writing space

***Trigger warning for descriptions of emotional abuse***

Something important happened today. Will say ahead of time that it went well. But I need to give some context.

Background

Person 1 is a relative of mine who is about 3x my age. She is an experienced spiritual practitioner who has worked as an energy healer and been doing yoga/meditation for decades. Generally, she is a remarkable human being who is wise, compassionate, and curious about the world. She has always had a lot of positive things to say about me: that I am unique, intelligent, creative, and have an amazing gift to share with the world. I knew her growing up, but within the past 5 years we've started communicating more and have been calling/writing back and forth and discussing religion, psychology, spirituality, etc. For most of that stretch of time, she was one of the only people I knew who had an interest in discussing those topics and was able to understand/appreciate some of my perspectives.

I have a conflicted relationship with her. About a year ago, I was going through a very difficult period. I was working through the ripple effects of a (recent) abusive relationship I had experienced the year before. I was also in the midst of restarting a romantic relationship with someone I had dated for 3 years back in college and trying to adjust to that. While all of this was happening, I had several very negative experiences with A, both by phone and in person, where the conversation was basically her lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so unhappy, that I am too withdrawn, that I need to open up and trust other people, that I need to be grateful, that there's a big world out there of exciting experiences, etc. Just force-feeding all of this toxic positivity.

Things stabilized and A expressed interest in meeting my girlfriend, so the three of us met up. During this meetup, an incident where A knowingly tried to sit somewhere that was marked "do not sit here". My girlfriend interpreted A's behavior as A being old and needing somewhere to sit due to the heat and physical frailty. Based on my experiences/knowledge of A, I interpreted the event differently. A was probably in better physical condition than I was due to decades of yoga and related practices, so it wasn't related to frailty. A knew the seats were restricted but just didn't care.

I didn't feel comfortable sitting somewhere that I wasn't supposed to, so I refused to sit where A was sitting. A spent about 2 hours ripping me up for this. A said that I need to be open to new experiences, that I can't keep putting myself into narrow boxes, that I can't always be bound by rules, that I keep trying to control things, that I have to take risks, that I'm so closed off and need to get out of my shell, that my vision of the world is too small and pessimistic, that I need to be open to trying things that are uncomfortable, etc. It just went on and on with her listing all of these things that she saw as defects in my personality. At no point was I able to get her to understand my side of the situation, which is that I believe in respecting another person's private property and feel that I don't have a right to use something that doesn't belong to me. Nor was I able to find a way to defend any of the parts of myself that she felt were bad/wrong and needed to be fixed.

My girlfriend took A's side in the conflict, and the resulting conflict/dynamics caused our relationship to rapidly deteriorate and end within about a month. My proposed mode of conflict resolution (both of us take turn listening to and understanding one another) was shot down as being too legalistic, and she expressed disdain/confusion when I described empathy as temporarily bracketing off my own perspective to step into another person's. The final dealbreaker for me was when I spent 4 hours listening to and mirroring my girlfriend's side of the conflict, but upon request she was unwilling/unable to mirror back even a single sentence of my perspective and what I was experiencing.

I feel really good about how I handled the conflict with my then-girlfriend. I recognized that my needs were not being met, I developed a strategy for how to get my needs met that was also respectful of her needs, I communicated what I wanted and what I was willing to offer in return for reciprocity, came up with criteria for how to decide whether or not to end the relationship. She rejected all of my solutions and failed all of my tests/criteria so spectacularly that there was no ambiguity or grey area. So, I ended the relationship and felt completely confident that I had made the correct choice.

Today

A phoned me up for the first time in a year and we talked for about 90 minutes. I didn't originally plan on sharing much of anything with her. (I still haven't shared any of the above thoughts/feelings with A.) The conversation actually went very well though.

