@bluelemon6419 ! Trying to talk to you and set up communication
@bluelemon6419 sorry I’m not sleeping but i found a glitch in the matrix! I’d like to continue our conversation.
I did try sleeping and have utilised methods that will kick in soon. Glad and hopeful though since stumbling on a place I’d have thought wouldn’t be permitted.
Good morning guys,
Another rough night but we are here together. All the best today and thank you for trudging on despite difficulties. 💛
@blueLemon6419
im a evening person but your messages are always great to read even if at night and with such sadness that it’s been another bad night.
it must be catching up with you this prolonged poor sleeping. Is there anything that might help with the night? Seeping medicine or something?
nearly took 4 sleeping meds, extremely strong ones by mistake this morning before work… half asleep and not paying enough attention. Glad I noticed in time as otherwise… that wouldn’t have been good. I don’t take them often, nobody should but right place and time they can have there uses.
I was thinking today on my way home about something i shared before in the EG, things can be tough and it’s related to just an instant sense of relief something would provide. Just imagining. I’m sure it was you who said they felt the same the weekend before when i shared it. If it was you as i recall, i really hope you are not in that place. It’s not great. Together we can get through this.
@LabeledBPD thank you for your reply Holly. I appreciate you. Im going to take a break from cups. Maybe a few days. Maybe longer but when I come back I will head straight to the forum to catch up. I deeply care about you and Im glad we have this space. Im glad you didnt take the extra sleeping pill but got rest. I dont like the next day grogginess with them but Im going to see about using some over the weekend to catch up. Be well and I will see you soonish.
Blue , or anyone as resourceful as you are and have proven to be so, do you have many EG gardens full @ names? If so can you share them please or how I can go about sourcing them without screenshots of chats that will take time to build?
im doing this, rules established and clear aims, but then a massive fall… I want to tag many people so it instantly reaches them rather than just generally shouting it out in rooms?
Sink or swim I’ve got to try and make / recreate what so many now miss so much, utilising all things within tangible reasons.
thank you
@LabeledBPD Im going to check the appreciation thread. I had sent off a few appreciations in there so the full name would be listed. Sleep well it's late.
@blueLemon6419
thank you. Good idea!
@LabeledBPD
Ok I'm seeing names we have already Sun, Summerkay. I found: HealingGriz , GreekCatPerson and i think Plant is michael205 but i cant find him to confirm and I believe Kind is kindEyes9789 . I will add other names here as I find them.
@blueLemon6419thank you so much for the support blue. Finished work at midday but have been distracted drawing. Soon as the eg is open I’m taking notes!
@blueLemon6419
maybe alongside our best endeavours a strong suggestion is to tag those we may have missed or do not fully know the usernames.
I’m getting scared as idk how much control regarding moderation is possible, unfortunately I see it as if it goes aerie then beyond words there’s nothing that can be done, I will abandon it hopefully causing nobody hurt. Locked into meaningless and pointless arguments leads nowhere good for everyone…
I will make clear, (to ease my own conscience) I am creating the space but am only doing so for the good of everyone. If actions are outside the good of everyone then it’s collapse and demise is on you. We are accountable for our own actions only!
Good morning yall, i hope today is a better day than yesterday for us all. Onto a new month. Progress not perfection as iris would say. See you around.
@blueLemon6419
good morning, or afternoon now to you also.
Hope you have a good day. See you around .
i took down names yesterday so the tag list has grown.
@LabeledBPD Hey Holly, thank you for sharing today. Im not putting details here. I believe you are going to make the best decision with the information you have. You have gotten this far and made so many hard decisions already. you are doing your best with a challenging hand of cards. i believe in you.
@blueLemon6419
thank you blue ❤️🫂.
I don’t have the choice to sleep now even if i wanted to. kids, medical needs and making the best out a bad situation means sleeping is last on the list and not viable right now.
@LabeledBPD fully understood. I skipped sleep last night all together as well so im being hypocritical reminding you of time lol. Im wishing you and the kids the best. What the best looks like i dont know. Maybe some kind of rest even while you manage your responsibilities. Thanks for being here Holly.
Hey Holly,
I dont know if you have made your decision yet but I wanted to say I am rooting for you. I believe you will do what is best given the information and guideance you have right now. I hope you find peace and conviction whatever you decide. You are doing your best. In a difficult situation you are doing the best you can. Be well and be gentle with yourself. Much love, 💛💖
@blueLemon6419
hey blue
i was speaking with the kids dad prior and he was like unless we have to, put it off. Soon as it’s done it’s repeating it every 5 years.
