Today is a new day

Good morning, Universe. Today is going to be a good day.

The first thing of the morning - things went off of the routine and I had breakfast without the morning exercise. I plan to exercise maybe later in a day.

After the retreat last week I felt my confidence grow. Now, 3-4 days later, it feels like I am coming back to the old ways.

Went to buy some makeup at the general makeup store and got looked at weirdly - am I too old? Is my hair not good enough? Why are the sales people smiling to others and look with confusion at me? I felt my confidence go down. I want that feeling of being at the retreat and everyone smiling at me and noticing me back. Maybe it is possible for me to feel welcome without those little signs from others - like they notice when I am present or when I am looking at them. They smile at me. I want comfort.

I am noticing other parts active in terms that there were no replies to my posting yesterday. It’s not that I expect replies, or supportive comments - my part surely hopes to receive support. Maybe I am posting in a wrong place. In that case, I want to know where the right place is. Where is the place where I can post and get supportive feedback and feel welcomed and accepted, wanted and needed. The desire of this part is so strong, it physically hurts.

It is okay, I will keep addressing my parts that want to feel included. I am not sure if that will be the focus of my day. To me it seems that the focus of the day is to get back on the tracks of routine. Decide or see what to do about reintroducing moderate drinking. I wonder if that is possible. It feels like I am in a dry spell at the moment and I feel reluctance about drinking. As long as my drinking parts are okay with it - I am okay with it. A challenge here is that I do not have enough emotional presence (self energy) to sit down and address the drinking parts - what are they thinking and feeling in the moment. It is similar to parents not addressing their children’s concerns when big events (like divorce, or moving) happens.

The previous thread had a main theme- 30 days alcohol free. Now there is no major theme and my thoughts seem to be all over the place, which is a good representation of good morning thoughts :) I wonder if Superman wakes up and he has his thoughts in order without journaling :)

I can feel safe. I can feel welcomed. I can feel at peace. I do not have a plan. Maybe I can think of a theme for the next 30 days and create a plan to follow. Hmm. Sounds like a lot of work. I am feeling overwhelmed thinking about this. And how do I feel about living my life 30 days at a time?

I feel like I want to put my thoughts in order. I feel a strong desire to find some plan to adhere to. Having no plan feels chaotic. So, maybe today I will think about a plan. Or, maybe not. I am feeling so afraid. I mean to say that a part of me is feeling so afraid of choosing a wrong plan to follow, a wrong topic to think about in life - “my life depends on my decision”, - this part says. This part puts a lot of weight on the process of decision making. I remember this part being active when I was in grad school.

No, seriously. I need to have some kind of guidance here - if I keep jumping from topic to topic, it will be just more mess in my head. And I want more order. A little mess is okay. Order means safety. I want clarity. Aaaaaaaa…I am feeling my body becoming dysregulated. The heartbeat is going, sweaty palms… Lol! And this is how one can self-induce a panic. J think I am going to go calm my nervous system. By exercise. Resetting vagus nerve. Maybe finding a plan to adhere to. Not having a plan is causing a panic. So, planning part, please help me feel safe again!

@quickwittedCity6060 Thank you for telling me what kind of dog she is :) She sounds like she might be young. I hope things get better with her

“I look for reasons to be grateful everyday”.

Good morning. I am grateful to wake up. I am grateful to wake up in this body. I am grateful for breathing.

Today I have a very busy day. Lots of wonderful opportunities to interact with people, with my thoughts and to express myself. There is a part of me that is tired already and does not want to have such a busy Wednesday - “why are we putting so much effort into this? All the interactions, the healing journey? It does not work and you are just wasting your time and everybody else’s time”. Thank you, critic for sharing your opinion. I am curious to know about this more. I do remember a childhood caregiver telling me to stop bothering other people. Maybe this is the part that is speaking up today, the one that believes that she is not to tell anyone about her endeavors. Talking about that. I want to tell a friend about the retreat. Maybe I will write her an email. Maybe not. This is confusing. I want to tell her. She did tell me before I left that she was interested in hearing about it. So now that I am back and full of emotions and adventures to share - what is preventing me from sharing?… This is a good trailhead to follow.