A started giving me the usual lecture me about how I'm a brilliant person with amazing things to say, and I need to be more engaged with other people because they need to hear what I have to say. I was sick of hearing the second part of this and also felt a bit annoyed by the assumption that I wasn't doing anything meaningful/productive. I interrupted her and briefly described what Internet forums are and (very generally) what I was doing on this forum. She really liked hearing about it and thought it was wonderful.

Another topic that came up was her telling me about positive affirmations she does at night and when she wakes up in the morning (e.g. I am healthy, I am grateful, I like myself, etc.). As usual, she wanted me to do these. This time around, I was able to give a very clear and direct "No" and I was able to fully explain my reasoning when she asked why I didn't want to do them. Those affirmations feel like they disrespect the fact that I am a complex person with many different emotions. I treasure my negative feelings as much as my positive ones and want to be open to the wisdom that they have to offer. I can't stand the idea of trying to pressure myself into eliminating negative feelings. Maybe other people benefit from these approaches, but I don't. If I do express "love" toward myself, it exists at a more abstract level that transcends specific content and manifests as me just spontaneously thinking/feeling whatever is required of me without presupposing that I need to be a certain thing. To my surprise, she actually understood, and she said something amazing that I told her I definitely agreed with, which is that different people have different ways of doing things.

A is very observant/sharp when it comes to noticing people's moods and feelings. She told me that compared to a year ago, my tone of voice sounded much more confident/self-assured and it made her happy to see that I was growing. I took this as a compliment and agreed with the statement, but I made a point of explaining that nothing about my values, beliefs, or basic self had fundamentally changed. It is just that I am now in a situation (i.e. this forum) where I am able to say things and have them be understood and appreciated. If my self a year ago was less confident, then that is something absolutely understandable and natural. Why would a person have confidence that they're able to express themselves effectively or that they have any value/worth to other people if all of their experiences with other people end in disaster, you know? Like... I refuse to put down the "me" from a year ago or say that it was doing something wrong; it did everything that it needed to do. She seemed to mostly understand this perspective.

In general, something I'm realizing is that she and I just have different language and worldviews when it comes to spirituality/psychology. Whereas she wants to promote relaxation, I want to befriend tension and ask how I can use it to my advantage. Whereas she wants to increase positive energy and eliminate negative energy, I want to integrate negative energy and transmute it with an underlying attitude that it is equal to positive energy and has a valid reason for existing. I like grindcore/death metal and horror movies. I remember telling one of my cousins that every now and then, I like to listen to music that's just stabbing the insides of my ears. :)

I think it can be summarized concisely by saying that I'm a lefty and she's a righty.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-hand_path_and_right-hand_path

In any event, I feel like we were able to understand each other a little bit.

dream

i) bus late

my friend and i are on a bus heading to school. the bus has been traveling for hours. it is going to other schools first. there are a bunch of other strangers we don't know. the bus stops at one of those schools and my friend starts to get off. i yell at him to stay on the bus. it's not the right school. i don't want him to be left behind. my voice is weak and i have to strain for him to hear, but he gets back on.

i don't want to make it to my destination if someone else is left behind in the process.

ii) culture shock

i am at school. i am late but not as late as i expected. i find the classroom. my backpack is full of things i brought from home. things that have nothing to do with school. everyone else in the classroom is preparing for a field trip. i feel glad to be sitting at a table with other people and sort of fitting in. there are some handouts to do, but there isn't enough time--i put them in my backpack and will do them on the bus. i need to use the bathroom and get something to eat first.

i feel dazed to be going to school again after having traveled for so long outside of school. my backpack is full of things that have nothing to do with school.

dream

i) business power

i am in a las vegas casino. everyone there is proud of being there. they are dressed up and networking or boasting. i feel out of place. i just want to creep around unnoticed like a mouse. i don't want to have to turn into that. i don't want to have to fight power with power. please let me just be insignificant. please don't make me turn into that.

i don't want to be powerful.

ii) food scraps

there isn't anything there to eat. everything is meat. important food for important people but inedible for me. i go out into the hallway and find a dirty aluminum tray (there are no plates left) and start trying to find scraps of food to put in there.

there isn't any food for a small person like me.

iii) no brakes

i am driving my car out of the parking lot. the brakes don't work. my car glides forward slowly even though i am braking. i can change direction but can't stop. i am weaving through a parking lot trying not to hit people who are crossing the street unaware of my car.

i don't want to hurt people when i can't stop my car.

