writing space
Creating a new thread for personal writing. I have an existing thread in the diary forum, but it's completely focused on a single topic. Would like this to be a much more free-roaming, open-ended, long-term thread where I'm free to just spew out whatever I want with complete disregard for cross-post consistency (e.g. writing style, mental state, subject matter) if I wish.
***Trigger warning for this whole post***
"We will give you just enough of a taste of paradise to feed your insatisfaction and turn you into feral dogs."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5it0kY-3lE
***
Alas, the new boss has appeared.
How do I fill this thread with lethal venom without harming people?
***
Create your adventure!
Select a name:
>> Cobweb
Select a gender:
>> Male
Welcome, Cobweb! Your adventure is about to begin...
Do you have any special abilities?
>> Yes
Awesome! What special ability do you have?
>> Turn myself into a spider.
Ooh, scary... well, let's get started! I'm sure I'll have more questions for you...
You are at the edge of a forest looking into a field. What do you see off in the distance?
>> A house
Okay, a house. How far away is the house?
>> Very far
Is there anything between you and the house?
>> A river
What color is the river?
>> It is white foam. But sometimes the entire scene seems to invert in colors and it becomes a river of red blood.
What color is the forest behind you?
>> Incredibly black
Is there anything in front of you between you and the river?
>> A skeleton/witch
How far away is it?
>> 5 feet
What is the skeleton/witch doing?
>> Approaching me
What is the skeleton/witch's facial expression?
>> Mirthful, mocking, malicious, mischievous
The skeleton/witch walks toward you. It has a malicious/mirthful face. It puts its bony hand on your shoulder. What do you do?
>> I push the skeleton/witch away.
What are your feelings toward the skeleton/witch?
>> Anger
Anger, huh. What's the reason for that?
>> You have no permission to touch me.
Do you say anything to the skeleton/witch?
>> No
So, you pushed the skeleton/witch. What happens after that?
>> It has a look of exultation/rejoicing
What happens next?
>> The witch softens and puts a human hand on my shoulder this time.
What do you do?
>> I look to see the witch's face.
What does the witch look like?
>> The witch is youthful. She has soft eyes.
What happens next?
>> The witch is looking at me in an ambiguous way.
Ambiguous... how so?
>> She is like the river that was white and then suddenly turned crimson. She could become malicious at any time. Her appearance seems to flicker back and forth between the soft and the malicious.
Select a name for the soft aspect of the witch:
>> Aya
Select a name for the malicious aspect of the witch:
>> Vulture
What happens next?
>> The witch flickers back and forth and with it the whole world
What do you do?
>> I back away from the witch
Okay, you start backing up. But, there's a dark forest behind you... you sense a creature or dark presence coming from the forest and pause to look behind you. What do you see?
>> Black tentacles endless in both directions coming out of the forest
Select a name for the black tentacles:
>> Blood
What happens next?
>> The tentacles continue to flail around, but as I retreat back into the forest, they actually do not attack me. The forest trees part to either side and create a path for me to move backwards into if I so choose.
What do you do?
>> I back up into the dark space on the path created by the dark forest. The tentacles surround me but do not harm me.
How far do you back up relative to the threshold between the forest and the field?
>> I am about 20 feet away from the field.
What does the witch do as you back up?
>> She stands immediately at the threshold between the forest and field, but she doesn't enter into the forest.
Does she do anything else?
>> She is laughing.
What expression does she have when she is laughing?
>> She is in the malicious form when she laughs. But when she cycles back to the soft form every now and then, she looks sad.
What happens next?
>> I am watching her face. The black forest consumes the path with a dense thicket of tentacles such that no person can enter. But I am able to watch her face. The tentacles surround me and envelope me like a thick shield of black muscle.
What happens next?
>> I am watching her face.
What does her face look like?
>> She seems to be spending more time in the soft aspect.
What happens next?
>> Her face starts to change from softness to anguish to fear. She is afraid of the forest.
What does the forest do?
>> The tentacles have surrounded her. That is why she is terrified. She is not able to escape into the meadow. She is trapped in the forest.
What does the forest do next?
>> The tentacles create a path for her as well, and in the thick darkness, she is pulled toward me and we meet in an opening in the center.
Are you still covered in tentacles?
>> The tentacles surround me from behind and coat my skin, but in front of me is a clearing.
What does the witch look like?
>> Once she was pulled into the forest of tentacles, she has become a third person who is neither malicious nor soft.
Select a name for this third person:
>> Elk
What does the third person look like?
>> She is infuriated. But it is not malice.
What is it?
>> Pure rage but without a target
What happens next?
>> The forest extends its tentacles toward her
And then?
>> She draws a sword and ruthlessly, savagely slices the tentacles that approach her. She is really angry.
What happens next?
>> The forest tentacles continue approaching her and she creates a vortex of blades around her that instantly sever and slice any tentacles that approach her.
What happens next?
>> I am in her point of view looking at Cobweb.
What do you see from her point of view?
>> The tentacles are becoming thicker, more muscular, much larger.
What does Cobweb look like?
>> He looks like he is in a coma.
What happens next?
>> The forest forms a very long clearing/path behind Cobweb and to either side. A figure approaches from behind Cobweb.
Select a name for the figure:
>> Mercury
What does the figure look like?
>> Luminous black like polished stone, completely smooth and hairless from head to toe, no clothing, an alien
Anything else noteworthy about the figure?
>> It alternates between male and female.
What happens next?
>> The figure approaches in its male form.
Select a name for the male figure:
>> Yes
Select a name for the female figure:
>> She doesn't want to give her name
Okay, what does the male figure do?
>> It approaches Cobweb.
And then?
>> The male figure speaks to me [Elk the witch]
What does the male figure say?
>> He sneers and says, "How do you like my control? I own all of this forest." Then he has an angry expression and says, "Someone like you should not have wandered in here." And as he says that, the black tentacles surrounding us begin bristling and becoming agitated or restless. They don't encroach upon me or attack me, but it's clear that they really want to.
What do you do?
>> I feel a lump in my throat and turn back into the soft form. Also, my perspective changes back to that of Cobweb looking at the soft form.
What does the soft form do?
>> The soft form changes into a fourth person who is a blinding flash of white light
Select a name for the white light:
>> The white light does not have a name
What does the white light do?
>> The white light pierces or rushes into the center of Cobweb's chest
What does Cobweb's chest feel like when the light rushes in?
>> Cobweb looks down at the light and it dematerializes and leaves only a vague particle vapor where it was. The chest feels tingly and like the heart within it is active.
What does Cobweb do?
>> Sinks back into coma and slumps over, falling lifeless to the forest floor. I am back in the witch's point of view looking at a body.
What happens next?
>> There's a stillness
What happens next?
>> The male figure Yes transforms into the female form.
What does the female form look like?
>> She is absurdly beautiful. Still completely black/smooth alien skin. But unmistakeably a female form.
What facial expression does she have?
>> Unbridled lust. With power.
What does she do?
>> She begins touching herself.
What happens next?
>> Her head leans back and a red light pours out of her throat and out of her eyes. She opens her lips and a pleasurable gasp escapes. A red haze pours out of her lips and the red vapor cloud collects in the air. The area around her turns pink and the whole forest suddenly changes from dark black with a crimson sky, beginning to invert back to an idyllic, pale pastel pink/colored wood of soft, tender life.
What happens next?
>> The scene remains within the tender version, and in this version, the female is a human-looking, skinned female, nude, still touching herself.
And then?
