A Communication Space for Jaeteuk and bestVase7265 only. (Please do not reply or respond, thank you)
I hope this can be a start of support for the long-term for the both of us.
@bestVase7265
Received a message from my mum 5pm, our time.. HK time is Wednesday morning 8am.. said Grandma passed away last night..
I went to speak with my Manager at the beginning of my shift on Tuesday. Telling her it was difficult for me to work the week after knowing Grandma had a heart attack. Told her I'll need to take time off if Grandma passes. I spoke with my Manager around 1pm. Sent her a message of my Grandma passing and that I'll take the rest of the week off. I even left an hour earlier tonight.
My mind was overloaded with emotions upon receiving the news from my mum. My brain started to shut down.
Of the limited childhood memories I have, I remember vividly the times I've spent with Grandma.. both when I was younger and still lived in HK, and the time Grandma came to visit us in Canada. We even took her to Disneyland along with my Aunt who lives in the States. Back then, she lived in Florida, so we went to the Disneyland there.
I got home and had some alcohol.. I'm totally saddened..
I'm glad my mum made it back in time to be with her mum in the last moments. My mum might be busy with helping out with the funeral.. so, when I get the chance to talk to her.. I'll ask if she needs our help.. even if it means to transfer some extra funds or anything we can do overseas for her and Grandma.
The first few hours and days after you find out a loved one has passed are hard. I am so sorry that it has been a struggle for you.
Grief often comes in unknown waves, but you are doing the best that you can to manage them by focusing on getting a break from your normal routine and the good memories of being with your grandma. It is also great that your mom was able to get there in time to say goodbye.
So you take the next bit a day at a time. You are strong and will find a path through. Know that I will be thinking of you often and sending peace. @Jaeteuk
Thank you. I'm feeling the grief differently than I imagined.. her passing seemed so sudden, and yet, it was almost expected.. especially with the low saturation levels the past weekend.. but my mum had told me she's otherwise healthy.. So, apparently she passed in peace, and it was from old age (she's 95), and not because of the heart attack.. Which is a relief, my mum said all the siblings were at her bedside.
My heart feels heavy.. I still haven't been able to have a good cry.. Just getting teary thinking back to memories with her..
I'm going over to that friend's place on Friday.. she has a puppy, I asked if I could spend time with Timmy as dog therapy.. She agreed, and said I could stay for as long as I want/need.
I'm not sure if I can return to work on Monday.. taking it one day at a time.. But I'm sure my Manager will understand if I need more time off..
@bestVase7265
Death can be both sudden and expected. In fact, it usually is. There is a solid inkling that things are going to happen but part of your brain doesn't really believe it.
The cry will come when it is supposed to but when that will be is also unclear. Grief is weird that way.
Going to see the dog sounds great. It can really help to touch something soft.
If at all possible, I would go back to work on Monday. Another thing that really helps is getting out of the house and back moving again. Healing actually happens in part while you are working because it work allows your brain to imagine the new future better. @Jaeteuk
Ok, I understand. I think that you will deal with your colleagues just fine though. Focus on the work rather than the people. You are also allowed to be sad and get a little emotional at times. We all do that.
I had a 53mins chat with my mum when she woke up in the morning. She told me the process of Grandma leaving, and how her and her sisters will be meeting someone in the funeral home to see when Grandma can be cremated. My eldest Aunt has left a spot for Grandma beside Grandpa, so they will reunite afterwards.
My mum told me how she's been coping and asked me to try some things. But, I think I'll take one more week off before I return to work. Next week is a short 4-day week, as Monday is a Holiday. I need time to process what my mum has told me, and I will return to work the following week. Which is nice because after that week, I'm off the week of Aug. 19th.. I need to fix my sleep too.
