@bluelemon6419 ! Trying to talk to you and set up communication
@bluelemon6419 sorry I’m not sleeping but i found a glitch in the matrix! I’d like to continue our conversation.
I did try sleeping and have utilised methods that will kick in soon. Glad and hopeful though since stumbling on a place I’d have thought wouldn’t be permitted.
@LabeledBPD
Hey hey love you💛 That's all. Just sending a heart and hoping your day is going ok.
Blue… I may be banned from here. I don’t intend it but I can’t guarantee it not to happen. Maybe it’s true I’m unreasonable and confrontational in situations that I am wrong in. Acting with anger and frustration with inability to see things that are blind to me…
I don’t know, it’s horrible having such mental doubts and confusion/conflict with yourself amplified when you are defending what you believe is right. I am so glad i have been left alone because there’s only so much one can take and with kids I can’t run far.
I really hate some people
@LabeledBPD Holly this place can be unhealthy. Ive been active here 3 or 4 months now and Ive never seen you do anything worth banning. Defending yourself or others is noble in my opinion. I know the feeling of not being able to trust my instincts and doubting my decision making. Its horrible. I hate that you ever have to feel that. If anything on here is generating that please do not hesitate to take whatever steps you need to to prioritize yourself.
@blueLemon6419
sometimes empathy fails me and that’s what I am referring to. I ask questions that some may not like or welcome, that’s all I fear that can be banned.
In real life it would be creating a eco chamber, that’s not good for anyone. Cups however, a law to itself. Mostly I think they understand but yet they try upholding this no offence to anyone mantra that’s only a potential prospect in a ideal world.
you can’t keep everyone happy and sometimes the truth hurts but what’s worse?
Absolutely nobody’s rights are above another’s, we are all equal.
It’s upholding that it gets messy and people like me get banned in this day and age. I wish we lived in an ideal world where contemplating hurt cased never had to even come into relevance.
On a tangent here… sorry
@LabeledBPD Also I was looking at old photos after our chat and came across this one. https://imgur.com/a/B373GBL
Im going to look for one of the dog. Let me know when you see this so I can delete it.
@blueLemon6419
that’s me bottom left with sister and dad. I don’t have many pictures of younger life and this is the only one id share to protect anonymity from others not you.
Must have been 4 maybe. Not everything was bad and I’m glad it was so. There was a cut off point to that but my happy memory shared was likely 2 years or one year later I am guessing as we didn’t live where the picture was taken anymore.
I dislike my dad that much it would be hard to recreate such a memory but I will try not let his actions get in the way from passing on what I hope will also be a happy memory not forgotten.
@LabeledBPD Thank you for sharing this. Letting you know I've seen it so you can delete. You look like such an introspective child. Happy memories are so important especially if scarce.
@blueLemon6419
thank you. It’s an impression I get from you also being somewhat introverted, you are right in regards to me. I did however love sport in groups and didn’t fear talking. I was good at it
did result in being socially awkward but I had friends that were not just superficial, absolutely can’t stand superficial and over the top behaviour, i always question why? What’s your intention? I’d have to actively try to put that kinda behaviour on so i guess i assume it must be put on by others, surely it’s not natural 🤷🏻♀️.
hows your homework going? How are you feeling and coping? Monday isn’t far away what is your thoughts and feelings about Monday upcoming and progress so far?
@LabeledBPD I feel like I dread and look forward to mondays. The homework is coming. The abc worksheets are useful and challenging my thoughts is something I have to get used to and apply more. Over all it's uncomfortable but good. We are supposed to be looking at the index trauma monday. I've been bingeing time on cups as a distraction from thinking about certain things and I really need to step away but I keep coming back to keep out of my head. Thank you for asking and always supporting💛
@blueLemon6419
not going to pretend to know what intex trauma even means. The fact you feel it’s challenging or trying to challenge thinking or thoughts that have hampered you for so long, while being optimistic and most importantly dedicated. I’m glad for you blue. You only get what you put in. I wish it was easy, bet you wish the same. You have to look after yourself and if time here enables that but don’t detrimentally effect progress then that’s good.
