and that your mother did fine. how do you feel about being back home? i hope your preparations go well. 🤍
by the way, i wanted to ask a little question, something happened in hindi class on thursday that's kinda bothering me, could i talk about it? and also, I'm having a bit of a problem with food lately, can i share about that so hopefully you'd be able to help?
First of all that was a totally AWESOME list of moments that you came up with that were good ones. I know that was really hard for you to do. Spontaneous jokes or getting ice cream are extremely important to highlight especially when other things seem like they are going poorly.
That doesn't mean however that you can't mention the bad stuff. Feel free to tell me about the Hindi class issue and the food. It is writing with a combination of the good and the bad that you can process best.
Great job in remembering that it is my youngest son's birthday this week (Wednesday to be exact). We will just be going out to dinner and doing a few presents, but it should be nice. Yes I do have a new group of students which seem okay so far. We will see how the semester goes along.
As far as the message that I missed: my main point there is that you don't know what the future holds or what kind of life you might end of living. The key right now is to find those moments that bring you joy and see what you can do so that as you get older they can happen more often. For instance, I knew when I was your age that I liked reading history books. It was what I ended up studying in college and why I teach it now. But each person's path is very individualized.
So, anything special happen for you today? My focus moment was lighting a candle and then blowing it out. I watched the smoke billow up from the wick and it brought me peace as it disappeared into the sky.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 thank you. vase, that means a lot. haha, thanks for letting me talk about the bad stuff too. i know what's impprtant is talking about both, but when i talk about the bad stuff i usually get so engrossed in it that i dont mention the good things.
so as for the hindi class, on thursday (1st feb) the teacher was basically distribusting all the notebooks she had collected. she was also scolding the ones who had submitted incomplete notebooks, like in front of the whole class, she was saying that so and so is incomplete in your notebook.
after she gave all the notebooks back, she asked me whether or not i got my notebook back. i answered saying that i hadn't submitted my notebook. she then asked why my notebook was incomplete. i lied and said "no ma'am it's complete, i just don't have it today with me". (in reality, my notebook actually was incomplete because i've been having a super hard time doing homework lately due to lack of motivation.) she then said "why didn't you bring it today we have hindi class today, right? bring it tomorrow and submit it". i replied "okay ma'am".
but she, instead of dropping the topic there, she started telling me that "there is a drastic change in you in term 2". (our academic year is divided into two terms, term 1 from mid june to mid oct and term 2 from mid oct to mid march) i sadly have to agree that i have changed a lot since oct as I've been a lot more depressed than before. but that was still really really hurtful to hear from a teacher especially in front of the entire class. the whole class heard her say that, and I'm no ashamed. i didn't know what to say, so i just said "sorry ma'am" and luckily she dropped it there.
but as any scolding from a teacher does, it left me trembling in fear sitting there. i wanted to cry. but luckily i managed not to. i can't imagine what whould have happened if i did start crying. but i was trembling so bad. normally when something like this happens, drinking some water helps. but we aren't allowed to drink water without permission in class. and i know that hindi teacher pretty well, and i know that whenever someone asks for permission to drink water, she says "i am the one talking for the past (whatever) minutes and you're the one who's thirsty?" so i didn't ask for permission and i just sat there in fear and couldn't drink water until after the teacher left the class. when i came home that day, i literally cried my eyes out.
that's all about that thursday's hindi class. i just want to share shomething about friday's hindi class. it is nowhere nearly as hurtful as what happened that thursday, but this one hurts too. the teacher is telling us about how when we grow up, we should focus on helping people and we shouldn't even think about money. she claimes what in english means "all your parents have enough money for everything. house, vehicles, everything they have. you shouldn't be thinking about money and buying a house and so on. and most of you are single children too, so you don't have to worry, all your parent's property will come to you. you should focus on helping others even if you don't get money for it. your parents already have everything, what do you need money for?".