@bestVase7265
Ok, if you are going to be off, be sure to do other things besides just being at home. Get outside some and walk. Spending lots of time alone processing can make the grief healing process take longer. @Jaeteuk
So, I was able to sleep better after that phone call with my mum, which is nice. Not waking up around 4am anymore. But I think that I'll still be anxious and a little moody until Grandma has reunited with Grandpa. Her funeral/memorial is set for Aug. 17/18th. Today, I texted my mum of the message I wanted to leave for Grandma, then, my dad suggested I mail my own card with the message. So, I went out late afternoon to inquire about the delivery, and with express post, it still takes 6 business days, so it won't arrive in time. The other problem is that upon arrival, it usually needs to be signed, but you know how HK is.. they are all like apartment buildings, and many people aren't home during the day to receive parcels.
So, the only other way is that my mum will buy the card there, write the message on my behalf, and put it with Grandma, either by the flowers or the enclosure cubicle where her and Grandpa will be.
So, I went out today, even went to my favorite Korean restaurant for dinner before coming home. It was a nice "me" time.. Eating my favorite cuisine, my favorite dish.. (My brother was home, I didn't invite him because he said he was having a headache when I left the house). The only thing is, when I was leaving the mall, passing by the outer entrance of a store, I actually bumped into a colleague (nurse) as she was on the way out into the parking lot. So her husband kept walking to the car, and she stopped and chatted.
This morning, I received an email from the OR Front Desk lady, saying that I didn't call through the Absence Reporting System for my days away this week. Which would mean that it's a no-show. But I replied saying, "I have the email confirmation from the System saying that I had called. I called the System on Saturday, so the notification might have been missed in your emails. (She had cc'd the email to me, my Manager, and the Program Clerk, I sent the reply to All) I would forward the confirmation email as proof, but it doesn't allow me to do so. But I did call through the Reporting System, and left the voice message indicating that." After about an hour, the Program Clerk replies and says that she does have my record. Said because I chose "Other" as the reason that it will be unpaid. I replied to her only, that, "As a Casual, the only leave I get paid is the 5 sick days per year, which I believe I've used up this year already. I've verified with my Union Rep that there are no other type of leaves for a Casual that is paid. I only chose "Other" because I don't know what else to choose as the reason for grieving."
So, I guess because the OR Desk lady thinks that I didn't call through the System, she must've told all the colleagues about my absence for the week. So, with this nurse I bumped into, she was like, "So I heard you've called in sick this week.".. So, I just told her my Grandma passed away and I needed time off to grieve. It was easier to tell her, as we're both Chinese, so we spoke Cantonese. She seemed to be more understanding, when I told her that I couldn't afford the flight and accommodation back to HK to attend the funeral, as it's super expensive at the moment, and it'll be like a last minute booking. I told her I needed time off to grieve. I said I'll return to work next week, as I can't afford to take more time off. So, we parted ways with "See you next week then".
I'm just texting my other nurse colleague/friend (the one I helped watch over her dog before, I went to spend time with her dog for one morning last Friday too. I asked her last Wednesday, if I could go over to her place either Thursday or Friday to spend time with her dog, to treat it as dog therapy. She said she's free on Friday, so I spend my morning there. From 7:30am to 12:30pm, she prepared a simple lunch for me, and I walked with her to the vet to get her puppy some medication, before parting ways. I did park my car at her place, but I had to buy something myself first. When I returned to get my car, I saw her and her son, and puppy about a block's distance in front of me. I saw them enter her building), telling her I bumped into a nurse at the mall. She asked me how I felt when I was asked about my absence. So, I said it felt okay, since we're both Chinese, I felt it was easier for her to understand my situation as a granddaughter. So this friend suggested that when I return to work on Monday, to see how things go. If I'm still feeling that I'm not ready to work yet, then, I can continue to call in sick. As she says the time of grieving is different for everybody, that there is no set time frame of how long one person needs to grieve for. She says to take it one day at a time.
So, I think I'll see how it goes on Monday when I return to work. I'll try and mentally prepare myself over the next few days, and see what happens when I return to work on Monday. If I still feel emotionally unstable or too overwhelmed, then, I might have to continue to taking more days off.
