Today is a new day

Good morning, Universe. Today is going to be a good day.

The first thing of the morning - things went off of the routine and I had breakfast without the morning exercise. I plan to exercise maybe later in a day.

After the retreat last week I felt my confidence grow. Now, 3-4 days later, it feels like I am coming back to the old ways.

Went to buy some makeup at the general makeup store and got looked at weirdly - am I too old? Is my hair not good enough? Why are the sales people smiling to others and look with confusion at me? I felt my confidence go down. I want that feeling of being at the retreat and everyone smiling at me and noticing me back. Maybe it is possible for me to feel welcome without those little signs from others - like they notice when I am present or when I am looking at them. They smile at me. I want comfort.

I am noticing other parts active in terms that there were no replies to my posting yesterday. It’s not that I expect replies, or supportive comments - my part surely hopes to receive support. Maybe I am posting in a wrong place. In that case, I want to know where the right place is. Where is the place where I can post and get supportive feedback and feel welcomed and accepted, wanted and needed. The desire of this part is so strong, it physically hurts.

It is okay, I will keep addressing my parts that want to feel included. I am not sure if that will be the focus of my day. To me it seems that the focus of the day is to get back on the tracks of routine. Decide or see what to do about reintroducing moderate drinking. I wonder if that is possible. It feels like I am in a dry spell at the moment and I feel reluctance about drinking. As long as my drinking parts are okay with it - I am okay with it. A challenge here is that I do not have enough emotional presence (self energy) to sit down and address the drinking parts - what are they thinking and feeling in the moment. It is similar to parents not addressing their children’s concerns when big events (like divorce, or moving) happens.

The previous thread had a main theme- 30 days alcohol free. Now there is no major theme and my thoughts seem to be all over the place, which is a good representation of good morning thoughts :) I wonder if Superman wakes up and he has his thoughts in order without journaling :)

I can feel safe. I can feel welcomed. I can feel at peace. I do not have a plan. Maybe I can think of a theme for the next 30 days and create a plan to follow. Hmm. Sounds like a lot of work. I am feeling overwhelmed thinking about this. And how do I feel about living my life 30 days at a time?

I feel like I want to put my thoughts in order. I feel a strong desire to find some plan to adhere to. Having no plan feels chaotic. So, maybe today I will think about a plan. Or, maybe not. I am feeling so afraid. I mean to say that a part of me is feeling so afraid of choosing a wrong plan to follow, a wrong topic to think about in life - “my life depends on my decision”, - this part says. This part puts a lot of weight on the process of decision making. I remember this part being active when I was in grad school.

No, seriously. I need to have some kind of guidance here - if I keep jumping from topic to topic, it will be just more mess in my head. And I want more order. A little mess is okay. Order means safety. I want clarity. Aaaaaaaa…I am feeling my body becoming dysregulated. The heartbeat is going, sweaty palms… Lol! And this is how one can self-induce a panic. J think I am going to go calm my nervous system. By exercise. Resetting vagus nerve. Maybe finding a plan to adhere to. Not having a plan is causing a panic. So, planning part, please help me feel safe again!

@quickwittedCity6060 Thank you for telling me what kind of dog she is :) She sounds like she might be young. I hope things get better with her

“I look for reasons to be grateful everyday”.

Good morning. I am grateful to wake up. I am grateful to wake up in this body. I am grateful for breathing.

Today I have a very busy day. Lots of wonderful opportunities to interact with people, with my thoughts and to express myself. There is a part of me that is tired already and does not want to have such a busy Wednesday - “why are we putting so much effort into this? All the interactions, the healing journey? It does not work and you are just wasting your time and everybody else’s time”. Thank you, critic for sharing your opinion. I am curious to know about this more. I do remember a childhood caregiver telling me to stop bothering other people. Maybe this is the part that is speaking up today, the one that believes that she is not to tell anyone about her endeavors. Talking about that. I want to tell a friend about the retreat. Maybe I will write her an email. Maybe not. This is confusing. I want to tell her. She did tell me before I left that she was interested in hearing about it. So now that I am back and full of emotions and adventures to share - what is preventing me from sharing?… This is a good trailhead to follow.

The drinking does not happen yet. I don’t know why. Maybe it is not time yet. Maybe for another reason. It does worry me a little bit, because I had an agreement with myself for 30 days. And today would be day 38. And I am not back to the usual style of using. Well, I mean, I am not using at all. Besides the one cup there and one sip here- the style of relaxed drinking is not being practiced. I am not placing a judgement upon myself about this. I acknowledge that I have a fear around this topic overall.