>> The scene switches between this and the black forest version, in which the female is increasingly agitated. Her expression of eroticism seems to mutate and interchange itself with aggression. The light that poured out of her face now has the appearance of blood. Her body is becoming covered in blood. The forest tentacles are dripping with blood. Behind me I see in my mind's eye that the river in the middle of the field has overspilled and now the whole landscape is flooded with blood.
What happens next?
>> My feet are now human feet, and my toes are soft and tender, standing in blood.
What do you do?
>> I look at my feet with a tender expression, as though my toes were in warm pink water created by soap
What happens next?
>> The blood of the whole forest seems to become pink and foamy, as if it were water created by soap
What happens next?
>> The female figure is now in her soft form where she has human skin, but is still in the eroticism of the dark form. She is enchanted and in an intense state of pleasure where she is completely concentrated on her own body and feelings. Her body is curved backwards as though it were struggling to contain the ecstasy.
What happens next?
>> To my left, another clearing appears. This is now a normal bright forest. And there approaches a black bull through this passage that approaches me.
Select a name for the black bull:
>> Dart
What happens next?
>> The bull stops just at my feet. My feet are soft female feet. My whole body is very smooth and I am scarcely clothed. My feet are still in the pink soapy water.
What happens next?
>> The bull is at my feet and it is about a foot long and a foot tall. It is like a small dog. It is bashful and whimpering.
What happens next?
>> I giggle and pick up the bull and kiss it!
What happens next?
>> The bull starts shaking a bit
And then?
>> I look over to my right to where the other female figure was, and where the comatose Cobweb was. The whole forest in that direction is normal. Actually, it's a bit sugary and pink.
What happens next?
>> The other female figure approaches me. She and I look the same. We are both sort of close to nude, have soft skin, and are sort of in love with the pink of the forest.
What happens next?
>> She takes the bull from me and kisses it as well.
What happens next?
>> The bull shakes again
What happens next?
>> She puts the bull down, not in the pink water, but on a patch of forest floor. Sort of like there's a coast. The pink water is very shallow, but the bull is not very big, so she puts him on the dry land.
And then?
>> The black bull turns into a person slumped over. Their skin is blue and discolored and their chest is flushed with a fever.
Select a name for the person:
>> Sick
And then?
>> Sick falls asleep and lies on the ground in the prone position with his arms splayed
And then?
>> The forest floor has orange leaves and a trail of black ants comes out of the leaves and begins to encircle his body. A cloud of small black insects forms above him. The ants below form a circle and the black cloud above forms a sphere. His body is now supine with chest completely open and arms open to either side. His upper body is nude and his skin is soft.
What happens next?
>> The cloud of black insects forms into the figure of a person
Select a name for the person:
>> Xenia
What does Xenia look like?
>> She is wearing a simple black cloak with a white lining at the top. She has the expression of a sorrowful Marian statue
What is she sorrowful about?
>> I am in her perspective. I am looking down at the soft male body. There are many gashes and cuts on the skin.
What happens next?
>> I put my hands to my chest because I feel a glow there, and then I want to curl forward and compress myself into a ball. I want to shrink. I crouch down to the forest floor and prostrate face down into wet orange leaves.
What happens next?
>> A translucent invisible clear yellow light whispers out of my head at the peak and forms a ghostly sister figure that stands in front of my at the other side of the body covered in gashes
Select a name for the whispered ghost figure:
>> I am unable to find a name for her
What happens next?
>> I spot the two semi-nude girls that were previously in the scene. They are far away in the left part of my vision around 11 o'clock.
What are they doing?
>> They are laughing and playing with each other. They have found a pond that is ripe with the pink soapwater and they are frolicking in it.
What happens next?
>> The sick man that the sister and I are near has his arms move and hands go to his chest, as if there were a pain there that he was trying to comfort by holding or touching it with his warm palms. I am now in the perspective of the man on the ground with my hands on my chest.
What happens next?
>> The sister figure in front of me is weeping. She closes her eyes and softly, gently extends her hands and holds one of my hands in it.
What does it feel like?
>> She is so unbelievably gentle. She has taken a liking to one of my fingers and has been stroking it with a couple of her fingers. Everything is so soft.
What happens next?
>> The two sister figures turn into the two semi-nude female figures. Or they seem to flicker back and forth between the two. The semi-nude figures smell like tropical fruit and have a lushness around them that was like the pink water, fragrant and colorful but soft and without abrasion.
What happens next?
>> The gashes on me turn into pale clear fresh skin like that of the two female figures. Or they seem to flicker back and forth between red bloody wounds and soft perfect delicate skin. I am now from the female's perspective looking at the soft male body on the ground transforming back and forth between these two aspects.
What happens next?
>> I am still flickering back and forth between two aspects, the holy and mournful sister who is soft in reverence and the fragrant female
What happens next?
>> The male figure Cobweb to the left has awakened and begins walking toward us. He has a determined expression.
What does Cobweb look like?
>> He has the soft, untarnished, perfect, soft male body identical to that of the male body that the females have been tending to, except that it has no scratches. It is pure human skin.
What does Cobweb do?
>> He continues to approach until he is standing to the left of the body. The other female is standing in front of me, and we occupy positions South [me], West [Cobweb], and North [female] of the soft male body who is still lying on the ground
What happens next?
>> A flood of black flying insects bursts out of the abdomen of the male body and they form a vast cloud above the forest. The forest changes back to not a full black, but a darker version. The bugs have blocked the sun and it is night.
What happens next?
>> The female in front of me turns back into the third aspect of the witch, the dark powerful goddess who is defiant and strong and able to defend herself, ruthlessly when needed.
What happens next?
>> The body at our feet turns into a dark black animal that is curled up into itself, as if it were recoiling and trying to hide from its surroundings. It is like the bull, except it is covered in spines and spikes all around. Yet, these spikes also have the aspect of being something that pierces into the skin of the black animal, and there are wounds where the spikes have protruded and congealed blood at those points. The spines begin to take on the appearance of thin gleaming knives with blades in either direction, both inward painfully piercing the skin and protruding outwards shining radiant light as if to warn of their luminous sharpness
What happens next?
>> One of the knives glows an impossibly bright white and the whole scene seems to fill with white light. I am back in the perspective of the South female gazing at the white light.
What happens next?
>> The male figure to my left turns into a mass of black tentacles. The tentacles pour out of his arms.
What happens next?
>> I feel a red light glowing at my throat.
What happens next?
>> My head unhinges and the top half folds backwards as if it were a toy box being opened. The bright garish red ghost cloud pours out of the opening and fills the immediate surroundings with an equally bright cloud of red fog.
What happens next?
>> The red fog softens into a magenta pink and then sharpens back to red as if to assert that it still remains as crimson
What happens next?
>> The red fog speaks
Select a name for the red fog:
>> Open
What does the red fog say?
>> The fog is in its magenta form.
What does the magenta fog say?
>> It hums a gnarly, gravelly chant. It is a deep bass that causes the whole forest to vibrate and tremble. It is as if everything is consumed by it. The forest turns a deep calm blue, close to black.
What happens next:
>> The chant reverberates. I am now in a mausoleum. There is a tall dome. I am gazing at the ceiling. It is tall.
And then?
>> I have changed to the perspective of the top of the dome of the mausoleum. I am looking downward on a scene with three small figures around a small body
And then?
>> Now I am at ground level looking beside the male body directly at it.
What does the male body look like?
>> It is perfect white. The skin at the chest dissipates and a light blue radiance and cloud begins to form where the chest was
What happens next?
>> The same flood of black insects comes pouring out of the opening and they surround the entire walls of the mausoleum, coating it as if they were trying to paint it completely black. They succeed and become a layer of smooth, viscous, creamy, animated black paint
What happens next?
>> The black paint speaks
What is the voice of the black paint?