it hurts me to hear such overgeneralised opinions. and it's so irrelevant to the peom being taught. and anyway, that advice might apply to her son (who's in 9th grade in our school), but it clealy cant apply to the whole class. what on earth made her think that parents of all 40 children in the class have everything? i mean, i get that her point is don't run after money and let it be the only think you care about. but who told her that everyone's parents have a house? if you didn't know, we live on rent in spite of my father being 61 (yeah, you read that right, he's 61 and I'm 14). not owning a house is a big deal in india because literally everyone owns a home here. maybe some young people dont, but my father is legally a senior citizen. he also has huge loans to repay. (and the other day, my mother told me that i will be responsible for replaying those in case my father isn't able to. she did tell me not to be upset about it because something will work out, and that's a relief to hear but i cant help but be a bit worried.) does that mean i will only care about money and nothing else? no. does that mean i help people only if i get money for it? no, helping people makes me feel good. but does it mean i dont even have to think about money and live under the assumption that my parents "have everything"? no way!
anyway, that's enough talking about the hindi teacher who is literally making my life he- well, terrible. as for the food problem, so you know that i don't feel very hungry lately. but i hate to waste food because it makes me so worried. (and the hindi teacher isn't helping it. right now she is teaching a poem about earth's call for help, and in that she has to bring up how we people mindlessly waste food that some farmer has taken so much effort to grow. that just makes me more and more worried.) so normally, i just eat very very slowly when I'm not hungry. when I'm at home, it means i can take about 1 hr to eat dinner, or lunch and about 45 mins for breakfast. however, when I'm at school, we just get 10 mins to eat breakfast and 25 mins for lunch. that means that I'm not able to finish my food and i bring it home. then at home, my mother scolds me for not finishing the food. she asks me why i didn't finish my food, and then i say that I didn't get time and then she asks me "why? what class did you have before the break? did the teacher extend the teaching for some time?" and so on, so i often lie because teachers usually do leave us on time, it's just me eating slowly.
i mean, it makes sense for her to question me about that - she gets up at 5:30 in the morning and makes me breakfast and lunch by 7 am. that must ve hard for her and i understand she gets angry when i dont finish the food. but what is there for me to do? sometimes i try to gulp down my food to finish at least some of it, but then that's not good to do, right? I've been thinking that maybe i should finish my food on the bus ride home, but it's wierd to eat in the bus, right? so what do you think i should do? and what do i do to eat faster when I'm at home, because my mother yells at me a lot for eating slowly?
ooh your son's birthday was on wednesday. how did it go? i do hope he had fun. how do you feel about him being 18 now?
haha, we don't know what the teacher holds and that's exactly what scares me. aww you liked reading history books when you were young and you teach history now? that sounds so nice. my mother used to like maths when she was in school, and she did teach maths for a while in her late 20s (but she didn't teach for too long). when my father was a teen, he liked machinery and tools and he's a contractor now, so that partly has to do with machines. but honestly speaking, there is no subject i really like. everyone seems to like something and i like nothing and it feels wierd.
to think of a special moment is hard today, it's honestly not been a good day. if you want me to say something from wednesday, thursday, or friday, i could. for today, maybe i could say that my mother was a bit kind to me this morning. but then she also a bunch of terrible things later on in the day. she called me weak because i can't carry a 15 litre bucket full of water with one hand from the bathroom to the balcony. i mean, come on, i just can't carry it because my hands will move and the water will spill. i could carry it in the buxket had a lid or something. and even without that, i can carry it with two hands, what's the problem? why does she always have to say these things? she also said that I'm very self centered and obsessed with myself because i apparently dont cooperate with her. that hurts. it's probably not true because i do think about others and feel for other quite a lot actually. but knowing that she thinks of my that way really hurts. i dont know how to prove her wrong, because i do have to say that i often dont cooperate with her, not on purpose though.
aww it's nice to hear about the candle and that it brought you peace. what was your focus moment today?
I'm sorry about the really long post by the way. i wasnt avle to make it short, I'm really sorry. i just wanted to get things off my chest. i feel better venting about all those things.
A long, venting post is fine. You are right about getting some of what is in your brain out.
