some good, some bad, the usual

(content warning: stressful parents and looooots of self doubts.)

been a good ol while since ive last been on here!

ive been reading my old posts and... i was definitely not in a good place back then. i can definitely say that ive improved mental health wise as i got older, and even though ive only been in therapy for a short while, the things ive learned have helped me quite a bit.

i used to struggle with staying motivated in school and i had an incredibly bleak outlook regarding my future, i basically had no friends at the time and my family situation was... awful.; now i have started to go to college and study graphics design, and ive met and connected with so many new people!

however i wouldnt be here writing this thread if i didnt have some lingering problems as well. if youre not in a good headspace right now, id recommend leaving this post and maybe do some of those self care steps things on this site, bc the least thing i want to do is burden someone else whos also not doing well.

as i look back on my past, ive been living in a pretty sheltered household. while my parents have tried to protect me from outside harm and help me as much as they could, it did not protect me from the storm that was brewing within. long story short, messy divorce happened, and i was left on my own to process what happened. that was years ago, and now that im hearing about even more unsavory details about the past from my other family members, the more distrustful ive grown towards my parents.

then covid happened. mom turned from being incredibly afraid of getting covid to being vehemently antivax (to the extent where i had to cut off contact for my own mental wellbeing because she would not listen to a single word i say), and dad has also recently begun to be incredibly into niche religion and spiritual nonsense such as quantum healing, which is very much unlike him and its also making me go quite insane. ive tried talking to him as well, but he also doesnt listen to me.

so ive asked my friends for advice. the solution is clear: ive got to move out asap.

it was already an incredibly mentally taxing feat to get my drivers license and pushing myself to go to college, and now the next hurdle is getting out of here. im not asking for advice about the legal details and logistics of moving out. its more like...... i cant get myself to "just" move out. honestly i hadnt even considered about that possibility at all until very recently.

and with the recent developments in the housing market and rising gas prices, its probably not a good move to do so right now either. and since i am in college, the only logical way that is also financially secure is to continue staying at my dads place.

"well you could just start going to work and earn some money yourself until youve got enough to move out" one might say, and i agree! i absolutely agree! i would do it in a heartbeat! i would love to move out as soon as possible, and start living my own life as an independent person. and thats where my own issues come into play.

the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head are "what if im just overreacting?", "what if i can fix them somehow?", "its my fault for being too reclusive and not checking in with them more often" and so on. i feel both lethargic and restless at the same time, and the whiplash i get from finally being around normal people in college to returning to a fundamentally broken household is jarring to say the least.

its always this back and forth of "just DO it" and "DONT do it". and logically i know its best for me to move out. i am so incredibly aware of my situation and i Want to escape so badly. i just. cant. do it. i feel like im obligated to stay right where i am, and listen to whatever my dad is telling me without questioning it ever. i feel like i Have to stay because its "technically" safe, and ive been disregarding myself and my own boundaries and wants and needs anyway. and yet i feel like if i stay here for even a moment longer, i am going to snap and implode and just start thrashing about with uncontrolled rage and fear and disappointment.

and... yeah thats basically it, i think. if youve read this far ahead, i appreciate your patience, and thank you for listening to me. i dont expect anyone to come up with The Solution or any profound wisdom to "fix" whatever all of this is. i just needed to let out a bit of steam i suppose. its almost 2 am right now, and ive cut quite a lot of text while writing this. its still pretty long though, so i dont blame anyone if they quit halfway through.

again thank you for your patience, have a good day or night, and stay hydrated :)