My brother went into the office this morning, so I was able to have some me time at home, playing on my piano for a couple of hours. Which was nice, it's been a long time since I've played. Especially since COVID, with my brother remotely working at home, I can't play it during the day when I'm not working, because he's upstairs having meetings. The piano will be too noisy. So, he is to go into the office again tomorrow (Friday), which then, will give me time in the mornings again to play. I should've thought of this earlier when I first heard the news of Grandma passing. But, even so, my brother didn't take time off, I still wouldn't have been able to play at home while he's working anyways. It's a good "me" time to spend, my piano is right by the front door, where there are glass windows (from the floor up), so I'm getting sunlight as I sit on the piano chair, but at the same time, not having the sun shine directly on my piano itself.
I'd better get ready for sleep now.. it's almost 10pm here. I didn't sleep well last night, I'm thinking maybe my bedroom was to hot.. although I have the fan turned on.. I couldn't sleep until after 3am.. then, my alarm was first set for 6:45am, because the night before, my brother told me that he'll be leaving for work early, and he doesn't want to take the garbage out that early. In case of bears roaming around the neighborhood. Then, I received a text message from him just past 7am, saying that when he went out, he say some houses already have the garbage and recycling out on the curb, so, he said he'll take it out instead. Which I then thanked him, and I went back to sleep until 9am. Otherwise, I had planned to go back to sleep after taking the garbage out. But since he could, I just went back to sleep. I should've taken a nap today, but I kept myself busy with my business, so by the time I realized I should take it nap, it was almost 4pm. That's when my mum messaged me about buying my own card..
It's quite interesting though, my fingers have that muscle memory. Even when I haven't played the song for years, I can still remember through the muscle memory which notes to play. So at first, I often lose my place on the score sheet, because my fingers move out of memory, and not entirely by reading the music. But, after about an hour, I got used to it again.. and it became smoother and smoother. There's like only 3 songs that I remember how to play. 2 of which is of Chinese Pop music, old songs.. and 1 song is from the Piano Level 10 book. At least, I can have another go at it tomorrow morning. Hope it gets better, maybe I can try a new song.
I am glad that you are starting to sleep a little better. You are working through the grief well. Having comfort Korean food, playing the piano and getting some time to pet the dog is awesome. The piano sounds especially awesome.
I think sending your mom your message and having her write it on a card is just fine. Your words are what is most important.
Sorry for the work mix-up. Sometimes people just don't quite understand and want you to jump through hoops that you have already jumped through. You reported everything just fine and I think most people ended up understanding.
I do think that you will find that you are ready to return on Monday. Until then, play the piano when you can and keep looking to get some rest.
I am going to get some rest now too. Today was one of my most exhausting days in a long time. Hopefully that will mean a very good night's sleep. @Jaeteuk
Are you preparing for the start of another school year by now?
One of the staff/colleague on my team messaged me this morning, asking if I ask coming to work next week. My response was: "Yes, I will return to work on Monday. Sorry for being absent, I know it must've been difficult for everybody along with those away on vacation. My Grandma passed away suddenly, and I needed time to grieve. I will return to work on Monday and see how things go. If I cannot control my emotions, I'll probably need more time off."
Her response, was quite disheartening.. no words of comfort or anything.. her response was: "👍 rest up n see u then"
What kind of response is that? At least with my message, I tried to be apologetic and considerate in a way that I acknowledged their hard work through the time I was absent, and knowing there are other staff on the team on vacation. Then, gave her an explanation that I had been grieving.. then, she responds with a thumbs up and tell me to rest up? I felt more angry with her response.. even if she wrote a simple "okay", I would've felt neutral. But, to not say anything of comfort and tell me to rest up and see me then.. to me, it sounds like a very selfish thought. Like, to her, the only important thing is I return to work (which probably means she won't have to do anymore Overtime).. To me, it sounded like, she doesn't care I needed time off to grieve for my loss.. A disheartening response from her indeed.. Or I'm just being sensitive and overthinking it.
