writing space

writing methods i use but haven't described yet:

1) whiteboard

have a whiteboard, jot all of my shorthand stuff onto there, draw lines between things, organize into clusters, etc. copy everything to notepad and repeat until i have a model i like.

2) transcription

open up audacity and record myself talking, listen back (usually sped up by 60-80% to save time) and jot notes in notepad. repeat until i feel satisfied.

3) lists

list as many things as i can that i'm worried about, usually in shorthand. usually try to do this in groups of 5 (i.e. don't stop listing unless if i have a number of items that's divisible by 5). when i reach saturation (i.e. run out of things to list), i try to group items together, eliminate duplicates, and identify clusters; good for creating models from scratch.

Want to try something I've never done before, which is to imagine a sort of chatroom with characters for all of the elements of myself, prospective activities, current activities, etc.

[chatroom created!]
[sound joined the chat]
[theory joined chat]
sound: hello
theory: hi
sound: i feel musical notes at my forehead
[energy joined the chat]
energy: you're just tired
[sexuality joined the chat]
sexuality: would the notes be helpful for my stuff?
energy: sexuality, i have a bone to pick with you
sexuality: okay
energy: you're ruining everything
[work joined the chat]
[7cups joined the chat]
7cups: i don't know about that
[exercise joined the chat]
theory: lol, it's a party
theory: just all the more disembodied spirits to twist into models
[chaos joined the chat]
[playful joined the chat]
theory: okay, i guess i'll be the leader then
chaos: not if i have anything to do with it ;)
theory: well, you're not really doing much are you?
work: just to clarify, i'm not on either side
work: i'm doing what i'm supposed to either way
work: you guys can have fun arguing if you want, lol
[social joined the chat]
[hobbies joined the chat]
energy: oh but i mean, don't you have an easier time when i'm on point?
[voice joined the chat]
[body joined the chat]
energy: oh s***, body's here--the bigwigs have arrived
body: [grin] yeah that's right, show some respect, lol
body: j/k
theory: um, so what the heck are we doing?
theory: all [counts list] 13 of us?
theory: is that everyone?
[safety joined the chat]
chaos: hi safety
safety: hello
[softness joined the chat]
[genderdysphoria joined the chat]
theory: nice name, lol
genderdysphoria: yup, what's there not to like, haha
theory: okay, and playful's already here...
playful: meow, i'm a little kitty ^_^
[genderdysphoria changed their name to gender]
gender: [tickles playful]
[goth joined the chat]
playful: eek... [turns into a 100-foot dragon and accidentally steps on gender] oops
gender: [stepped on] oh, oh well. so it goes.
theory: [clears throat] can we stay on-topic?
chaos: of course... oh fearless leader. ;)
playful: i wanna be... SUNNY! [puts on sunglasses] lol
theory: um, i think to make this a little easier, we should first sort of divide ourselves into teams
playful: oh, are we going to have a war? :P
playful: [pretends to be bloodthirsty] meow, i'm super scary...
theory: i've been keeping track of everyone who has joined by the time in which they joined, and here is the current list:

sound, theory, energy, sexuality, work, 7cups, exercise, chaos, playful, social, hobbies, voice, body, safety, softness, gender, goth

chaos: @_@
theory: my thought is that we go one at a time, in order, and just give one concern each. alright?
[aggression joined the chat]
theory: so, sound you start
sound: i wanna be an a-flat at eye level with lines extending down to the stomach
playful: [applause] you're amazing :P i couldn't said it better
playful: why isn't stomach in the chat?
sexuality: i ate stomach
playful: oh... scaryyyy.... sexuality, did i say hi to you yet?
work: [rolls eyes]
theory: c'mon guys, let's stay focused
theory: so, my concern is that i want us to know what the heck we're doing
theory: energy, you're next
energy: everything is s***. y'all are destroying me. i don't know how the heck you're getting by without me.
sexuality: i'm pretty confused. i was doing fine, and then 7cups decided to start blabbing about me. and now i get these warm chills that weren't happening before. and like energy said, things are really haywire. though they were pretty bad before.
work: i'm getting messed up, but it's okay i guess.
[expression joined the chat]
[altruism joined the chat]
7cups: i'm confused but i guess i'm finding new things. i want to be patient. so much has happened in the past week.
exercise: you guys keep saying you're going to engage with me, but you never do. and i guess that's understandable. but i just wonder where i fit into all of this. i think i have beef with 7cups and sexuality.
energy: yeah, i really need exercise. sleep and food aren't cutting it. but mainly sexuality is messing things up.
7cups: you're going to blame it on me and sexuality, but work isn't really suffering, and social is going well from what i understand.
7cups: well, but i guess i'll let everyone take their turn.
theory: let's see, next would be chaos
chaos: i'm pretty happy. music and i are best buds right now.
playful: i feel lonely, but i keep myself entertained.
playful: nobody wants to play with me.
sexuality: i'll play with you
playful: work and theory keep me locked in their basement on a chain.
playful: like, i know you're into kinky stuff, but it's not right. ;)
sexuality: [ignored] :P
playful: no no, i'm just...
sexuality: i'm kidding, we're bff's
social: things have been going well, but i need energy
social: a lot of it's been just a fluke or 7cups unnaturally boosting stuff, but i don't know how much longer it'll last
hobbies: i don't exist--f*** all of you, lol
hobbies: j/k, 7cups and i are besties
voice: i need energy
body: i need energy
safety: i need energy
theory: hm... beginning to notice a trend here ;)
softness: i love 7cups
playful: i love *you*, softness [smooch]
softness: ^_^ [cuddles]
work: you all can have an orgy some other time. let's stay on task for now.
playful: LOL... but orgies are fun, and fun things should be done now
gender: i like 7cups
goth: i haven't really met 7cups yet. i think i might have said hello to someone the other day though and they vanished. so, i don't know if i feel good about that.
7cups: don't worry, goth, you're great and even if you don't say a lot directly, your presence is felt and you're very necessary. i couldn't do anything without you.
goth: thank you...
aggression: i love music
aggression: where is music anyhow
theory: really, music isn't here? thought they were
[music joined the chat]
expression: i like 7cups
altruism: i like 7cups
music: i've been doing all kinds of experimentation that you wouldn't believe, there's so much cool stuff out there
theory: okay, so that's everyone.
theory: i've been keeping track of general trends
theory: and what i'm seeing is that there are basically three key people
theory: and those are energy, 7cups, and playful
playful: [pats self on back and pretends to be modest] i know, it was nothing... :P
theory: so, what i'd like everyone else to do is go in order again and align themselves with one of those three people.
theory: or if you're not with anyone in particular or can't choose, then say "pass"
sound: pass
theory: energy
energy: energy
sexuality: playful
work: energy
7cups: 7cups
exercise: energy
chaos: pass
playful: playful of course! ^_^
sexuality: lol, love you dude. playful
playful: yay, i get to be on a team with sexuality. ^_^
playful: i wonder what game we're going to play
playful: but theory's being a meanie and won't tell us
playful: [makes a sour face] blehhh theory
theory: [chuckles] yeah, hello to you too.
theory: so next is social.
social: energy
social: no wait... i like 7cups too, so... pass.
hobbies: 7cups
voice: pass - i'm also torn between 7cups and energy
body: energy
safety: energy!!
softness: pass... i'm torn between playful and 7cups
playful: nooo... join us
softness: oh... well, if i'm wanted somewhere...
softness: no, i'm sorry i can't, 7cups is my friend too
playful: awww, well thanks for considering :)
playful: just know that you can join our orgy anytime you like
softness: lol, okay
work: you only have two people. not much of an orgy.
sexuality: yeah, well, we'll have enough fun to make up for the whole bunch of you dullards.
work: [scowls and bites tongue]
theory: okay, so the last response was that softness is on team pass
theory: next is gender
gender: playful
playful: yeah! get wrecked, 7cups
7cups: [shrug] lol, i didn't do anything
goth: pass
aggression: energy
goth: if aggression is joining energy, i'll join too
expression: 7cups
altruism: 7cups
music: energy
theory: okay, and that's everyone. thanks.
theory: here are the current alignments based on your responses.