I am sorry that you are struggling with your Hindi teacher. What was interesting in the incident that you described first was the fact that you admitted that she was doing it to other students before she called you out. So her aim was to embarrass everyone into better behavior, not just you. Fear is a poor teaching technique. Recognize that and focus on the fact that her calling you out doesn't make you a bad person or even a bad student. When she does it to one person, she is doing it to the whole class at the same time.
That is related a bit to the second moment that you described. You said it well yourself - she was taking a single moment and applying it much too broadly. In both situations, she used too broad of a brush to paint with. As you said, her comments don't apply to your situation. Yes, being kind to people and helping is always a good goal but it is okay to not be wealthy enough to do that as often as she can. It doesn't make you or your family any worse as people.
Just do your best with the eating. When you are eating at school, focus on it a bit rather than on other things. But if you don't finish that is okay too. Just make sure that you are getting enough calories throughout the day. Maybe she is packing a bit too much for a school lunch. I would consider eating more on the bus on the way home. It isn't weird to eat on the bus. It is a snack. Some people do better with lots of smaller meals rather than larger ones.
My son's birthday went fine and he enjoyed it. We gave him a few smaller world flags because he likes flags very much. It is a rather bizarre hobby, but as I said when I was asking you about what you like, each person has unique things about them. Sometimes they aren't school subjects at all. Do you collect anything or have music that you listen to or art that you like to do? Think really broadly here.
Focus on your mom's good comments rather than the rougher ones. You know that you did your best in carrying the water. That is what matters, not her comments.
Did you have a moment of peace today that you can remember as good? Mine was probably looking out at water as sunlight sparkled on top of it.
@bestVase7265 woah i totally missed out on this post. i don't understand how i can not notice it for 11 days!! i mean 11 days! what's wound with me?! i came on this thread earlier today to continue our schoolwork convo here and noticed that i had a post waiting for me from so long ago. I'm sorry i missed out. i am really sorry. please lemme reply to it now.
yeah, i agree the hindi teacher embarassed nearly everyone. thw only people who were saved of the embarrassment were the ones who had submited perfectly complete notebooks and the ones who didnt submit their notebooks (I'm the only exception here, I'm the only one who didnt submit their notwbook and got scolded).
but when she scolds one person, she's doing it to the whole class? what if the others didn't do anything wrong?
"she used too broad of a brush to paint with." exactly! i couldnt agree more, vase. one thing I've realised is that she is thinking about her son when she's saying all this and she's telling us what her son may need to hear. her son is in 9th grade in our school (we're in 8th grade right now). I've seen her son a lot of timesand from what I've observed, he's very rude and arrogant and also doesnt follow school rules. i understand she is frustrated with her own son and she's telling us what she really wants to tell her son. maybe she's told him many times but he probably don't listen to her. so she tells us those things instead.
the other day she was specifically talking all the boys in our class claiming that they are very badly behaved and not serious or sincere about anything. in her opinion, boys talk to teachers as if they're talking to their friends. she when on telling them that they need to become gentlemen when they grow up. in her opinion, there are very few gentlemen in today's society so they need to grow up to be gentlemen. she went on an on about this wasting 20 mins of the class. she even had the guts to say that boys should just sit at home and do self study and not waste the teachers time.
and quite naturally, many boys in our class are angered, offended in fact. not all boys are those kinda people that the hindi teacher is talking about. well behaved boys exist and so do badly behaved girls. she's teaching in a co ed school, she really shouldn't be saying things like that. i get where it's coming from, but it's really not fair for us......
but what i am glad about is that we don't have hindi as a subject anymore in 9th grade. so this is my last year of learning hindi. tomorrow is the last day of school for 8th grade, and we don't have hindi class tomorrow. today was the last hindi class ever and i skipped school today so yesterday's hindi class was the last for me. it's over. it's done. I'm relieved. i will never have to listen to that hindi teacher's lectures ever in my life.