Unfortunately there’s rarely any quick fix and I’m sure the person you are seeing knows this. I have faith in you blue
@LabeledBPD Found it. https://imgur.com/a/uvr6GND Let me know when you see it and I will delete.
He (assuming) looks like an old man! The teeth 😂.
you so happy though in contrast to last picture, it’s nice to see. Idk if introvert anymore or just a sad blue in first picture.
@LabeledBPD LOLhe did look like an old man. He started off with a black muzzle and it went gray as he got older. He was really so sweet. Im hoping the 3 views is just me refreshibg the page or something. Im going to delete it quick tho so hopefully that limits exposure. Did you see the toddler pic too? It should be under the dog pic.
@blueLemon6419
no didn’t see it ….
@LabeledBPD its still not showing up? Try refreshing the link? And yes to introverted. I only smiled like that for my dog
@blueLemon6419
aww there you are . I found you! How sweet was you ❤️
@LabeledBPDyeah introvert
@blueLemon6419 you online and active here now?
@LabeledBPD yup
@blueLemon6419 I want to show me and it’s still gonna be one that’s slightly, obscure.. but it will last 15 min image bb does that ability
@LabeledBPD dont so it Holly. Im cool with one pic from earlier. This thing has 7 views I cant account for
@blueLemon6419 well that’s to late.. i5 min and auto delete… it’s kinda me but it’s not overly clear.. I ain’t on no social media so you’d have to know me
@LabeledBPD its most likely ok and Im happy I got to see it.
@blueLemon6419
i hope the same … that’s kinda creepy and off putting if it’s not you 😔
Year and a bit ago, my youngest, was putting on my sunglasses hence why i even have some on indoors
@LabeledBPD Aww what a lovely pic. Thank you for sharing it. You both look so lovely. 💛💛💛
@blueLemon6419 thank you, as so do you. Your smile made my day if I’m honest that’s true happiness ❤️. I really should go to bed. I wanted to least say hi from behind sunglasses with scruffy hair and some random headphones on…. Sleep well blue 🥰
@LabeledBPD this feels like a real privilege and Im honored. You look solid. Its a vibe. Like someone that would back a person up. Thanks Holly. Now please get some sleep and delete this
@blueLemon6419 always stand by and fight regardless or winning or not. Bigger they are harder they fall , I’d die fighting
@LabeledBPD I waited and checked to make sure and it's gone💛 love you Holly. Rest well.
@blueLemon6419
love you also blue. Thank you. It’s been great seeing the smile mostly but also that one lucky dog that has so much character.
The teeth… maybe he was smiling. Such a great picture.
I can see your dog brought such fond memories and joy . I’m glad you have those ❤️
@blueLemon6419
@LabeledBPD
Hey bluey and holly. I wanted to do any due diligence just to let you know that I while I was just trying to find a reply in this thread, and I still see the links that you shared with each other. I hope you can trust me when I say I didnt look at them out of respect for you both. but I wanted to let you know I see multiple active links and if you want them deleted, to maybe ask a mod or send a request via the site to delete the certain posts with links. just looking out for you guys 💜 not sure if this even helps but thought I would say it. love to you both
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue Hey hey Sun💛 Thanks for the heads up. I've deleted the images on the imgur end so the links wont work and Holly's is set to auto delete on her end so we should be in the clear even with the links up. Thank you so much for looking out for us and anything I post in here is for you to see too so feel free! I love and appreciate you🥰
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue
yeah blues right and thank you. I appreciate it and what I post will always be with consideration that others see it even if done via means in hope they don’t.
i use image bb and from my understanding the auto delete should clear it after a time i decided on. I appreciate your care and looking out for us. Great to hear from you though by the way . Haven’t seen you around much. How are you?