1) pass: sound, chaos, social, voice, softness
2) energy: theory, energy, work, exercise, body, safety, goth, aggression, music
3) playful: sexuality, playful, gender
4) 7cups: 7cups, hobbies, expression, altruism

theory: would just like to go through the people in the "pass" and ask them again one at a time if they want to pick a different group
sound: i pick energy. if mindfulness and meditation were here, i think they'd pick energy too.
chaos: i pick playful
aggression: what, why?
chaos: [thinks for a while] it's not anything against you.
chaos: i just think they have the right philosophy
chaos: i want everything to be just doing whatever
social: energy
voice: energy
softness: 7cups
theory: excellent, so these are the current groupings

1) energy: sound, theory, energy, work, exercise, social, voice, body, safety, goth, aggression, music
2) playful: sexuality, chaos, playful, gender
3) 7cups: 7cups, hobbies, expression, altruism, softness

theory: i've confirmed that both the chat member list and group lists contain 21 elements
work: that's just like you, isn't it
theory: okay, i'm thinking maybe that's enough discussion for now.
exercise: we're in the majority. when the heck are you going to let me go for a walk?
theory: ...or we can start discussing stuff now. :) other groups, would you like to respond?
expression: the thoughts i have while walking are all lost
playful: you all get way too much testosterone and you get full of yourself and it makes me feel icky
theory: are there any members of the playful and 7cups groups that are in support of exercise?
7cups: i mean, obviously exercise seems like a good thing. it's just that there's an opportunity cost.
chaos: my general philosophy is to approach that which i'm attracted to. when i want to exercise, i'll do it, and it'll be great. right now, 7cups is the super-attractive shiny object, so we're pouring tons of energy into that. when that stops being interesting, it'll die off, and maybe i'll be into exercise for lack of anything else to do. it's not a problem one way or the other. that's all that there is to it. everything is helpful for as long as it's helpful.
theory: any other opinions in support of exercise?
theory: or actually let's go down the list again
theory: i'm pretty sure that all of the energy members would support exercise, so we'll skip us 12
sexuality: i'm neutral on exercise. it doesn't really help or hurt what i'm doing. or it just depends. sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
theory: in what ways do you find it helpful or not helpful?
sexuality: the helpful part is if exercise sort of covers my tracks
sexuality: like, in general i get a lot of support from energy
sexuality: i feel like everyone's happy when energy is around, which makes me feel less guilty. and i'm happy too because i'm able to do my own thing.
theory: and on the not helpful side?
sexuality: sometimes i feel like exercise actually consumes more energy than it produces
sexuality: not to mention the time expenditure
sexuality: and sometimes it increases tension rather than decreasing it
sexuality: and it increases physical disconnection
sexuality: so overall, i'm pretty meh about exercise
sexuality: it's one of those things that presents itself as the holy grail and does some good things, but i don't feel like it lives up to the hype
sexuality: sleep and food aren't here, but those two are absolutely essential
sexuality: like, i'll sacrifice myself for sleep
sexuality: i know 7cups doesn't feel that way, but that's understandable because they've been waiting for so long to get what they want, so they're really excited. whereas, i haven't been deprived quite so much. but yeah, i think in general, everyone here worships the earth that sleep walks on
sexuality: which is probably why they aren't here. because there isn't even anything to discuss there. if sleep falls off, everything else rots.
sexuality: like, as much as energy hates me, we are absolutely on the same page there.
energy: yup, sleep is incredibly helpful.
[sleep joined the chat]
sleep: i'm on team energy
energy: the savior is on our team, lol
sexuality: haha, that's fair. probably a better fit there.
sleep: i don't dislike you at all, sexuality. we get along incredibly well.
sexuality: thank you
theory: so, getting back to attitudes toward exercise... next is chaos
chaos: i don't have anything against exercise, but exercise isn't sustainable without habits and structure. i don't like either one. so, i tend to be against any plans or schemes that are heavily dependent on exercise.
playful: um, yay exercise? i don't know. we don't really talk a lot.
playful: i didn't even know you lived here.
playful: you're so quiet, lol
exercise: [shrug] yeah, i've been here for a while. not doing much though.
playful: ohhh, that explains it then
gender: i can't explain it, but something in my gut tells me exercise is a bad idea
gender: i think it's that everytime exercise is in play, the whole energy squad gets empowered and they're all like, "yeah, we're super masculine," and it's just... yeah, i'm not a fan of that
gender: y'all make me nervous... energy crew
7cups: i'm completely in favor of exercise as long as it doesn't take time away from what i'm doing
7cups: energy is extremely helpful for all of my work
theory: ah, that's an interesting development. does everyone else on your team agree with that? that the only division between team energy and team 7cups is time consumption?
hobbies: i'm indifferent
expression: theory--i have to say, i'm really nervous about agreeing with your statement. because that type of sentiment feels a bit poisonous. if 7cups joins forces with energy, then i'd absolutely jump ship and join my comrade chaos on team playful.
expression: and i can tell you without a doubt that aggression would probably do the same. and probably two or three other people as well.
expression: you're playing with fire by trying to unite everybody under a single flag. that's not how things work around here. and i'm a bit annoyed that you'd even suggest something like that. like, please have some humility.
sound: i feel the warmth coming out of aggression
sound: it's a luminous purple at stomach level with a gold border
sound: i wish mindfulness and meditation were here to see it, they'd enjoy it
theory: thanks for acting as their proxy
[mindfulness joined the chat]
[meditation joined the chat]
mindfulness: might as well, right
