A Communication Space for Jaeteuk and bestVase7265 only. (Please do not reply or respond, thank you)
I hope this can be a start of support for the long-term for the both of us.
@bestVase7265
I'll be leaving my house Sunday morning. See you in a week!
Take care, Vase~
So sorry that I didn't see either of these messages until now. The other one never appeared in my feed. I hope that you have great trip! You deserve it.
I'm back!
The Cruise was okay. We were lucky that 2 of the 3 ports we stopped at, wasn't raining. We were told, of the 365 days, 300 days is usually raining. When we arrived, the person driving the bus told us they were having the second day with no rain. It only rained a bit at our third port, which is okay, because the town is super small. The downtown area is only like two small blocks of shops. So nothing to see there. I think we only spent like 45 minutes to an hour there, it took longer to wait for a bus than to see the town.
The food on the cruise wasn't that good though.. the food quality, according to my mum, is not as good as Princess Cruises.. we took the Royal Caribbean, as the higher end of cruises, we were expecting better food quality and more variety. Let's just say, there was nothing memorable with the food. The production team for the shows.. the singers weren't that good.. 2 men and 2 women, only one of the guy has better vocal control.. The orchestra was good, so with the shows, I just focused on the music. There was a comedy show on the last night, that was okay.. Did get a few laughs in there.. We also went to listen to a Classical Music duo (piano and violin) a few times.. I liked most.. But their performances were either only 30 minutes long, or 45 minutes long.. But I wished they played more Classical pieces than the movie theme songs.
I'll be attending the first group support session for grief tonight. Actually, after returning from the cruise, I don't feel as affected by the grief anymore.. So, I'm not sure if I need group support.. but, when I asked the friend who suggested it.. she says, it won't hurt to attend.. and they might give me different perspectives in how to deal with it. I think now, I'm more afraid to return to work than to face my grief. Afraid of what colleagues will have to say about my absence since August, also, I wonder if they ended up hiring a second Casual to cover for me. My manager has given until the end of September to be off.. and I really don't know if I am ready to put up with colleagues' comments if I were to return to work in October.. Also, with this group support thing every Tuesday from 7pm - 9pm, that would mean, I won't be able to work the 12-8pm shift on Tuesdays. I did think about asking my Manager if I could do a gradual return.. maybe start off with working for 2 days a week, then, increase it, depending on how I feel at work.
Oh, I also asked my friend if she still needed me to take care of her dog on Thursday and Friday this week.. she said she has a change of plans.. Needs to drive into the interior to pick up her sister and niece over the weekend instead.. so, she says she'll need to make different arrangements for her dog. I just hope we can attend the first group session together tonight, as I've never been to the church that it's held at, I'm not sure if I can find the right room. If she doesn't feel tired physically and mentally today after working, she said I could carpool with her. She did say, she will try and attend the sessions whenever she can.
I'm also waiting for the call from the free counselling sessions community this week.. They called me last week, but I was on the Cruise. The office called me the week before, and I told them I was going to be out of town and will return on the 15th. The clerk said she'd make a note of it and ask the counsellor to call me after the 15th. But, my dad messaged my mum during my Cruise and said they called me. I guess the message was never passed on. Not much communication there!~
I am glad that the cruise was overall good except for the food and entertainment. You came back more relaxed and less in a grief state which is good.
Do see how the grief counseling (group and individual) goes. It might help a bit in general to talk things out even if it is just about how to handle a return to work.
You will figure that out. Remember it is more about the job than about how people react to you. You will do your best. @Jaeteuk
I took a power nap for like an hour.. thinking I should rest a bit before my second group session tonight (leaving my house in less than 10 minutes).. Instead, I ended up getting this horrific nightmare.. where I was trying to call for help as something is pressed on top of my body, but no sounds came from me.. I was at a point where I tried to call for help, as if trying to wake myself up.. It took some effort to wake myself up from it.. and for a few seconds, I couldn't talk and felt like that thing pressed on top of me was still there..