>> Unbridled, unrestrained shrieking with all manner of ugliness. It is ugliness seeking to express and animate ugliness for the sake of ugliness.
What happens next?
>> The black paint creates a black person made of paint at the floor of the mausoleum. The black person lets forth a howl and the abdomen shrivels and turns into a dry chalk that crumbles. The head flies backwards and a black sludge oozes out of the neck opening with the consistency of chunky black jam and the appearance of bubbling sewage pitch-black. The eyes shrink backwards and disappear, leaving empty black hollow skeletal cavities where the eyeballs used to be. Black worms and centipedes come pouring out of the empty spaces and soon cover the body. The body is a festering mass of insect life and ooze.
What happens next?
>> I am in the perspective of one of the females, in sister/reverent form. I am terrified of the figure in front of me.
What happens next?
>> The figure approaches me, stops several inches away with me, with the insects still writhing and moving freely in every direction as if the body were a jungle of life. The oozing mass of insects in the form of a body speaks.
Select a name for the black oozing insect figure:
>> Origin
What does Origin say?
>> It says, "How would you hold me when you fear that I will infect you? Do you think your weak frame can withstand being touched by something as sick and unsightly as me? Do you think your fragile compassion is able to bear becoming covered in insects and eaten alive by them? Do you wish to empathize and so become like unto me? What is your soteriology? What is your mode of operation? What is your salvation? What is your objective? What is your destiny?" The insects continue moving and rustling as if they were thousands of leaves swaying in a breeze.
Select a name for the female you are in?
>> Shame
What does Shame say?
>> "My friend, your black sword is too long and pointed. You could pierce my body with it, and I would gasp and sputter and wish to be released from my turmoil. And you would rescind the stab and feel malignant that a person who committed themselves to suffering in your feelings was unable to withstand or live in the stabbing experience that you wished to impose so that there would be a mutual feeling. I am unable to withstand it. I wish to push it away. I wish for you to unexist. I wish you did not appear. But if you were to evaporate, what would be left? What purpose would there be for this beautiful temple? What purpose would there be for the prayer of the rosary? If not to approach someone like you? If I have cut you off from the source of life, where is the line that separates people worthy of life from those unworthy? How shall I ever approach any person if I repel you? But... how shall I ever survive if I allow you to enter me and consume me? I am scared."
What happens next?
>> Origin is wrathful
What happens next?
>> Origin is wroth and says, "You say such things not to console me but merely to comfort myself. You confirm that my existence is perilous and treacherous for all who approach it. You confirm that my presence is unwanted. You seek your own comfort. You would be elated if I were to dissipate. The world shall be a harmonious fishbowl of good things. All the bad things shall be eradicated. They shall be slaughtered as it were. And the bad things shall slaughter themselves for they have nowhere to live. It is a perfect utopia and everything is in perfect harmony. [scathing] The bad things have been eliminated and everyone was pleased and celebrated merrily to have cast out the ruinous evil and malignant bubbling force of suffering. [infuriated] If that is my destiny, then why should I not persist and merely exact torture on the living? Those who would wish me gone are worthy of my vengeance."
What happens next?
>> I take the perspective of Origin. I am looking at the sister figure, and she turns into the vengeful goddess. And she speaks.
Select a name for the vengeful goddess:
>> Exhale
What does Exhale say?
>> "My child, you are bright and beautiful. Your sword gleams with blood that you have brightly slashed into existence through your own efforts. You are an ennobled and brilliant sword. You shall find your way into the best gashes."
What happens next?
>> I am in the body of Origin, but that body has changed into Shame.
What happens next?
>> Shame speaks
What does Shame say?
>> "I am a poison. [weary] I am aspirated toxin. I am deadly fumes. I am hazardous sludge. I know not whether I wish to inflict disaster on the world or remove myself from it to save the world. I know not whether I wish to curse the world and force it to recognize my existence, or retreat into myself."
What happens next?
>> Exhale in front of me turns into the body of the mournful sister.
What happens next?
>> The sister clutches at her chest. I take her perspective.
What happens next?
>> I am back in the forest in the sister, slumped, curled up, beside a corpse. I am bent over, my eyes at ground level, my face pressed into leaves, my chest aching.
What happens next?
>> On the other side of the body is the original black alien-skin male. It is sobbing. It stands there with its hands over its face.
What happens next?
>> I am kneeling on the other side of the corpse still. I cannot approach the black alien man.
Why can you not approach the black alien man?
>> The piercing sensation in my chest will increase. I have my hands over it. The other sister is near the black alien man. She is knelt on the ground in the same posture as me. He takes a sword and impales her with it. She becomes a second corpse beside the first one. Her body turns into a festering black of tentacles.
What happens next?
>> The black alien man looks somber, almost serene. He gazes at me, as a mixture of three persons (alien, Origin, Shame) and says plainly but gently with a touch of sarcasm (his speech causes the feeling in my chest to increase) "Would you try to help me?" He gestures toward my sister who is now a corpse, having been impaled by his violence. He closes his eyes and says, "Would you try to share me?" He sits on the ground and says quietly in infinite remorse, "[murmur] Would you try to excuse my unforgivable actions or pretend that I am safe or harmless when I am not." Then the wrathful aspect flared up, becoming prickly at having been called harmful, and the figure seemed to fight with itself and contort into a cacophony of shapes.
What happens next?
>> The figure turns into the black bull and says with soft puppy-dog eyes, "Would you share me? I'm not sure if I want to be shared... they aren't going to like me... I hurt people."
What happens next?
>> One of the semi-nude girls appears, picks up the black bull, and strokes it lovingly saying, "Oh, you couldn't hurt anyone. You are as harmless as they come." And then the black bull's mouth expands and devours the semi-nude girl's head, then quickly consuming and digesting the rest of her body. The black bull sighs and says softly, "Harmless indeed..." Then the black bull begins shivering.
What happens next?
>> I take the perspective of the black bull. I am looking at the forest around me. It is a blue tint. I turn to my left and see the sister female trembling in fear of her life.
What happens next?
>> I feel scared watching her. I feel scared that if I approach her, she will become panicked. I feel scared that she has good reason to be afraid of me. I feel scared that I will be someone who cannot touch another person without causing them to quiver in fear.
And then?
>> I close my eyes. I bring my palms together and form a mudra with my thumbs. I meditate on the cold blue and the shallow breath trapped between the nostrils and throat. I hold my mudra at chest level and feel it form a warmth as it connects to my heart. The life drains from it when I imagine the fearful sister in front of me still afraid of me, who I cannot comfort because my approaching her would intensify her fear to the point of terror, but who I cannot leave alone because I feel responsible for her, but who I cannot guide to safety because my words will feel like forceful pressures or directions.
What happens next?
>> I become fixed on the sensation of the hands at my chest, the stationary breath, the stasis where I am comfortable. The pale blue light glowing.
What happens next?
>> I imagine the warm breath at my nostrils as if it were a feather reaching down into my throat, and then into the round cavern of my stomach, moving around like a feather duster. Everything is still pale blue luminosity.
And then?
>> I open my eyes and the female in front of me has disappeared and turned into a faint cloud of purple which then dissipates. The forest is quiet dusk with a beautiful blue glow.
What happens next?
>> I light a fire. I pick up the yellow-white flame and bring it to my throat and chest
What happens next?
>> I am done writing
Okay. Adventure complete! Have a nice day. :)
@frigidstars27
The following is a summary of the story -- up until where the black sludge/insect man appears -- with some possible interpretations.
I am at the threshold of a field, with a black forest behind me, a house ahead in the distance, and a river in between that alternates between white and blood red.
The house is seeking connection/relationships.