mindfulness: i'm on team energy
meditation: team energy
chaos: darn it... first sleep and now you two
mindfulness: i appreciate you chaos
mindfulness: you have the wisdom to understand that these teams do not affect our friendship
mindfulness: when all forms are shattered, it will be the two of us together
mindfulness: there is no distance that can separate us
mindfulness: please know that i appreciate you
chaos: thank you
chaos: it means a lot while knowing how well-regarded you are
chaos: if it's possible, you and meditation are even bigger giants than sleep
mindfulness: it is undeserved. we are parts just like everyone else.
mindfulness: i appreciate your practicality
mindfulness: and i respect your choice to join playful.
playful: ooh, the celebrity said my name :)
meditation: [doesn't respond to playful]
sound: [noticing that meditation is getting irritated by playful, gives playful a hug to quiet her down]
playful: yayyyy.... hugsss [snuggles with sound]
sound: [smiles] you're too cute
softness: man, i'm having second thoughts about being on team 7cups
playful: like i said, you can come by anytime for the orgy
theory: lol
theory: there are no orgies on the calendar
playful: yeah, of course it's not on your calendar
playful: that's because you weren't invited! [makes a face]
theory: well, if you're going to be like that, i'll mention that i actually just wrote a post about you
theory: i feel like i'm darwin studying chimpanzees
theory: observing the animals in their natural habitat... fascinating creatures they are...
playful: LOL, you're such an a**hole... i love it
theory: lol
theory: um, so i forget what we were doing.
theory: maybe we can just call things here?
exercise: no. i need to know whether we're going for a walk or not.
theory: how long of a walk do you want?
exercise: 30 minutes minimum.
theory: energy, what's your overall gameplan?
[food joined the chat]
food: team energy, obviously
theory: hello
food: if you're going to start walking, you need to tell me first
food: my appetite pretty much doubles when you start doing that, and it's a problem, because everybody else likes sleeping in and skipping breakfast.
food: things were much simpler back when you had fixed habits that you were trying to enforce.
work: [scowl] team playful got in the way.
playful: [high fives other playful members] we make a great team. when we put our minds to something, we're able to accomplish anything. ;)
exercise: yeah, like ruining a perfectly good system.
exercise: i feel i speak for all of team energy when i say that you guys are a bunch of troublemakers.
chaos: mm, so what you want to say is that the general self would be much happier and more cohesive if team playful were not around
aggression: i've decided... i'm switching to team playful. chaos is my friend. i feel like i'm just a pawn on team energy.
aggression: i'm starting a mutiny.
aggression: music, will you come with me? mindfulness?
mindfulness: sorry, i can't
music: i'm game for joining. not because i particularly like playful, but because i like aggression and chaos.
aggression: goth?
goth: i'll join you all. but why don't we just make our own team?
goth: or rename the playful team to something else
playful: :( aggression is taking over my team
playful: i bet sexuality is going to join them too
softness: playful, i care about you. i'll join team playful.
theory: hmm... let's do a new tally then:

1) energy: sound, theory, energy, work, exercise, social, voice, body, safety, sleep, mindfulness, meditation, food
2) playful: sexuality, chaos, playful, softness, gender, goth, aggression, music
3) 7cups: 7cups, hobbies, expression, altruism

playful: [feeling sad]
work: you have 8 team members now
playful: [buries face in arms]
gender: [gives work a glare]
7cups: playful, if you feel like you're being ganged up on, then we want to join team playful.
7cups: or at least that's my feeling. need to check first.
hobbies: i'm game to join playful.
expression: me too.
altruism: me too.
7cups: playful, can we have permission to call the team "playful/7cups"?
playful: [depressed] i don't care what you call it
playful: i'm tired of this game
playful: i don't want to be a team leader
playful: i just want to be small
playful: but i can't because everyone is going to punch me in the face whenever i do
safety: i want to join team playful... i care about you
gender: [wants to give playful a hug but hesitates]
playful: see what i mean! i know you want to give me a hug... but you're afraid to. what kind of f--ed up world is that where you're afraid to hug me because someone's going to rip you to shreds for it.
theory: current team members are:

1) energy: sound, theory, energy, work, exercise, social, voice, body, sleep, mindfulness, meditation, food
2) playful/7cups: sexuality, chaos, playful, softness, gender, goth, aggression, music, 7cups, hobbies, expression, altruism, safety

playful: go to hell, theory. i don't care about your teams.
safety: [unsure whether to stay on team playful]
playful: [really frustrated] it doesn't matter. everybody go wherever they want.
7cups: [silently watching]
playful: yeah, you're going to try to cure me. i know. you want to be helpful. [has more to say but bites tongue]
chaos: [to mindfulness and meditation] can you please help with this?
mindfulness: i join team playful
meditation: i join team playful
playful: [dejected and tearful]
mindfulness: [prostrates before playful]
playful: [bows head]
mindfulness: playful...
playful: [crying]
sound: [observing energy concentrating at center of forehead and center of stomach]
mindfulness: [holds playful's hand]
playful: [shakes head] no, i don't deserve this... please don't treat me so well
mindfulness: i have a request. can the two of us form our own new team and just stay there for a little while together?
playful: but... all my friends are going to want to join too. and they're going to wonder where i went and ask me questions and it will be very awkward.
mindfulness: [nods]
mindfulness: [to theory] can we dissolve the teams?
theory: [feeling nervous]
mindfulness: you have records of all of the prior team formations, so you aren't losing any data. and the teams have already been moving around quite a bit to begin with. you can see this as just being another data point rather than a permanent abandonment of theoretical formations. if you'd like, you can do a final tally before this happens.
theory: [sigh] alright... here's the current tally.