I've had this kind of nightmare before.. I think at least twice in the past..
I am sorry for the horrible nightmare. Hopefully it was a way of the stress leaving your body. May tomorrow be more peaceful. @Jaeteuk
Hello Vase,
First of all, hope you had a great Christmas and New Years!
It's been a few months since we last exchanged messages. A lot has happened with my grieving journey and I just wasn't really in the mood to keep up with Cups as often.
Now that things are slowing coming back into place, I wanted to drop a message to you.
Long story short, I finally got some closure to my Grandma's passing the past month (my family and I went on vacation and stopped by Hong Kong for 5 days), as we visited her grave. Although the time with her spent was short, I said my greetings to her in prayers. We returned home Dec. 29th, was away for 3 weeks (a family vacation - parents and brother, we haven't vacationed as a family for at least 20 years). In the trip, we also attended a funeral (Uncle suddenly passed away from a stroke).
I saw my GP last week, and we decided that I'm ready to return to work, but on a gradual return, so 2-3 days a week. I contacted my Manager the next day and found out she took my absence from work as a Medical Leave. With my request to gradually return to work (GRTW), she asked me to contact the Absence & Disability Department to go through a process. I contacted that department the following day, and got a reply from them at the end of the week (of last week), saying I'll need a doctor's note. The lady gave me like a document, stating what the Doctor's note has to include. So, I tried calling the doctor's office to make an appointment, they were like, for 2 weeks, my GP is working only on Thursdays, and she's fully booked. So, my earliest appointment is January 23rd. She's back to her normal schedule that week, working Mon, Tues, and Thurs. So, now, I'll have to wait another week or so, to get that Doctor's note from her, and send it to that Department upon my request for the GRTW. I'm not entirely sure how it works, and I don't know if they'll end up arranging my work shift during my colleague's vacation, or just random days for the 4 hour shifts. I'm thinking, if I get to choose.. to work only 2 days a week, like for a Mon/Wed or Wed/Fri.. that way, I can keep Tues and Thurs open, in case I need to make doctor appointments. I probably mention to my GP, when she makes up the Doctor's note, to state that I could only work 2 times a week to start off with. So, I'm thinking, maybe I could start working again my February?
I also went on my last counselling session this morning. We recapped my vacation trip, how I'm feeling with my grieving journey, and the current plans on returning to work.. We've decided to take a 2-3 month break. This counselling service is free, and was sent by a referral from my GP. So, my counsellor says, since it's a free service, usually 12-16 sessions. As my last session today (I changed the last session to today, rather than the 28th), she said to take a break, to let other clients use the service. Then, I can ask my GP to send another referral back to her in early April, have my sessions reset, and start over. She's an intern counsellor, so she's doing her clinical practice, and she's with the service until end of June. But she did say, when she's gone, I could continue with my sessions with her Supervisor (who is a regular counsellor at the Community Centre, and like her, also speaks Cantonese).
We went overtime a little bit, and I ended up talking to her a few more minutes on our walk to the front desk. I told her, maybe the next time we meet, we could work on the relationship I have with my mother. At the last minutes of our session, I was telling her, although I was able to spend some quality time with my mother during the trip (my dad and I took turns sleeping in the same Hotel room as her).. but I felt there was still a barrier between us. I told her briefly, that for many years, my mother would always say something negative about me.. whether that me about my life, my personality, my appearance, just everything that relates to me.. and say how bad it is.. Not once, did she ever say I'm good enough.. So, over at least the past decade, almost everyday, with this negativity comments towards me.. It has shattered my self-esteem and self-confidence..
I was looking forward to a new chapter of life this year.. especially having gone through that grieving journey for my Grandma.. But, when I think about myself, my future, things still look gloomy.. I understand the motherly love and her intentions when she tells me those things.. but despite her good intentions, her words are still hurtful, and it still affects me deeply, especially when I'm more of the emotional type of person..
