@bluelemon6419 ! Trying to talk to you and set up communication
@bluelemon6419 sorry I’m not sleeping but i found a glitch in the matrix! I’d like to continue our conversation.
I did try sleeping and have utilised methods that will kick in soon. Glad and hopeful though since stumbling on a place I’d have thought wouldn’t be permitted.
Hey blue hope the day went well for you?
Don’t like the pfp though…
@LabeledBPD Struggling a bit. The day is ongoing. Thanks for checking in. How are you doing? The profile pic lol. feels representative. When I see you or if you are in this thread I will show you a different one and you can tell me which works best.
@blueLemon6419 sorry you are struggling. What is making things so difficult?
@LabeledBPD Put the alternative back up now Im out of eg for you to see.
@blueLemon6419
what do ya think of my potential pfp… ha.. solid , yes I was just before second kid and working towards… one hour till auto delete
@LabeledBPD I love it! Dudes tats would be too specific tho so there is that. Strong and solid. Thats you. 💛 i like your currebt one quite a bit. Im swlf destructive enough to put up my face but i get paranoid about tgw rest of yall.
@blueLemon6419
err not a dude… transgender… kinda genetically odd human with odd xxy… the ambiguous in sex that actually genuine.
Would you believe we met here …
@blueLemon6419
you are taking accountability rather than someone like me who hide behind anonymity
@blueLemon6419
i got told my face was offensive and nsfw… and kinda glad they did as I’d have posted me then .. it was just me nothing inappropriate , apparently nsfw 🤷🏻♀️
@LabeledBPD ok I out uo the alternative as my pfp now. Is it visible?
Wtf sale ??????
That’s far worse.
Grrrr
I like the pro but not sale.
I didn’t fully understand your last message and interpreted it as sarcasm. This is getting complicated.
blue never for sale . Can you change the words to beautiful and caring?
😤
I don’t like the second picture, more than the first.. I’m gonna try eating for dinner, hopefully it doesn’t come up overnight. I need to step away.
BBS 🥰🫂
@LabeledBPD I hope your food stays down and you feel better💛 all I will say is there are reasons I hate myself I wont ever talk about on here but I think you can figure that out from the pic. I'll change it back to the smiley face. Rest well and see you around Holly🫂
@blueLemon6419
thats not a reason to hate yourself. Yes a reason to hate others. I hate them also.
please try to determine worth not on what has happened but why and how, who instigated and wanted these actions and who it hurt.
whos situation was one that had no intention of hurting or taking advantage of others but self preservation and existing as a outcome.
Even if things you’d never welcome in a million years was what you see as necessary to ensure wellbeing for you or others, look at the situation again. You acted with good intentions. Going through adversity knowing it’s not what you want yet knowing your reasoning as to why being for the better of self and or others.
What more can one do? Would you think others should hate themselves if in a identical situation?
I have been thinking about your pfp a lot and all that it means. I can’t imagine how hard it is to deal with.
Putting bits of information together you have spoken about and it makes me sad. I really hope you can work through this.
i hate the human race… well 99% of it.
Love you blue
@LabeledBPD Love you too Holly and I'm very sorry I made you sad. It is all the past. I'm working on it. This is a pattern I need to break, I drink and over share on here. Thank you for being you and please lets not discuss this ever again. Lol like at all. I hope you are feeling better today with no vomiting. Have a wonderful day Holly.
@blueLemon6419
What did we talk about? 🙃
im sorry.
yeah feel better thank you, feel awful for a f up at work but trying to unwind from it.
hope you had a good day.
@LabeledBPD work place mistakes are rough. I hope its manageable and your workplace is supportive. You add so much to the place and are more efficient than others there so I hope they will take that into consideration. Are you feeling better today? Thankfully Im settling out and just baseline sad now.
@blueLemon6419
Thankfully they do understand and I went back there today and it’s not as bad as i feared, while also having the opportunity to try remedying the situation. I knew my work would understand. When I told my manager he said, well in terms of f ups this week that’s nothing in comparison to all the rest this week. I don’t worry about that aspect it’s just the fact it happened. I thought it was a possibility but was blasé. Lesson learned. It happened after I left and my colleague had to deal with it and I also feel bad for that aspect of it also.
i don’t like to hear you are sad even if baseline but i understand. Is there anything that would make you smile?