@bestVase7265
I think that I am going to go with overthinking it. I am going to put myself in the shoes of the person who text messaged you for a moment - Could they have been rushing and they didn't have the time to respond? Do they have a different understanding of the thumbs up sign than you? Perhaps to them it is shorthand for "ok". I could totally see that. They also accepted your need for rest and they welcomed you back when you were ready to return. They could have very well seen it as the neutral response that you wanted. Always remember that people think less about what they are writing than they used to.
I did indeed start my semester yesterday and today so I am still really exhausted. We also moved my son into college. It has been an emotional week. @Jaeteuk
There's something going on with my body. Had a nosebleed two days in a row. Will try and see if I can book an appointment with my GP on Monday. She's usually fully-booked for weeks on end.. but maybe there are other locums available. Will have to check it out Monday morning, book online.
Saturday's nosebleed was very light. I got out of the shower in the afternoon, as I was drying off my body, a corner of my towel had blood on it. I panicked for a few minutes. Looking all over my body in the mirror to see where the blood was from, checked the other towel I use to dry my hair, saw some pink stains on it. So thought it was my head, maybe I was using too much force massaging my head and scraped my scalp somewhere. Then, I cleared the foggy mirror, put my glasses back on and looked in the mirror. And saw my right nostril had traces of dry blood. So, it must've been a very light nosebleed. As I didn't notice it dripping into the bathtub when I was in the shower. And the wiping of the towel must've just picked up the blood and it dried.
But tonight's nosebleed was more severe. When I finished brushing my teeth, I felt my right nostril a bit itchy, I softly rubbed it with my towel.. then it led to a nosebleed. I used my left hand to put pressure on the bridge, and blood was trickling down my chin, my hand and dripping into the sink. I took a step over to where our toilet roll was, so, I got a drip of blood on the carpet. I called out to my brother, as he was nearby folding his laundry. And he went downstairs to grab me a roll of paper towel. The roll from the kitchen only had a couple left, so I told him to grab a new roll from the basement washroom and to also bring me an ice pack. I heard from a colleague saying that while having a nosebleed, aside from the pressure, having an ice pack on our forehead stops the bleeding quicker. So, I sat on top of the toilet cover, left hand applying pressure, right hand with the ice pack on my forehead. I just sat there for maybe like 10 minutes, just to be sure the bleeding has stopped completely before getting up and cleaning my face, the sink, and washing my hands.
My brother thinks maybe it's just the dryness in the house.. but when I told my mum about the nosebleed yesterday, she said to make an appointment with my GP if I get another nosebleed.
I didn't think it will happen a second time so soon. My brother also asked me if I felt dizzy or something. Come to think of it, when I woke up yesterday, I did feel a bit lightheaded, so I quickly sat back down on my bed. But the moment passed quickly. But I had the shower in the afternoon.. so.. maybe because a sneezed a couple times in the morning.. and the lining in my right nostril is thin, so my nosebleeds are always from the right side.
A sign that I'm not ready to return to work tomorrow?
I am not sure. I think that the dryness in the house is a good theory. If you got a third or fourth nosebleed I might start to get concerned. Neither of the nosebleeds were particularly long. When you can't get it to stop that is also more problematic.
Sometimes the emotional stuff we are experiencing (like your grief) leads to temporary physical stuff.
Sending peace and hope that today was better. @Jaeteuk
Spoke with my Manager, and she has given me time off until Aug. 30th. Then, I'll keep her updated on my situation.. I did mention that I hope to return to work before the end of the year..
I'm just too sad to focus at work, and colleagues aren't very kind with their words towards me. So, remember that colleague/friend I have that has a puppy? I went over to her place again last Thursday, spend like half a day with her and her family.. was there from 11am - 7pm. She suggested that we could join a support group (she lost her father 4 years ago and is still grieving), called GriefShare.. that is held at her church. I asked her, if it's a religious thing, and she says no. So, I've signed up for it, but it doesn't start until Sept. 17th.. and runs until Dec. 17th, once a week, every Tuesday, from 7pm - 9pm.
In the meantime, my brother suggests I look for a counsellor.. Asked my mum about her thoughts, she agrees. So, I found a place close to home, just down the hill, a 10-15mins drive away. So, I filled out the questionnaire online, and have booked for a phone-call consultation for this Thursday morning. So, I'll see where that takes me.. See if I can meet with someone right away..