Posting this here rather than in the intended thread... because I don't want to crowd a thread that doesn't belong to me or get in the way of the thread owner expressing her own feelings and resolving the conflict through her own efforts. But this flustered me enough to write so much, and I want to post it somewhere.

***

@[...]

Please follow the Community Guidelines, specifically the 1st rule to "remain professional, kind, and respectful toward one another".
https://www.7cups.com/about/communityGuidelines.php

My understanding is that this thread is and has always been a diary thread that belongs to [...]. Currently it is in the "Diary Entries & Connections" forum of "General Support". Previously, it was in the "My Diary" forum of "Trauma Support". The general understanding for diary threads is that they are, like real-life diaries, designed primarily as an expressive space to serve/support a single person. So, the thread creator can rightfully ask anyone (or everyone) to refrain from posting certain types of content in this thread. There are some diary threads where the thread creator goes so far as to say "please nobody except me post in this thread". That is the type of culture surrounding these threads and the context to keep in mind.

Some additional context in this specific case is that this thread used to be in the "Trauma Support" forum. Many of the people who read and participate in this thread have experienced severe interpersonal trauma, so certain language can be very triggering. The harsh self-directed tone you expressed in some of your prior posts would be fine/fair game if this were your own diary thread (and I can totally relate to how you explained it as being helpful for self-motivation). But, in this specific diary thread dedicated to trauma, it had the unintended effect of causing the thread owner to feel unsafe or like her sacred sanctuary for writing was under siege.

Any requests for you to create your own diary thread or refrain from posting specific types of content in this thread are to be understood in this context. The underlying intent is not "get out/you're unwelcome" so much as "this is a designated special/personal space for [...] and her well-being/safety is the absolute highest priority". The invitations to create your own thread may have a more encouraging subtext behind them: "Your thoughts/feelings are valid and interesting, and it would be really great if you were to have your own similar/dedicated space where you could write what you want and people can appreciate what you're doing."

As far as not being upfront/direct about what type of thread this was, I can't speak for anyone else, but personally I felt hesitant to interrupt what you were doing because it seemed like a shame to get in your way when you were making such effective use of the space. :) As others have said, I hope you'll make your own diary thread. I've enjoyed all of your posts that I've seen so far except for this latest one.

Some other elements of your post seem like they may be referencing private interactions with other listeners/members. Per the Community Guidelines, confidential communications should remain confidential.

To mirror what you've said, I agree and understand that someone just coming across this thread or this forum might not have all of this context or background knowledge. That is okay. But, now that all of this has been explained and made clear, the requested boundaries should be respected.

I'm thinking right now about concepts from video games that are applicable to real-life situations.

RPG builds

I'm thinking specifically of games like Diablo where there might be a character concept or theme in mind and your decisions are based on what type of endgoal you're aiming for. Like, if you decide you want to be a mage that casts fire spells, you're going to invest heavily in things that are helpful for that archetype. And the choices you make might be completely different than if you decided you wanted to play as an axe-wielding melee character.

Health meters

I'm thinking about games like "The Sims" where you'll be controlling a character, and there are just all of these different health or need meters. And it's extremely straightforward and concrete what you need to do. "Here are the 8 health meters. If you are able to maximize all of these, then your character is happy."

So it's like there's a couple steps:
1) Identify what are all of the health bars which, if they were all satisfied, would result in a state that could be considered happiness
2) Identify what are the actions which, if engaged, result in optimal satisfaction of each particular health bar?