The drinking does not happen yet. I don’t know why. Maybe it is not time yet. Maybe for another reason. It does worry me a little bit, because I had an agreement with myself for 30 days. And today would be day 38. And I am not back to the usual style of using. Well, I mean, I am not using at all. Besides the one cup there and one sip here- the style of relaxed drinking is not being practiced. I am not placing a judgement upon myself about this. I acknowledge that I have a fear around this topic overall.

The motto of today is to keep on keeping on and be present with my pain. I understand that there is a lot of pain that I live with. Mostly emotional pain. There are subjects that are emotionally dense for me and my body reacts just as I think about them. Maybe today I can start defining those and see if I can build a framework for addressing the dense energies and the fears.

one of the topics is the neighbor. He is already sold his apartment and moved out for 1 month and my body still tenses up thinking about it. Another one is when my dog makes licking noises or scratches - it bothers me to the point of feeling helpless (what can be done about the dog being a dog, lol). I wonder if my childhood caregiver thought similarly about the child me - something along the line when I was around, it was a reminder to him about how he was not the parent that he wanted to be. If feels similar to that with my dog. I feel guilty when I see her and I pull away instead of playing with her, training her, spending time with her. This is another trailhead to follow. I feel shame when I am acknowledging this. Shame is another big topic. Okay. Just acknowledging is maybe enough. I don’t have to solve anything in this very moment. I have the wisdom, skills and time to deal with the challenges that are posed in front of me. I am feeling myself getting overwhelmed. “Where is my drink?”, - a part of me says. And here it is. I remember the style of me coping with life. The old me is still here. I accept the old me. The now me. And the future me. I am love.

Good morning.

My eyesight is getting less good- I am seeing things less clearly. I want to see more clearly.

I am still without a guide in terms of what am I doing, concentrating on for the next 30 days. Maybe just breathing would be good. Maybe breathing with Wim Hof.

In am in a process of switching therapists. Yesterday I sent an email to the current one, saying that I would like to take a 3 months break, due to us discussing more of the theory of how to do therapy than actually doing therapy.

He sent back an agreement letter, also giving me unsolicited advice. I am glad that I uncovered his true attitude and lack of understanding now before trusting him more. Even though I trusted him with a lot of my history. I am feeling sadness. As one of my friends say, he was another frog to kiss - and he did not turn into a beautiful therapist that I can use to be supported by.

In am feeling so alone without having him as a support. I put so many eggs into that basket.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning, universe. Even though today the universe does not seem to be as large as other times. I am feeling betrayal from the psychologist. I trusted him with my vulnerabilities. After I told him that I want to take a break, he took his chance to say that he never liked our therapy and that he was forcing himself to be supportive of me. He then offered some advice and did a forbidden move that hit me below the belt. Well, I am thankful that he did not use a more sensitive topic. It does feel like he was trying to get back at me for something. I feel discouraged from seeking and receiving therapy :(

I don’t want to be by myself. My parts are crying and they want me to find someone supportive immediately. There are prospects for me to follow through with - some are less hopeful, some are more. I am hoping to find a therapist who is trauma-trained (preferably lived experience), cPTSD and EMDR trained, IFS-trained. Honestly,I need a human being who is able to contain their emotions when my strong emotions come up. Who is able to be present when I have a flashback. I would love to work through the traumas that I am dealing with. Through the addiction or whatever this is that is happening with me and alcohol. I need a self-aware person who is working through their own path and who can see the value in me even if I am not healing as quickly as they would like me to heal.

The situations with partner are becoming more tense. I am feeling a lot of resentment being built up around the issues that have been around us for long times. Financial, household fix-ups, dog training, moving - I am noticing how much support I also need around my relationship with partner. I am noticing that my parts take over more often and say mean things. Like, I was not okay with him not putting up the shelf for 2 years - which is pretty much the same thing that psychologist said in his email, that for 2 years he was dissatisfied with our therapy. Poor psychologist. Too bad it took him 2 years and me mentioning taking a break in order to be honest with himself. I am wondering if there is a parallel with my personal life, where I complain to my partner about something that I was not satisfied 2 years.

Today is a day free of meetings (free-day, Fri-day) and the meetings sort of try to creep in - I want more, or maybe a part of me wants more. So today I’m there is - 1 2-hour meeting that I am definitely going to and fully participating and then there are 2 meetings closer to the evening time that happen to fall on the same time slot, so, if one does not work, maybe I will go to another one. Or maybe neither, because it is my day off.

