Today is a new day
disclaimers and trigger warnings: *extreme ideation* *cPTSD* *CSA trauma* *alcohol* *IFS parts system*
Good morning! Today is a new day. It’s a new life.
I am coming here from everyday check in on 30 day AF thread. I really enjoyed having a space to open up my arms and welcome new day and express the morning thoughts and maybe worries. I don’t have to explain why do I do things. I just want to do this for myself. I feel defensiveness coming up.
As I am writing my disclaimers and trigger warnings, I am noticing how it feels to be setting up a safe space for myself where I do not have to worry about mentioning this or that topic - a disclaimer is a little allowance that creates safety for expression.
I am open to people writing back, commenting (positive and supportive comments are welcome) and doing their checks ins in this thread if they feel so inclined. I know how much it is a struggle sometimes to open up a new thread and it may feel like it does not fit anywhere, or that it will not be welcome. All shares are welcome here (within reason), if you don’t know where to share - this is your space. From myself I can state that I will read the share and respond with a heart, meaning, that you were heard. I am doing this because I wish someone did this for me when I did not feel like there was a space for me. I still sometimes feel this way. And here is my action to help with this. I am all about action today, lol.
As usual, I am waking up in a state of emotional disregulation. First, mg body goes into disregulation and then my mind tries to explain why my body feels this way by creating a story. Today’s story begins with the dog scratching. (She is a German shepherd mix, btw @mytwistedsoul). Do, she is scratching and nipping on herself and I am feeling the anger and dissatisfaction raising up inside me - I am angry at my partner for not taking a better care of the dog. For minimizing her scratching. For not training her properly, the way that I want to train her - and that’s it, my mind is running now, I am in the topic about how my partner is an irresponsible dog father. And I do not know how much of my thoughts are true, because I am noticing that I am thinking about it from the place of pain and not being taken care of emotionally as a child. It is like wherever I look - there it is, a reminder of pain that I carry with me everywhere. I wonder if I can find or build a place for my trauma and heavy past to rest and exist so that I don’t have to carry it around with me wherever I go. Like a trauma shelf. I wonder what will I be without my trauma. Sometimes I think that I am my trauma. And I know that I am not. Some parts of me identify with trauma that I have. I also have non-traumatized and non-burdened parts (in IFS they are called capacities). I have so far 5: intuition, humor, hope, thinking and persistency. Ag the recent retreat there was another one, the sixths capacity that came up and I don’t remember it in a moment. I will look it up later.
I feel like this is good for a first check in. Hopefully it is not too long. I want to check in for 20 minutes in the morning. Maybe I will follow this, maybe I will not - I accept myself either way. Today I checked in for more than 20 minutes and I am proud of myself. Maybe 20 minutes is too long, I will think about it some more. I think just being committed to checking in daily is good enough for this moment. I do my best. And my best is enough.
Thank you.😊
Good… err… I am nursing a hangover today. I stayed up until late and ate food late at night. I spent the night not AF.
I accept myself and my ways of expression of my pain. I did not sign up for this pain to have. I do have it now and I am responsible for it even if it is not mine.
I take a positive step each day. And the steps add up to miles.
@quickwittedCity6060 💜
Good morning universe, me and my friends!
Today is a Friday, a day off so-to-speak for me. I do not have any pre-scheduled meetings, well, except for 1 and that one depends on others availability, too. So, my needs are not necessarily being taken into consideration here - the need to have a day without scheduled events. The week is now done. And the weekend is coming.
I finally talked to a friend last evening. That felt good. I like feeling connected, I wish I would feel this feeling more often.
Today I set the intention to nurture my eyes. Affirmation for the mirror: I love my eyes. Maybe eye massage, eye drops and eye exercises - I would like to make this day about exploring what can I do at home for the health of the eyes and see how I can integrate that into mg days until next Friday. (For 10 days I am taking an eye-nurturing vitamins, so it also makes sense to make it an eye-oriented 10 days).