I done my own research and found a less invasive rather new method so was keen to mention that. I did mention that but was told it wouldn’t work for him.
good thing is although hip migration is in the red (surgery criteria) it’s thankfully not rapidly progressing. Slow progression is better than rapid.
we decided to not go ahead now.
He gets his legs stuck crossed much more frequently however. Unable to unlock them himself and hyperextending as a default to distress it makes it far worse. Was once in a blue moon but now few times a weeks I am woken to screaming due to the discomfort and inability to uncross his legs. Scissoring is a complication of CP and now it’s bad enough, not only that it’s pulling the hip sockets out the joints but the legs cross over and he can’t release them. You have to go and unlock them.
On this now much frequent problem a surgery is now booked. We are going to cut 2 out of the 4 tendons or ligaments (not sure on correct word) to render them ineffective. Hopefully this will help, but I was warned when questioning about side effects that it not actually helping is one. All other side effects are minimal. We have to try when everything balanced.
he’s never going to walk, sitting up without support would also be a pipe dream goal. For him it’s all about making his existence as pain free and enjoyable as possible.
was astounded when i relayed back the plan to the kids dad after leaving the appointment, his words (well that’s good, i thought it was going to be much worse) indicating he thought full hip reconstruction was not optional anymore and that’s what was going to happen… yet he’s telling me to refuse intervention. I thought he wouldn’t like my decision to have this procedure.. I can’t work him out.
Least this turned out not so bad.
Ive got to take him for another blood test, for a completely separate operation. Next week I will have the time.
profound brain damage at birth really makes me question and kind of higher power.
very long post. Thank you for your support blue ❤️ means a lot 🫂
@LabeledBPD Im glad you found a good middle ground with the ligaments. It sounds like you are meeting the goal of best quality of life possible given all the limitations and not just chasing a number. Im glad his dad is on the same wave length about this. You are doing a great job. Thank you for the update H💛💖 All the best today and be well.
Random Music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mhwGxq4-NA (stick figure edge of the ocean)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui8kUKuLBaU (Florence and the machine Free)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb-0Eo0Yk0o ( Buju Banton untold Stories)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihrUIPfvTh8 ( katy Nichole in Jesus Name)
I'm not a dj these don't go together. I hope you guys find one that resonates or at least you can nod your head to. Have a good day everyone.
All the best yall.
@blueLemon6419
omg! I was informed you was taking a self break yesterday from Frankie. It’s difficult to accept but if it’s what’s best for you both me and Frankie share the same sentiment in look after yourself and hopefully we will see you again soon. It’s for the best.
you don’t sound like her no… not at all. ❤️. You made me laugh. Thank you also for the birthday wishes. I hope you are back in time also but only if you are in a better place and ready.
It’s really something special hearing you. I’ve my kids now and idk if there’s a noise that made it difficult to hear every word but I will do as you would like by informing people you mentioned. I will listen again when iggle piggle and scary balls on YouTube is off. Yes my youngest likes scary packman things and my 8 year old still loves iggle piggle, well except the intro or end or the ponitipines…
I really hope you are ok, and if not like you said in the message you have or can finds adequate support to help you get better.
Sorry if I’m slightly obsessive but will be listening to your message as long as I can and I can only tell you how many times when I’ve no longer access to it.
Thank you for sharing it and explaining prior to self care. I really appreciate it.
I don’t know what’s caused the paranoia but I hope it’s removed. It’s horrible to go through. If there’s ever anything I can i do although i doubt it never hesitate to ask even if it’s leave the site myself because you are awesome and so cared for !
Please, please look after yourself ❤️🫂💙
@LabeledBPD Not back yet. I was just checking in on this post. I hope you are doing well. I miss you guys. 💛 Thanks again for being there and look after yourself Holly, get lots of rest and be good to yourself.
@blueLemon6419
life sucks, people suck and so much has happened. Miss you also. Was great having such a supportive group of people together.
hope you are working positively towards your ultimate goals and doing well.
Take care of yourself blue and just never let your guard down. Screw psychology’s narrative everyone is great, no need to be defensive. You do!
@LabeledBPD I was reading your share just now and I'm just over how trash people can be. No consideration. I hope you stay safe despite everything and I hope by some miracle the offenders are stopped.
