@brokenartlostmind
Hey, am questioning still and exploring but it seems I'm maybe Androgyne, AFAB (assigned female at birth), maybe asexual, maybe autistic, yet there so much learn, so many labels.
When I was young I tried exploring but there was a lot of eye rolling and "it's just a phase" and either pushback or no sort of encouragement or nurturing at all around it.
This made me super mixed up and unable to know who to trust, even with years of counseling, therapy, workshops, workbooks, meditation, and a decade of medication.
The medication side effects became too toxic, and they switched one of my pills to a generic brand and I just hated it so I went off in some cold turkey/taper cycle that took a decade.
Now I'm pretty over the whole system and it's gaps and have a hard time holding my tongue about anything and everything these days. So mostly I heal at home unless it's urgent.
There's a pride walk today and I'm also mixed up around that. For so long who I was wasn't given any sort of recognition I basically don't even know if I exist, who I am.
If I spend time around people who were supported and know more than me, will I snap at the injustice? Will I be jealous and resentful? Or will I find joy and confidence in the process?
My own issues seem to get in the way of everything. Even changing my name seems like a faded memory now, because I've always hated it too or just didn't relate.
It's hard to know that who I am effects my parents so much, or so little. I was told by my granny that it was my fault they divorced. I seem so normal, yet also so coldly abnormal.