I feel that I have a part who is very bothered about not having a stable, routine-full job. As I am writing this, I am feeling activation in my body - there is a trailhead for me to follow. I have other parts that are judging myself - so that would be my inner critics. I do not know if I have enough self-energy to address this today. I don’t want to be bothered by my self-criticizing thoughts and feeling shamed by the critic. I do need to validate my own feelings: you do you, girl. If you like not working and don’t feel the need to be working - what does it matter what others say? In the end of the day it is about your own satisfaction with yourself and your life.
Somehow my own validation thoughts do not feel as validating as I would like them to. I do want to have a job. I need to feel safe about communicating with people before I engage in any group activities (like, having a job). The most recent time I was able to hold the job for 3 months before being absolutely kicked out and alienated by the organization that I was working for. It felt traumatizing. It as in 2019, so 4 years later, the pain is still there and close to my heart. Maybe this needs to be addressed. I would love some help with this.
I talked with my IFS coach last night. It was so helpful. I felt good after the meeting. This is how I would like to feel after having therapeutic talks. This reminds me that I need to be sending out more requests for information for therapists. I wonder if I can find someone during the holiday rush - my emotional states do not experience holidays and do not take time off for them. The Emotional States of QuickwittedCity, 😂.
Talking about the holidays - what am I going to make food-wise? There is a request for absolutely no green bean casserole. Maybe some Brussels sprouts and Mac and cheese? Honestly, I feel like I could be discussing this with a friend over the phone. I want to. Maybe I will reach out to people whom I consider to be friendly in my life and see what their plans for holidays are. I am thinking of friends like R., maybe E. (we were friendly for a year and then she stopped responding to texts. Maybe I will just remind to her about myself. Or maybe that is a bad idea… ugh, this is so challenging. I am already feeling discouraged from reaching out to anyone - mg critic is here “what if they don’t like me. If they like me why don’t they answer to my texts?”, etc.)
In one of my groups there are10 people, I am making waves in terms of some kind of Christmas card exchange. So, maybe I will get to send out 10 Christmas cards. J would like that.
Okay. The morning check in feels complete. I hope I did not overshare or said something wrong worthy of judgement. If I did, I forgive myself right now. I accept myself, my circumstances and my life and I enjoy it to the best of my ability. I do what I can. And what I do is enough. I am enough.
@quickwittedCity6060 💜
Good morning, everyone! Friends, listeners, acquaintances, passersby. I am awake now and ready to shine my portion of light onto the Universe. My light and my wisdom is just as good as anybody else’s. I am doing my best. My best is enough.
…and that’s how I can easily make my self esteem not as big as it was before - I am not sure what is happening. I am okay with noticing and observing the processes that are happening inside. I can trust my system, my intuition.
I am finding myself being offended by peoples commentaries in my life. Especially this most current one with the therapist. It is challenging to look for a new therapist. I have worries about how the payments are going to work out. I have worries about how the dynamics with the new therapist going to work out. I if is okay to have worries about reaching out and finding new supportive people in my life.
Today is the day when I planned to do absolutely nothing. Let’s see how that is going to work out.
I did some full-body stretching last night and I am feeling it in my muscles. It feels good. My muscles feel good-sore.
I am still keeping the focus around the eye health for myself. I keep thinking I want to do something that warms up my eyes physically and exercises them to the point where they feel positively tired and well-exercised. I want to give my eyes what they need. Maybe they are as healthy as physically possible at the moment. I am hoping to be able to see what I need when I need it. I do have a fear of becoming blind. It is more of the fear of not being able to see. Maybe I will get to address this part today.
I surround myself with people who add positivity to my life.
@quickwittedCity6060 💜
Merry Christmas. I am noticing that I am not checking in. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is holidays.
How is my Christmas going? I did some ancestral healing as a part of Christmas celebration - that was wonderful and unusual. I figured out that it took at least 30 people to make me- there are 30 people involved in the making of QuickwittedCity and that is just to the 4th generation!
Good day. What are my good thoughts today? Well, I mean, all thoughts are good. Just some of them need to be addressed in a different manner.
Today I am seeking grief support.
I am grieving the loss of support from the previous therapist. I understand that I need to start moving toward finding another one. I do need support. I deserve to be supported. I don’t have to be alone. I don’t have to do it alone.
There are people who can and will understand me, who can see the light inside me and know my inner goodness. I know who I am. I can be present with my pain.