but honestly, it's hard to believe 8th grade is nearly over. tomorrow is the last day of actual school. after that we just have exams and then report card day and it's done. i never thought i would be alive till the end of 8th grade but I'm still here. it's been a short academic year compared to all other years (june-march vs. june-april), but it's been an incredibly hard and lonely year, and I've had not even one good teacher, but yeah, I'm still alive.
yeah, I'm trying with the eating. in school it's hard to really focus on eating because we need to eat our food standing (or sitting on the dirty floor if you prefer) and we cant sit in the class. and all this is because of 4 students who did something they shouldn't have. so yeah, i have to eat my food standing and also, i have this classmate i need to talk to because we were friends once upon a time and then everything feel apart and then now she's trying to talk to me again and I'm just talking because i don't want to make her feel bad and yet i will never forgive her for what she did to me.
no, i don't think my mother is packing too much for me. for breakfast, so gives me only a little of whatever she makes and for lunch she just gives two rotis and a little sabzi. that's not too much. but if feels like too much for me because i eat slowly. yeah yeah, I've been trying to finishmy lunch on the bus ride home lately. yeah, eating in the bus is wierd, very wierd because no one else eats their lunch in the bus, but I'll do it anyway because it's better than getting yelled at.
I'm glad your son's birthday went alright and that he enjoyed it. woah, flags sound like quite an interesting hobby. well as for what i like, i did like english as a school subject last year, but i no longer like it because we've had a truly horrible english teacher this year. anyway, that's off topic i guess. i dont think i collect anything though. as for music, i do have a two or three songs i like a listen to often, but that's it. and no, i don't do any art and craft.
well, I'm trying to focus on my mother's good moments, but it's very hard. the bad stuff she says normally affects me more than the good she does, so that's what's on my mind more. for example, today she was mostly nice in the morning but around noon, i did something that annoyed her and that ruined her mood and she yelled at me later and even slapped me on my head while teaching me maths. (and being slapped like that when you're already feeling dizzy feels absolutely terrible).
wow, sunlight sparkling on water does look nice, I'm glad you could enjoy that. as for me, i dunno. i guess the 2 mins in the balcony today were nice. and i laughed a bit during dinner today because my father did something funny, quite silly actually, but still funny.
This is all great stuff. I am going to reply in more detail tomorrow night. I hit a wall of exhaustion at bed time so I am going to wait until I think that I can write coherently. But I will be back tomorrow! @exuberantBlackberry9105
Don't worry about missing posts. It happens and is no big deal. As you could see from last night, sometimes I don't have enough time to answer myself.
The big key in that message is that you survived. You never have to worry about that teacher again and hopefully you will have better ones for 9th grade. You got the work done that you needed to get done to pass the grade. What kinds of things do you like to do during your school break? Are you completely off until June? That is quite a while.
I hope that eating is easier now that you are home and can take your time. I know that I rush to eat sometimes myself.
So what kinds of songs do you like? Do you have more time to listen now that you have a school break?
I know that your mom is hard and I hope that today was a bit better. That you had a better morning with her is a victory though.
I loved the idea of you laughing when your father did something funny. That counts too as a moment to focus upon. I guess my moment to focus on today was probably baking some cookies for an event that I have to go to tomorrow. They were a kind that I had never tried to make before and there was several moments while I was making them where I wasn't sure that they would turn out okay. I was happy when they did. Life is like that a lot of the time - you get surprised when something that looks like it will never come together actually does. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 you can always take some time for yourself, okay? you dont have to read my long posts or get back to me when you're tired. just rest and come to it when you feel like it. ❤️❤️
well, missing posts for me 11 days is quite a big deal. sometimes we dont have time to reply, which is totally okay, but i feel bad when i miss out on posts because you always take so much effort to respond to me consistently, and you don't deserve me not replying to you soon. sometimes it's possible that i get too caught up with stuff and see a post but don't get the time to reply, but if you don't hear from me within 5 days, you can always send another message, because i would probably have missed out.