I haven't been sleeping well, waking up at 4am every day, no matter what time I fell asleep.. Sometimes, woken from nightmares.. the other day, I took a nap in the afternoon, woken up from a nightmare, with a dog attacking me.. jumped at me, I fell back on the sofa, using all my strength to push his growling face away from me.. it was my brother's dog, so, I called out to my brother to come rescue me..
Overall, just feeling too sad to do anything.. let alone, go to work and be able to concentrate.. Not having the best appetite.. but when my brother works in the office, I've been playing on my piano for a couple of hours again.. I can't say it helps a whole lot, because I notice, I still continue to frown..
I just want to sleep all day.
I am so glad that you are looking at the counseling. It sounds like you could really use it right now. Grief can hit really hard sometimes.
Until that appointment happens, focus on the basics. You have to eat and you have to drink liquids. Without those your brain doesn't have the energy to fight back against the grief. Even if the food is tasteless, make yourself eat it anyway.
Take showers regularly and if you can get outside to walk or even sit by a window and and watch the outside then do that too.
Sending peace. You are going to get through to the other side of this.@Jaeteuk
Not much of the appetite, so, just snacking throughout the day rather than eating full meals. Getting lots of water, tea, and coffee in me.
I'm planning to go to the mall tomorrow when it opens.. need to buy a gift. And depending on how I feel, energy-wise, I might eat something before going home. Depends.
Thank you, @bestVase7265
Good to get out to the mall so that you can see and experience something different. I will continue to harp on the eating thing - keep trying. It will help you feel better even though your brain tells you otherwise.
Sending lots of strength and peace.@Jaeteuk
Went to the mall today after my phone-call consultation. I got myself a first appointment, counsellor is available as early as tomorrow, Friday, Aug. 23rd. During the consult, I was asked what I wanted to work on aside from getting grief counselling. I was like, I honestly don't know what's going on at the moment.. so, I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get from counselling.
The mall was busy as usual, the only mall we have in town. But I still got a good parking spot, off to the side and away from the main traffic. Was able to buy everything I needed.. did try to shop for clothes and shoes.. but, everything was very pricey.. and nothing caught my eye.. So, there goes that idea of getting new clothes.. Maybe I'll wait until my parents come home, then, try and go clothes shopping with my mum.. she has better taste in clothes. As she says mine is too old-fashioned and not my age.
Tomorrow, will be a busy day.. I need to follow my brother early in the morning, as he needs to drop off his car for some break changes.. He most likely will need to leave it at the garage for the day.. So, I gotta follow him in my car, so I can drive him home.. We might have to go early, the place opens at 8am.. So, that I can be home in time to attend Cups Support Session by 9:30am. He was like, maybe we could go to A&W for breakfast.. I'm thinking, probably only possible if we order it as take-out. Otherwise the drive back and forth will take at least half an hour, depending on traffic. Luckily it's a very simple route, not many turns and is basically a straight road. Then, I'll see if I can drop by my friend's place to give her the badminton racket I have for her son before my appointment. At first, I was planning to ask my brother to see if we have any old rackets we could give him, but brother says ours were probably all thrown out. Then, I asked if he could ask his friend who plays a lot to see if he could spare a second-hand racket. Brother says, because his friend plays competitively, he buys the extremely expensive ones, then, play it until it breaks. Then, go get new strings pulled. So, he wouldn't have any to give away. So, I just went to the store, and bought a new racket. My brother was saying, even the cheapest brand named rackets nowadays, are already better quality than the ones we used to have. So, I went and bought one instead. The friend has provided so much for me, when she allowed me to spend time at her place.. Her husband would often bring food home as he got off from work early, and included my share. And my friend will have snacks for me, so, to buy her son a new badminton racket seems okay. Have to give something back, right?