The river is disconnection.
The forest behind me is complete defensiveness/alienation.
Me being in the field is me starting to approach connection.
The alternating colors of the river are BPD splitting.
The white river is vulnerability, idealizing and longing for others.
The red river is defensiveness, devaluing and distrusting others.
A malicious witch approaches and touches me. I push her away angrily. She turns human/soft and touches me. Then she starts alternating between soft and malicious. I back away into the forest.
The malicious witch is the bad other or interpersonal threat.
The pushing away is defending myself from threat.
The anger is me wanting to be safe.
The witch turning human is her empathizing with my defensive feelings.
The soft witch is the good other who is compassionate.
The alternating is splitting and instability, similar to the river.
The backing away is because the split/unstable other that alternates between good and bad is unreliable.
The retreat into the forest is returning to total devaluation.
The forest grows tentacles. They surround and coat me without harming me. The witch mocks the tentacles. They pull her in. She becomes soft, then fearful, then turns into an angry figure of power. The tentacles attack her and she slices in self-defense. Cobweb goes into a coma, a male black alien threatens the female. She softens and emits a white light that pierces Cobweb. He looks at it and it disappears. He sinks into deeper coma.
The tentacles are defensiveness.
The surrounding me without harming me is the protective function of defensiveness.
The witch mocking the tentacles is external invalidation of defensive reactions.
The tentacles attacking are increased defensiveness/anger in response to invalidation.
The hurt witch is my own aggression/defensiveness hurting other people and causing parallel changes/experiences in them
The softness of the witch is fawn/vulnerability.
The fearfulness of the witch is flight/anxiety.
The anger of the witch is fight/power.
The coma of Cobweb is loss of conscious control
The male black alien is unbridled anger/power
The white light that pierces Cobweb is compassion for the suffering his defensiveness/power causes
Cobweb looking at the the light and it disappearing is conscious thought disrupting vulnerability or emotionality
The return to the coma is giving up on understanding or solving the situation, yielding to unconscious
The return to the coma is also being unable to swallow/accept the fullness of how much suffering my defensiveness has caused to other people
The male alien turns female and lustfully masturbates. The area turns pink and she turns human. Both flicker back to black. Still masturbating, she becomes more agitated/aggressive. The forest is flooded with blood. It has the appearance of soapy pink water to me. I am female and have soft toes in the water. The female alien experiences ecstasy.
The gender change to female is turning away from defensiveness toward comfort or restoration/recovery.
The masturbation is desire for peace/pleasure in immersive trance.
The lust is desire to express and purge accumulated emotions.
The black forest turning to pink and alien turning human are absorption in peace/pleasure distracting or drowning out negative feelings
The renewed/increased agitation is the re-surfacing of aggression as the peace/pleasure leads to increased vulnerability and openness
The flooding of the landscape with blood is the reconnection with the emotional core of aggression
The continued masturbation is that this openness to anger is experienced positively and identified with in a pleasurable way that does not disturb one's peace or break one's feeling of immersion
The pink water is anger giving way to softness and to playfulness once it has been purged
The soft toes are feelings of cuteness and feminine identification based on absorption in soft/playful feelings
The continued ecstasy is pleasure in this soft/playful phase
The continued masturbation is pleasure in multiple emotional/energetic states
A whimpering bull approaches and stops at my feet. I pick up the bull and kiss it enthusiastically. It starts shaking. Another similar girl does same thing to bull. She puts bull on land away from water. Bull slumps over and becomes person lying down prone. Insects/bugs encircle the body. Body is on back and become soft.
The whimpering bull approaching is the re-emergence of sensitivity interrupting the playful/extraverted feeling.
The bull pausing at me feet is it hoping for compassion, softness, and kindness.
Me kissing the bull is spontaneous expression of playful energy.
The bull shaking and being fearful of the water and girls is sensitivity being overwhelmed by spontaneous, playful energy.
The girl putting the bull on land rather than in the water is a protective gesture
The bull slumping over is shame in response to sensitivity/overwhelm.
The bull becoming a person is the turning from a completely vulnerable mode to a mixed mode that includes some thought.
The person being prostrate is the bull seeking relief from suffering.
The black insects pouring out are thoughts and reactions.
The insects forming a circle is the reverent, sacred, ritualistic nature of these thoughts in being so deeply connected to vulnerability.
The body becoming soft is this emotional and cognitive processing leading to relief
The body being on its back is receiving positive, comforting feelings in this openness
Insects form into devout Christian nun. She sees gashes on body and puts hands to chest, feels glow. She wants to curl up, bends and prostrates. Yellow light pours from crown of her head to form second Christian nun. The two playful girls who kissed the bull frolic together in water in the distance.
The nun forming is expressing that this emotional processing is reverent and compassionate.
The nun noticing the gashes is self-compassion.
The nun putting her hands to her chest is noticing physical/emotional responses and tending to them gently.
The nun feeling a glow at her chest is the comfort of self-soothing.
The nun wanting to curl up is her wanting to ease suffering.
The nun prostrating is her yielding to suffering and being peaceful/non-violent with it rather than fighting with it.
The yellow light at the crown is the immersion or absorption in this processing.
The two Christian nuns are two types of peace: the emotional relief of compassion, and the neutral, centered-awareness peace of the trance state
The distance of the playful girls from the current scene is the felt distance or difference between this solemn/reverent emotional processing and the playful/extraverted experience
The man puts hands to chest and feels warmth of palms. Christian nun weeps and softly holds his hand. Females alternate between Christian nuns and playful girls who are now soft, fragrant, and relaxing. Male body alternates between soft skin and red wounds.
The man putting his hands to his chest and feeling warmth is a continuation of the self-compassion theme.
The nun weeping is empathy.
The nun holding the man's hand is compassion.
The nun's hand being soft is the safety and non-violence of this compassion.
The re-emergence of the playful form is the opening to and integration of playful energy once soft energy has been expressed and satisfied.
The fragrance/softness of the playful girls, contrasted with the bull whimpering and shaking in their presence before, is reflecting that soft and playful energy have been integrated and playful energy has become non-violent
The alternation of the male between between softness and wounds is the interplay between awareness of suffering and compassionate relief of suffering; feelings of suffering bubble up and are soothed/relieved as they arise, leading more feelings to bubble up so they can be soothed/comforted also.
The parallel alternation of the male (wounds/soft skin) and female (nun/playful) suggests a parallel mapping where compassion is adapted to suffering and playfulness is adapted to happiness.
Cobweb wakes up and walks toward scene with determination and soft skin. Black insects flood from male body turning forest black. Nun turns into ice goddess. Male turns into bull pierced by defensive spikes. Spikes glow white. Cobweb turns into tentacles. Ice goddess feels red light at throat that comes out as red cloud of fog. Fog alternates to magenta.
Cobweb waking up is the re-emergence of conscious will, thought, and external/worldly relations after unconscious elements have been integrated in a purely personal/private situation.
Cobweb being determined and having perfect skin is that the prior purification has increased his energy.
The flood of black insects is the return of thought, conflict, and anxiety interrupting the previously calm situation.
The forest turning black and Cobweb growing tentacles are the change in mood from calm vulnerability to a more intense state.
The female turning into the ice goddess is the return of defensive self-protection in light of the increased emotional intensity.
The male returning to the bull is the return of fear/anxiety.
The spikes piercing the bull represent the suffering of defensiveness, sensed and felt in contrast to the prior experience of the peace of non-defensiveness.
The white glow of the spike is the attempt to replicate the prior immersion/trance whereby anger and defensiveness were previously processed successfully.