I keep wanting to get more interactions in my daily life, like @mytwistedsoul has invited me to do. Maybe be more of a part of a group, to chat, to interact.

The relationship with the therapist did provide a sense of safety for me. Now without that kind of safety, I am looking to find or make my own safety that I can be more self-reliant.

Today I choose to prioritize my parts. I am determined to be available for my parts this time. I am noticing a lack of safe spaces for me to look within and see which parts are active and who needs my help. As I type, I notice my fear and reluctancy - I don’t want to be doing this by myself. I welcome supportive people into my journey.

@quickwittedCity6060 Ouch. That really sucks to be blunt. I'm sorry to hear that you gave two years to a therapist - to build trust and a sort of relationship with him to have him use your wanting to take a break as his escape route. That's really lousy of him. It's so hard to build trust to begin with and then when it turns out it was misplaced - it's no wonder you feel discouraged 

Good morning.

I am waking up feeling betrayed by the therapist. He does not seem to be working on himself and his personal issues. It is like dating someone for 2 years, then asking for a break and then saying: “well, I did not like you anyway”. This interferes with my desire to trust. To trust again. I want to trust. I was building the relationship. Was he? Or was he holding back and then now he is telling me how abused he felt in our therapist-client relationship? What about the passive-aggressive letter where he says “thank you, let me give you some advice”. When he specifically agreed that I did not need any advice from him. And then, calling me by the name that I asked him not to call me - this action is causing me a lot of frustration and pain. I thought that he understood where I was coming from, about my choice of name and me asking him to not give me any advice. Now I feel like he is pulling the card of “I have power, I am a therapist” and I have no rights to speak back or tell him how hurtful his comments are. How much they make me cry. I am hurt. I am upset. I am surprised that I am not turning to wine in this situation. I want to feel safe before I let myself drink freely. Actually, I do not know where this thought is coming from - that is another great opportunity for following a trailhead. As long as I am able to be emotionally present for myself.

Meanwhile, here is my life that I care about very much. This is my morning. An oatmeal with raisins and blood-warming exercise are awaiting for me. I open myself up to new interactions, new possibilities. Maybe making steps towards finding a therapist to support me on my journey. Or will it be better to wait a little..? This is unfortunate. I feel sad for myself. I deserve to have decent respectful people in my life.

Today is the new day, the new beginning. The universe is guiding me to where I need to be. I need to be there without this previous therapist, otherwise he would have stayed. I am glad that I exited the situation when I did while I am safe. I am safe. I am important. I matter.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Morning.

I am feeling hopeless. What therapist did affected me to the core. I feel demotivated in seeking psychological help. I am noticing that I have less access to the self-energy, and am being more flooded by the parts that are feeling betrayed and hurt. How do you recover from such a thing? When someone you trust goes strictly against what the agreement was. I specifically stated as the relationship was beginning that I don’t need any advice and that I am hurt when advice is given. I have trusted him with disclosing my name change, and he used my previous name in addressing me in the last email. That was painful. I am crying as I am typing this. What is the reason for me to be involved with a person who is deliberately hurting me and I can not do anything about it? I would call my parents at this time to complain and to receive some empathy. Well, this therapist was my parents - k went to him with challenging feelings. And he was there. Well, at least he listened. And now he is telling me that it was all wrong and that he was abusing himself by not giving me advice all of these years.

There is hope for me. Even if I do not see it in the moment. There is a reason for me to be alive. There is a need for me to exist. What to do about this most recent pain - I don’t know yet… maybe some angry yoga. Maybe stomach massage. Vagus nerve reset. Why do I have to be the one who is more mindful? Why can’t I write back an email full of anger and frustration. I can probably hurt him back. Or maybe write a bad review about him. I feel so helpless. The universe will deal with him much better than I ever will. This desire to protect myself from being hurt, to hurt back the person whose actions have hurt me - I am curious about my part. The bullying comes to mind. I do need therapy. I mean, I will be okay without it. It is just a helpful tool in the healing journey - I need supportive people in my life who believe that I am important, that what I do is important and can have enough grace for me to call me by my preferred name. Is that asking for too much?