Anyways, that's my update.
How are you doing? Over the past few months, I've seen more and more members creating threads with you in this Pen Pals forum. Hope you have enough time to answer everybody. Makes you so popular.
It is so nice to hear from you. I had wondered what had happened but it is really good to take a break and then come back.
It sounds like you are on much more solid footing. It is great that you got both the vacation and the time to grieve and move forward. You have an excellent plan for returning to work and you have found a counselor who you can work with. It may be a bit before you can see her again, but you are headed in a good direction. I agree that this could be a much better year for you. You are processing stuff really well.
I do work with some people here on Cups but probably less new ones than I used to. It has actually been a really rough fall for me, but I am hoping to get back on track this year. We got hit with two hurricanes in 3 weeks that luckily only caused a multiple day power outage at our house. However, we had many friends who completely lost their homes, we lost our church, my school was heavily damaged and we were online for 6 weeks. Three days after we got electricity back from the hurricanes, my mom who lives 3 hours away broke her kneecap which meant over a week with her until after she had surgery. She is a horrible patient so that was quite stressful. My oldest son moved back in to our house (he is here until late May) and so that has been a challenge with all of his stuff. My dad is declining and was hospitalized twice over the holidays. He is doing a bit better now, but sleeps a great deal. I do think that he won't be with us much longer. And the horrible presidential election on top of all of that has been rough.
But I am taking things a day at a time and focusing on my immediate family and spending time with them. The next semester starts up at the end of month. @Jaeteuk
From the initial hit of the grief, my brain had shutdown.. I totally couldn't think straight and was struggling a lot with short-term memory.. So, keeping up with Cups just didn't work for me.. Up until now, I still have problems with my short-term memory.. For example, I might have thought of a conclusion for a specific problem, but after walking down the stairs, I'll have forgotten what my final thought was.. before, I couldn't even recall it until like a day later.. It's getting better now.. but I feel my brain is still not working normally..
I guess, that's the main reason I wanted to do the GRTW.. Also, I had been afraid of what my colleagues would say about my absence or say hurtful things with my grief (like what 2 of them said to me when I mistakenly continued to work for a couple days after I got the news of my Grandma passing).. But now, just as how I told my counsellor, I'm looking at going back to work as it's more of a need (of income, we spent a lot of money on our trip, since everything booked was nearly last minute).. I'm not sure how I'll react when or if those colleagues continue to say hurtful and disrespectful things to me.. So, I'll have to see how things go..
Ohh.. you live in hurricane zone.. I'm glad you had your windows done, otherwise, you might've had more damage than just power outages.. Is your mom recovering from her surgery still or is she all better now? Damaged church and school too, eh?.. Do they have to be rebuilt or a renovation will do? I'm sorry to hear about your dad, it must be tough with your plates full.
Taking things one day at a time is wise, and yes, focus on just your immediate family and spend time with them.. I hope things will fall in place one by one.. It's difficult juggling everything being thrown at you at once.
@bestVase7265
Don't be waiting for your colleagues to say things that might be disrespectful and hurtful. When you are watching for them it makes them worse. There will be some people who won't understand or won't know what to say. But if you can just say to yourself that you made good choices and they weren't in your shoes (and really can't be) then it will be okay. You are starting to feel better and that is what matters.
My mom is indeed doing better. Both she had my dad are really tired and are dealing with memory loss kinds of things, but they are making it for right now. The church is raising money for rebuilding and school is back in session (if with fewer students but we are trying). I am just going day to day at the moment.
For the next two nights (16th and 17th) I won't be able to be on 7 Cups. We are going to an ice hockey game (my first one and I am not a fan of crowds and noise) and then a concert the night after that. Hopefully it will all go well. @Jaeteuk
How was the ice hockey game and concert?