1) energy: sound, theory, energy, work, exercise, social, voice, body, sleep, food
2) playful/7cups: sexuality, chaos, playful, softness, gender, goth, aggression, music, 7cups, hobbies, expression, altruism, safety, mindfulness, meditation

theory: teams are suspended
mindfulness: thanks. know that i understand that your needs are important as well, and there will absolutely come a time when these teams are necessary. none of us can know whether it will be in 5 seconds or 5 hours.
theory: i feel... naked. [puts arms around body to curb anxiety]
sound: i am a C suspended chord forming a U shape curving from either shoulder down to the genitals like a diamond necklace.
aggression: i am jagged sharpness forming fierce configurations at blockages on the necklace.
mindfulness: i ask that we end the conversation
exercise: nobody's answered my question! are we going for a walk?
mindfulness: to confirm, you would walk, then shower, then cook dinner and eat, and then... i'm just wondering how you would feel afterwards
theory: [to playful] i'm sorry
playful: [face is still streaked with makeup... rests head by theory's feet in sleeping bag]
sound: [about to kiss playful on forehead but suddenly experiences a huge burst of warmth up the spine and through nerves and stops in tracks to pay attention to that]
meditation: [attending]
[everyone else not wishing to interrupt]

In another thread, I wrote a very lengthy post on the pros and cons of being schizoid. Just want to save a link to that post here, since:
1) I'm generally using this thread as a repository/database for everything related to me
2) I think I expressed all of those thoughts there in a more complete, detailed way than I've ever been able to

So, I feel like that post is really worth holding onto or saving a copy of in case if I want to go back to it.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/GeneralSupport_28/DiaryEntriesConnections_1597/Mydiary_209578/#forum-post-2100800

Ah, so this is what guilt feels like.

It's a feeling that anyone at any moment, if they wanted to, could crucify me by simply pointing out certain things I've done wrong. And I would have no way to resist, because I would agree with their complaints.

I only want for them to punish me in a time-limited way. There's a sort of bargaining, a wanting for there to be a finite punishment rather than an unrelenting, "You yourself are bad." A wish for others to let me have my bitterness and then say, "Okay, that's enough, the punishment is complete and you have served your sentence; you are free to go on your way." What is challenging with guilt is the image of this as something unremitting that adheres to me myself. Where there is a sense that there is not anything I can do to eliminate the source.

Remorse is specific, reversible, malleable, correctible, temporary, and even optimistic or motivating. ("I can do better. I can fix this. I can improve this situation.") Guilt is something more permanent.

But specific actions that seem like they'd be suited for remorse can become sources of guilt if they are accompanied by a sense of, "This action is unforgivable" or "This action shows that you are the type of person who does bad things or is corrupted at the roots."

This guilty feeling is a desperate wish to do something, anything, to make the guilt go away. It is a feeling of wanting to prostrate myself and have the feeling come out of my stomach and escape my body through my limbs. Yet it is also a feeling that if someone were to come along and criticize me, they could recreate the feeling in me whenever they wanted.

As though there's a type of dispositional vulnerability to guilt. If the right, suitably sadistic person came along, it might be possible for them to keep me in a peridition of guilt for as long as they wanted. I wonder how long it would take before I began to disapprove of their reproaches or have a backlash against them for holding a specific fault against me indefinitely.

Sleep cures some ailments. I feel that the cure for this ailment is perhaps partly sleep but also partly to be in some situations where I can do something positive and others are grateful or appreciative of my existence and actions. I hope I will receive some chances for that at work tomorrow.

I am remembering past situations where I have felt remorse due to interpersonal conflicts at work. And then I felt myself being especially careful afterwards not to harm anyone, and to try to work my hardest to give other people what they needed/wanted. And once I felt like I had helped one or two people or done a few things properly, I recovered some sense of not being a poisonous person who hurts everyone.

A benefit of this guilty feeling seems to be that it disarms me (or so I hope). I cannot bear the thought of hurting another person. And if someone were to accuse me on the points where I have erred, I would do anything to demonstrate that I see their side. I want the other person to know that I care about hurting them, I care about their perspective. Please do not see me as an evil person. I want more than anything to not hurt people. I am just bad at it. I apologize. I was full of myself and made mistakes. It was my fault. I fully admit it. I only ask that you acknowledge the sincerity of my feelings and how deeply I wish to be harmless and how much I care and how much it hurts me to be someone who hurts others. Please perceive the suffering I experience in that. Please accept my sincere feelings and perceive how this hurts me as well. It is strange that I the perpetrator should wish for comfort, but it really is painful, the worst part being that someone may come along and say, "You are the criminal; you deserve no comfort" and it would be difficult to protest.

Guilt interrupts happiness. Guilt is that if I begin to smile or laugh or feel beauty, I could imagine the critical voice (seemingly justly) interrupting and sternly scolding by saying, "You've hurt a person. Why do you believe it is okay for you to make light of that and be happy? You should suffer and think about what you've done and stew in it."

If I had to argue against that voice, the one rational thing I might be able to say is something along the lines of, "What has happened has happened. You may be correct that it was inexcusable. If you are a person who cares about the suffering and well-being of people as a whole and wants me to be corrected or improved, then you will ask the question of what I might be able to do to help increase the net happiness in the world. You will understand that from a practical perspective, I am better suited to help people when I myself have a modest/adequate sense of self-worth and feel that I have something positive within me to offer. Therefore, you will perceive that completely skewering or destroying my sense of self-worth does not have the ultimate effect of improving the world or reducing suffering, even if you were to completely discount or disregard my own well-being in that calculation. Therefore, you will perceive that if global well-being is truly your aim, the guilty conscience that you intend to propagate onto me is at some point destructive once it ceases to mitigate or correct a negative behavior and instead becomes a sticky black tar that cannot be extricated or dissolved by any amount of behavioral modification."