I'll probably have to arrive a bit earlier to park at the mall, and cross the street over to the clinic. It's in a strip mall, but they have very limited free parking spaces. So, I think it's best I park at the mall, and walk over. The good thing with parking at the mall, I can park on the far end, cut through the mall, and out the other way, and I'm good to park for 4 hours. Maybe I'll just buy some bread after the appointment, so it won't be like I'm just using their parking spot for my own convenience.
The counselling sessions are more pricey than I thought.. Each session is 50 minutes long, $160 each. With a price increase starting Sept. 17th, to $170 plus tax. That's like almost $200/session. My brother was telling me, he was reading some books, saying that there are like 5 different tactics to deal with grief.. so, he thinks, maybe the counsellor will identify which one works for me and have me apply it in my everyday life.
My brother says his car probably won't be ready until end of the day.. as the mechanic doesn't have time before noon to work on his car, but said we can drop it off earlier in the day, and they could get to it whenever. I'll see if my friend is free.. I could either drop by with the racket before my appointment, or after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be honest though, I feel that this counselling thing is too soon. I'm only 3 weeks into the grieving, and I feel that my brother is trying to get me to get counselling, as if, he wants me to find ways to get over it. So that I can return to my regular self and return to work. So, I don't know if I'm making the right move.. And like I said, I'd rather attend that Group Grief Support I signed up for instead, than going one-on-one with a counsellor. But since that doesn't start until like the 3rd week of September, my brother wants me to get "help" sooner than later. But, is "help" really what I need to process my grief at this moment? That, I don't know.
@bestVase7265
I would start with the grief counseling now. You are unable to work so that means your grief is bad enough that it is disabling. Anything that disables you deserves immediate attention even if it is expensive. You don't have to necessarily go for long.
I know the idea of counseling is frightening so you are trying to back away, but you only need to worry about it one appointment at a time.
I can imagine that clothes shopping is nearly impossible in your state. You mistrust yourself so nothing is going to look right. But your mom's voice over your clothes is also wrong. You should dress as you would like. I know my mom made me feel like I was her Barbie doll when I was little. It took me decades before I could say to myself that I deserved to choose and my choices were right for me.
Good luck with your busy day. The badminton racket sounds perfect.
So, I had my first appointment with the counsellor. As most first appointments, I did I a lot talking, talking about my grieving process. How it's prevented me from working. Talked about everything that has happened. The three days at work, what colleagues said to me, to have a friend/colleague who welcomed me to her place to spend with her puppy to treat it like dog therapy, talked about how my parents have been in Hong Kong since the day my Grandma passed away, talked about how it seems I'm the only family member that has been grieving for the loss, all the sadness, and regret I feel.
The counsellor posed two questions for me throughout the session. First was with the Grief, she asked me to take away all the judgments others have made about my grieving, and asked what is Grief itself trying to tell me. The second question was near the end of our session, she asked about my Sadness in the same way. Because it seems that sadness was all I could feel since Grandma passed, I ended up shedding tears.. My first time being able to release the sadness through tears since Grandma passed away.. So, I guess that's a good start with the counselling. She was able to guide me through the thoughts with Grief.
Her schedule is fairly full, so, we booked 2 more appointments ahead of time.. which will be every other week. So, I don't see her until 2 weeks later.
A couple of days ago, my mum asked me if my Passport was still valid. She says maybe the two of us can go on a Cruise upon her return, before her and dad's cruise that starts Sept. 20th. So, she ended up booking an Alaskan (Sept. 8th -15th) cruise with me. Just the two of us. As family, they want me to get back to regular routine in life, so, my mum thinks that a vacation, leaving the house, the city, will help break the cycle of feeling the grief. So, with this trip, it will be a mother-daughter bonding time.
To be honest, the past few weeks, being in different countries, the times I've spoken to my mum on the phone, and the content that we talked about.. In my lifetime, it has probably been the most I've talked with my mum and with heartfelt discussions. So, I think with this trip, that bond, our relationship will grow stronger. I'm looking forward to that part of the trip, and maybe when it's just the two of us.. we can discuss more about Grandma and my grief.