@LabeledBPD
Holly I hope your say is going well. Just sending a shout. 💛
@blueLemon6419
shouting back , how did yesterday go? Sorry a bit late in asking, it’s not been out of my thoughts though.
@blueLemon6419
did you get good grades on your homework? Have you any new homework? How is the relationship dynamic playing out?
Was there anything you have found rather difficult?
@LabeledBPD she is amazing. Sometimes i feel like i will disappoint her but she is so gentle. I still feel overwhelmed. Some of the things that come bsck are too much. I have an aunt that was arguing with my mum and when I tried to diffuse the situationnthis woman looked me right in the face and told me she was glad I got molested. Glad Holly. Who the *** says that? I dont know what I did to make them hate me so mucb. Imnjust tired at this point. Sorry. I dont know why today is so much worse than yesterday. Its like I cant get my thoughts under control.
@blueLemon6419
blue horrible people use what they know will hurt the most to hurt you when they have no argument. Completely out of context and unlikely their true feelings but such words will hurt badly , it’s their only ammunition. You instantly lose any argument or debate if such actions are taken.
only thing we have to do is not bite and see it for what it is. Difficult beyond belief..
you come back with the same or react, they get what they intended.
its a messed up thing to say, easily you’d likely think well you are glad? And then look for problems they couldn’t control but deeply hurt and equally say I glad for XY or Z. What does using intentionally hurtful words solely designed to argue when most likely you don’t mean it actually achieve?
Have you spoken since?
i hope that since the raw emotions of an argument have subsided they are apologetic.
So glad though that it’s going well with the therapist. They understand and disappointment is unlikely , please don’t put to much pressure on yourself, your goal is not to please this person but make progress ❤️
@LabeledBPD Thank you Holly. I dont speak to her. She's one of the ones in the no contact pile. Im more settled today. How was your day?
@blueLemon6419
my day was ok, how was your day blue?
do you ever get the thoughts that say, at instances you just open cups , look at the EG and think, I’ve nothing I want to explore and turn away? Or join and ask why are you here?
🤷🏻♀️
@LabeledBPD All the time. Sometimes I come on here out of habit and look around and ask wtf am I doing. I'm trying not to explore as much now. supporting and getting out my own head space feels more beneficial right now. I just need to get my emotions under better control. I'm glad you had an ok day and I hope tomorrow is better. Rest well and I love you.
@blueLemon6419
love you also blue. Thanks for being you and all you do. You do amazing supporting.
days starting, yay.. at work now rain and dark.
hope you have a wonderful day.
@LabeledBPD Have an awesome day Holly. I hope you have atleast one pleasant surprise today💛
@blueLemon6419
any surprises have not been good. I appreciate the kind words and hopefulness.
How has your day been?
@blueLemon6419
my day was long and I knew it would be, my actions yesterday that enabled me to see Santa with the kids but resulted in being home at 2pm yesterday had to be made good today, and that’s ok.
did find out I’m working for a social worker who’s specific department is disabilities (could hear them while they working from home) doesn’t always inspire confidence as I fear being looked up.. but for one they shouldn’t do that and secondly they couldn’t be more praising.. so meh, what one person is like one day or many days people take notes is never a full and comprehensive understanding
@LabeledBPD Im very glad you got your Santa and got to make up for it today. Homework was challenging. Yesterday qas overwhelming. I distracted my swlf exploring any and everything but the most preasing issue. I dont feel like I have the capacity for this. I feel like I should accwpt where I am and just rest. Holly Im at qork crying. I just wish I wasnt this and Im so so angry at the people that made me this way. Im sorry for the big dump. Im just nit in a good place mentally and then at work someone gifted me wine and I started the bottle. Im just not in a good space. Im nit going to exolore it tho. I will call the therapist tomorrow.