@blueLemon6419
thank you. Unfortunately it doesn’t work out like that as you more than likely know. Protect yourself, uphold your guard and never mix with degenerative people.its all one can do.
you Can attack first and hard but that’s only when occasions are warranted and when you are able and willing to further your initial stance.
I hate people like this, and if not a degree of separation, then emotions are what’s going to engage. That’s not good. But then as a collateral damage to someone’s vengeance my kids are included.
I warn anyone that a suicidal person is dangerous, put someone in the position where they become so, u r playing with fire. They don’t need an army, they have nothing to lose!
I’ve one child that’s able to comprehend, my existence and its absence. But as a hurt individual coupled with an already balancing scale. Hurt to my only reason to live while adding all the reasons not to… you technically are really messing with an already messed up human.
My only fear of death is how it would impact my cognitively functioning kid. There’s nothing else. Threaten or hurt that then, use ones imagination is all I can say.
@LabeledBPD
thank you. Unfortunately it doesn’t work out like that as you more than likely know. Protect yourself, uphold your guard and never mix with degenerative people. its all one can do.
That's the honest truth and sometimes it's still not enough. It's so frustrating facing the inherent unfairness in the world. There really is no justice.
you Can attack first and hard but that’s only when occasions are warranted and when you are able and willing to further your initial stance.
I hate people like this, and if not a degree of separation, then emotions are what’s going to engage. That’s not good. But then as a collateral damage to someone’s vengeance my kids are included.
I warn anyone that a suicidal person is dangerous, put someone in the position where they become so, u r playing with fire. They don’t need an army, they have nothing to lose!
The last bit here, people underestimate the risks suicidal people are willing to take. Take away self preservation and add anger and it's end game.
I’ve one child that’s able to comprehend, my existence and its absence. But as a hurt individual coupled with an already balancing scale. Hurt to my only reason to live while adding all the reasons not to… you technically are really messing with an already messed up human.
My only fear of death is how it would impact my cognitively functioning kid. There’s nothing else. Threaten or hurt that then, use ones imagination is all I can say.
I sincerely hope it never comes to that. People like this make it bad for everyone around them. Absolute trash. I'm just hoping you guys stay safe.
@blueLemon6419
❤️
@LabeledBPD Have a great evening Holly💛💖
@blueLemon6419
Thank you for such a meaningful and thoughtful reply.
I hope you are sleeping better. It pains me that fear keeps you awake. The effect of not sleeping and seeing things is not nice.
Please try and find something that makes you feel safe so you can rest. Alcohol not included.
Ive never met anyone who knows what peth test is.
What is your goals blue?
Blue….. why does one’s mind put 9+5 and get 4.
i HATE the word triggered but emotionally effected yes.
I say this but with firm concern that even my conscious dismissal as, it’s crazy is still likely wrong.
i hate my head and life.
trust i guess is a big factor as i make connections and without definitive evidence it will not shift…
this is even more outlandish than what now i believe previous accusations. This however comes of the back of sharing what’s most shameful and ultimately getting blocked when kicked out and being in distress because my life will be in a car , left without my kids , all because i decided to sleep in the eldest kid’s room and the one year old asleep next room because i felt the eldest hadn’t had much time dedicated to him.
can you imagine how hard to be kicked out because the kids dad gets angry your not with the youngest and in the next room with the other child. Thrown out, nowhere to go and a until then believed supportive listener blocks you there and then for a reason still unknown.
wish 1+6 = 4 wouldn’t be so firmly believed by my head
@LabeledBPD
Argh man you deleted the voice message….i understand why but don’t make it easier. Thought if i didn’t close that page you’d be there forever.
was very thoughtful of you to even do it so thank you. I know you are not her, and that message helped tenfold.
Really hope you are doing ok, if not have adequate support.
Blue❤️
@LabeledBPD Hey hey click this link on your birthday not before LOL. Love you Holly💛
https://voca.ro/13RDzSPWAn9X
@blueLemon6419 ok not clickable that time but copy and paste should work.
@blueLemon6419
Thank you so much. I’ve never felt so loved, this year breaks all moulds and it’s hard to take in.
I’ve not looked forward to and enjoyed a birthday more than 2 or 3 times total in my life.
What may seem insignificant and a small gesture to another will never be fully understood on how valuable to the individual it is.
love you blue.