How are you blue?
you don’t seem yourself, please know I am always here for you.
@LabeledBPD Im sorry. Im trying but I dont know why I keep trying. Im empty. Just empty. Im ok ,Holly just in a mood. Thank you for being you💛 Im rooting for you for the holiday season. I wish you and your family a happy, heathy season.
@blueLemon6419
you don’t have to apologise, please, this is why we are here , for support and just someone who understands at least will listen.
mood or not don’t ever think that you can’t talk to me if you want to of course. Even if just a 👋.
alternatively if you need space, I hope to see you soon.
I give you a fiend, a virtual, but truly caring, not perfect but when and where I can hopefully a support for a Christmas gift 🎁. Can’t give you anything else and it’s not quite a gift because it was already given but idk… your presence is a gift to me so maybe it works in reverse, hope it does. Merry Christmas blue.
are you working over Christmas?
im off now for two weeks so sorry cups but i prefer not to be alone with my mind and without people like you.
Blue what is wrong? Please be honest and open if you can and want to.
I care about you and value you hence your absence provokes such question.
I know things are difficult right now especially welcoming otherwise unwelcome thoughts and memories in the process of healing.
I am really glad to have met you and and will never forget you. I am thankful for such an opportunity.
It’s not long until Christmas and although our individual Christmases may be worlds apart mine is brighter having knowledge and understanding of yours, good or bad. Hopefully good.
your smile is infectious and listening skills are nothing short of professional. Your presence is welcomed valued and missed when not here.
We are all here for you blue!
@LabeledBPD Hey hey 💛Holly. I'm just in a low place. I deeply appreciate you and how caring and supportive you always are. I don't want to take away from you. I'm very glad I met you through this website. You are good people. This is a time where I want you to be fully focused on you and your offline people and finding happiness. I want the absolute best for you and your kiddies. I'm a moody *** lol. It's not new and I'm ok. I have a plan for Christmas and will be at the beach most of the day and then chill with my friends family. I will probably pop in and see my mum the night when everything should be settled. I hope you enjoy yours to the max. Hearing about you having a good time would be the best gift you could give me. Also it's good to hear the work issue was not as bad as you thought. I hope you really enjoy your two weeks off, you deserve a nice break and good things. If you are still travelling with dude I hope that goes better than expected as well. I love you Holly🥰
@blueLemon6419
great to hear from you blue, truly and well now you have requested or mentioned what will be most appreciated there only one thing to do.
Christmas beech, wow, I hope you can find some enjoyment in being there. I also hope you have a wonderful time over the holidays and with your mum. Can you build me a sandcastle please while you are there as I don’t have the opportunity. Castle with a mote… likely spelt wrong . If you feel up to it of course and have the opportunity.
you know the same best gift would be to hear you had a wonderful time?
I brought the holiday for March couldn’t go now that would upset to many people 🤷🏻♀️.
so far it’s going pretty terrible and a argument with my sister last night I was told everyone around me suffers. All I was trying to say is stop boiling my kids feeding equipment multiple times when it only needs and should be washed with warm water… I really don’t like her.
I love you however and mood or not if you wanna talk or not, always a pleasure and around if you decide you want to. Moody blue or happy blue you are amazing never forget that please 🥰
@LabeledBPD I am so sorry your sister is being like this. It is so unreasonable. Regarding march, sufficient for the day is the evil there of. Im keeping you in thought. I sincerely hope your christmas eve and christmas are better. Love you Holly and be well. I put my christmas eve plan in another reply.
@LabeledBPD
blue I hope this provides a laugh, did me but maybe because I struggle with spelling in the first place.
@LabeledBPD
if you don’t use the same Browser I use just look up,
silent letter day, Michael Mclntyre.
Watch the 4min one..