I had our annual dinner with relatives yesterday too, the 18th. In celebration of my Aunt's birthday and Chinese New Years.. My Aunt always book a table at the same Chinese Restaurant a few months ago for two weeks prior to Chinese New Years.. as set dinners are much cheaper now. She follows the lunar calendar for her birthday, which is the first day of Chinese New Years..
So, I messaged my colleague/friend last night, asked if she'd be interested to join me for dinner for one evening, in celebration of my birthday this week.. She reminded me, her husband's birthday is two days before mine.. I totally forgot about it.. I invited both of them to join me for dinner, on an evening of their choice.. since they both need to work. She hasn't said which day yet, or if she's up for it.. In my mind, I also want to have a meal with them, thanking for being good support to me when my Grandma passed away last year.. Also, she asked me to help her buy a snack from Japan, which I still haven't given her yet.. I've asked her twice, ever since I came back, if we could meet up shortly so I could give it to her.. both times, she was busy. So, I'm hoping she agrees to have dinner together, then, I could give it to her.. I also plan to buy them a little gift of thanks.. My dad has a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, I might decide to go out with them so I can shop for a gift. I haven't really thought of what I could give them as a thank you gift yet.. But, I guess walking around the mall and in the stores would give me a better idea than just thinking about it.
@bestVase7265
Remind me of your birthdate again. You are right that blaming your mom at this point isn't going to really help you here. It is really hard, but I like to try to focus just on my own reaction rather than what they might have said.
You also can't change the past. The best you can do is live in the present and try to plan for the future. Think about the good that happened this year - you got to travel with your family which you hadn't done in a long time. It helped you to start to heal from the bad. So you grew. That means that the year ultimately was a successful one.
Maybe you can come up with a few simple things that you want to accomplish in the coming year.
I just turned 38.. You know, every time I feel that I'm full of confidence or I'm feeling good about myself, my mum always end up saying something to me that brings me back down or doubt myself.. it's frustrating, and I hate it..
Hmm.. let me think about what I can do this year..
@bestVase7265
But you know that your mom is wrong, right?? Whatever she says is a poor over-generalization by someone who views things from a past generation, not the current one. She is trying to make you fit in her mold rather than letting you exist in your own. This is a great issue to work on with a therapist.
You are enough. You always have been. Your mother saying something different doesn't change that.
Come up with some small goals for this year. It will help. @Jaeteuk
Yes, this is definitely what I'd like to work on with my counsellor for sure.. During the day, when I'm in my computer room, I can sometimes hear her talking bad things about me under her breath in the kitchen, or I could hear her mumbling something negative about me to my dad or brother.. which she probably thinks I can't hear her..
It's just very upsetting.. I don't like how she's always like, "I only say those things and criticize you because we love you, if we didn't care, we wouldn't say anything, but we're a family and only family members will truly care about you and love you".. to me, it seems like an excuse to think less of me.. Almost like wishing it's reverse psychology.. that saying all those negative things will make me want to make things better.. Instead, it just makes me feel less worthy than I am.. or that there's something wrong with me..
Just thinking about it now upsets me and brings my mood down..
I still haven't heard from my workplace yet, in regards to gradually returning to work.. Hope I could start working next week or the following week..
So, starting February 1st, my parents want to start the "cooking our own meals" again.. So, in the next few days, I'll have to check my recipes and go out for groceries.. then, she goes on saying, that it's not healthy for me to cook a week's worth of food (when I need to work and bring a dinner).. But seriously, working a late shift 12-8pm, unless I wake up early in the morning and cook a meal every other day to bring as dinner.. otherwise, cooking a week's worth of food makes more sense, no? I used to cook 5 days worth of meat and rice, then freeze it.. And working that shift, I usually end up eating a brunch, so if I have to cook both meals.. that's all I'll be doing all morning.. So, I haven't figured out what to bring for dinner when I'm back to work for normal hours.. I did think about going to my favourite Korean restaurant after work on Fridays.. since, the employee at the restaurant changed her working hours to Fridays and Saturdays evenings.. Visit her.. and as my comfort food, eating it once a week seems reasonable, right?