🫂🫂❤️❤️💙🥰
@LabeledBPD I love you so much Holly. Please do have a wonderful day tomorrow.
@LabeledBPD Happy Halloween and Happy Birthday Holly. Thank you for the difference you have made in my life. Thank you for being you and being so understanding. Hip hip hooray🎂 You are amazing and I wish you and your kids the very best.
@blueLemon6419
BLUE! Thank you for everything and being you. I had a great day!
you know i didn’t get high monetary value gifts, actually all i got was £60 and some charity shop things from my mum.
that said i was gifted the best gifts I’ve ever received and it means so much and money could never buy them.
i got a bunch of flowers and a bar of chocolate from the guy i am mentoring, was a combination of happy birthday and thanks for mentioning me.
i got a bunch of roses and bottle of spirit of the kids dad. (Said he wants to kick my colleague in the nuts) he did say he was joking.
a phone call to say happy birthday from a colleague that remembered!
my youngest saying and fully understand, happy birthday momma! He did try stealing my money and go a tad upset when i said no it’s my birthday money, but i couldn’t help laughing when in a teary state he said ( but I have a birthday sometimes).
then I have your happy birthday that’s made the day a extended, pre , during and post great birthday. It was so meaningful and I am so grateful xx thank you ☺️
i haven’t made you any better or a different person, you was always them you just hadn’t realised it yet.
❤️🫂💙
hope you have a great day!
@LabeledBPD Hey Holly, I am so glad to hear your birthday went well! You deserve it!
Blue, I hope you are ok.
I miss you but am telling myself you are away and it’s for the better for you.
i will be happy with the emotional pain of your absence but it’s removed with the knowledge it’s helping you and what’s best for you.
long and short , i miss your presence but if you are doing well as a consequence of not being here. Stay away. Just know that even though you are not here you are not forgotten and I’m supporting from the sidelines.
Be well blue xx love you
@LabeledBPD I'm sorry I didn't say something before. I was feeling really overwhelmed and I asked an admin to delete my account. I sent off a peer appreciation request for you and I was hoping that would have come through before or just after my account got poofed but it hasn't been posted yet. I got it turned back on today because I saw this post and didn't want you to worry. I am on my way to ok. I love you and thank you for checking in on me. I haven't figured out how to use this place healthily yet so I will be deactivating again eventually.
@LabeledBPD Holly, Im really really sorry. I dont want to hurt you and Im sorry that I did. Ive been struggling recently and I push people away and isolate when I get like that. Admin banned me by my own request and deleted my forum posts like I asked. I wanted to run away from everything including cups. My appointment is in 10 days. Im really hoping I can get my head sorted out. Thank you for being you and for caring. Im sorry Im not a better friend. I will subtract that loop from the rollercoaster. I want to try for moderation here. What times (est) are you on and I will try to be here then if I come on.
@blueLemon6419
blue my reaction to something is nothing you need to be sorry for. I am sorry I entered and said WTF!
I have been off here for couple days and had literally just read the appreciation first thing I did coming back. Notifications, and it hurt . I hope you know that although I struggle with such i really want nothing than for you to do what’s best by you.
catch me off guard in emotions you are met with emotions.
Everything you said tonight I can fully understand and i appreciate, know what it’s like more than you know.
I will hurt if you go I won’t deny it. I need to find ways of balancing or keeping in mind I want what’s best for you and my pain in saying goodbye is natural if not unpleasant to say the least. I say this and I hope you don’t take it as anything but an explanation and fully understand I want what’s best for you.
if you are going though things, you are going through things. You’ve been through a lot in your life and i won’t ever hold your actions unless intentionally malicious against you, and if i ever thought you was capable of that I’d not be talking with you. You are such a kind and mod level listener in the group rooms, people are drawn to you and although we will miss you, nobody would would want anything different if it was better for you rapidly leaving.
all i ever ask from you, is look after yourself please and reach out if you are unable to. Don’t worry about my reaction or anyone else’s, you can only control your own actions ❤️
Hi and goodnight blue. sorry i missed you, i need to go being responsible and all. Hope you enjoy the EG and see you on the 18th.
@LabeledBPD Holly Im really sorry I missed you but very happy to hear you taking steps to reduce the symptoms of sleep deprivation. I hope things settle quickly with the sleep. Thank you for caring and I hope you know it goes both ways. I will always check this thread, break or not it's visible and I have it bookmarked. Please take care of your self. 💛