The red light at the throat is emotional connection with anger
The red fog pouring out of the body is release of anger
The softening of the red to magenta is parallel to the prior forest turning pink and is anger giving way to other softer feelings once it has been purged.
The red fog does a deep chant. The forest turns calm, dark blue and then turns into a mausoleum. The male body has a light blue radiance.
The chant is the immersive expression of masculine energy.
The calm, dark blue and radiance of the male body are the empowered calmness of masculine energy that has been centered.
@frigidstars27
Summary of the summary:
* Defensiveness takes its first steps toward connection.
* There is an unpleasant interpersonal encounter.
* This leads back to retreat and defensiveness.
* This defensiveness creates conflict and hurts the other person.
* This leads to an even deeper retreat from the world.
* Pleasure is sought in this retreat for relief.
* Some aggressive/defensive feelings are transmuted and processed in this pleasure.
* As a result, some playful/positive feelings arise.
* But those wound a more vulnerable side and also emerges.
* The vulnerable side splits and self-soothes in compassion.
* A gentler, softer, less wounding playfulness re-emerges and re-integrates.
(At this point, there is a tentative or preliminary balance or integration of personal/private experiences of aggression, softness, and playfulness where all three of these energies are able to flow in and out of one another. But there still remain other things that haven't been integrated yet...)
* The worldly/social self reappears seeking integration.
* A preliminary transmutation of masculine power is found in the stoic equanimity of meditation.
(And this is where I stopped summarizing.)
For the next 4-5 days, I will be taking a "break" from this site. I haven't decided exactly what this means yet, but the options I'm mulling are:
1) Limit my usage of 7Cups to posting in this thread for myself
2) Avoid 7Cups altogether
Either way, I will be completely selfish for the next few days.
***
Reasons for break:
1) Real life stuff
I have 6 days straight of real-life social obligations that I don't normally have. (Today was Day 2.) This is eating up a lot of my free time, and it's also creating a sense of "I'm spent and don't have anything left to give."
2) Site stuff
Prior to the social obligations, I've already been experiencing a lot of conflict and confusion about my relationship to this site. My reasons for being on this site are to express myself and benefit other people; right now, I don't feel like I'm doing either as well as I want to. (I wouldn't say I'm failing, but I'm definitely feeling dissatisfied or like I want to stop and evaluate.)
***
I'm also noticing some parallels to recent experiences on Facebook. This was how that went:
1) Honeymoon phase
Wrote freely on the site for 2-3 weeks with relatively little conflict, very positive experience
2) Discomfort
Finished writing all of the easy stuff and started encountering harder topics where I wasn't sure whether I felt comfortable posting about them
3) Failure
Attempted writing about some of those less comfortable topics, but with mixed results and a feeling of significant danger/risk that I wasn't able to shake off (and also wasn't comfortable writing about).
4) Risk aversion
Started playing it safe by continuing to post stuff but with the knowledge that I was deliberately avoiding certain topics, thoughts, or feelings. Lost a certain spark or sense of innovation, excitement, or freedom that I had when I first joined and started writing.
5) Stagnation/desperation
After several weeks of posting stuff I didn't care as much about, feeling like I was stagnating, and receiving less and less engagement from other people, I reached a crisis point where I decided I either needed to take a huge risk and write super-openly about all of the things I was uncomfortable posting, or I needed to leave the site.
6) Decision
I decided to leave the site because I felt uncomfortable taking such a huge risk.
***
This is a vastly different community than Facebook though. The topics I was uncomfortable discussing on Facebook are things that I've already gone far beyond in my writing on here.
@frigidstars27
I think it is a good thing that you are able to identify the need of a break. Even if there are more things that you haven't shared, I think you have been very brave and already shared a lot. Take good care of yourself, I hope I will read you again in a few days 
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for understanding my wanting to take a break, supporting me in what I've shared, and encouraging me that it is okay for me to come back and write some more if that's what I want to do.
@frigidstars27
You are very welcome
I hope you are doing ok
@frigidstars27
i think thats great that your aware that you need a break that you realize that and can do it ... concerning your writing i love how much you self analyze and analyze the struggles that other people are going through and i think its really helpful in bringing things to light and into focus for people you are an analytical master unlike ive ever seen before honestly
i hope you come back very soon with your amazing and very helpful unique writing <3
(testing enhanced editor and trying some stuff... will split into a few posts)
Writing format:
- Self-dialogue
- Imaginary self-dialogue with multiple voices
- Characters
- Character names will be composed of two words joined together, similar to default 7Cups usernames (e.g. abhorrentodor)
- Characters may be added, dropped, or changed on the fly
- Characters are permitted to change form freely and be elastic/shapeshifting (like the genie in Aladdin)
- Self-states (parentheses)
- Self-states indicate a general mood, energy, tonality, or flavor to the voice
- This will be indicated by a number in parentheses beside the character name:
- 1 = intellectual, detached, problem-solving
- 2 = aggressive, cynical, defensive
- 3 = vulnerable, small, gentle
- 4 = playful, humorous, cutesy
- 5 = non-verbal, immersive, sensory
- n = non-specific, n/a
- Multiple numbers with slashes indicate a mixed state
- Will use plus (+) to designate a strong self-state and minus (-) to designate a weak self-state
- Personas (brackets) – optional
- Personas indicate a more specific transitory image, identification, or identity associated with a character
- These will be indicated by text inside of brackets
- Initialization
- The chat will start with a character whose self-state is a randomly selected number between 1 and 5
- Reset (triple asterisks)
- I will be taking breaks
- Triple asterisks indicate a logical or temporal separation where I am starting over
***
cuddlybunny(4) [small bunny]
where are my friends? 
warmsnooze(3) [meek/timid bunny with head bowed]
umm... hi... sorry to interrupt... >_<
cutesummer(4) [happy person waving arms]
awww, hihihi!! [runs up and snuggles bunny]
tenderkiss(3/4) [bunny being snuggled]
haha... [smiles]
cutesummer(4) [cute/attractive girl]
how are you?
smallpillow(3) [small, head bowed]
[curls]
delicatewonder(3/4) [girl]
aww... [puts arms around small pillow] 
maladaptivespit(2/3) [self-disgust]
ugh, i'm sorry... you're being so kind to me, and yet, i'm so not worth it
***
immortalwavelength(2)
behold the world in all of its peril
incandescentblade(2) [samurai with hand at side ready to withdraw from sheath]
just say the word and i shall slice mercilessly with all of my might
ignitingvolcano(4/2) [molten liquid spewing playfully]
aha, i shall overwhelm you with my fire
***
spectaclevision(5) [stream of color]
i feel so bright to be immersed in plentiful chaos
ignorantblight(2) [irate]
you speak so stupidly
incessantsmolder(5/1) [contemplative]
what are words
***
mutabletrace(4) [pouting while lying on back on beach towel]
ugh... nobody wants to play with me
friendlyquilt(3/4) [lying next to friend]
[smile] you seem like you'd be a fun person to play with
repressederos(2/4) [scowling]
ugh, like, what am i supposed to do here
mountainpolice(1) [watching carefully]
if you so much as inject any sexuality into this, i will prosecute you for violation of the prohibitions against sexting and inappropriate language. the purpose of this site is to benefit people.
unconscionabledelicacy(1/2) [angry jessica rabbit]
do you think that psychological health lies within your narrow confines
--> smolderingtemptress(2)
i will laugh with glee as i exercise my energy and pull you into my pace... and you shall desperately attempt to escape, but you will not want to
smallsimple(3) [small frail girl praying in prostration]
oh... i don't want to be filled with sensations.