well, we actually got some pretty bad news yesterday - it's possible we might have hindi in 9th grade and if that's the case, i might have to deal with that hindi teacher again, i dunno. i don't want to have hindi next year, but i hope we get a better teacher if we do have it. but in general, i do hope we had better teachers in 9th grade. am i completely off till june? no way! right now i have exams till 12th march, then we'll have holidays for the rest of march (though we'll have to go to school two days in the middle of the holiday, once to see our papers and once with our parents for report card day). and then we start 9th grade in april and we have school for the whole month of april and then the whole month of may will be summer holidays and then school will start again in june.
what do i like doing during school break? firstly, cupsing a lot, and then other things like organising the hundreds of photos i click, maybe going for a little trip (which honestly isn't very fun because usually my mother gets sick whenever we go somewhere, but it's feels good to go sometimes because it's a change from the boring old at home day), maybe watching a movie or something. but i don't think anything much id going to happen in between 12th march to 31st march because my parents will be busy apartment hunting (our rent agreement had expired and we need to move) and they might take me along when they go somewhere.
honestly, now that I'm at home, eating is ever harder because my mother is constantly complaining that I'm being very slow and that I'm wasting her time and energy by doing this.
i don't really know what kinda songs i like. if i hear something and it sounds nice or has nice lyrics, i like it, or i don't. usually its from people suggesting something for me. like someone suggested a song called hold on by extreme music and i really ended up liking it. i might not agree with all the lyrics, it helps me feel less alone so i like it. but i don't know for how long just a song can really make me keep holding on. well, i don't have school break just yet, i have exams right now hehe.
(sorry I'm not responding to your entire post today, it's getting late and i need to go to bed, but I'll get to the rest of it and your other post tomorrow.)
I think that we have similar guilt for not posting. That is because we are both empathetic. Being empathetic is painful at times but it is ultimately a superpower. We care about others and want to make the world better. You are going to do that someday.
Now I understand your school schedule a bit more. It makes sense that you have a few weeks of exams next. I hope that the studying is going well. I can imagine being home to study more of the day is a bit harder than if you were studying at school due to your mother. Remember that if she seems more off in the next few weeks it may be because she is focusing her tension on your exams. She obviously shouldn't be doing that but sometimes parents try to live through their kids. When you understand that then her outbursts have less power over you.
If you have to take Hindi again then you will figure out a way through it. Right now just focus on the exams right in front of you.
Tell me more about the photos. Do you like collecting pictures? What kinds are your favorites? Do you ever take any? Looking at and taking photos is a great way to focus on you and your immediate surroundings. It can be a way of getting outside of all the conflict with your mom.
I do think going away is excellent. Worry less about how your mom might behave and more about seeing new things. That is always awesome. Apartment hunting can also be a good way to see some new things too, so good luck on that "adventure".
Any song that makes things feel a little brighter is worth listening too. Maybe you can work on creating a nice playlist during your break.
My day was fine. The weather has started getting warmer so it is quite nice to walk outside.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 lets continue talking about what er were talking about on the schoolwork thread on here, okay? I'm replying to that message here so we can continue the convo here.
mmm got it, i agree the 2 mins in the balcony were nice. ooh, I'm glad you could enjoy that orange at breakfast. I'm guessing that was your focus moment, that's really nice.
nope, the stomachache and wednesday's yelling aren't really related. the stomachache was probably period cramps to warn about my period coming later in the day. at that time when my stomach was hurting it kinda felt different from period cramps i dunno why, it felt like a very sharp pain. but maybe it just felt different because it was in the morning and i just woke up. i dont know. but the yelling was because i apparantly did not let her sleep enough last night and neither did i myself sleep enough (which in her opinion was the cause of my stomachache).
yesterday (thursday) was better in terms of yelling, i wasnt yelled at much yesterday and i haven't been yelled at much today (friday) so far as I'm typing this at 11:50 am (yeah on cups at 11:50 am because i skipped school today) but there's still lots of time left to get yelled at. in terms of the stomachache (or rather period cramps) though, things aren't looking too good. its hurting and i dont want to take the meds. though i had to take it yesterday, that too, in the middle of a class (luckily i was able to take it when the teacher stepped out of the class for 2 mins, i couldn't take it while she was in the class because we're not allowed to keep our water bottles in the class, but i break that rule).
one thing i accomplished today so far? well, i wrote 3 pages in the science notebook. ah, i get that your day's been busy, but I'm glad you could still to a little prep. woah, wild turkeys though? haha, sometimes the stuff you teach is a little wierd? lol, i wonder what wild turkeys have to do here. anyway, how's teaching going lately? are your students seeming fine?