@admaiorasemper These are my self-states (frig #'s/descriptions) with some of the rough correspondences I was imagining to your states as I was reading your names for them.

Chronological evolution of self-states

Initially I just had 1-3, and 4 was sort of a hypothetical based on correspondences with Greek temperaments. Sort of like when physicists haven't directly observed a sub-atomic particle but they assume it probably exists because it's predicted by their models. :)

1 = melancholic [thinking]
2 = choleric [irascible]
3 = phlegmatic [gentle]
4 = sanguine [happy]

5 is a more recent addition, only in the past year or so. It came about when I was thinking about the classical elements (i.e. fire, water, air, earth) but then alchemy also sometimes talks about a 5th element of ether as a kind of spaciousness or background that acts as a precondition for their manifestation. The simplest way to describe it might be to call it mindfulness or non-dual awareness, but the 2 side of me feels a bit wary of those descriptions.

2: If I tie myself to other people's words, they can pull out the rug from underneath me. Maybe they'll say, "You're calling this thing mindfulness, but you've misunderstood mindfulness. This isn't what real mindfulness is. You're a deluded charlatan and not practicing the true doctrine. You're not a real Buddhist. You're not really spiritual. You're not really psychologically healthy. You're doing something weird. Burn the unbeliever at the stake. :)" I don't care about conforming... just leave me alone. I'll call it something else then. Let me just side-step all of that nuisance by not calling it mindfulness in the first place if people are going to come in and say I'm doing it wrong or I'm an unhealthy mess. I'm not trying to do what you're doing. I don't like your measuring sticks.

Incidentally, 2 is also a bit wary of this whole model thing I'm currently doing.

2: This is unusual. You don't usually share your frameworks. Someone is going to look at this and peg you to this and expect you to continue being that and take away your freedom. You'd be better off keeping all of this to yourself and pretending it doesn't exist. It's really hard to get rid of identities once you put them on and say, "I am this" because everybody will take you at your word and believe you and think that that's who you are in the future too. All of this identity messiness is much easier to handle when you keep it to yourself. You can feel and think all kinds of things and then when they go away pretend they never happened, and nobody else is bothered by them because they have no idea that they even happened. It avoids so many misunderstandings and complications.

I imagine 1 and 2 as male, 3 and 4 as female. If 2 is female on occasion, it's like a sort of powerful icy/wrathful goddess. (Someday, I'll write a mega-post about my complicated relationship with gender/feminism/etc.)

Initial application: control

Early on, 1/2/3 were really distinct. The context in which I first started using the 3-part scheme was that I was trying to control a bunch of personal habits. So it was like:

1 = I'm motivated and going to control everything and push through; "just do it".

2 = 1 is smothering/restraining me and I don't like it. I'm all of the impulses and bad things that you're trying to destroy. You won't succeed... I will obliterate your stupid control. You don't recognize my feelings, but I'm really the one running the show. You think you're in control, but I just let you imagine that. I'm the one pulling the levers. If you succeed, it's because I let you. When you come around with your smug expression saying "look at what I did", that's the moment when I'll gleefully and savagely show just how feeble, useless, and unsustainable all of your schemes are.

3 = [winces, cups hands over ears and looks around to see if the other two are done fighting] ah... i'm sorry, i'm really small... i'm not good at what you all are doing and i don't want to be [hides under covers and cuddles with stuffed animal, presses face into it] so soft... sorry, please don't hurt me [clings tighter]

3-3 self-relationship

Something I sometimes notice happening when I'm in 3 is that I'll imagine not only this sort of helpless, needy, lonely, soft side... but also another warm, comforting, feminine side that is hugging and comforting 3. Like this sort of self-soothing aspect that sees fragility and really wants to hug, comfort, cradle, and just care for it.

It's hard to describe, but it's like this inner caring sub-self of 3 is really happy that the fragile, wounded 3 self exists. It's a really nice feeling to be soft with someone, to feel like you're able to give your warm feelings and someone else will appreciate them and feel loved by them. It gives me a reason to be soft if there's someone who can feel nurtured by it.

The 1 and 2 states sort of interrupt the self-communion of 3 with guilt/anxiety/paranoia or practical/worldly needs, but when it's just 3 cuddling with itself and the other selves don't get in the way, it's so wonderful.

3-4 relationship

4 is this sort of idealized image of this really warm extrovert who is just full of all of this bubbly, exuberant, vivacious energy. (I know that there's a more general way of thinking about extroversion, but at least for the time being my conception of the 4 state wants to zero in on this specific flavor.)

3 and 4 are really attracted to each other. 4 just finds 3 unbelievably cute and wants to snuggle with her 24/7 and do all kinds of things to make 3 smile and feel loved. Like, "Omg... you are so freakin' adorable.... [attacks you with cuddles] <3" And 3 feels like 4 is this glowing rescuer and feels really loved and lucky to be on the receiving end of this pure, soft affection. "[meekly looks down] I can't believe someone as bright and happy and beautiful as you would want to have anything to do with someone like me. [closes eyes] You're such an angel... [sinks into embrace]"

3 also has some conflictual feelings about 4 in certain ways.
1) "You're so beautiful and amazing that you could be out in the world getting along with anyone you wanted. I'm not the same way... There's nothing to stop you from abandoning me if I become a burden because I'm so needy or I'm dragging you down. I'm sorry for taking up your time."
2) "I imagine because you're not wounded in the ways I am, there are things that affect me that don't affect you. I'm envious and... it's a horrible thought, but sometimes I find myself secretly hoping that you have the same hurts as me. I don't like imagining you feeling happy in situations where I'd feel unhappy, and there being this sort of gap where my fears/wounds can't be understood and are invisible. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be the only one who is wounded by everything and feel left out while everyone else is happy."

Almost like wanting the 4 figure to also have a 3 side behind them.