Speedrunning

The thing that I personally love seeing is people who break games by approaching them with the mentality of a hacker. "If my only goal is to maximize these 8 health bars and I care about nothing else, what is the absolute best/most efficient way to accomplish that?"

I remember a while back, I was playing Runescape, and I was interested in finding all of these absurd ways to maximize in-game profit. It sort of involved looking up the prices of input/output items, testing to see how long each action took, and calculating profit per hour. One of my favorite ones was that there was a "jug of wine" item that cost a certain amount. If you drank the wine, it became a normal "jug" item. The hilarious thing was that the empty jugs were actually worth significantly more than the wine jugs (because people who actually cared about playing the game would purchase them in bulk and use them to train skills). So, one way to make a significant profit was just to purchase lots of wine jugs, give your character alcohol poisoning (or so I imagine), and then sell back the empty jugs.

I just love stupid stuff like that--things that really shouldn't work but they do. People who just try to break everything and get satisfying/unexpected results. :)

***

Treaties/Alliances

Right now, I feel some attraction to the 1st concept of themes or character concepts.

Something I've seen in the past is that there might be multiple themes competing for supremacy. ("I'm the theme that is worth investing in.") And then what sometimes ends up happening is that there'll be different themes or sub-selves sort of trying to form teams with one another. ("Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son." :P) It's an interesting sort of writing exercise, to imagine these sub-selves trying to curry favor and make deals with one another.

Current Possible Themes

I did a different writing exercise and came up with the following 5 themes for the time being.

1) Physical energy
This theme would involve trying to focus on building general physical energy, with the idea that this is sort of a universal resource or currency that is helpful for just about everything. Methodology would focus on trying to create habits centered on basic building blocks like exercise, sleep, diet, etc.

2) Self-protection
This theme would involve trying to build everything around satisfying/defending against known/unavoidable external demands that arise. The two main types are work-related demands and social demands. This theme would start from the question, "What do I need in order to be most effective at handling all of these demands?" and then build from there.

3) Immersion
This theme would involve trying to create a sort of haven full of immersive experiences and maximize pleasurable experiences.

4) Expression
This theme would involve trying to prioritize doing as much theory-crafting, writing, and identity exploration as possible... with the idea of there being long-term benefits in just churning out lots and lots of text and getting comfortable spewing out more and more stuff.

5) Helpfulness
This theme would involve trying to focus on sort of maximizing my impact on other people and being of the greatest possible assistance to them.

Energy/tonality organization

1) Will/intellect [masculine]
Analytical, organized, deliberate, goal-oriented, technical, meticulous, careful, cautious, skeptical

2) Chaos [masculine]
Impulsive, creative, aggressive, rebellious, non-conformist, unconventional, dynamic, critical

3) Sensitivity [feminine]
Warm, gentle, loving, soft, cuddly

4) Playful [feminine]
Cute, humorous, flirtatious, sensual, fluid

When referring to energetic tones, I tend to use numbers as shorthand.
1 = will/intellect
2 = chaotic
3 = sensitive
4 = playful

Likewise, I have shorthand for a whole bunch of concepts related to themes, goals, and activities. I'm not sure exactly how many shorthand elements I have, but I'd estimate probably close to 50.
[Examples: wrk = work, tdl = to-do list, etc.]

Advantages of this shorthand:
1) Being able to create my own words at will, which capture whatever concepts I care about
2) Being able to redefine these words whenever I please, because they're my creations and belong to me
3) Being able to detach my inner language from external associations, connotations, and definitional schemes.
4) Being able to encrypt or mask my inner dialogue.
5) Being able to quickly/accurately/efficiently reference concepts without having to sift through normal English

E.g. instead of having to use the word "mindfulness" and then clarify what I mean by this and distinguish my intended meaning from other people's meanings, I can use my "mnf" shorthand that I already know I've defined in a very specific way. And it feels like a very neutral/controlled word that doesn't evoke any unintended associations except for ones that I've already put onto it.