@bestVase7265
Yes love is definitely not telling you what to do. It makes your mom feel like she is doing something rather than actually helping by supporting you and your decisions without question. That is what you really need. Therapy can really help you either ignore your mom's voice or find a way to tell her to stop permanently. You can tell her that you can hear her when she mutters under her breath. But that takes time and courage. It would be a great thing to work on this year.
I hope that you hear about the job times soon. It will help your mind to have a schedule. I think your food plan sounds awesome. Why not make meals for a week? It will keep your sleep schedule better and food is just as good if you freeze it in terms of being healthy. Again, your mom isn't living inside your schedule and can't understand. So do it your way and be sure to treat yourself like you are planning. @Jaeteuk
Telling her would definitely take courage and skill, so that I don't hurt her feelings and yet can get her to stop..
Still no email from work yet.. I'm going to need to go out for groceries tomorrow.. plan to go early in the morning.. lesser people.. Mainly because it's going to be pouring rain on Thursday, and may snow starting Friday night and through the weekend.. Since we start cooking our own meals February 1st, need to buy enough food for when it snows.. I can finally use the recipe book I bought a couple of years ago.. (it's written by one of my favourite Korean idol).. Recipes made by him.. I can try making them myself now.. That's the thing, when asked to make our own food, I always resort to making Korean cuisines.. Love Korean food, my comfort food, whether I'm eating at a restaurant or making my own.. brings me joy and a smile on my face.
She thinks it's not healthy and boring, when I cooked a week's worth of food to bring to work as dinner.. As it's like one dish for one week.. Sometimes I'll alternate.. make two dishes (for example, one beef and one chicken).. So, eat beef Mon/Wed/Fri.. and chicken for Tues/Thurs.. I usually cook it up on a Sunday..
So, I'll have to see how things go when I return to work regularly again.. For now, I'm thinking, working the 4-hour shifts.. I won't have a meal break.. just one 15-min coffee break.. so, I'll probably either end up eating at home.. or grabbing a simple bite outside before going home.. I'll see..
@bestVase7265
Sorry that I missed a day. Last night was a little crazy.
You will find a way eventually to talk to your mom. It can be really simple. "Mom, I can hear you talking and it hurts my feelings." All you have done with that statement is say your reaction to words she is saying. You aren't accusing her of being evil or anything. Sometimes people just need to know that their words have an impact.
I would also ignore her on the food front. If you are good eating one thing multiple times there is nothing wrong with that. If it makes her bored then that's just her. We eat leftovers almost every other night in my house. Now if you were eating something really not healthy for weeks on end that might be a problem, but you aren't. I love the idea of the Korean food. Eat what makes you smile, especially if it comes from a cookbook you want to try. That's great!
I hope that you hear from work soon! @Jaeteuk
So, like we've decided, since February 1st.. we've been cooking our own dinners.. Before it started snowing here, I went for a grocery run, bought enough meat to last me for a week.. I've been taking pictures of my dinners the past 4 nights.. Let's just say, every time I've cooked up something, my dad stares at it for a few seconds.. (except tonight, because my parents have plans with their friends, left the house before noon).. I've been cooking up something different each day, all following that recipe book I mentioned earlier. Last night, my mum says that they want to alternate weekends, that we cook for the family.. she asked me to choose the most yummy recipe I've made so far, and cook for the family.. that we'd take turns over the weekend to cook for each other.. I'm the first in the family to finish cooking my meal, that way, it's not like all four of us are standing in the kitchen.. we have an island, but cooking space, where we can chop our ingredients, there's not much room to stand around.. so, we need to cook at different times.. My brother is always the latest, as his work always ends late (still working from home, only need to go into the office 2 times a week).
