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camo303xvp
5 332 M Embraced 3
Snuf puffs :3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts46 Forum posts31 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 13, 2025
Bio

19 y.o. transgender male

diagnoses = ASD, CPTSD, anorexia nervosa

issues = extremely low self-esteem, cannabis addiction, internet addiction, emotional dysregulation, unhealthy obsession with typology labels, very long complicated messed up childhood (Im new to this forum Idk if i should swear or not), very disorganised, very confused and aimless, massive trust issues, unemployed

location = NE england

stuff I like = old video games, Reddit, journalling, Moomins (Snufkin is my idol), adidas, red bull, Wikipedia, morbid curiosity, enneagram, 80s/90s/2000s in general, vague interest in spirituality, I want to get into obscure horror fiction but I cant be bothered, I want a bicycle because I love cycling very much but Idk what to spend all my trust fund money on


Recent forum posts
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More ramblings of a trans typal person
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 21 minutes ago
...See more severe autism is diagnosed earlier girls rarely get diagnosed, unless they're that autistic Therefore I am severely autistic (Im a transgender male) the fact I vent like forums to this I trauma dump to like every single *** internet forum I ever *** find carelessly is evidence of how *** impulsive I am they don't see "polite calm modest quiet introverted boy with fluffy hair and pale skin" they see idk like "loud angry aggressive blue haired red faced transvestite that cant regulate their impulses or emotions" :((((((((( blissfully unaware of such a painful reality this entire time Angry Karen-esque blonde haired woman with yellow teeth screaming racist remarks at strangers via car windows, strangers tell her to "chill" PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN TRAUMA I like mint green, straight lines, yellow coloured lined paper, drawing as a hobby, okay enough looking bicycles (not curvy chavvy ones, but not cringey artsy hipster "im not like the other boys" ones either). Typology means everything to me. It's always the typologies I envy the most (IXTX/XNTP/INXJ/ETC E5/E6/E7 kind of E9 kind of 3w4/4w3 idk as a vague elaboration) that always get the nice pretty stuff meanwhile the *** I find ugly af always gets associated with the typologies I want to be the least. Now I feel like [censored, okay now uncensored Idk how I'd "translate" it] "dumb ugly cringe XSFP larping as ENTP 7w8 with their *** af tastes a fools idea of what XNTX people look like" or something. Like the kind of aesthetic associated with f**L*rs (e.g. kawaii) somehow is not ugly at all but I dont want to be that aesthetic myself (understandable because Im a lad). Type reassignment surgery is like idk popping certain pills to just appear unflappable in front of *** everyone (in order to interact with people at those really nice looking old fashioned social clubs I have to be drunk, otherwise Id feel so awkward and weird). so so so so so so just so *** ashamed to cry in public. even more ashamed to have a fit in public. it hurts so much when people are like "everyone keeps their emotions to themselves but you let it all out" ewww so younger self bad bad bad bad bad bad. It's not so much to elicit attention from others or evidence of how impulsive I am but more so that the psychological pain is just too much to hide, I am so overwhelmed the only way I can deal with it (at this moment in time, away from the comfort of my home and internet access) is to just let it all out. Also asda beetroot tastes weird and kinda unpleasantly sweet Lidl beetroot Tesco beetroot is okayer. The fact that when I cut myself in a bus station with like loads of people when I cut myself on a conspicuously overcrowded bus no one *** cared even more evidence the ideal self is more and more common (one of the traits of my ideal self is apathy).