Today I pray for myself because I don’t have the strength to pray for others. Wait, I can pray for the therapist whose actions have hurt me. Please, forgive him for knows he not of his deeds.

Just because he does not know how much his actions are hurting me does not make my pain smaller or more bearable. I want to alleviate my pain. I almost want to find a rebound therapist - just someone to stand in before I find someone else. Being by myself emotionally is not very bearable. Please help me, Universe. One breath at a time. I am not going to some of the appointments that I have planned for myself. Maybe I need to self care now more than other times. My self care would include him apologizing perfusely and providing feee therapy until my hurt parts are not hurt anymore. He needs to fix what his actions have broken.

What is good for today? Well, wine is available. No rules are in place. And cigarettes are available too. And I can move freely. And I can set up the item-selling situation for myself. There is a lot of dog items that are new that can be sold for a good price. I just need to find some motivation. Some inner peace. Some desire to do the work that can be done. It is as easy as cutting a tomato for a morning tofu scramble event. At the same time it is so challenging. The self-esteem is so not high at the moment. I am finding myself doubting myself, my thoughts, my abilities. Maybe this could be a good time to be finding personal friends that can catch me when I need to be caught. Well, who wants to be friends with a person who is affected by trauma in a daily basis? Oh, wait, I am. I am married to someone who is affected by his adverse childhood. Daily. Just last night I stayed up with him up late at night when he felt like he could not sleep. So, if I exist, a kind-hearted person with the ability to support and understand others, that means that there are others like me. Or, maybe there is something absolutely wrong with me - because why else even a therapist is not able to find a common language with me? Why do I keep meeting abusive people who do not think that they are abusive. Interaction with whom leaves me in ruins. I wonder what scenario from the past do I keep replaying over and over again.

Today I accept what is and breathe in peace and breathing out hatred, disappointment and sadness. I invite space into my system so that I can see my situation more clearly. I am in a good place to be. I am a good person. I deserve to exist. I deserve to have supportive people in my life. I can have supportive people in my life. I don’t have to suffer alone. There are people who can and will understand and support me. I am open to meeting the people who are willing to be in my life and help me go through it in a safe and comfortable manner. I love myself. I deserve to be loved. I am lovable.

@quickwittedCity6060 What if you would write a letter to him? It wouldn't have to be sent but I think it would be within your rights to let him know how he let you down if you did decide to send it to him

I think it is a good idea. 👍

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning. Today is the new day.

I am noticing myself being depressed and down. Coming out of relationships is leaving my parts feeling unwanted, abandoned, not supported. Today is Monday. I can be a better person today.

The dog is nipping at herself. Maybe she has fleas. We took her to the vet. The vet says that she is very healthy and happy - at least that’s what my partner tells me. I have distanced myself from interactions with the dog because of the discrepancy between what my partner says (that she is healthy) and what the dog does (she is nipping at herself). This situation bothers me. What can I do to address this? When I bring the issue up, partner feels like he is not believed, closes down and stonewalls. This topic seems to be stronger that what I can be dealing with at the moment.

Today I am thinking to make some phone calls to prospective therapists. I need to have someone supportive in my side.

I am also volunteering today. Sometimes listening and helping someone else helps me to feel valuable and needed also.

It really sucks that I have cPTSD. Shall I get it diagnosed and stop trying to lead a “normal”, non-cPTSD-affected lifestyle? I am tired of trying to make things work. - says my part. There is a part of me that is tired of trying to make things work. I need to find kind supportive words for myself.

Okay. So, so finding therapist, what are my questions to them? I want them them to be EMDR-trained for 3 years. Is that too much to ask, right off the bat? CPTSD and Trauma trained. Attachment therapy knowledgeable, I need help with interpersonal relationships. I have so many needs - is there a person to meet these needs?

One small step at a time. I set myself a goal to look at 5 therapist profiles and maybe set initial apportionments or… I am feeling myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about this. It is okay. 5 profiles. 1 phone call. Maybe a reward at the end of the day. Drinking reward. … I am feeling feelings around typing this. I am okay. The firefighters (protectors in IFS language) know how to protect me from the pain. My task is to develop a relationship with them. I can find relevant help for myself. Right now I am a clean slate and I can build a new support network and new schedule overall.