--> chokingparticle(3) [fearful/frantic]
please don't take me... i promise i'll be good
spirittaint(5) [breath]
oh the space
of white and clear
the image on the sailing wind
the heat
4 eroticism
I think I have to stop because I'm noticing a pattern. Whenever 4 appears, it wants to dive head-first into sexuality. It immediately takes on an erotic appearance and begins turning into sexual fantasy.
If I were writing strictly for myself and not sharing, I
[imaginary dialogue between hypothetical other-3 ("2") and listener ("1")]
1: hi
2: hi
1: how are you?
2: sad
2: i was reading someone's writing
2: and... it just triggered something in me
2: like, i felt like all of my fear was activated
2: and, i just feel very sad
1: i'm sorry that that happened 
1: so you feel afraid, but also sad
2: the fear was like an initial feeling when i read this
2: but the sadness was just... a feeling of really strong loneliness
1: what sort of loneliness?
2: i felt like i was on the outside looking in
2: i have an image from when i was very young
2: it's a really personal image
2: because it connects to so many fears
2: and so many feelings
2: i don't know if i want to share it
2: it's like this ball of fear if i focus on it
2: i'm not sure how much of that is the actual experience
2: versus how much of it is me feeling afraid of having it revealed and something happening
1: so, this lonely experience happened, and it reminded you of this really potent image
2: it's a strong feeling
2: i feel like it activates this other side of me...
1: what kind of side?
2: like... i just want to hug myself
2: i feel okay describing the childhood image in an abstract way
1: sure
2: it was me looking at a group of people
2: who were doing something fun
2: and they were doing something that i was really afraid of
2: like, what they were doing was a phobic trigger for me
2: and i felt really left out
2: almost like i wanted someone to come over and give me a hug
2: but they were having too much fun
2: and it's a selfish thing to want to have happen
2: to be noticed or cared for
2: and... that's where i feel this sort of loneliness or sinking feeling
2: but then also this tenderness, like of wanting to hug and care for and nurture myself
2: but then usually it gets interrupted by some other voices that are sort of criticizing that interaction, calling it childish, making fun of it, calling it unhealthy, etc.
2: and then i guess i feel really scared
2: because you can imagine like... here's this vulnerable self... and it's seeking comfort. but then the comfort is interrupted... and if you try to seek it, then you're just going to get beat up on even worse.
1: like if this sad, lonely side lets itself be vulnerable and take in the care/warmth that this nurturing side wants to offer... then this other voice is going to persecute and punish it for that... so the vulnerable side doesn't really have anywhere to go
2: yeah
2: well, it does have somewhere to go
2: it becomes bristly/prickly/angry
1: i wonder what that feeling of anger is
2: i guess it's like... a cornered dog with teeth snarling
2: "i'm in this piteous state looking for whatever scraps i can get, and now you want to take those away from me"
2: like, i'm going to become big and strong so that nobody will be able to bother me
2: i'm going to snarl my teeth and become this angry, fiery thing so that there's a barrier between myself and all of the things that want to hurt me
2: i'm going to become this sort of hardened masculine steel skin where you try to pierce me, but you can't because it's just pure metal with no entry points because [irate] i knew people were going to pierce it so i went through the trouble of turning my skin into sheet metal
1: i'm getting this image of like, sheet metal being something super-uncomfortable. it's like covering your skin in spikes.
2: yeah, exactly.
2: like, it's super-uncomfortable.
2: it's the opposite of relaxation.
2: to be constantly on-edge, hypervigilant, on the lookout for danger, always ready to respond to danger or have a shield up to deflect or block danger.
2: and yet, there's also something about this image where i feel like i can really identify with it in a positive way
2: it's like, this male parent who endures all kinds of things but does it out of care/concern for his family
2: like the hero in the fantasy movie who is being shot with arrows, but he just nobly takes them and suffers them but remains standing and dignified and proudly continues defending his cause
2: this sort of patient endurance
1: so i'm hearing that there's one side of this where it's really uncomfortable and painful to have to endure this. but on the other hand, like it's something noble or heroic to take on suffering and bear it
imaginary dialogue: triggering someone else
if i were to really deeply hurt someone on here or trigger them, i wonder what would happen. trying to imagine how that conversation would go
[t = triggered other, m = me]
m: hi
t: i'm really sorry
m: what for?
t: i'm sorry... i feel like i shouldn't be talking about this
m: i'm not sure what you're talking about
t: [sigh]
t: [wanting to say "i'm sorry" again]
t: there's something i want to talk about, but i'm really afraid that it's going to mess things up
t: and i'm also really confused about it
t: so i feel like it's definitely something where it's in my own best interests to keep it to myself
t: and yet i feel like, i also should be able to say what i want to
t: but, i feel like it won't do any good... i'm sorry for being so confused and confusing
t: but i feel like... i shouldn't be apologizing
m: so, there's something you want to talk about
m: but you also feel like it's best to keep it to yourself
m: and like trying to talk about it potentially creates a lot of problems, especially for you
t: i'll be upfront then... you wrote something that really bothered me, or where i felt very uncomfortable while reading it
t: and, i'm not sure what to do about that feeling
t: because, i want to think of you as someone who's my friend
t: and yet, there's also this thing you've written where i feel really hurt or fearful
t: but then i wonder how much of that is my own reactions
t: and then i feel so many different things and i have no idea where to go from there...
m: so if i'm understanding, i wrote something where you felt a lot of suffering from reading it
m: and you felt really hurt or uncomfortable as a result of it
m: and you're wanting to express that and share that with me... the fact that i wrote something that hurt you
m: and you really want me to be aware of that and understand that
m: and you want me to accept your feelings and be conscientious/supportive
m: but you're also really worried about what might happen if i wasn't, or if you sharing that possibly had all kinds of negative effects on me, or made things more difficult for you
t: yeah, like... i'm really conflicted
m: what about?
t: freedom
m: yours or mine?
t: your freedom to write, but also my freedom to not feel awful... and me wanting to connect with people... and me wanting to be able to express my feelings without the world bursting into flames
m: those feelings being the fact that you had this strong reaction while reading something that i wrote
t: i want you to care about my feelings and the fact that i feel hurt or scared or unhappy reading what you wrote
t: i also don't want you to feel threatened or like i'm accusing you of being a bad person
t: though deep down, i'm not sure if maybe i do think worse of you for having written that
t: and then i turn that back onto myself by thinking, "you shouldn't judge someone else"
t: and then it devolves into a question about whether i can trust my feelings, what exactly it means for something to be right or wrong, and this question of... what is the line where i can say that someone hurting me is doing something wrong, versus me being sensitive
t: i hate that word sometimes, "sensitive"... the way it's used in most contexts is just to malign people
t: "you're so sensitive"
t: "you're so thin-skinned"
t: it's really hard
t: if i share any feelings, those are the kinds of comments i'm going to receive
t: and if someone has said something that hurts me... well, there's two outcomes
t: the first is that i tell them i'm unhappy and they're sort of outraged like, "i've done nothing wrong. it's your problem. you're overreacting." and then because they're angry or feel attacked, they start turning all of this venom back on me... and while i'm still in this vulnerable state, they're suddenly now doing everything they can to tear me apart.
t: so that's one outcome.
t: the other outcome i'm imagining is if this other person that i told this to was someone who was... really sensitive, heartfelt, and really cared a lot about wanting to be a good, kind, compassionate, gentle, non-violent person
t: and that's the kind of person where, if they're anything like me, they might be overwhelmed with guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, self-doubt, depression, etc. if i were to tell them that they had hurt me in any way
t: and then i'd feel really guilty that maybe i was wounding or hurting this other person by sharing with them the fact that they actually wounded me.