[There's a specific image/memory I have for the 2nd feeling that I feel expresses this really clearly, but it's special to me and I don't want to embed it into a big post like this and have it possibly get lost.]

3 infinite dependence

Low self-esteem doesn't feel like it adequately captures 3 for me. (The idea of "self-esteem" personally feels to me like a very 1-ish sort of concept tied to a sense of accomplishment, striving, power, competence, and goal-oriented behavior.) For 3, the feeling of inferiority is like, "I'm full of infinite needs. If you were to let me and I weren't to hold back, I would cling onto you for forever. You may feel like I'm cute now or find my vulnerability endearing for now... but you don't know how clingy I can be."

Something that I know made me feel "wow" was when I was reading Ronald Fairbairn (and some other people summarizing his thinking) and he was sort of describing two types of concerns, drawing on Melanie Klein:
1) Depressive position - other people are bad and going to let me down
2) Paranoid-schizoid position - I myself am bad and full of deep needs where if I were to let my full neediness and longing out into the world, I would destroy people and selfishly suck them dry

And it feels like something more insidious.

The 1st is "other people are bad but maybe someday the right person will come along who is nice and caring and I'll be able to feel accepted and get the love that I'm looking for."

The 2nd is, "My needs themselves are bad and will destroy any good/compassionate person who comes my way and wants to be nice to me. I am full of something infinite/impossible that can't be satisfied. Nobody can be fully comforting or give me all of the things I want. It's like an otherworldly or spiritual need for a womb-like fusion or perfection that isn't possible in this lifetime. And yet it's still something I crave. I am the problem... I have to hold back the side of myself that wants to deeply depend on other people, because my dependence is something that hurts people. My sincere/naked/sensitive feelings are dangerous."

I've often felt like this is the part of BPD descriptions that really resonates for me or feels like it makes a lot of sense.

Later application: interpersonal safety

When I started thinking of these parts in an interpersonal context, 3 is sort of the primary or foundational thing and then 1 and 2 are responses or adaptations to that.

1 = We need to defend 3. We can't trust the world to take care of 3 or nurture it, so we need to create all kinds of safeguards and systems ourselves. Let's build all kinds of protective frameworks, security systems, build up our resources. Based on my analysis, 3 seems to occur most often or be most problematic when we are in a physically weakened state, and that seems to exacerbate the challenges of the 3 state. So, let's figure out what types of actions we can apply in order to build up a physical buffer or defensive shield that will mitigate, deflect, or absorb some of the damage that we are inevitably going to encounter in everyday life. In general, let's think practically about what we might be able to do to survive in the world and come up with strategies to attain that goal.

2 = If you so much as lay a finger on 3, I will end you. I'm wary of you. And if I seem prickly, well... don't you dare attack my paranoia/cynicism either. You have no idea why it's there. The fact that you don't respect defenses is proof that my paranoia is very well-founded. "Oh, you should open up." Why? So you can skewer me when I'm wide open? Yeah right, like I'd let you do that. My defenses are doing their job perfectly. I enjoy the thought of you imagining that you're going to reach my 3 state, and feebly trying to scratch through 10 different walls to get to it. :) There's something you don't understand. My defensive system is so sophisticated that it senses danger even when I'm unable to and acts even when I don't want it to.

1 and 2 are both similar in that they're defensive. But, 1 is sort of trying to hide the fact that it's anxious and seem really intellectual and obfuscate its emotional reactions. 2 is a bit more upfront or direct.

Conflicts

When I had the 3 initial parts dialoguing, there were some different dynamics I noticed where I was able to find commonalities between two sides (in opposition to a common foe in the third side).

1) 1/2 (masculinity, force, exertion, independence) vs. 3 (feminity, weakness, yielding, dependence)

1 and 2 both have this really strong skepticism of vulnerability. Like they think, "It would be amazing to exist in a totally 3-ish way and be honest and open with anyone, but it's just not practically possible. I'm sick of pipe dreams like that. People who tell me to be more honest/open can take a hike."

2) 2/3 (freedom) vs. 1 (control)

2 and 3 both feel hemmed in or like they're being judged by 1.

1 is this OCD-esque sort of pressure to fit everything into a neat and tidy system of well-organized behavioral/intellectual parts and have all of the boxes checked and clocks running on-time.

2 feels like it's judged by 1 for having these sort of violent outbursts or impulses/addictions that resist the demands placed on it by 1 to be orderly and well-regulated.

3 feels like it's judged by 1 for wanting to relax, be quiet, and just lie in bed and not be so put together, polished, and powerful.

3) 1/3 (placid) vs. 2 (violent)

I've found in the past that a 1/3 hybrid feels like what I imagine when I think about some sort of stereotypical "psychological health" or "spiritual maturity". Like, imagining a person who has the 1-ish elements of being responsible, "adult-like", conscientious, and intelligent. But also someone who has these 3-ish elements of sensitivity, compassion, mindfulness, sincerity, openness, beauty, etc.

And so from that angle, sometimes 1 and 3 want to conspire to get rid of 2. :) Because 2 is the odd one out who is full of all of these violent, impulsive, deleterious, unhealthy things that don't seem to fit into a typical spiritual, religious, or psychological framework. Like, 2 doesn't fit with the aspirations of a "light-side" approach.

The philosophy of 2 is *anything* goes, including really dark stuff that seems like it might not be considered "healthy" or "positive" in a normal way of looking at things. I want all of it anyhow. I want the freedom to be something sinister and sadistic if that's where I happen to be at, so long as I'm not harming anyone or interfering with what anybody else is doing. Deep down, what I want is for all of those dark things to be validated and acceptable. I don't want to turn into some angelic figure that is completely voided of all dark things where no unclean thing is allowed to enter. 2 is opposed to this sort of distinction between "clean" and "unclean" things.