With mum's idea of cooking our own dinners.. her and dad want to follow a different diet plan.. which is eating a heavier lunch, and having a light dinner.. so, nothing too crazy and fancy for their dinners.. like last night, they just grilled some fish, had some potato salad, and some greens.. Maybe that's why my dad stares at my food.. heheh.. because they are eating more plain and bland flavours.. and here I am, making a new dish each night.. tempting my dad with my food.. heheh.. So, if then end up eating around the same time.. I'd give them each a spoonful of my dish.
My dad and I shovelled one side of the our driveway, the stairs, and the sidewalk yesterday.. last night, we got another 4 inches of snow.. and since my parents need to go out to their friends' for the day, when I woke up around 10am this morning, I went to shovel the snow again.. My dad just pushed the snow to the bottom of the driveway, and I moved it over the pile I created yesterday.. My dad get's out of breath if he's the one that moves the snow to the pile.. and he can only push the snow down the driveway (as it's still light).. if he uses too much strength, he'll complain that he'll be short of breath.. So, once he's done pushing the snow.. I repeatedly told him to stop shovelling the snow (he wanted to shovel the snow on other side of the driveway, where my brother has his car, but I said there's no point, as he doesn't not have snow tires)..
Since we have 3 cars.. my car is placed in the underground parking of one of my parent's friend's condo.. He has a free spot, as his daughter's car is still being imported.. so he has a free space (Uncle's daughter married late last year, and has moved out, so her parking space is empty).. He offered my parents that we could leave one of our cars in the spot during the snowstorm, so, we chose my car. He's letting another church person park in the spot from February 14th and onwards.. So when the time comes to free up the spot for the church person.. by then, if it's still snowing, with the snow tires, at least, we'd be able to get home.. As our home is uphill from that Uncle's place.
So, I finally emailed the workplace for an update on my return to work status.. I ended up getting a reply almost instantly, saying that I'm nearing the top of the queue, and said someone would contact me soon.. I guess there's a waitlist.. lolz.. But, I think I'm aiming to start the gradual return to work by February 18th, 17th is a regional holiday for us.. Since my doctor says to do the GRTW for 4 weeks.. starting by the 18th, would give me the 4 weeks before I'm back working full shifts for March 17th.
For the past few days, I discovered a light patch of skin by my left eyebrow that is itchy.. At first, I thought it was just an allergic reaction to the shampoo.. but, when I did some research online.. it says it's some form of eczema.. I have a prescription lotion for it.. according to the online info, if it doesn't get better in one week while applying the lotion, or the area gets bigger.. then, I should go see a doctor.. So, the earliest appointment I could book for is February 13th.. My mum says, I should book it now.. and if it gets better by then, I could always cancel my appointment.. but I figured, if by then the patch is gone.. I wouldn't cancel my appointment, as I have other concerns I'd like to address with my doctor too..
My IBS has been acting up lately (the past couple of weeks).. I think it could be from the stresses of thinking of returning to work soon.. It doesn't matter what I eat.. What I don't like about it the most is the diarrhea.. I would also like to ask my doctor to give me a blood test requisition to check if I'm having another episode of the diverticulitis.. As I saw that it causes diarrhea too.. and although I'm not experiencing the same type of pain as last year's acute diverticulitis incident, I still have little bursts of pain in the same area once in a while.. I remember last year, because it's an acute case, there was a specific protein that the numbers were high in.. and apparently, it came with a slight fever and increased heart rate/blood pressure.. Since the pain is not constant like before, then, at least, it's not the acute form.. But, I heard that once you have an acute case, recurrence will be higher.. I've been watching what I eat.. Like, I stopped eating oatmeal with chia & hemp seeds.. or any fruit with small seeds.. but, I don't think I'll be able to get a blood test and results before I return to work.. maybe I could get it done during the GRTW weeks.. that way, if anything needs to be done if the results come back positive.. then, I would still have time to deal with it before regular work shifts start in March..
