"what a hysterical attention seeking autistic girl trying to cosplay as some male introvert but failing laughably?""
I feel alone and unlistened to. As if people don't view me the way I like to be viewed. No compliments, just mindless upvotes.
At the same time complaining about this is kinda awkward, I'm so ashamed to be so rejection-avoidant in the first place it's a catch-22 situation.
@camo303xvp Dude, I've left several replies on your posts, but you didn't respond to any of them. I hear you and want to help you, but you're not communicating with me.
@determinedSea4370
Apologies for not responding.
It's just complicated.
I'll try to explain as best as possible. Like you may already know I had a really problematic complicated upbringing, unsurprisingly as a result my self-esteem is ridiculously low.
I can never think straight, I'm so confused, I compare myself to others pretty much all of the time, I really beat myself up for not being like how I'd like to be and I get very defensive whenever others point out whatever flaws yet at the same time somehow these "flaws" look okay in others but somehow cause distress in myself, which is confusing.
Nowadays interacting with others, both in real life and on the internet, feels so daunting because of the whole complicated self-esteem issues. I don't know who I am, I keep changing my mind about everything and pretty much form no solid opinions.
Because of this unfulfilled need for intimacy but also attempts to satisfy it always being very awkward, I fill the loneliness gap with trying to make sense of and form conclusions about what this all means: my brother, the things my brother would say to me, the gradual shift in both of us with age, the differences and similarities between both of this pair, these vague mental images/associations I've had of people and things and locations I've unconsciously generated all my life based off things I've seen and how they're all connected, my dead father (and how he got replaced by someone that is a proper definition of a tw&t), society and its decline, life and death, morbidity, god's existence, ancient mythologies, evolution, jungian and freudian psychology, enneagram, local history, humanities in general, the dreams I have at night, what my emotions actually mean and how they correspond to everything else.
@camo303xvp
No need to apologize! But, thank you and thank you for taking the time to reply. I didn't mean for any of my comments to set you on the defensive- and if they did, I understand that you can't help it. You are obviously thinking about a lot of things, judging by that last paragraph! Do you get a sense of satisfaction from digging into any of those topics you mentioned?