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blood on a newly purchased £3 B&M notebook (i forgot to bring the original)
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 21 minutes ago
...See more + it was a shame how I wanted the product to be green and A4 and normal material at the same time but that was not an option, just green A3's, or white A4's but like some weird ugly material, or like A4's good enough material but *** orange. meanwhile calling myself the S-word for caring so much about the way something is to the senses meanwhile thinking as I paid for fake super noodles and vegan protein bar from Lidl (I could  have got betterer versions from *** B&M) self-checkout + is willing to wait an eternity = ideal self at its finest self-checkout + cuts the queue = inbetweenie conveyor belt thing + is willing to wait an eternity = inbetweenie conveyor belt thing + cuts the queue = anti self at its finest also noticing "I force myself to be frugal and anti-capitalist buying barely anything yet I see based enough lookinger people spending like *** £90 worth of groceries in one sitting. What a poser. I remember thinking, Lidl is basically a baseder version of Aldi, from experience people that tend to prefer Lidl over Aldi are generally speaking baseder in general than the Aldi people, yet the act of forcing onself to shop at Lidl and not Aldi just because "ew Aldi too ugly gay gross cringe!1!1!! Lidl rules lidls the king!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is obviously so inherently shallow, yet a genuinely apathetic person (a sign of basedness) would not give a *** where they buy food from" *** this slow af sluggy Indian laptop I am suicidal right no I want my mother to comfort me no more of this evidence I am my anti self *** even worse than the black void itself *** THIS DIGITAL TRAFFIC JAM I JUST WANT THE FAST LANE OF INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY CUZ I FEEL LIKE TRASH RN Pain over the potential of (translated from typese) I'm my younger self basically but appearing more like (or they think that is the case anyway) ideal self because of stress when they otherwise normally inherently intrinsically aren't, like what thingie said. Newcastle makes me think of Rebecca Parks, or late 2000z teenz in the urbz, or this vague Russian one, or like this gardening one. Cringing at your younger self is like any and all negative emotions in general (such as disgust, embarrassment, hate, contempt). It doesn't necessarily have to have some kind of "vibe". I was thinking at one point, thinking of different typologies "plainly" (e.g. numbers and letters) or alternatively associating ones with different vague imaginary people. After all enneagram numbers (it makes me cringe massively when people call it that like "enneagram numbers" to refer to the enneagram or "personality codes" to refer to MBTI/jungian the basedest terms are "enneagram" and "MBTI"). Why can't I just think of the enneagram typologies as the actual numbers and not like the people I associate with the personalities associated with such numbers? "let other people past" "let other people past" "let other people past" Psuedoscience makes me suicidal, how pathetic. "These strangers on the internet don't even know you" / "I'm right because Im a therapist with 20 PhDs!!!1!!!!" "chavs are just mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" etc etc etc *** the people you're criticising expose the painful truth so painful I'd rather have an unimaginably distressing afterlife if there is one than accept in this plane of existence You probably likely know the ugly truth as well but you never tell me it directly. I can tell by how you swear back at me when you would otherwise never swear. It's a form of infantilisation. I'm so disgusting, so childish, so impulsive, so dramatic, so cowardly. This is just *** on earth. After walking to Tesco express to buy a can of red bull and cigarettes (because the co op where I live doesn't happen to sell sugar free red bull medium size which is such a shame, it's more expensiver and also uglier than Tesco and has such little variety) I ended up having to wait an extra 30 minutes for the bus, it was ***, the self-loathing was unbearable and the overstimulation didn't help (I put myself into such a situation it's all my fault I ended up in such a painful overcrowded public environment I'm such an impulsive ***), nor did the fact that when I got onto the bus when it finally arrived I overheard this guy my age ish say "[insert bus number] is going in the same direction as [insert the exact same bus number]", it goes to show that kids and teenagers and young adults these days say the weirdest things, I'm such an outlier, I'm a dinosaur, so uncool, microdosing off weed (smoked in joints) and 2nd plat DXM that's a tiny fraction of their druggy trips their dab pens and K holes respectively (however I reckon my repertroire is a tad more "out there" than that of the majority of adults well vaguely anyway, the boring ugly s*ns*r adults limited to alcohol vapes/rollies/tabs junk food coffee and/or antidepressants) and even if they don't do drugs at all they still say