I can be better. The affirmation that popped up just now is “I am wildly happy in this moment”. Well, I can not agree with this statement for this particular moment. How about this “I am not unhappy in this moment”. This one describes my situation better for right now.

Today is the new day, new beginning. I accept myself. I love myself. All parts are welcome. 🤗

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning to me and to the Universe.

Just because one person (therapist) is not able to support me the way that I need, others can.

I drank some wine yesterday. Did I feel good yesterday? It felt okay, nothing too special or to write home about. Waking up with a slight headache. Maybe I just need to let this time pass.

The Mercury is in retrograde until Jan 1st. When this happens, human relationships become all discombobulated. So, if to think aligned with the stars- it is best to not engage in new relationships until the 1st and use this time for self-reflection. Good thing that I am an introvert - self-reflection is actually a vivid interesting experience.

This morning I am planning to do an exercise of writing out my worries and regrets. Followed by 20 minutes of meditation. Hopefully it will help me to alleviate my suffering.

I made a very tasty dish yesterday- long eggplants in sweet chili sauce with cous cous on the side. I liked the flavor, some pieces of eggplant were not cooked all the way- so for the next time I need to make sure to cook the eggplant more evenly. That’s how I spent the evening last night. Cooking eggplants.

I did make couple phone-calls to therapists. If felt like I was doing cold-calling, so in the end I resorted to sending out 5 emails requesting an informal meeting to see if we would be a good fit to work together. I did as I promised. The level of inner trust increased. (Also, the brag-meter, 😂)

Well, I am ready to start my morning and see which opportunities the day will bring. I am ready to be healed. I am ready to be better. I am ready to have supportive understanding people in my life.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning, universe. Today is going to be a good day.

As I am waking up, a thought of papaya and vegan cheese on a toothpick combination comes to mind - I wonder how that would work together.

I did not drink yesterday. Maybe I can try to drink one day and not drink the next day - I wonder how that would work. That would cut the drinking days from 360 to 180. What a notice-able difference! I am not confident that this is what I would like to be doing though.

*** is a tight morning for me as I need to prepare breakfast before going for an early group discussion of living with trauma and navigating the world using IFS and NVC techniques. I like this group discussion and it also gives a chance to speak with a random person empathically. And I am all about talking to people and collaborating, co-creating, just doing things together.

I shared with someone yesterday that one of my “firefighting” activities is drinking. I did not check to see how they reacted. Honestly, I did not even check the water before diving in. I am now understanding that maybe I need to be less blunt about it and talk about my friend, who drinks a lot in order to cope with trauma. She is a good gal, though. I don’t know. It sounds manipulative to me. Which is a judgement, therefore, it is a good trailhead to follow. Maybe today.

What self-care activity would I like to do today? I have found a list of 134 self-care activities. Maybe I can loosely follow that list and do one thing per day for myself. I have seen a prompt of “choose 1 thing that you were going to do and do it so that you can cross it off the to-do list”. I have 2 of such activities - a forum post (maybe due for 5 months) and an anger-vase (this project I have been working on for about a year). So, my hands are full with just these two things to finish up.

I attract only the best into my life because I deserve the best.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good… err… I am nursing a hangover today. I stayed up until late and ate food late at night. I spent the night not AF.

I accept myself and my ways of expression of my pain. I did not sign up for this pain to have. I do have it now and I am responsible for it even if it is not mine.

I take a positive step each day. And the steps add up to miles.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning universe, me and my friends!

Today is a Friday, a day off so-to-speak for me. I do not have any pre-scheduled meetings, well, except for 1 and that one depends on others availability, too. So, my needs are not necessarily being taken into consideration here - the need to have a day without scheduled events. The week is now done. And the weekend is coming.

I finally talked to a friend last evening. That felt good. I like feeling connected, I wish I would feel this feeling more often.

Today I set the intention to nurture my eyes. Affirmation for the mirror: I love my eyes. Maybe eye massage, eye drops and eye exercises - I would like to make this day about exploring what can I do at home for the health of the eyes and see how I can integrate that into mg days until next Friday. (For 10 days I am taking an eye-nurturing vitamins, so it also makes sense to make it an eye-oriented 10 days).