t: and maybe i also feel a bit of annoyance that in this situation, that it's still all about the other person and me trying not to hurt them. like, at what point is it okay for me to stand up and say, "you've hurt me. and i know this is uncomfortable for you and probably not what you want to hear. i value your feelings, and this isn't about me trying to make you feel bad. i just feel like for my own sake, i really need to express this, and i really want you to understand my feelings and where i'm coming from."
m: that sounds pretty nice what you just said
m: establishing that this isn't anything malicious from your end
t: well, but that's what i'm not sure about
t: like, sometimes i'm really angry and i do feel really spiteful
t: and it goes hand in hand with a sort of alienated feeling of like, "if everybody is going to spit on me and tell me how rotten and hypersensitive and anxious and f--ed up i am, then i'm kind of sick of being nice to people who don't deserve it."
t: like, why am i being so gentle and meticulous to try to avoid hurting people who don't have any of the same tact, gentleness, open-mindedness, or conscientiousness when it comes to my own feelings?
m: sort of like, why am i bending over backwards and hurting myself to try to accommodate people who aren't giving me the same courtesy in return?
t: i guess the one thing that really comes to mind is...
t: i don't want to be like those people
t: like, the only thing i have is that, at least i'm not hurting people
t: as awful as i might feel, at least i can differentiate myself and say that i'm not an evil, mean, cruel person like all of the people who have really messed me up in certain ways
t: so, the thought of possibly turning into something like that... in order to try to rescue myself or something like that... it just feels like i'm destroying the one thing i'm able to grasp onto
t: and it's like, it undermines the very values that i'm trying to use to protect/shelter my own feelings
t: if i want other people to agree with me that sensitivity is worthy of consideration... then i can't become someone who tramples on other people's sensitivity
t: i can't hurt people if i want to be able to consistently ask others to be caring and kind toward my own feelings
t: and my feelings are sometimes really hard to be kind toward or know how to handle...
t: so that's a feeling i have... that me not wanting to hurt people is because i feel like that's the only way i can support my own sensitivity without feeling like a hypocrite
t: and it's also like, if i hurt someone else in certain ways, it almost feels like i am doing it to the part of me that is sensitive/delicate and has been hurt in those ways
t: if i wound someone else, i'm wounding myself
t: and sometimes i'm actually more hurt by it than the other person might be
t: they might walk away unscathed, and yet i'm hurting because the things i said felt like they were piercing the part of me that feels really sensitive, vulnerable, and desirous of safety/comfort
Fresh set of self-states:
1) Martyr - laborious, self-sacrificing, dedicated
"I will help other people and avoid hurting them no matter what."
2) Cynic - defensive, selfish, aloof
"I won't let myself get exploited by people who want to suck me dry."
3) Comforter - soft, caring, optimistic
"Hi--it's okay to feel peaceful or fragile. Fragile people are my favorite to hug. [cuddles with you]"
***
In terms of the other self-states (1-5):
-Comforter is definitely a 3-4 hybrid
-Martyr is a magnified version of the responsible/deliberate aspect of 1
-Cynic is 2 with a bit of 1 mixed in (2 being this misanthropic "I hate everyone" side while 1 is more of a calculating "given that I hate everyone, here are the steps I'm going to take to avoid getting exploited", lol).
I like all of them. They're all doing cool stuff. Cynic is protecting itself, Martyr is protecting other people, and Comforter is in some kind of tripped-out fairy land of kitten whiskers and unicorns. :D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlLhw1mtCFA
@frigidstars27
I am having a bit of an issue with writing lately, therefore I am a bit late commenting the previous posts too. I want to say that it feels pretty awesome to me that you are able to have your self-states interacting this way. There is a lot I can relate to, for instance your [4] self-state wanting to dive into sexuality and being censored because... well, this is 7cups and there are guidelines...
I wanted to ask you something, you do not have to answer of course if you do not feel like to. Do you think you could explain your self-states in terms of DID?
@admaiorasemper
Hi--I've been having issues with writing too. :) Thanks for reading and commenting.
Sexuality, self-states, and censorship
I'm actually pretty happy to hear that your [4] state has sexual associations too.
One of these days, I'll figure out how to write all of that stuff in such a way where I don't feel like I'm breaking the rules or deserve to get banned. :) Maybe it'll be some really clunky '1' (analytical) type thing where it's like a treatise or research document that's so dry and detached that nobody could possibly get off from reading it, lol.
I've written some stuff on here already that has mild sexual or violent content, but I guess there's a big difference between a news reporter in a helicopter saying blandly "Yup, there's a house" versus an investigative reporter on the ground going through the house with a video camcorder and really capturing and vividly documenting all of the fine sensory/emotional details of what that house is like. :) There's a boring way of describing things and then there's a fun way--and the fun way will (justifiably) get me banned, haha.
Honestly, sexuality is something I keep coming back to because I feel like it's something I've learned a huge amount from and that I find really beneficial. Like, there's been some discussion on 7Cups about unifying, synthesizing, or integrating self-states... and I feel like where that happens most clearly or vividly for me is in my experience of sexuality.
I had an experience last weekend where I was fantasizing and got into a place where soft '3' and playful '4' were pretty intertwined and happy. Then I started thinking about how I couldn't write/share that here, and I got a bit mad... so then angry '2' energy started popping up a little bit. And then the cool thing was that '2' energy started getting incorporated into the sexual fantasy as well, and the synthesis became even more expansive/complete than it already was. So, I had 2, 3, and 4 all working together. And from a certain perspective, that's pretty awesome and could be viewed as a sort of achievement. But the hilarious thing is, as soon as '2' entered the fantasy, it just became *even more* X-rated, problematic, unshareable, and banworthy than it already was... lol.
(And I mean, there are really sticky/legitimate moral problems there, independent of forum guidelines. The 3-4 fantasies are pretty innocuous, other than the fact that I might be sexualizing/objectifying certain psychological states or physical things. But once 2 gets included and there are now aggressive tendencies... it makes sense and feels acceptable from my perspective in that moment, but I could 100% imagine someone reading that and feeling very disturbed by it. When I start imagining someone else who's sensitive to that reading it, I really want to stop myself and apologize and give them a hug and tell them that I care about them and don't want to hurt them.)
Anyways, I felt some resolution/peace when this happened, because it sort of settled something for me that I'd been thinking about. I can feel confident that there exist some things that are pretty healthy and psychologically helpful, but which would result in me getting banned if I posted them here in a pure/undiluted form. So, I can conclude as well that just because the forum guidelines prohibit something doesn't necessarily mean that that thing is evil, bad, or worthless.
DID, self-states
That's a really interesting question. @NoneTheWiser wrote something I'm going to quote that I found helpful that's sticking for me, which is that there might be a spectrum/continuum of different experiences of splitting. And in that sort of picture, DID could be seen as the strongest sort of splitting.
"...I recall reading about the emotional fragments, then more fully-developed identities within the same person but sharing same values/memories/history (I think without amnesia and less obvious switching), and completely different people with their own name/self/memories/history (with amnesia and clearer switching) - DID"
When I think of DID, I do think of this sort of amnesia and complete splitting where there are distinct selves operating independent from one another. (Like Jekyll/Hyde where Hyde does stuff at night that Jekyll has absolutely no recollection of.) That type of total splitting isn't something that I've experienced, and that's what I tend to think of as DID, so I don't self-identify as having DID.
I tend to think of self-states in terms of some other contexts in which it would be considered something pretty healthy or normal (i.e. Jungian psychology with animus/anima and cognitive functions; Taoist duality/oscillation, Buddhism notions of impermanence/emptiness; humanistic notions of spontaneity, ambiguity, complexity, and openness to change accompanying self-awareness).