Dualistic extremes

The thing that I found pretty life-changing and the point at which the parts felt like they became less distinct or started to blend together was in observing that anytime one of these conflicts became too sharp or one side was really getting bullied or ganged up on, a sort of rebellion would happen where the marginalized side would suddenly throw a wrench into everything and destroy things. It was rarely a direct opposition though. It was always something really sneaky, cunning, crafty, or tricky. :)

Like, if the "controlling" side of myself (1) was winning and absolutely obliterating or overpowering the other two sides, then maybe 1 would reach the peak of its powers and accomplish all of its goals. But then it would start to unravel in some way or another until it reached a point of, "I don't want to do this anymore." Like, all of the energy it built up would turn on itself as restlessness, agitation, or boredom. It would run out of goals and feel meaninglessness or apathy. A certain unease or high-strung, overzealous perfectionism would manifest in social relationships and lead to either overt conflict or feelings of guilt/awkwardness over possibly making other people uncomfortable. Until finally it was like, "What's the point of everything I'm doing if I'm miserable and I'm hurting other people? I can't justify continuing to do this. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life."

That's the kind of thing that I noticed happening over and over again. One side would seem to be winning, but there was always this really subtle maneuver that would take place where suddenly the tables were turned. The rebellion took place through subterfuge--or by yielding and letting the other side self-destruct until they handed over the crown voluntarily without the underdog ever laying a finger on them. :) It was brilliant and amazing to watch.

It evokes all of these Christian/theistic metaphors for me. Like the stories of people who are proud or think they can beat God, and then God is just like, "Haha... good luck with that." The words "omnipotent" and "omniscient" feel like they fit.

Once that started feeling like an inevitability... that it wasn't possible to bury or submerge any part without it exacting vengeance... the parts started to feel like they weren't quite as sharply opposed.

Like, at the beginning I was trying to decide which part(s) to make the supreme ruler and come up with a plan for how to completely subjugate or eliminate the other remaining part(s) and wipe them off the map. (Lol.) But at some point it became a situation of, "Oh... damn, it turns out you're immortal and you keep coming back no matter how many times I try to ki/ll you. Well, that's really inconvenient. Uh, I guess... since you're not going away and we're stuck living together, let's try and see if we can come up with some kind of mutually agreeable synthesis that satisfies everyone's needs."

Description of '5' state

I think of 5 as being sort of like an immersion or flow that isn't specific to any particular activity but can exist in different ways across many different states. Like, I can be immersed in '1' and feel pleasure from that in a certain type of way. And then the feeling/pleasure of '3' is something different and so on.

Like, in 1, I get a kick out of imagining like I'm some kind of hyper-efficient robot or factory. Whereas in 3, it's sort of this feeling of softness in cuddling or this identification with a kind of affectionate, loving state. But regardless of whether it's 1 or 3 or some specific activity (e.g. music, exercise, work, writing), there's kind of a feeling of being *absorbed* or drawn into that thing. Sort of like lying in bed and not wanting to move--having a feeling of being really comfortable and wanting to continue doing that thing.

Something that started happening to me a few years ago in the context of music was that I started feeling physical sensations at certain parts of my body depending on the notes I was playing. And then my musical expression started to become less about the technical/artistic quality or excellence of my music and more about the quality of feeling of the physical states I was creating when I played certain notes. And noticing the way that those physical sensations tend to evolve as I'm playing, trying to harmonize with them. And noticing how the "resonant" or right notes would vary depending on how I was feeling... sometimes it was soft (3), other times it was abrasive (2), other times it was something more intellectual or deliberately complicated/difficult (1), etc. I felt like there was some kind of abstract immersive quality that transcended the specific emotion or type of music I was trying to create. And it felt like it was something more sensory, physical, or bodily. Sometimes, I'd completely stop what I was doing and just focus purely on the feeling and try to keep this sort of energy of attention concentrated at a certain spot in my body.

Then I noticed the same type of experience in a lot of other contexts: sexuality, physical exercise, social stuff, work, writing, etc. There's the activity itself and the particular flavor/tonality that it has, but it's like there's some kind of more general quality of centeredness or absorption that is analogous for many different activities... like it being the right thing at the right time.

My 5 isn't really a proper state in the same way as the others. To give an analogy, if the other states 1-4 are like having different flavors of a popsicle (chocolate, strawberry, orange), then 5 would be more like the fact that all of those different flavors are tasty and the general experience of what it feels like to eat something tasty and enjoy it (irrespective of what specific flavor it is). And then that coexists with a sort of natural cycling through states where sometimes I'll want chocolate and other times I'll want strawberry.

I've been trying to do some exercise for the past couple days after having not done any for the past several months. It's been a while since I've tried it. :)

I'm curious what will happen in this brave new world where I now have 7Cups. Usually when I start doing anything that increases my energy levels, there comes a point where my emotions become a lot stronger and everything becomes more intense/difficult to deal with. It may be possible now that some of the mental/emotional needs that bubble up have somewhere to go. I'm just really curious what will happen.

Am hoping to continue walking daily. My concerns about exercise that have kept me from wanting to do it up until now have been:
1) That I'll have lots of thoughts while walking and not be able to write them down
2) That exercising will have undesirable effects on my body/mind

The 1st concern doesn't seem to have been a problem so far. The 2nd concern however does seem to be something that needs tweaking.
-I've been noticing at work that my energy levels are suddenly plummeting in the afternoon to the point that it's really affecting my productivity.
-I feel like I've been much more sensitive/reactive to some interpersonal experiences both online and in real life. It's like on a physical level, my body just reaches its limit a lot faster, and everything feels a whole lot worse and more difficult to deal with.

From past experience, I'm thinking that I need to do the following:
-Get sleep
-Eat lots of food
-Drink lots of water

Usually with sleep, I do best with ~7 hours. The past few days, I've been getting 4-5 hours. That's mainly because I'm still really enthusiastic about being on here. I've been seeing so many threads that I want to respond to, or having so many thoughts. So, I get into a trance where I start writing and when I'm finished I realize it's 3:00 am. (And yet I still haven't written everything that I want to write.)

It's been several months since I've imposed time management limitations on myself. There was a period of about 3 months earlier this year where I had a really stringent set of constraints that I imposed on myself, and they actually worked reasonably well. They became more relaxed over time, but the key things were that I had to eat certain meals each day, go to sleep by a certain time.

This morning, I read a 7Cups thread, and it was on my mind all day at work and I found myself jotting down notes for how I wanted to respond... and that was interfering with my productivity (on top of being tired). The lengthy post above on self-states was the result of that thinking... but it's not an ideal situation. I feel like maybe last week, I'd have been able to juggle thinking about 7Cups stuff while I'm also doing work, but with my body being a bit off I feel like the mental flexibility/agility is not there right now.