The motto of today is to keep on keeping on and be present with my pain. I understand that there is a lot of pain that I live with. Mostly emotional pain. There are subjects that are emotionally dense for me and my body reacts just as I think about them. Maybe today I can start defining those and see if I can build a framework for addressing the dense energies and the fears.

one of the topics is the neighbor. He is already sold his apartment and moved out for 1 month and my body still tenses up thinking about it. Another one is when my dog makes licking noises or scratches - it bothers me to the point of feeling helpless (what can be done about the dog being a dog, lol). I wonder if my childhood caregiver thought similarly about the child me - something along the line when I was around, it was a reminder to him about how he was not the parent that he wanted to be. If feels similar to that with my dog. I feel guilty when I see her and I pull away instead of playing with her, training her, spending time with her. This is another trailhead to follow. I feel shame when I am acknowledging this. Shame is another big topic. Okay. Just acknowledging is maybe enough. I don’t have to solve anything in this very moment. I have the wisdom, skills and time to deal with the challenges that are posed in front of me. I am feeling myself getting overwhelmed. “Where is my drink?”, - a part of me says. And here it is. I remember the style of me coping with life. The old me is still here. I accept the old me. The now me. And the future me. I am love.

Good morning.

My eyesight is getting less good- I am seeing things less clearly. I want to see more clearly.

I am still without a guide in terms of what am I doing, concentrating on for the next 30 days. Maybe just breathing would be good. Maybe breathing with Wim Hof.

In am in a process of switching therapists. Yesterday I sent an email to the current one, saying that I would like to take a 3 months break, due to us discussing more of the theory of how to do therapy than actually doing therapy.

He sent back an agreement letter, also giving me unsolicited advice. I am glad that I uncovered his true attitude and lack of understanding now before trusting him more. Even though I trusted him with a lot of my history. I am feeling sadness. As one of my friends say, he was another frog to kiss - and he did not turn into a beautiful therapist that I can use to be supported by.

In am feeling so alone without having him as a support. I put so many eggs into that basket.

Good morning, universe. Even though today the universe does not seem to be as large as other times. I am feeling betrayal from the psychologist. I trusted him with my vulnerabilities. After I told him that I want to take a break, he took his chance to say that he never liked our therapy and that he was forcing himself to be supportive of me. He then offered some advice and did a forbidden move that hit me below the belt. Well, I am thankful that he did not use a more sensitive topic. It does feel like he was trying to get back at me for something. I feel discouraged from seeking and receiving therapy :(

I don’t want to be by myself. My parts are crying and they want me to find someone supportive immediately. There are prospects for me to follow through with - some are less hopeful, some are more. I am hoping to find a therapist who is trauma-trained (preferably lived experience), cPTSD and EMDR trained, IFS-trained. Honestly,I need a human being who is able to contain their emotions when my strong emotions come up. Who is able to be present when I have a flashback. I would love to work through the traumas that I am dealing with. Through the addiction or whatever this is that is happening with me and alcohol. I need a self-aware person who is working through their own path and who can see the value in me even if I am not healing as quickly as they would like me to heal.

The situations with partner are becoming more tense. I am feeling a lot of resentment being built up around the issues that have been around us for long times. Financial, household fix-ups, dog training, moving - I am noticing how much support I also need around my relationship with partner. I am noticing that my parts take over more often and say mean things. Like, I was not okay with him not putting up the shelf for 2 years - which is pretty much the same thing that psychologist said in his email, that for 2 years he was dissatisfied with our therapy. Poor psychologist. Too bad it took him 2 years and me mentioning taking a break in order to be honest with himself. I am wondering if there is a parallel with my personal life, where I complain to my partner about something that I was not satisfied 2 years.

Today is a day free of meetings (free-day, Fri-day) and the meetings sort of try to creep in - I want more, or maybe a part of me wants more. So today I’m there is - 1 2-hour meeting that I am definitely going to and fully participating and then there are 2 meetings closer to the evening time that happen to fall on the same time slot, so, if one does not work, maybe I will go to another one. Or maybe neither, because it is my day off.

I keep wanting to get more interactions in my daily life, like @mytwistedsoul has invited me to do. Maybe be more of a part of a group, to chat, to interact.

The relationship with the therapist did provide a sense of safety for me. Now without that kind of safety, I am looking to find or make my own safety that I can be more self-reliant.