I will also reply to this one tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Cramping and periods are never fun. It really can be hard on the stomach. For me it was always a day or so before it hit. I would also get in a much worse mood. Do take the meds. It is much better than waiting for the pain to increase.
I am glad that your science notebook went fairly well. Each thing that you finish is a victory.
My classes are going fine this semester. They were really rough last fall so I am glad that my new classes are good. I had a student who painted a lovely painting for class on Thursday as part of an oral project that she had to do. She then gave it to me so I have a very nice new piece of art for my office. This weekend I am grading letters that students wrote to local government officials to convince them to build more rain gardens in our city. We want to convince them to create spots where the water drains better with plants and rocks. They are doing a nice job overall. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 since i wasnt able to respond to everything the other day, I'll be responding to everything in one big post today because i don't want things to get messy like the last time i responded to messages in parts. this is probably going to be a really long post. take your time, okay?
(responding to the second half of the message that starts with "Don't worry about missing posts. It happens and is no big deal.")
yesterday was actually quite fine with my mother (though the day before was terrible), today's been alright too, so far, that is, I just woke up a bit ago. she's not yelled at me so far. also, yesterday she had to go to her dentist, and my father was at work, which meant I'm got to be alone at home for an hour or so, 2 hrs, actually! i love being alone, it's absolutely wonderful! it makes me feel so free and so good!
haha, glad you like the idea of laughing because my father did something weird. my father can be quite a funny person when he's in that mood. i'm glad you could bake cookies and that they turned out well. "you get surprised when something that looks like it will never come together actually does." i totally agree with that, and sometimes the fear that something wont turn out well actually keeps us from trying it to be honest, but i'm glad you tried baking different kinda cookies.
(responding to your message starting "I think that we have similar guilt for not posting."
i agree we might both be feeling guilty, but you really shouldn't because you were tired and that's not your fault. i do agree that being empathetic and sensitive is really painful sometimes. but it's still a good thing. i know i do care about others, but i have one question on my mind, why do my parents always feel like i don't? can i do anything to change their opinion?
i'm glad you understand. honestly studying isn't going too well, i'm being lazy, but hopefully I'll manage. studying at school? when do we study at school? yeah maybe listening in class might be considered studying, but if you mean exam studying when you say studying, that does not happen at school. that stuff's supposed to be done at home and only at home.
"Remember that if she seems more off in the next few weeks it may be because she is focusing her tension on your exams." woah, i definitely agree. during exams, especially around maths exam, she's always so much more strict and irritated all the time. she needs to realise that she's just keeping me from studying well by doing that, because it hurts and upsets me and when I'm hurting, i cant study well. i guess nobody can.
yeah, i should probably stop thinking about what will happen with hindi next year and just focus on exams now.
well, i take pictures. mostly of plants, sometimes other random things. i used to do it a lot, though i dont really do it much anymore, it's not fun anymore. i have to take them on what is technically my mothers phone (my phone is a very old one, as far as i know it was bought in 2014 and nobody used it until i started using it, and it doesnt have a good camera) and then she looks at the photos i click and i dont like her doing that. also, the fact that I'll have to transfer them from my mother's phone to a pen drive and organise them on the pen drive is very boring. no, it's not a way of getting outside from all the conflict because I'm still in the balcony you know and i can still hear her yelling if she's yelling. so i dont click photos much anymore. i still do take tons of photos when we go out somewhere for a trip, but that's not often. yeah,i do still take photos of plants in the balcony sometimes, but not a lot. but if you want to see a photo or two, you can let me know.