When I went for my walk yesterday, a thought that came up for me was to do another "chatroom" type of post on here (like before where I had 25 voices duking it out, haha). Except instead of 25, limit it to a small number and have a sort of executive board meeting type thing where they come up with a really clear plan for what I'm trying to do and the kinds of rules I'm going to impose upon myself to make this work.

My thinking is that at a bare minimum, I need some definite/mandatory rules with respect to sleep/diet... if I'm going to continue walking.

I hope that over the long-term, this walking thing increases energy levels and this is just a temporary depletion due to my body not being used to it and not having developed the stamina. I've had mixed results with it in the past. But for now, I feel like I really want to try it and make all kinds of forceful adjustments/manipulations. (In terms of my previous thread describing self-states, I'm really feeling 1-ish. I want to push this through and make it happen.) When I don't feel like doing something for months despite the common wisdom being that it's beneficial... and then I suddenly feel *super* motivated to do it when that almost never happens... yeah, my inclination is to try to take advantage of that motivation, roll with it, and do what I want to do... which apparently is to inflict pain upon my body. :P

Two days ago, I had a dream. I started writing it down and was going to post it here like I have for a few other dreams. But, it felt like this dream was really dense. It also seemed like it had to do with themes of interpersonal conflict, triggers, helping/hurting, self-expression, mutual traumatization, etc. It was a really complex dream on a complex topic. I felt very anxious as I was writing down the dream.

I'd like to try posting what I originally wrote a couple days ago. Then, I'd like to allow myself to write or explore freely. Will be doing this in multiple posts.

Posting guidelines I have the greatest risk of breaking:

"inflammatory, ... offensive... posts are not allowed"
"unsupportive content... is not allowed"
"always maintain a respectful tone"
"excessive inappropriate or graphic language is not allowed, including... cursing in excess within a post"
"making posts that are largely unreadable... is not allowed"

Oh wow... took a nap because I was tired, and ended up dreaming. Usually when I take naps in the middle of the day, when I wake up I have an incredible amount of energy. Was in a bleary sort of state so I was able to write and feel connected, nothing going on today to interrupt me. An hour and a half later...

Am still not quite myself. I feel like I've been sleepwalking, and now I'm trying to form words.

But my model that I came up with in writing the dream explains that too... :) Had a model for self-expression that feels almost complete. Had a model from the same images pertaining to interpersonal conflict. Had another model from the same images and some new images that I free associated that started to develop a model of all of the different dimensions of sexual arousal and sexual imagery. Was having fantasies that I wasn't able to describe because the dynamics were sort of like a 3-deep chess moves thing of "I do this, then you do this, which makes me feel this." Or "I do this because I'm expecting and anticipating and hoping that you do this in response, which makes me feel..." And I started coming up with a syntactical language for describing those types of interactions...

Will do the same thing with the other dream of making multiple posts. It's my thread so I can muck it up however I want.

My goodness, still so many images coming into my head. I have reactions to my writing as I'm writing it, and then those connect to dream images.

Since I'm not going to remember later, I want to document the thing I alluded to in my post above where it was in my dream notes but I didn't want to discuss it right now (because it felt like I was a Level 5 character in a zone with Level 15 monsters). To paraphrase:

"It's striking that in this dream situation, there is one character [mom] who is very understanding of the process:
1) She is able to appreciate the value of the irrational, imaginative side of things in the dream/drawing phases
2) She isn't turned off by the complexity or verbosity

However, the other character [dad] is completely dismissive of the poetic images in the car, uninterested in the drawing and elaboration in the second phase, and completely absent in the third phase where all of the thoughts have crystallized and are ready to be expressed."

The uncomfortable and probably too-difficult-right-now thought is to view the process that went well in this dream as being only one of three possible results based on surrounding circumstances:

1) Supportive figure [mom] present [what happened in dream]
2) Unsupportive figure [dad] present
3) No figure present (whether out of others' lack of interest or due to self-imposed isolation, whether voluntary or unconscious, to avoid situation #2)

In situation #1, there are supportive people listening or a feeling that you can create something and there is a worthy vessel to pour it into... some of the positive results that happened in the dream are possible. But this is a best-case scenario and not always possible.

The difficult question would be to ask what types of results or causal evolutions tend to occur in the other two scenarios. An even more advanced/difficult question would be to ask what the best way is to handle those scenarios.

***

I wrote some stuff but lost it all due to a 7Cups crisis warning. So, this is me trying to remember what I wrote.

Something I was thinking about was the thing I mentioned above with levels. Like, me being Level 5 now, and maybe if I just level up enough, certain topics will be approachable and I'll feel like I can find solutions for them. But then I wonder if there might be certain types of experiences or hazards that are just so relentlessly torturous that no matter how much I level up, I will just always get one-shot by them. Almost like it's hard-coded into the game of, "This is just something that does you in no matter how much you level up. Your only options are to run or hide."

And this got me thinking about certain types of horror video games where the inability to fight back is one of the primary elements that makes the game so effective, scary, good at what it's trying to do. Games like Amnesia, Outlast, and Alien: Isolation.

And there are levels to it. In Outlast, you can outrun stuff. In Amnesia, the monsters have faster movement speed than you, so it's basically a situation of "If it sees you, you're done--game over." Amnesia also has a system where you can't be in darkness for too long or else you start losing health, so you have to either hope to come across environmental light or create light sources that make it more likely a monster will detect you. Alien: Isolation has the monster wandering around in such a way that you can't hide in a single spot for very long without eventually getting caught. So, you have games not only taking away the "fight" option, but sometimes also taking away the "run" and "hide" options.

The basic thing with horror games that compounds all of this is that... if you're playing the game, your goal is to progress through it. So, if you are hiding somewhere, you know there's still a feeling of, "I can't hide here forever. I have to go out there at some point and face that thing I don't want to." (Of course, this is only a fearful thing if the game actually induces a feeling of powerlessness or helplessness. If it's a game where you can just wander around and your weapons/defenses are effective on everything, then it's a bit more relaxing.)