In the middle of this week, I'll email my Manager again, to let her know that I'm still unable to function, so most likely won't be able to work that first week of September. To make it sound like I do want to work, but my grief is not allowing me to concentrate. Then, as prescheduled, I work again Sept. 16th, the day after I return from the Cruise. But I guess, if during my trip, I feel I'm still not ready to return to work yet, I'll need to inform my Manager again..
I think I'll discuss with my mum about work during our trip. Although I like the work, the colleagues on my team are not very good people.. so, maybe I should just quit, and put my full focus on my online business and earn my own income from that instead. We'll see. My parents are back this Friday.
@bestVase7265
All of that sounds very positive.
I am glad that the counseling has already started your journey of healing. She sounded like a great person to work with and she is asking the right questions and giving the right responses.
I also love the idea of a cruise with your mom. You really haven't talked about getting away in all the time I have been chatting with you. It really does allow a wonderful reset and will be a great chance to get to know your mom better.
Worry about whether you can go back to work or not later. Focus on the healing and the trip for now.@Jaeteuk
Come to think of it, you're right. We've been chatting here for more than a year, and it is my first time talking about going away for vacation. I think if my parents didn't have their cruise on Sept. 20th, we could've waited until end of September - early October for the cruises down to LA instead.. That way, we could stay at my Aunt's place after the cruise for a couple of weeks. That would be a better "vacation" time. The last time I went there was like before COVID, so it's been a few years.
@bestVase7265
I think that your brain at the moment will handle the shorter trip a little better. Any vacation counts. Where does the cruise go? @Jaeteuk
We're going to Alaska. One of the 3 last sails for the season. My parents went at the beginning of the season.
You know, Vase, my mind is totally blank now.. I don't know what I'm thinking, it's like, I'm not having any feelings.. All I feel is that I my depression has kicked in because of the lack of appetite and the restless sleeps. I feel emotionless, like I don't know what is going on in my mind.
@bestVase7265
Got some plans today. Mainly to go for my doctor's appointment (going to leave the house in less than 30 minutes). The initial reason was because of getting nosebleeds two days in a row.. but now, I'm going to inform my doctor about the grieving, the restless sleeps, the lack of concentration and lack of appetite. Then, on the same street as the clinic, I have to drop by my dentist to reschedule my appointment, since I'll be away on the cruise during the pre-scheduled day, then, I need to drop by my mum's hairdresser to help her make an appointment for a haircut. See if she can squeeze my mum in sometime next week.. She wants to get it cut before we go on our cruise, we might not be able to, as my mum says she usually makes an appointment 3 weeks ahead of time. I plan to head out a bit earlier, so I can walk around a bit. Might cross the street to the bank.. depends.. Running out of cash.
Then, tonight, I'll be meeting that friend after her working shift to grab a bite. At first, I was just going to meet her at the end of her shift to give her the badminton racket I bought for her son, but, I suggested we go grab a bite if she's okay. I've confirmed with her, she's okay with it. But, she did say she'll message me an hour before the end of her shift, to see if she needs to work an extended shift or not.. Otherwise, I'll meet her at the restaurant. Going to take her to my new favourite Korean place. She has some Korean friends too, so maybe if she likes, she can introduce it to her friends as well. Even if she works an extended shift, we could still grab a bite if it's not too late for her, as the last call at the restaurant is 10:30pm.
So, I thought my parents come back tomorrow, turns out it's Saturday. My brother says it's an early flight, so he'll have to head out by 8am.
My brother got some guys come over to our place to morning to clean our gutters and get rid of all the moss on our roof. Brother says they did a good job. And they cleaned the sidings really nicely, 2 workers, was here for like 2-3 hours, it was $500 for the whole house. Which I guess is not bad. It will prep us for the raining season.. so, that our basement doesn't flood again.. but, he says he'll still need to find someone to do the drainage in the ground.. That's a more crucial one when it comes to flooding our basement.
Emotionless is what happens when your brain really needs a break. Depression and grief can cause that. It is hard, but somewhat normal. Think of it as your brain trying to develop a place to heal by turning off emotions for a day or two. It will get better.
