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sighingArtist
1,620 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 67 Compassion hearts54 Forum posts30 Forum upvotes36 Current upvotes36 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2023 Member sinceFebruary 16, 2016
Bio

hi! i like to draw, play videogames casually, and i speak german and english
ive been diagnosed with moderate depression some couple years ago, and i can manage it somewhat well i think
tbf i rarely use this site, and when i do, its when i really dont have anywhere else to go with my troubles really. i feel like i should be apologizing for this behavior somehow but thats probably counterproductive i think



Recent forum posts
some good, some bad, the usual
Journals & Diaries / by sighingArtist
Last post
 October 31st, 2022
...See more (content warning: stressful parents and looooots of self doubts.) been a good ol while since ive last been on here! ive been reading my old posts and... i was definitely not in a good place back then. i can definitely say that ive improved mental health wise as i got older, and even though ive only been in therapy for a short while, the things ive learned have helped me quite a bit. i used to struggle with staying motivated in school and i had an incredibly bleak outlook regarding my future, i basically had no friends at the time and my family situation was... awful.; now i have started to go to college and study graphics design, and ive met and connected with so many new people! however i wouldnt be here writing this thread if i didnt have some lingering problems as well. if youre not in a good headspace right now, id recommend leaving this post and maybe do some of those self care steps things on this site, bc the least thing i want to do is burden someone else whos also not doing well. as i look back on my past, ive been living in a pretty sheltered household. while my parents have tried to protect me from outside harm and help me as much as they could, it did not protect me from the storm that was brewing within. long story short, messy divorce happened, and i was left on my own to process what happened. that was years ago, and now that im hearing about even more unsavory details about the past from my other family members, the more distrustful ive grown towards my parents. then covid happened. mom turned from being incredibly afraid of getting covid to being vehemently antivax (to the extent where i had to cut off contact for my own mental wellbeing because she would not listen to a single word i say), and dad has also recently begun to be incredibly into niche religion and spiritual nonsense such as quantum healing, which is very much unlike him and its also making me go quite insane. ive tried talking to him as well, but he also doesnt listen to me. so ive asked my friends for advice. the solution is clear: ive got to move out asap. it was already an incredibly mentally taxing feat to get my drivers license and pushing myself to go to college, and now the next hurdle is getting out of here. im not asking for advice about the legal details and logistics of moving out. its more like...... i cant get myself to "just" move out. honestly i hadnt even considered about that possibility at all until very recently. and with the recent developments in the housing market and rising gas prices, its probably not a good move to do so right now either. and since i am in college, the only logical way that is also financially secure is to continue staying at my dads place. "well you could just start going to work and earn some money yourself until youve got enough to move out" one might say, and i agree! i absolutely agree! i would do it in a heartbeat! i would love to move out as soon as possible, and start living my own life as an independent person. and thats where my own issues come into play. the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head are "what if im just overreacting?", "what if i can fix them somehow?", "its my fault for being too reclusive and not checking in with them more often" and so on. i feel both lethargic and restless at the same time, and the whiplash i get from finally being around normal people in college to returning to a fundamentally broken household is jarring to say the least. its always this back and forth of "just DO it" and "DONT do it". and logically i know its best for me to move out. i am so incredibly aware of my situation and i Want to escape so badly. i just. cant. do it. i feel like im obligated to stay right where i am, and listen to whatever my dad is telling me without questioning it ever. i feel like i Have to stay because its "technically" safe, and ive been disregarding myself and my own boundaries and wants and needs anyway. and yet i feel like if i stay here for even a moment longer, i am going to snap and implode and just start thrashing about with uncontrolled rage and fear and disappointment. and... yeah thats basically it, i think. if youve read this far ahead, i appreciate your patience, and thank you for listening to me. i dont expect anyone to come up with The Solution or any profound wisdom to "fix" whatever all of this is. i just needed to let out a bit of steam i suppose. its almost 2 am right now, and ive cut quite a lot of text while writing this. its still pretty long though, so i dont blame anyone if they quit halfway through. again thank you for your patience, have a good day or night, and stay hydrated :)
feel like im going insane
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by sighingArtist
Last post
 February 28th, 2017
...See more havent been going to school for about 5 months. im depressed, unable to pay attention at school, do homework, study, or even properly interact with my classmates at the time. teacher told me to see a therapist or a day clinic. been sitting in front of my computer the whole time because its the only source of comfort i have right now. my dads being really distant lately, and last week he took me to his workplace despite knowing i was in too much physical pain to do anything. he and my grandma yelled at me for being useless and lazy and "always bringing everyone down" so much even though i cant help it. he even said something like banning me from his workplace because of said laziness. went to my mom shortly after and broke down in tears while having an anxiety attack, i think. hes been especionally distant since then. dad and grandma are trying to reshape me into some typical housewife, cleaning up everything, cooking dinner, etc etc. they give only little praise when i do these things, saying doing these things is to be expected, and when im not doing anything, they guilt me, berrate me, dismiss my illness and physical disabilities as laziness and lies. im sure they dont care about what i feel, and when i try to ask them to listen to me, they take it personally and get really defensive. its gotten to the point where i was sitting on the kitchen floor for a good 15 minutes instead of preparing dinner, contemplating my sanity all while telling myself "what am i doing with my life why am i not doing anything im just lazy" i dont know what to do anymore, i was supposed to have a phone call with a caretaker from a day clinic today about my admission in about roughly three weeks, and ive got an dentist appointment tomorrow that i was supposed to have last week, but i had to postpone it due to the anxiety attack. am i going insane? is anything even real anymore? am i just overreacting? i cant tell anymore
loop of loneliness
Depression Support / by sighingArtist
Last post
 September 12th, 2016
...See more its always the same, staying up late completely tired but also restless reading fanfiction and listening to music only distracts me for a moment before i fall back into a slump feeling worse than before tried venting to friends and family, they either dont understand and dismiss me or try to help but its never working thinking about how to explain this to my therapist but i cant seem to find the right words. plus shes on vacation right now so i cant comtact her its really simple though. all i want is for a special someone to hold me close at night. im thinking that, even if that wish came true it wont cure me of my depression. a significant other wont be able to heal me. just that thought alone makes me want to bash my head into a wall. stacked with highschool stress, hours and hours wasted in class where i dont understand a single thing, buried under homework, essays and exams and never being able to work through it all just reading this should make anyone of yall come to the conclusion that i need professional help. breathing and yoga excercises only do so much until they turn into a dreaded chore, too im just, so tired. nobody really knows how to help. ive stopped reaching out for people because of that. im so tired
everyday life
General Support / by sighingArtist
Last post
 March 31st, 2016
...See more waking up feeling sleep deprived no matter how many hours ive slept dragging myself to school and waste 7-10 hours of my day staring at the ceiling escaping real life problems and drowning em out with video games and music rinse repeat rinse repeat. ive got a lot on my mind, and even though ive barely said anything, i still feel like ive said too much.
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