well, the problem with going for a trip is that i refuse to stay somewhere overnight. i insist on going somewhere in the morning and returning home by night. now, this means we cant go somewhere which is a little far away. we can only go to places that are 1 or 2 hrs away, which really limits our options. so a lot of times we go to places we've gone to before, so there's nothing really new to see. while there are lots of nearly places we haven't visited, they are all forts, and it isn't exactly advisable to go to a fort in the summer heat. so we might just go to a place we've been to before, which means there might not be anything new to see.
thanks, i do hope the apartment hunting adventure goes fine.
mmm thats actually a good idea, i can work on a making a playlist of the songs i like during my holidays.
i'm glad your day went fine. ooh i see, how warm is it there? here, it went up to 34°C yesterday, that's pretty hot, i wonder how hot it will be in may. not looking forward to the summer heat. are you enjoying the warmer weather where you live? how do you feel about summer arriving?
(responding to your message starting with "Cramping and periods are never fun.")
i totally agree. they arent fun at all. ah, yes, mood, for me they keep changing within seconds. honestly, letting the pain get worse is actually better than taking the medicine. if i what to take the med, i have to tell my mother that its hurting very much. she might allow me to take it, but then she will go on an on telling me that i need to exercise more and become stronger than the pain because taking meds is bad for our health and meds have side effects. i have listening to all that nonsense, so i just tolerating the pain until i can't anymore.
however, when i have school during my periods, i ask my mother to let me keep one tablet with me just in case i need it. usually, when i ask for it, i end up taking it sometimes through the day. but this saturday (i had school) and i asked to take one tablet and she allowed me, and i didn't really need to take it, so I still have it with me. which means i can take it whenever i need to during my next period, without my mother knowing.
i'm glad your classes are going fine. its amazing to hear that one of your students painted a nice painting for you. ooh, how did grading the letters go? i'm glad they're going well overall. i know as a teacher you feel good when your students do well. i'm curious, will the letters or at least some of them be actually sent or are they just for grades?
I am glad that you had a peaceful day with your mom and got a few hours by yourself. Those kinds of days really are the best in terms of relaxing and being.
It is often the fear of things not turning out that keeps us from trying new things. I am constantly trying to overcome my fears in exactly that way because what I think is going to happen never does.
I can understand that you would like your parents to see your empathy. That is a hard one, especially with your mom. I have a feeling that your dad probably sees it more. I guess that I would probably make it part of my daily (or every other day or once a week) routine to tell your mom that you can see her hard work and her pain. Something like "thanks so much for helping me with my maths today" or "I hope that your dentist appointment wasn't too painful." Could she react to these comments with angry surprise? Yes. But it is a little like wearing her down with kindness like a dripping faucet. If she makes one nasty comment, try again a few days later. Eventually she might let up a bit because it will be harder for her to label you as "ungrateful" or whatever other bad label that she wants to apply.
I am sorry that the studying is a bit of a struggle right now. It will go up and down a bit. But if you keep trying to take mini breaks, praising yourself for what you do get done, and focusing on just a few subjects at a time, you will get there. Your mom is going to make it harder no doubt, but keep doing your best to ignore her.
I love the idea of plant photos. Those are one of the best kind of photos to take. You can always delete them right after if you don't want your mom to see, but it gives you a moment of peace. I would love to see a photo or two. I bet they are quite nice. Do you like plants?
Why don't you like to stay places overnight? Remember what I said earlier about fear of things keeping us from new and better experiences? Don't let fear of travel keep you from its joys. Even if you do go somewhere that you have already been, there is always something new to see. Plants and animals are always changing and you can do close up photos of angles that you didn't see before.
We were at about 24 degrees celsius today which is quite warm for February, but every pleasant. The summer will be much hotter.
I am glad that you have some medication stowed for your next period. That will help.
Yes, my students do need to mail their letters. That is part of their grade. They don't do such things often so that is going to be interesting to see.