@LabeledBPD Holly thank you so much for this video. He is hilarious. I had a very hard night but I am feeling better today. My work has a grocery hamper give away and I didnt want to go when I got out of bed but I went out anyway and it actually feels really good to be a part of. I have my list and Im just showing up at people's houses with groceries and it feels good seeing them happy. And happy for vegetables and canned stuff can you imagine? I hope your day goes well. I will build the sandcastle with a mote just for you tomorrow. Thank you for being you Holly💛
@blueLemon6419
❤️🙏🥰
@LabeledBPD hey hey I hope Christmas day goes really well for you and your family Holly. I love you. Im looking forward to getting a good beach pic for you tomorrow. I appreciate you and thank you for making life better.
@blueLemon6419
I don’t think you understand how much I am looking forward to seeing it. Like yeah I’m sad and am putting it on you so please know there is no and I mean it no! Expectations. It would be lovely but you enjoying yourself and have a good day is definitely much more valuable and desirable
@LabeledBPD no pressure. I am genuinely looking forward to building this sandcastle and trying to figure out a mote. I was going to sing a carol on vocaroo but I 100% can not sing. I love you Holly and I want all the best for you and yours. I hope you dont be too hard on yourself and prioritize self compassion (pot talking to kettle but still)
@LabeledBPD We are more than our labels. I spent some time with my brother this evening. Mostly to see my neice. It is wild to me how people can throw your past in your face under the guise of wanting you to be better. It sucks. We are not our past or any label that gets assigned to us. We are more.
It hurts when people reduce us to a diagnosis, and it was allowed in the EG tonight. Nothing was intentional and not intended to hurt just people who have had their mind conditioned to perceive people with such a label in a way that was not something they liked within their relationship.
nobody mentioned anything other than qualities that made life difficult for them. I do wonder if the person they speak of would still have the same complaints. I’d say yes ..
but such conditioning mean we suffer and face preconceptions that are formulated.
argh…. screw it, what does it matter anyway.
@LabeledBPD It hurts a lot. Being reduced to a set of symptoms and stigma hurts a lot. We are so much more than a label. So much more than past bad decisions. I know what it feels like to have a label (not a diagnosis but a role) pushed in my face and judged for it and I dont want anyone to feel like that. How you feel matters Holly
@blueLemon6419
yes and no.
People believe and perceive what they have been taught, therefore will jam a square block into a triangle hole and completely disregard the fact it hasn’t worked and don’t fit.
i understand though.
just still hurts.
blue you are a green and yellow fighting to be more like you… im not sleeping tonight and gonna reach for coffee or any stimulants… (like I have much options)
a sandcastle and my youngests face seeing Santas presents because he’s been good is the only reason I am able to smile.
@LabeledBPD im sorry to hear you arent sleeping. I get it but Im sorry. I hate that fried crunchy feeling I get in my head when I dont sleep and I sincerley hope it isnt an issue for you. For what its worth based on the marble run and halloween I know your youngest is going to have a great christmas and I hope his joy will help you and warm you up. I dont know if Im green. Im trying to be like you lol. You are resilient and persistent in a way I can only hope to be.
@blueLemon6419
two people aspiring to be like the other. 🙂.
my youngest has had an amazing time.
he loves his police car the most and has been driving it round, thankfully not crashing anymore and hoping to take him out into the garden tomorrow with more space. Just been a bit difficult with everyone around.
He loves putting on the sirens and chasing the bad man, if not doing that just sitting in it with the radio on… as his older brother is obviously not someone he can interact or play with… well who gets the role of the bad man…. Yay!! Love being chased…
The puppets I have i brought out Christmas Day, especially in light of my cousins kids being upset. I really need to hide them again… my kid for one does not understand moderation and no, just no, I can’t keep up neither do I want to make puppets come alive all day
@LabeledBPD I love you Holly. I needed to get myself together to reply. I am really glad your youngest enjoyed himself and even gladder that you got to be chased around LOL. Puppet duty sounds lovely as well. You are a wonderful Mum.