weird *** like that. I felt the worst stab of envy ever, I overhear kids my age say weird *** like that all of the time "I don't know if your T-shirt is white it could be white" "the bus stop is waiting for us" makes me realise how grouned corporal sensual s*ns*r I am in comparison. Not to mention how when I was eventually on the bus, continuiing to ✍🩸 and eventually breaking out into tears and writing on the walls because the turmoil was just unbearable, I overheard a stranger telling me to "calm down", which hurt even more. Basically my ideal self is incarnate in an increasingly larger number of people. As a trans-typal person I am so heartbroken by a truth so painful to accept than the black void itself. fat lazy ugly hysterical sensual impulsive childish greedy dramatic bright and colourful I thought I was [inbetweener typology] but then someone with [inbetweener typology] says or does something that is extremely [ideal self typology] therefore I am extremely [anti self typology] in comparison. Here we go again No-one cares Calm down Are you serious? For real the sound of crying hysterically (not crying "normally" but I mean crying hysterically) is just so ugly. and then once im as reassured as anything I start cringing at this entire document like theres no tomorrow
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I hate how impulsive I am
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 7 hours ago
...See more Extremely impulsive. Too impulsive for my own good. So impulsive it denies the image I was trying to give off (because it is my identity, I am trans-typal remember), resulting in extreme distress and embarrassment. I'm going to be homeless before I know it and it's all my fault. The older I got the more I inadvertently made life worse for myself and it's all my fault.
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I'm not like my ideal self enough
Trauma Support / by camo303xvp
Last post
 10 hours ago
...See more Relevant to the self-discrepancy theory in psychology. I'm very insecure about my own personality/cognition/behaviour etc because it doesn't align with what I identify as. Traits I am deeply ashamed of and distressed by (feeling inferior to others as a result): * oversharing * acting without thinking, being impulsive * being energised by speaking to people * being aware of my surroundings, rarely (if ever at all) "lost in my head" as some people put it * being superstitious * having an eviction notice due to self-neglect, struggling to keep the house tidy, pushing people away, and it's all my fault. My entire life pretty much I've been acting without thinking of the consequences and I'm so ashamed. * caring what others think. * needing to leave the house every day otherwise I feel bored. * being more selfish/ "my way or the highway" instead of letting other people have a say. * obsessing over my physical appearance. * being more emotional than logical. * lacking critical thinking skills, or certainty in whatever conclusions. * being emotionally expressive, overreacting. * preferring the internet over video games. * taking pleasure in eating food, weighing more than a certain amount. * buying unnecessary things I do not need. * someone else having aesthetic taste or fashion sense etc that is more ideal self than I am. It's as if the anti-self traits outweigh any and all "ideal self" traits I have (intellectual curiosity, introspection, neurodivergence, etc). This self-hatred feeling is just unbearable. I invented the term "trans-typal" because of this. It's like I force myself to be as un- anti-self as possible yet simultaneously not wanting to because the act of forcing yourself to do certain things or not do certain things just for the image even when you are reluctant to is inherently antiself in itself, leaving me completely confused and uncertain as to what I should actually do. I would rather die than be the list above. The more undesirable traits I have and the more "emphasised" they are the worse I feel about myself. I feel like life is meaningless and boring and pointless--- unless I get public transport to a nice location and smoke weed there, that's fun af but it's also too anti-self (my ideal self is content staying indoors all day, maybe with the exception of walking locally sometimes) Seeing my social worker is just the worst. The reminder of the painfully brutally ugly truth, not the comforting lies I tell myself just so I don't [cessation of DNA], I'm at risk of eviction due to not engaging with staff (my typology obsession results in me psychoanalysing everyone and feeling inferior to others because they are more ideal self than I am for whatever reason, that being said I find it difficult to engage with others in any context especially IRL and not the internet because of intense feelings of inferiority), struggling to keep the property tidy (I've always been a messy person), and self-neglect / failing to pay pills on time / etc. It's all my fault. I've dug myself into a hole. How impulsive. How anti-self. I can't help but feel intimidated out of my skin and eventually start breaking into tears sooner or later whenever around my social worker.