I feel that I have a part who is very bothered about not having a stable, routine-full job. As I am writing this, I am feeling activation in my body - there is a trailhead for me to follow. I have other parts that are judging myself - so that would be my inner critics. I do not know if I have enough self-energy to address this today. I don’t want to be bothered by my self-criticizing thoughts and feeling shamed by the critic. I do need to validate my own feelings: you do you, girl. If you like not working and don’t feel the need to be working - what does it matter what others say? In the end of the day it is about your own satisfaction with yourself and your life.

Somehow my own validation thoughts do not feel as validating as I would like them to. I do want to have a job. I need to feel safe about communicating with people before I engage in any group activities (like, having a job). The most recent time I was able to hold the job for 3 months before being absolutely kicked out and alienated by the organization that I was working for. It felt traumatizing. It as in 2019, so 4 years later, the pain is still there and close to my heart. Maybe this needs to be addressed. I would love some help with this.

I talked with my IFS coach last night. It was so helpful. I felt good after the meeting. This is how I would like to feel after having therapeutic talks. This reminds me that I need to be sending out more requests for information for therapists. I wonder if I can find someone during the holiday rush - my emotional states do not experience holidays and do not take time off for them. The Emotional States of QuickwittedCity, 😂.

Talking about the holidays - what am I going to make food-wise? There is a request for absolutely no green bean casserole. Maybe some Brussels sprouts and Mac and cheese? Honestly, I feel like I could be discussing this with a friend over the phone. I want to. Maybe I will reach out to people whom I consider to be friendly in my life and see what their plans for holidays are. I am thinking of friends like R., maybe E. (we were friendly for a year and then she stopped responding to texts. Maybe I will just remind to her about myself. Or maybe that is a bad idea… ugh, this is so challenging. I am already feeling discouraged from reaching out to anyone - mg critic is here “what if they don’t like me. If they like me why don’t they answer to my texts?”, etc.)

In one of my groups there are10 people, I am making waves in terms of some kind of Christmas card exchange. So, maybe I will get to send out 10 Christmas cards. J would like that.

Okay. The morning check in feels complete. I hope I did not overshare or said something wrong worthy of judgement. If I did, I forgive myself right now. I accept myself, my circumstances and my life and I enjoy it to the best of my ability. I do what I can. And what I do is enough. I am enough.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Good morning, everyone! Friends, listeners, acquaintances, passersby. I am awake now and ready to shine my portion of light onto the Universe. My light and my wisdom is just as good as anybody else’s. I am doing my best. My best is enough.

…and that’s how I can easily make my self esteem not as big as it was before - I am not sure what is happening. I am okay with noticing and observing the processes that are happening inside. I can trust my system, my intuition.

I am finding myself being offended by peoples commentaries in my life. Especially this most current one with the therapist. It is challenging to look for a new therapist. I have worries about how the payments are going to work out. I have worries about how the dynamics with the new therapist going to work out. I if is okay to have worries about reaching out and finding new supportive people in my life.

Today is the day when I planned to do absolutely nothing. Let’s see how that is going to work out.

I did some full-body stretching last night and I am feeling it in my muscles. It feels good. My muscles feel good-sore.

I am still keeping the focus around the eye health for myself. I keep thinking I want to do something that warms up my eyes physically and exercises them to the point where they feel positively tired and well-exercised. I want to give my eyes what they need. Maybe they are as healthy as physically possible at the moment. I am hoping to be able to see what I need when I need it. I do have a fear of becoming blind. It is more of the fear of not being able to see. Maybe I will get to address this part today.

I surround myself with people who add positivity to my life.

@quickwittedCity6060 💜

Merry Christmas. I am noticing that I am not checking in. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is holidays.

How is my Christmas going? I did some ancestral healing as a part of Christmas celebration - that was wonderful and unusual. I figured out that it took at least 30 people to make me- there are 30 people involved in the making of QuickwittedCity and that is just to the 4th generation!

Good day. What are my good thoughts today? Well, I mean, all thoughts are good. Just some of them need to be addressed in a different manner.

Today I am seeking grief support.

I am grieving the loss of support from the previous therapist. I understand that I need to start moving toward finding another one. I do need support. I deserve to be supported. I don’t have to be alone. I don’t have to do it alone.

There are people who can and will understand me, who can see the light inside me and know my inner goodness. I know who I am. I can be present with my pain.