***

I created another type of shorthand some time ago. I was working on music and already had a notation system to capture musical pitches. But, I was experiencing this synesthesia where musical notes would seem to be felt at different parts of my body. Or I'd be visualizing lines coming out from different spots in my body and linking up to other spots. And I wanted a way to capture that.

What I wound up doing was using numbers to sub-divide visual space into a 3x3 grid. And then I could sub-divide those 9 squares further and pin things down with whatever degree of precision I wanted.

123
456
789

So like I could pick the center square as "5" and then within that would be:

51 52 53
54 55 56
57 58 59

And within 58 would be:

581 582 583
584 585 586
587 588 589

Etc.

To designate lines, I identify points and then put a hyphen between them (e.g. "25-61"). So then I might write ".da 19-28" to designate a D perfect 5th interval just above middle C with a visualized horizontal line stretching from one side of my face to the other at approximately eye level.

Had an unusually strong flare-up of anger at work today:
1) Subordinate was doing sloppy work and making the same mistakes repeatedly despite my having previously given her extensive instructions (in-person walkthrough and written instructions) and corrected her multiple times throughout the week on the same mistakes.
2) Supervisor was giving me excessive work, despite my having previously sent her my assignments list several times throughout the week, provided time estimates for each task, and noted competing task priorities on my primary project.

Originating problems are on the way to being resolved:
1) Subordinate was apologetic and seemed to be beginning to understand the task late today. There will be several opportunities in the near-future for to do the same task again and hopefully learn/master it with repetition.
2) Supervisor understood and reassigned a couple tasks that she shouldn't have given me. I was able to finish several of the tasks that were already on my plate (and do a good job), so I have less of a feeling of wariness that others will think I'm just being lazy.

Emotional aspects of the problem seem to be okay as well:
-I feel like the e-mails I sent in response to both situations were appropriately direct without being incendiary/caustic.
-I listened to a bunch of metal throughout the rest of the day (Jane Doe by Converge, Fortress by Protest the Hero, Obscura by Gorguts) and just ate a bunch of super-spicy food, and both seem to have calmed me down considerably.

Non-problem-related explanations for the flash of wrath:
-Sleep deprivation (about 8 hours of sleep total over the past 2 days)
-Low energy independent of sleep deprivation
-Have been increasingly connected with emotionality over the past week or so
-Have been expressing a lot of femininity (both in real-life and online), so have been experiencing spontaneous bursts of masculinity in response (as if it was trying to sustain a balance)
-LOTS of writing I've been wanting to do/post here but haven't... will work on that

On the positive side, the new person that I'm training is a pleasure. :) The thing that strikes me immediately is just the quality, precision, and depth of his questions. Like, right now he doesn't know anything but he has a careful, curious, and penetrating mind that will able to learn everything. Within a year, he's going to be running circles around everyone except the other person on our team who's also a superstar. It gives me joy to imagine that I get to be the one to feed him all of this knowledge and help groom him into this stupidly capable juggernaut/destroyer-of-worlds. :D

[7cups is detecting crisis in this post where there is none, so i have inserted slashes in some places where i think it might be feeling scared on my behalf]

see 2nd post for explanation of what i'm doing.

***

tongue life
line skin
binge bridge
navel waist
cozy water
cute lick
adore drink
pool slippery
brisk flower
drip jewel

pool navel
slippery tongue
water life
skin cute
lick drip
drink adore

navel tongue
life drink
pool water
cute skin
drip lick

drip lick
skin cute

***

how problematic, the cute skin wishing to be licked that saliva may drip over its surface.

1: what is problematic?

2: that there is an urge pouring outward that wishes to express itself

1: what is the cute skin?

2: there is no metaphor but there are layers behind it that have psychological depth

1: what is the thing that licks?

2: it is the smiling tongue that delights in fluttering over skin that it may squirm

1: does this post violate forum rules?