My school day today was okay overall. I have quite a bit to do at the moment so I am trying to not be too overwhelmed by the schedule. I guess that my best moment today was a good discussion that Ih had with one class about whether they would like to live on a frontier or in a city and which gave you more freedom. They came up with things that I hadn't thought of before. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i definitely agree that a day when i get to stay alone at home for a while is really nice. i might have some days like that during my holidays after 12th march, that is, if my parents don't take me along all the time when they do to visit a flat.
it's real great that you're trying to overcome that fear. aww what you think is going to happen never does? lucky you! for me, a lot of times what i think might happen does happen. I'm an overthinker, so i have almost everything thought about beforehand, and usually one of the things I've thought about happens. not always, but usually.
haha, i agree that's a hard one. i dunno if my father might see it more, he's quite a mysterious person (plus we dont have much of a relationship with each other) and I'm not good at reading his mind like i can read my mother's mind (to some extent at least). mmm "thanks so much for helping me with my maths today" actually sounds like a nice idea, I'll try saying it. "I hope that your dentist appointment wasn't too painful." that one would be a bit weird to say, especially since i don't exactly know how it would translate in bengali.
to be honest, i guess my mother actually has some idea that i understand other's pain. i remember once in october i guess, we were watching black beauty (1994 movie) and, i started crying uncontrollably seeing the horse's quite miserable life. and then when my grandfather was hospitalised in november, and my mother when there by herself leaving me with my father, she told me "why do you want to see your grandfather, you'll just see him and start crying if you cry when you watch a movie". (by the way, i wasnt exactly interested in seeing my grandfather in that state, so it doesnt bother me that i didnt go, but i hate how my mother has such a problem with me crying while watching a movie.
one thing i have realised, however, is that there is one way i can make my mother feel better about me is by taking her side when she has some kinda disagreement with my father. for example, today, my father came home from work at 10:30 pm. he's really overworking himself right now. and my mother cant eat dinner before she gives him to eat (i dont get the logic) when he came home he's asking me what's up? and because i want to take my mother's side, i said "what's going to be up? why are you so late? you're starving my mother"
honestly though, why am i taking my mother's side when i hate her so much? what am i doing this? I'm sure i would have made my father feel bad and guilty about that. i feel bad for what i did. yeah, i mean i do want him to come home on time and i dont want him to overwork himself because that's bad for his own health. but i dont want to try to discourage him from overworking himself by talking to him like that and making him feel that kind of guilt.
i may have made my mother feel better and validated by talking to my father like that (because wherever i take my mother's side or stand up for her, my mother goes "what a good lawyer i have", which means she's happy with what I'm doing to my father) but i dont intend to hurt my father either. so where on earth do i go? i want my mother to understand that i understand her struggles, and this seems like the only way to do that. but i want to be fair to my father too. just because my mother makes me feel guilty about everything doesnt mean i make others guilty like that. by doing what i did today, i feel like i am passing on what my mother is doing to someone else, and that's unfair.
well, I'm just trying with the studying. I'm not doing very well with it lately. i have an exam on monday and still have lot to study and i have just tomorrow for it.
I'm glad you like the idea of plant photos. but no, i cant just delete them right after. i cant let go the photos i click. actually, i cant let go of anything, it's very difficult. I'd gladly send you a couple of photos, but most of my nice photos are on the pen drive and i cant get on the laptop right now to send them to you. I'll send them tomorrow if i can. well, not all the photos are nice, only half of them are. but of course, only the nice ones get shared, lol. do i like plants? well, are you talking about liking to look at plants and click pics of them? or do you mean taking care of plants and so on?
well, there are lots of reasons why i don't want to stay anywhere overnight. it's going to be a long list and i need to go to bed now so I'll elaborate on this some other day, if that's okay.
woah, it's just 24°C there?! that's really pleasant! here it's getting as high as 35°C, and it's just march. i wonder how hot it'll get here in april and may.
oh, nice, they'll mail the letters then. sounds interesting. I'm sorry you have lots of work do do right now. i am wishing you all the best with it and i hope you can get them done soon. oh, that sounds like an interesting good moment. students can sometimes come up with wierd stuff, haha. anyway, what was your good moment today?