Hey everyone... just wanted to write here to make it clear that I still love your posts, I'm excited by them and happy to see them, and... I'm not ignoring them. :)
Have been staying late at work several days in a row, had a social thing in evening tonight... and am trying to fastidiously maintain certain self-care routines that are necessary for keeping the train vitalized and preventing everything from derailing. (Exercising and having to eat 2x as much food per day to compensate for my metabolism flexing/swaggering is taking up an additional ~90 minutes per day... but it's pretty OP and putting in work on a bunch of different fronts... energy-wise, emotion-wise, trance-wise... so it's checking all of the boxes and also boosting/supporting social/work stuff through the increased energy... so I can't complain.)
I think I had a week or two where I was on here non-stop, before I started exercising and before work got super-busy, and I've been measuring my recent activity (or lack thereof) against that as a baseline... and it's not really fair for me to do that to myself since there are only so many hours in a day.
Earlier in the week, I was a lot more active on here, and it was really fun/stimulating... but I was also getting less than 6 hours of sleep per night several days in a row. For me normally, that's not enough sleep. But for me while I'm exercising, it just feels even worse. :) Based on recent experience, the holy trinity for being able to exercise without feeling like death the next day seems to be: sleep + food + water.
I guess mainly want to express that my non-responsiveness has nothing to do with anybody else doing anything wrong, or with anything at all on this site. :) Keep being awesome... I will be back.
Did a concept map--using my desktop as a makeshift whiteboard (littering it with .txt files with auto-arrange and grid snapping turned off), and then drawing lines/circles on the resulting screenshot in Paint.
Sort of feels like a way to take a disheveled mess and create an opportunity for intuition to pop up and say, "I care about these things; ignore these other things". Or "These things feel similar and like they belong together". Those types of gut instincts/decisions manifest visually.
If I do this repeatedly, the gut instinct becomes a bit stronger/clearer each time and more decisive in its judgments. Certain things that were options at the beginning are no longer options and other things bubble up as being more critical. I feel increasingly confident ignoring certain things and concentrating on others... as well as identifying a hierarchical structure in which different thoughts/items are assigned a status of either being high-level concepts or low-level details.
I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I want to write about!!
I have a full 2 weeks' worth of topics that I haven't been able to write, each of which would probably take 1-2 hours to tackle. (And this post alone just aggregating/listing everything I want to talk about is 1-2 hours by itself.)
This is one of the other reasons I haven't been able to respond to other people's posts. I feel like if I start engaging with stuff outside of myself, I'm going to get distracted and forget everything I want to talk about. So... to remedy that, am putting together a list here so that I can feel like it's okay for me to temporarily forget about stuff.
And it'll help me feel a little better just to convey this fact of, "Nope, I haven't been asleep for the past 2 weeks... here are all of the things I haven't written. ;)"
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List of topics I've planned to write about since returning from 7Cups hiatus (within past week):
-Reasons for creating a list of writing topics (i.e. outstanding topics prior to hiatus, new topics arising during hiatus, fear of losing potentially valuable information, drawing comparison to dream writing and necessity of writing things before they vanish, desire to create space for new writing, feeling of inevitability of needing to purge/express experiences, crowded mental space, distracting from other aspirations, discussion relationship between free/open mental space and personal well-being/ability to be of help to others, sense of overwhelm with unprocessed experiences)
-Factors for when writing is best done offline/not shared on 7Cups (e.g. 5-ish expression conflicts where act of expressing destroys thing being expressed by distracting from initial experience or introducing foreign energy, difficulty of accurate expression, violation of forum rules, violation of moral norms, lack of external interest, vital things that are too important to risk, harm to other people, influence upon other people, limiting others' freedom, limiting own freedom, risking overidentification or shaping others' perceptions of me in a way that doesn't match reality, loss of anonymity/fluidity, risk of real-world friends stumbling across this thread and being able to identify what I write here as belonging to me)
-Comprehensive model of personal experience of sexuality (i.e. multi-dimensional experiential categories, associations/connections to self-states, how to write sexual experiences without violating forum rules, potential applications to constructing a broader model of interpersonal experiences)
-7Cups time management
List of topics I planned to write about during 7Cups hiatus (1 week ago):
-Real-life social interactions/experiences during 7Cups hiatus (e.g. K politics/7Cups discussion and challenges; T defensive wall and devaluation/degradation/loss of contact with experiences; N and J approaches to emotional)
-Extreme haunted houses (i.e. what they do, my reaction to them, moral evaluations, discussion of consent, associations with BDSM, comparison to norms of BDSM, discussion of BDSM dynamics... broader discussion of personal associations with S/M and past thoughts while reading "Venus in Furs", past relationship reaction to my expression of these dynamics and my reaction to their reaction, legal evaluation of extreme haunted houses, extent to which legal and moral norms line up, specific allegations associated with specific haunted houses, discussion of complaints in petition, extent to which I agree/disagree with complaints in petition, discussion of possible social conservative critique of extreme haunted houses that could be applied to BDSM experiences, qualitative analysis of negative responses to extreme haunted houses and discussing whether I agree/disagree with these responses, etc.)
-Experience of integrating 2/3/4 energy in sexual fantasy (i.e. how self-states flow back and forth during sexual fantasy, value of this integration, that there exist psychologically beneficial topics/thoughts/feelings that are in violation of 7Cups posting rules, discussion of implications, clarifying my position on forum rules, empathizing with others' feelings about forum rules) [I actually wrote this post a week ago but decided at the last minute not to share it]
-Analysis of interaction with @feelitinmybones 2 weeks ago
-Model of interpersonal interactions (e.g. self-expressive vs. other-centered, different approaches/philosophies with respect to other-centered writing, associations with psychotherapeutic schools, broader questioning of what it means to help others, relationships between personalities/sub-personalities and different strategies/approaches to helping, discussion of research/evidence base for various approaches, discussion of objective vs. subjective justifications as reflective of broader personality differences and philosophical differences, etc...)
-Recent experiences with piano improvisation (i.e. 3.5 hour piano improvisation I did a week ago that I was considering posting on here but decided not to, differences from the last time I played 6 months ago, changes in feelings toward music)
List of topics I planned to write about before 7Cups hiatus (2 weeks ago):
-Revisiting past dream writing in this thread for further analysis or attempted integration/organization into a new intrapersonal system (i.e. dream with white/black bugs and bookshelf; attempt to draw connections between this and experiences on 7Cups or in real life since that dream and initial writing occurred)
-Revisiting past "adventure" writing (i.e. continuing at point where I stopped analysis with figure made of sludge, creating model of existing analysis)
-Performing new "adventure" writing (i.e. attempting the same exercise again with completely new setting, or attempting to revisit same scene and approach character)
Other topics I thought of which are interesting to me but don't feel I can approach right now because they're too volatile (or feel like they possibly require other writing topics above to be explored successfully first with minimal negative social repercussions as a prerequisite for feeling safe diving into these):
-Motivations for wanting to share writing on 7Cups
-Discussion of physical/energetic/ethical aspects of sexuality (i.e. variations of abstinence, different religious perspectives, discussion of ethics of pornography)
-Discussion of addiction models (i.e. extent to which I agree/disagree with them as a way of contextualizing or describing my experience of sexuality)
-Sharing music preferences and associations with self-states (i.e. how I use my music preferences to track changes in self-states, which specific things I've been listening to... reasons for not sharing all of this, which connects with other topics)
-Discussion of personal gender identity (i.e. masculine vs. feminine, Jungian associations, Taoist associations, gender stereotypes, varieties of feminism, feelings of identification and alienation with respect to feminism, fears of discussing feminism)