It is good to have lots of errands to do. The busy nature of the day also keeps you from dwelling on emotions for too long. I hope that you do get to go out with your friend.
You will be seeing your parents soon and that will help as well.
You are moving in a good direction.
It's been more than a day or two.. With the lack of concentration and focus though.. both times today, when I parked at the mall and the second time, meeting my friend at the restaurant.. I don't remember if I locked my car.. I'm usually pretty good in remembering.. but, I realized the past week, whenever I went out and parked my car somewhere, I'd walked halfway to where I was going, and then, suddenly, think, "Did I lock my car?".. And then, I can't recall if I did or not..
It's totally like my brain had shutdown, and there are no thoughts. Nothing is processing in my brain. It's weird. Like, I don't feel anything.
So, seeing my GP today, we talked a good 15 minutes. Initially, my appointment was made because I got a nosebleed two days in a row.. but we figured out that it was just because of the dryness in the air.. So, I told him about my grieving.. and how I believe my depression might have kicked in.. with the lack of appetites and restless sleeps.. He did ask if I wanted medication, and I said no.. I told him I started some counselling sessions, and have signed up for a group therapy that starts mid-September and runs until December. So, he told me do a follow-up appointment with him in a month.. So, I chose his last time at the clinic on Sept. 26th, as he's the locum for my GP that's on vacation for another month. Where she'll be back in October. Oh, he also sent in a referral for me, apparently there is a place the gives 6 free sessions on counselling (or was that with a psychologist.. I don't remember now). As I said I don't have medical insurance, so the current counselling I found is out of my own pocket. The thing is, with the free sessions, waitlists are usually 3 months. So, he was like, let's see how things go.. maybe I won't need anymore therapy by then.. He was like, as a doctor, it's either the medication way, or the non-medication way.. which is through counselling..
He says he doesn't recommend a Psychologist at the moment, but to wait at least 3 months into the grieving to see if my symptoms worsen.. then, we could consider seeing a psychologist.. I looked online, it seems the one I saw more than 10 years ago is still working.. the only problem is, it's quite far.. especially since we've moved back into our hometown, back then, we lived in a district closer to her office. Now, it could easily become a one hour drive away.
I'm glad my friend liked the Korean restaurant I took her to. She says she'll come with her family next time. She even ordered something to take home.
She has asked me to take care of her puppy for 2 days in September.. as her son will be going for camping for school, with her husband as a volunteer. She'll be working at a hospital for the month, working a 6 - 2pm shift, she'll need me to feel her dog and take him out for potty. She also mentioned she'll need me, I'm not working, some time in October or was that November, where she'd get me to stay over at her place as they go on vacation.. Oh gosh, see.. I don't remember now.. My mind.. losing it.
@bestVase7265
Yes, I knew that it had been longer than a day or two. It has been a few weeks now especially since your grandmother's death.
I was just trying to emphasize the normality of it in a depression or grief phase. I have felt the same way. It is like thinking through a thick glass that blurs everything in front of you. I too kept forgetting things that I normally remembered and that I just had no emotions at all. It was a little scary, but it really began to fade over time as I started to do other things like you will do with your vacation.
It sounds like your doctor is giving some good advice in seeing where things are in a month. He is giving you lots of good options. But realize that most success comes from a combination of counseling and medication. It isn't a one or the other situation.
It is good that you got together with your friend, she enjoyed the restaurant, and that you can take care of her dog for a bit and help her out. The dates will be important later. Focus on the immediate stuff right now in preparing for your parents coming back and the trip.
My mum bought a lot of clothing for me.. yay! Saves me from doing the shopping myself.. I hate shopping for clothes.. Even have a new pair of shoes.. Apparently my Aunt claims it's the Korean-styled ones..
I'm thinking of bringing my diary with me. I just checked the weather, it's going to be raining a lot.. Will need to start packing soon.. we've already picked out all the clothes to wear, mainly the new clothes she bought for me.. I just need the proper shoes to match them now.