@littleb4t I'm sorry about this. Living without sex is fine, but to have this sense of utter disgust, "wrongness" and guilt is something very burdening. I think it would be worth investigating it more, maybe through therapy if you don't know where to start, and uncover the origins of this feeling. There might be some trauma behind it, or some form of social conditioning, like a familiar, social or religious environment that condemns and shames sexual acts. If it's hard for you to figure our how it all began, don't hesitate to ask for support! It might be hard to face and discuss these feelings, but it's worth it if it helps you find a way to deal with them.
As for asexuality, it's defined as a sexual orientation where people don't experience sexual attraction to other people. I'm not sure if it's your case, as your feelings of guilt and discomfort might have other causes. Something more to find out as you explore yourself.
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@Aayla I'm on the ace spectrum, because I can feel attraction but .. not in ways you'd think. I would never think of doing that with anyone I meet or even if I'm in a relationship with them. It's not for me
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@littleb4t I see. There's surely much more to it and this can really be complex, but remember that feeling sexual attraction and deciding whether or not to act on it are not necessarily connected. Also, sexual attraction works in a lot of ways and not all of them are necessarily "what you would think", as society has standardized sexuality and put a clear cut distinction between what is valid and what isn't, what is "real" sex and what isn't. But these distinctions don't reflect the complexity of everyone's experience.
I really think your relationship with sexuality is worth exploring to understand yourself more, but at your own pace, without pressure. You're not a puzzle to solve, you're a person on a journey and the direction you take and the things to explore are up to you.
The ultimate goal is for you to feel good with yourself and your life. There is no pre-defined way to do this.
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