Today I choose to prioritize my parts. I am determined to be available for my parts this time. I am noticing a lack of safe spaces for me to look within and see which parts are active and who needs my help. As I type, I notice my fear and reluctancy - I don’t want to be doing this by myself. I welcome supportive people into my journey.

Morning.

I am feeling hopeless. What therapist did affected me to the core. I feel demotivated in seeking psychological help. I am noticing that I have less access to the self-energy, and am being more flooded by the parts that are feeling betrayed and hurt. How do you recover from such a thing? When someone you trust goes strictly against what the agreement was. I specifically stated as the relationship was beginning that I don’t need any advice and that I am hurt when advice is given. I have trusted him with disclosing my name change, and he used my previous name in addressing me in the last email. That was painful. I am crying as I am typing this. What is the reason for me to be involved with a person who is deliberately hurting me and I can not do anything about it? I would call my parents at this time to complain and to receive some empathy. Well, this therapist was my parents - k went to him with challenging feelings. And he was there. Well, at least he listened. And now he is telling me that it was all wrong and that he was abusing himself by not giving me advice all of these years.

There is hope for me. Even if I do not see it in the moment. There is a reason for me to be alive. There is a need for me to exist. What to do about this most recent pain - I don’t know yet… maybe some angry yoga. Maybe stomach massage. Vagus nerve reset. Why do I have to be the one who is more mindful? Why can’t I write back an email full of anger and frustration. I can probably hurt him back. Or maybe write a bad review about him. I feel so helpless. The universe will deal with him much better than I ever will. This desire to protect myself from being hurt, to hurt back the person whose actions have hurt me - I am curious about my part. The bullying comes to mind. I do need therapy. I mean, I will be okay without it. It is just a helpful tool in the healing journey - I need supportive people in my life who believe that I am important, that what I do is important and can have enough grace for me to call me by my preferred name. Is that asking for too much?

Today I pray for myself because I don’t have the strength to pray for others. Wait, I can pray for the therapist whose actions have hurt me. Please, forgive him for knows he not of his deeds.

Just because he does not know how much his actions are hurting me does not make my pain smaller or more bearable. I want to alleviate my pain. I almost want to find a rebound therapist - just someone to stand in before I find someone else. Being by myself emotionally is not very bearable. Please help me, Universe. One breath at a time. I am not going to some of the appointments that I have planned for myself. Maybe I need to self care now more than other times. My self care would include him apologizing perfusely and providing feee therapy until my hurt parts are not hurt anymore. He needs to fix what his actions have broken.

What is good for today? Well, wine is available. No rules are in place. And cigarettes are available too. And I can move freely. And I can set up the item-selling situation for myself. There is a lot of dog items that are new that can be sold for a good price. I just need to find some motivation. Some inner peace. Some desire to do the work that can be done. It is as easy as cutting a tomato for a morning tofu scramble event. At the same time it is so challenging. The self-esteem is so not high at the moment. I am finding myself doubting myself, my thoughts, my abilities. Maybe this could be a good time to be finding personal friends that can catch me when I need to be caught. Well, who wants to be friends with a person who is affected by trauma in a daily basis? Oh, wait, I am. I am married to someone who is affected by his adverse childhood. Daily. Just last night I stayed up with him up late at night when he felt like he could not sleep. So, if I exist, a kind-hearted person with the ability to support and understand others, that means that there are others like me. Or, maybe there is something absolutely wrong with me - because why else even a therapist is not able to find a common language with me? Why do I keep meeting abusive people who do not think that they are abusive. Interaction with whom leaves me in ruins. I wonder what scenario from the past do I keep replaying over and over again.

Today I accept what is and breathe in peace and breathing out hatred, disappointment and sadness. I invite space into my system so that I can see my situation more clearly. I am in a good place to be. I am a good person. I deserve to exist. I deserve to have supportive people in my life. I can have supportive people in my life. I don’t have to suffer alone. There are people who can and will understand and support me. I am open to meeting the people who are willing to be in my life and help me go through it in a safe and comfortable manner. I love myself. I deserve to be loved. I am lovable.

Good morning. Today is the new day.

I am noticing myself being depressed and down. Coming out of relationships is leaving my parts feeling unwanted, abandoned, not supported. Today is Monday. I can be a better person today.

The dog is nipping at herself. Maybe she has fleas. We took her to the vet. The vet says that she is very healthy and happy - at least that’s what my partner tells me. I have distanced myself from interactions with the dog because of the discrepancy between what my partner says (that she is healthy) and what the dog does (she is nipping at herself). This situation bothers me. What can I do to address this? When I bring the issue up, partner feels like he is not believed, closes down and stonewalls. This topic seems to be stronger that what I can be dealing with at the moment.