@blueLemon6419
you have the capacity for great things. Currently things are holding you back and that’s ok, you are working on them.
although probably not best for you the bottle of wine, but what does that mean? You got drunk when not supposed to but additionally you made a big difference in someone’s life they wanted to thank you with a gift as words were not enough.
our actions yes is our responsibility but others are not. So interpretation of the gift means you really are special to them and they are very grateful for you being you and doing what you do.
Blue seriously like what the f am i doing, exploring does nothing yet life doesn’t let up!
I hit my worse when my kid was born, absolutely destroyed that I’d have to be a powerless witness grow into a bodily id see as nothing but torture and no quality of life!
i didn’t want to be part of any future, but grew into a space where it wasn’t that bad?
well it’s coming to terms. Kids in pain and even the school send him home after giving him pain medication because his still not happy. Couple days the same . His dad just told me today. His not gone to school because his so upset and must be in pain but we don’t get to know why. He can’t tell us! His a couple surgeries coming up and hey maybe one is the case of his distress but who knows?!?
The moment his dad dropped him off he fell asleep and has been doing so since. He will likely wake soon and . I can’t bear seeing him in pain in a life that’s no quality, dignity or prospect of communication let alone independence or communication.
What if this is the future as most txt medical books state on evidence
@LabeledBPD Holly I think I get you. I feel like Im spinning my wheels. Greater insight and Im still the same mess. I think there must be some release in it. Even if brief.
@blueLemon6419
must be some release if not very least distraction from thoughts.
this is hard hitting. He does make sounds that could be potentially interpreted as mum when his with me for a long time. I guess it’s easier to disregard the potential fact he knows and recognises me and although definitely doesn’t understand what a mum is referring to me as such as I don’t feel like one. I can’t provide love and affection, I can’t see joy in his life just sorrow as it’s no life. Providing this means acknowledging the situation and that’s to much
@blueLemon6419
well going down a path of previous what could be described as obsession.. contacting someone who decided we are better apart, instant cure thanks sharing circle! Definitely unhealthy behaviour and it needs to stop.
This place is definitely providing a distraction.
If you want to remove unhelpful thinking and subsequent behaviour come to cups!
@LabeledBPD im going to reply to these when im more mentslly clear. Drunk sorry
Blue I am sorry you didn’t attend today and feel up to it.
Things that are worthwhile are rarely easy to obtain.
always here for you as everyone else is. Have you spoke about drinking with this therapist and been honest about it?
I’m sure it’s something they will be able to aid with.
idk how long you get with this person and how it works but I hope there’s enough resources to support you for as long as needed
@LabeledBPD Holly I am so *** empty right now. I have not told her about drinking. I cant see a way to cope without it. Its all the pieces coming back to crush me. Its in my dreams, I wake up frozen and can feel literal hands on me, in me. I am being tortured at this point. Tortured with no relief in sight. When I tell you frozen, I cant even get a scream out. Its garbled noise. And then I have to look at a worksheet and try to rational my way through it. I have stopped replying to my friend and Im declining her calls and I cant tell you why. Im sorry. This is a lot. I am working on it and I will be ok. If there is one thing you can do for me it is dont worry. I will be ok. Please promise me you will never worry, I wont give up. Love you Holly.
dqRjDGAJ5dc
@LabeledBPD
sinbad.. well one of many. Those skeletons are something and such a scene I want forget.
@LabeledBPD This is Epic! The skeletons claterring across the screen are it. Thank you🥰 I never saw this and it low key looks like its supposed to be in black and white.
@blueLemon6419 oh Jason and the argonorts, aka sinbad. I see so many things in people’s usernames it’s rather odd yet it enables my understanding and means / results in modes of connection and identification .
those skeletons I will never forget, the charge. 🤷🏻♀️ glad you enjoyed seeing it though. Probably was black and white when initially produced that would be of no surprise. Bit like bill and Ben the the flowerpot men…. I am not actually this old but due to financial stuff I was always watching things way before my time as they were fee