2: we'll find out, lol

***

express that
but it
fluttering smiling
squirm metaphor
cute urge
psychological delights
probelmatic skin
cute out
surface layers
rules in
the thing
wishes saliva
licks it
tongue wishing
over itself
violate outward
pouring what
depth there
find skin

tongue wishes
itself skin
violate surface
skin squirm
cute pouring
urge express
depth out
over licks
smiling cute
delights there
wishing saliva
layers fluttering
find outward

cute layers
cute smiling
licks delights
squirm surface
urge saliva
outward depth
tongue express
wishing violate
skin wishes
itself fluttering

wishing delights
fluttering surface
smiling tongue
itself depth
cute licks
urge cute
express wishes
layers skin

surface smiling
licks cute
wishes delights
urge cute
express layers
skin itself
tongue fluttering

express urge
wishes cute
skin smiling
itself licks
cute delights

wishes cute
itself express
smiling urge

express itself
urge cute
wishes smiling

wishes smiling
cute urge

***

smiling at the unconquerable urge, the cute is smiling as it portends doom for its designated sufferer to be subjected to delicious torment

1: what is the unconquerable urge

2: it is that which wishes to swim in liquid passion and delirious grins

1: what is the cute?

2: the cute is the energy that expresses itself in smiles and kisses

1: in what way is there do/om

2: the chosen one shall not escape the tickle

1: in what way is it suffering

2: you shall laugh endlessly

***

subjected delirious
cute liquid
be that
smiles it
that tickle
what to
it shall
one the
is doom
shall is
in is
what you
is endlessly
as in
wishes and
not the
urge and
chosen it
the in
energy cute
swim to
the for
cute unconquerable
suffering kisses
to smiling

is in
that liquid
the cute
in in
you is
cute swim
the it
what and
to that
and to
smiling urge
tickle kisses
to is
is as
smiles chosen
it cute
wishes energy

that in
swim and
is cute
you the
smiling kisses
tickle wishes
what liquid
to it
smiles as
the cute

smiles swim
cute kisses
and is
what wishes
to cute
tickle smiling
you liquid

smiling kisses
swim and
cute smiles
you liquid

kisses smiling
cute smiles
liquid swim

smiles liquid
cute kisses

***

she smiles as she kisses the cute floating in liquid

1: who is she?

2: the one who is fearless and kindly immersed in the whispering delicacy of the sexual

1: what is the kissing

2: kissing is the warmth upon the one who cannot bear the intensity of the sharpened rhythm

1: what is the cute?

2: the cute is the one who revels in the dangerous and is undaunted by it but rather is delighted and becomes delight for the other who watches her frenzied giggles in their astonishing spontaneity and purity

1: what is the floating?

2: the floating is the effortless, unburdened swimming in that which is dangerous

1: what is the liquid?

2: the dea/dly and unbearable fear

***

1: you have said that the she is fearless. what would she be unafraid of?

2: the ter/ror of the real, the real thing that is intense beyond what can be controlled.

1: what is the immersion?

2: the immersion is direct contact with the unbearable

1: in what way is she delicate?

2: she is soft because she feels everything and cannot bear to touch another unkindly who also feels everything

1: what is the sharpened rhythm?

2: it is the relentless impulse of the world that does not respect the open or the vulnerable

1: how does the cute survive in the dangerous?

2: i do not know

1: what does the cute do when she delights?

2: she dances and her body is pure pheromones

1: what are her giggles?

2: sexuality

1: how does she float in the dangerous?

2: i do not know

1: why is the liquid fearful?

2: one will drow/n

1: why does she delight in liquid?

2: because for her it is playful splashing

1: what is your opinion of splashing?

2: it is a mixed language

1: what is it a mixture of?

2: it is laughter and drow/ning

1: how can it be both?