Today I am thinking to make some phone calls to prospective therapists. I need to have someone supportive in my side.

I am also volunteering today. Sometimes listening and helping someone else helps me to feel valuable and needed also.

It really sucks that I have cPTSD. Shall I get it diagnosed and stop trying to lead a “normal”, non-cPTSD-affected lifestyle? I am tired of trying to make things work. - says my part. There is a part of me that is tired of trying to make things work. I need to find kind supportive words for myself.

Okay. So, so finding therapist, what are my questions to them? I want them them to be EMDR-trained for 3 years. Is that too much to ask, right off the bat? CPTSD and Trauma trained. Attachment therapy knowledgeable, I need help with interpersonal relationships. I have so many needs - is there a person to meet these needs?

One small step at a time. I set myself a goal to look at 5 therapist profiles and maybe set initial apportionments or… I am feeling myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about this. It is okay. 5 profiles. 1 phone call. Maybe a reward at the end of the day. Drinking reward. … I am feeling feelings around typing this. I am okay. The firefighters (protectors in IFS language) know how to protect me from the pain. My task is to develop a relationship with them. I can find relevant help for myself. Right now I am a clean slate and I can build a new support network and new schedule overall.

I can be better. The affirmation that popped up just now is “I am wildly happy in this moment”. Well, I can not agree with this statement for this particular moment. How about this “I am not unhappy in this moment”. This one describes my situation better for right now.

Today is the new day, new beginning. I accept myself. I love myself. All parts are welcome. 🤗

Good morning to me and to the Universe.

Just because one person (therapist) is not able to support me the way that I need, others can.

I drank some wine yesterday. Did I feel good yesterday? It felt okay, nothing too special or to write home about. Waking up with a slight headache. Maybe I just need to let this time pass.

The Mercury is in retrograde until Jan 1st. When this happens, human relationships become all discombobulated. So, if to think aligned with the stars- it is best to not engage in new relationships until the 1st and use this time for self-reflection. Good thing that I am an introvert - self-reflection is actually a vivid interesting experience.

This morning I am planning to do an exercise of writing out my worries and regrets. Followed by 20 minutes of meditation. Hopefully it will help me to alleviate my suffering.

I made a very tasty dish yesterday- long eggplants in sweet chili sauce with cous cous on the side. I liked the flavor, some pieces of eggplant were not cooked all the way- so for the next time I need to make sure to cook the eggplant more evenly. That’s how I spent the evening last night. Cooking eggplants.

I did make couple phone-calls to therapists. If felt like I was doing cold-calling, so in the end I resorted to sending out 5 emails requesting an informal meeting to see if we would be a good fit to work together. I did as I promised. The level of inner trust increased. (Also, the brag-meter, 😂)

Well, I am ready to start my morning and see which opportunities the day will bring. I am ready to be healed. I am ready to be better. I am ready to have supportive understanding people in my life.

Good morning, universe. Today is going to be a good day.

As I am waking up, a thought of papaya and vegan cheese on a toothpick combination comes to mind - I wonder how that would work together.

I did not drink yesterday. Maybe I can try to drink one day and not drink the next day - I wonder how that would work. That would cut the drinking days from 360 to 180. What a notice-able difference! I am not confident that this is what I would like to be doing though.

*** is a tight morning for me as I need to prepare breakfast before going for an early group discussion of living with trauma and navigating the world using IFS and NVC techniques. I like this group discussion and it also gives a chance to speak with a random person empathically. And I am all about talking to people and collaborating, co-creating, just doing things together.

I shared with someone yesterday that one of my “firefighting” activities is drinking. I did not check to see how they reacted. Honestly, I did not even check the water before diving in. I am now understanding that maybe I need to be less blunt about it and talk about my friend, who drinks a lot in order to cope with trauma. She is a good gal, though. I don’t know. It sounds manipulative to me. Which is a judgement, therefore, it is a good trailhead to follow. Maybe today.

What self-care activity would I like to do today? I have found a list of 134 self-care activities. Maybe I can loosely follow that list and do one thing per day for myself. I have seen a prompt of “choose 1 thing that you were going to do and do it so that you can cross it off the to-do list”. I have 2 of such activities - a forum post (maybe due for 5 months) and an anger-vase (this project I have been working on for about a year). So, my hands are full with just these two things to finish up.

I attract only the best into my life because I deserve the best.