@labeledBPD I hope your day is going well. Here is the sand castle just for you💛 https://imgur.com/a/MXGxxlA
I love you and I appreciate you. Thank you for making life better.
@blueLemon6419
spoon , half a peg and a *** but! You really have spoiled me..
thank you blue though on a real level. This means a lot to me. I have been looking forward to seeing it so much. And on such a lively beech! Looks beautiful, and so does the beach.
Thank you!!! 🥰
my Christmas was alright, unfortunately alcohol really doesn’t agree with my cousin or mum neither do they know their limits. I felt bad for my cousins kids later on in the evening. It’s kinda spoiled when someone just wants to argue and fight intoxicated. Being prepared to fight yet doing what you can to avoid it despite someone’s best efforts is not nice.
they were back round today and I said you was in a want to fight everyone mood yesterday. She doesn’t remember.
my oldest hasn’t been well today but seems happy. Think a toy someone has brought him his smashed into his face in bed, gave himself a bad nosebleed but as he didn’t signify it’s happened it wasn’t immediately apparent. So bath clean and change bedding and clothes. His still happy. Later in the day his sick, again his not distressed and makes no indication it’s happening. So again same process batch etc. dawned on me though as the day settled down the sick was brown and his fed medical milk via tube so.. must be blood. Spending time online seeing if after a nosebleed it’s possible and apparently it is but if it happens again the sick I’m seriously worried. Anyway.
how was your day?
How was the time with your mum?
how are you now?
Blue ❤️
@LabeledBPD
I am so glad you enjoyed your sand castle. It was the highlight of my Christmas being able to build it. It's not the cutest but I really loved making something for you. My friend says Merry Christmas. I just told her you are my good online friend. I'm not ready to tell her I'm on cups lol. I really really was happy to make it and if rules were permitting I would have loved to send you a physical gift. Im telling myself it's best to operate within the boundaries of the space even if it feels disappointing.
I'm glad to hear your Christmas was alright but I hate that you have your mum and cousin to manage. That sucks a lot.
Did you get more information on what is happening with your youngest? I'm hoping the brown stuff was indeed just nose bleed related. I went to church today. I'm going to start praying again and I have you and yours on my list. I know January and surgeries are approaching and I wish you the best. I believe you have made the best decision you can for him and I hope it works out well and is succesful.
Christmas was a mixed day for me. Instead of trying to get by Mum after things wrapped up I popped in early morning before things started instead. I think it worked out ok. My Dad was in one of his confused moods and we had words but overall it was ok. I didn't see my big Bro but I had seen him Christmas eve and watched the Grinch with my niece. So my time with my Mum was short and no extra relatives so that was a win. I still feel a way about the cake but I really have to get over it.
After I spent the afternoon with my friends family. They were really welcoming and I appreciated it but it was almost too much lol. I hid in my car a few times but they came looking. They are so normal. Almost weirdly so. Like drinking but not arguing and just chilling. I think the after of going home and coming down from all that got to me. I felt pretty low after. Saturday was good tho. I told my friend I was busy but she saw right through it and showed up anyway. We did makeup and took pics so that was a lot of fun. I took a few with a big smile and thought of you LOL.
Sleep continues to be an issue. 3hrs last night and then woke up paralyzed again. Its getting old but I will say my emotional response this morning cleared up faster than usual so I think that is some kind of progress. Cups is irritating me more and more tho. I don't know if you saw but I came in to support room and then saw you pop up and a member was talking generalized nonsense about cluster B and mentioned your name. The mod was pushing back on it and I got into it with the person but legit I need to remind myself there are all sorts on here. I disengaged and the person got muted but it made me pretty upset I tried distracting on cups but ended up going for a short walk after anyway to calm down. If not for censorship I would have just cussed them out and I think that would have felt better. I really do need to take a break from here. Even exploring feels more and more frustrating recently. Even if I don't stay away I think not exploring or sharing is the best thing for me right now.
I think I've caught you up on my end. How has the post Christmas period been for you? How are you feeling? How did boxing day go? Have the puppets disappeared yet?
I love you Holly💛 thank you for being you.