2: it is dependent upon the mood and which one is identified with

***

1: you have described a woman who is fearless. she is unafraid of the real. there is a real that is drow/ning and ter/ror, and yet she dances, laughs, frolics, and splashes in the dangerous.

1: you have described an immersion which is direct contact with the unbearable without flinching or without recoiling in fear or terrified contraction, this impossible contact that cannot be sustained

1: you have described her as vulnerability and as softness that is kind because she feels so deeply

1: you have described a forcefulness or abrasiveness of the world that impinges itself on the one who is wide open and makes themselves vulnerable and liberated with sensitivity

1: you have expressed bewilderment and disbelief that this person who is soft and vulnerable, yet also playful, survives so unguarded in the dangerous.

1: you have described the sexual attraction to this person who is pure laughter and flirtatious energy simply delighting in joy and pulling everything around her into that space

1: you have described her laughter as sexuality incarnate

1: you have no idea how she can be so open and free and expressive and expansive when she is so vulnerable and surrounded by deadly and fearful things

1: you have expressed your fear of her and of this space that she inhabits where everything is flowing recklessly without reservation or restraint, that you will be overwhelmed, flooded, choked, or drow/ned by this inpouring energy that is disrespectful or oblivious to your sensitivity

1: for her there is a splashing which is simultaneously erotic and arousing and intoxicating to behold, and yet also a signal or symbol of drow/ning and sadism and disregard for the one who is drow/ning

1: you switch between these alternating identifications, that of the playful and the fearful, according to which state of mind you are in

***

1: hello

2: hi

1: how are you feeling?

2: full

1: in what way?

2: there is a heat and pressure at my chest that is rising

1: what is the energy there?

2: fear

1: what is the feeling of fear?

2: i am imagining the woman

1: what is she doing?

2: she is dancing

1: what is fearful about it?

2: the freedom

1: what is fearful about the freedom?

2: the mockery

1: of what?

2: of that which is not free. the disregard.

1: what do you mean?

2: she laughs and revels in the playful. she swims and splashes.

1: but you do not?

2: yes

1: so, you look upon her who is swimming and splashing

2: [flinch] i do not like those words

2: i need to stop

***

phobia <==> fetish
i conquer the fear by transforming it into sexual desire
the object is simultaneously alluring and terrifying

dream

casual clothing

i'm at work. we're in a large room for a meeting. i'm wearing my black killing joke band t-shirt and black shorts with my black hoodie. i was going to wear usual business clothes but neglected to. have the hood draped over my head like i'm sleeping and my hair is messy underneath it. someone notices hood and laughs and says something like, "casual is okay but not *that* casual".

shirt = 2 energy [gothic/expressive]
hoodie = 3 energy [soft/gentle]
work clothes = 1 energy [controlling]
casual = letting 2/3 energy take up space
laughter = social consequences of sharing 2/3 energy in a 1 space

laptop tabs

i have laptop with me. have internet browser windows open. about 80% are 7cups and me writing stuff. other 20% are sexually explicit. can't close them all, so do 'show desktop'. have notepad doc window in which i'm taking notes on meeting.

life organization:
7cups (expression)
sexuality
work
fear of the first two bleeding into and affecting the third, trying to integrate

words handout

someone gives handout with list of few hundred personality traits on it. exercise is to circle ones that feel like they apply to us. i've already done the exercise but i accept the handout because i want to do it again.

theorycrafting, self-mapping

snowflake scissor

on all of the handouts, someone has taken a pair of scissors and made little ornate cuts into all of the papers. sort of like those snowflake designs where you fold a paper, make cuts, and then unfold it and it looks really pretty.

fact that theorycrafting is not a dry or detached thing. it's something i see as beautiful

tired presentation

there's a cute girl who laughs and says, "i thought you were going to try not to be tired for today's presentation".

girl = 4 energy [playful]
tiredness = energy depletion, distance from ideal work/social self, self-presentation needs
dilemma = increasing/maintaining energy while maintaining balance of all personality elements