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impulsive self-centered impatient extravert but with no friends
Self-Esteem / by camo303xvp
Last post
 23 hours ago
...See more It's okay to be an extravert, no shame in that, after all I get so jealous whenever someone else is really loud and jokes in every sentence. But to be an extravert, especially one with no foresight for the future, yet relatively quiet and with poor social skills that's embarrassing and weird. I want to minimize needs and look as invisible as possible because I personally find that attractive/pretty, yet at the same time if I were given the choice I'd rather be the size of a skyscraper than the size of a can of diet coke? And then I later realised why exactly that is, "simlike" and "sluglike" mean the same thing in the sense that these "non-simlike" people look down on the "sim-like people" in the same way human beings look down on slugs. The truth is so unbearable that even death would be more preferable (providing thingie is indeed the case). If only there were just clones of myself, people that I could actually *** relate to. Maybe that's got something to do with how I find the concept of self-multiplication funny for some unknown reason (identical clones of the exact same person). I feel so lonely yet whenever I try to establish friendships with people I remember from school stalking them on ***/*** idk what to say to them, while away from them I beat myself up for being energised by speaking to them because that's what extraverts are like. But then cringing at myself for doing such a weird autistic thing like that. Hysterical extravert but male and with no friends. What a disgrace. So careless and irresponsible they'll die of self-neglect. So *** hysterical and impulsive (the opposite of how I'd like to be).  I don't like "acting that way sometimes but not all the time". I don't want to act that way at all in the first place. The price you pay for being your anti-self is being happier.  The price you pay for being your ideal self is being sadder. Select one option. I'm jealous of those that deal with feelings of low self-esteem in ways different than I do because it shows they've got better foresight of the consequences than I do. I'm so vulnerable and naive and easy to take advantage of.
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I hate my own personality so much
Self-Esteem / by camo303xvp
Last post
 23 hours ago
...See more so irresponsible, careless, impulsive so hysterical and unable to control their emotions I would rather [d]13 than be a certain way  cries in executive dysfunction cries in allegations from strangers on similar forums of having BPD (evidence = my post history) cries at many MBTI memes, has to install blocking software just so I don't cry my balls off at getting certain results (enneagram is not as nasty to my ego, and is more based than MBTI)
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I want to be minimal and low-key, yet at the same time I'd rather be as big as a skyscraper than the size of a can of diet coke
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 24 hours ago
...See more sometimes, especially when Im stoned af, I realise (with a sense of dread and a very mild feeling of impending doom) all the irreversible damage I'm doing to my body by smoking cigarettes and everything sometimes, however, I feel like becoming addicted to harder drugs, I feel like [censored, but as a euphemism: cessation of DNA] [[lines on flesh], because I'd rather not exist at all than experience the misery that is life. but if the afterlife exists or not, that's a massive factor. I could try researching arguments for and against god(s)'s existence all I want but I will never form a solid conclusion, and to make it even more problematic the more theistic I become the more hate I'll get in an increasingly nihilistic society.
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Checking in
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more For *** sake to just be able to be around my social worker etc without feeling awkward, without breaking into tears pretty much every *** time. to just be able to regulate myself all of the time. Im so *** ashamed of emotional dysregulation. the liquids kicking in but I doubt it properly has yet, in the meantime Im struggling to decide where to travel to to get my steps in. Now im realising maybe this whole "simlike" "sluglike" criticism from my brother corresponding to whatever doomer nihilism the Matrix simulation theory I read on the internet maybe its just a vague illusion and at the end of the day human behaviour and actions are meaningless (but I cant help but believe that that belief, that the way you act and your tastes behaviours etc has got nothing to do with how "sluglike and simlike" you are, is inherently "sluglike and simlike" in itself, inherently discouraging me from believing such a thing) now its kicking in too confused dissociated to think straight like at all I wish I had more acne. I wish I zoned out more. I wish I played more video games. Thats cool af. 
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