@blueLemon6419
hey blue! I’m so glad you enjoyed the sandcastle making, I do wonder if it is on par to how much I really enjoyed seeing it. Definitely better staying within the rules, even if you don’t like them.
I looked at some course on here and for the first time , i understood the no CAPs . Sometimes a blanket rule makes it easier to upheld a supportive space rather than adding a layer of subjective input that just makes things difficult. Anyways
your friend sounds awesome and I think you made the right decision, telling people about this place could make things potentially self censoring due to the anonymity gone or simple fear of it being gone . The smiles though ❤️. You deserve to smile and it’s so nice to see.
its wonderful that you’re, I’m alright, sat in your car was seen through, it signifies you have people around you that really care, that’s really good to hear. I know some family members are not that great.
having a nice time with your mum and watching movies with your cousin on Christmas Eve…I can’t refer to original message so sorry if I get things slightly wrong. It’s what Christmas is about, not the gifts, I’m glad you got that. Your father being confused, I’m sorry to hear that, i imagine that’s difficult? The time together however truly seems like it brings you joy and that makes me smile.
i didn’t see someone talking about me, I’ve been not really able to be here at will. Best believe I would have either bit and go full hulk or laughed likely winding them up. Kinda really wish I was still around and didn’t have to leave. I hate the censorship also, you can’t actually debate with censorship and not everyone is going to like others opinion. Thing is in life you don’t have a right to go through it without being offended, words aren’t offensive it’s the individual who is offended. How I wish I was there at the time…. Labelled is my two fingers up to a box some vague DSM could put anyone into. Meh, pretends to let this slide..
since Christmas, much like Christmas, it’s hard work…. You have kids and it’s just work, nice work but work. As I’m not technically at my job I’ve spent time at my house and time at the kids dads. The time at the kids dad means my presence here has to be hidden. He understood my time here years ago but when i ended up in a real life relationship with someone in the uk and left him…. He’s unlikely to understand how that’s not why I am here, especially as that wasn’t the original intention also. I actually found this space after discharge from a psyc hospital, had a date for a more brutal method set and started getting things together, but wanted to know and go with a clear conscience knowing I’d tried everything to get help. Google was last untried technique, what popped up, cups. Kinda figured that even if it doesn’t help least maybe I’d find company that couldn’t stop me in my last moments. I digress.
how have your days been since Christmas?
I am disheartened to hear how you feel about here but not surprised. Some mods are quite good at aiding exploration and true insight other times it’s just sharing. Both are nice but just going over what you struggle with ain’t always helpful
@blueLemon6419
kids dad woke up, please don’t feel bad because of people having views like they do, even if I am mentioned by name. I can handle them most the time and would like to meet them in real life to see if they are as brave when not behind a keyboard 🙂.
Being so closed minded and with that tar brush tells me everything i need to know about someone.
I’m sorry you felt bad about it though. Please don’t get caught up on hate towards me or people not being nice, that would make it make it sad and worse. They are not worth fighting as you won’t change their mind they are not smart enough to understand anything else.
Hurt blue and then I’m definitely at war with them.
If it ever happens again please smile 😊, if I’m there I will smile also. Their words or ideas are theirs we know the truth and have intelligence on our side. These people will implode done right. Just can’t bite…not always easy trust me I know.
hope to see you around but understand if you need time away. Love you blue
Hope you are well blue.
I’d love to hear anything on your mind if you want to talk about it.
your sandcastle will forever live rent free in the gratitude aspect of my mind
@LabeledBPD Ok I left a huge text wall response on your previous message. LOL sorry I didn't realize it was so long. Cliff notes: I love you and you are awesome and Christmas was a mixed bag. See text wall for details.
I really hope you can get some sleep. It’s horrible without it. Have you spoken to the therapist about it?
being scared to sleep is also not any way to live and without sleep…. You deserve a good night sleep every night. I can only imagine how hard it must be and the toll it’s taking on you.
Is it bad I’ve gone looking for this opinionated idiot that made you feel bad to have a word about being kind and say hi!! Obviously we missed each other the other day.
