my space

@ahhhhelpimalive Oh no! If you didn't request for it to be removed it shouldn't have. You did nothing wrong that I saw. Do you remember which section it was in? We can get someone to restore it.

hhhhh, kinda stressed and y e a h but like also doing alright at the same time

reality is blurry along the edges, I hate this so much, feeling too much yet too little

tw//needles, dissociation? idk man

i'm so so tired. i cannot help anybody out. physically cannot. i am so tired of the fact that i can't open up, because here i am, helping others out, when i literally dont know whats real. im so tired of everything, really. my brain cannot anymore, old habits and ways of thinking are right there. its psychosis, i know that, it cant be anything else, but i'm too tired to fight it. because i know that there's somebody standing right behind me about to hurt me. and i know that theres a dart filled with poison stuck in my back. and yet none of this is true. i dont know. i know that i'm not in control of my thoughts, and yet at the same time, i know that i am. hhh its just too much for me right now. itll pass though, and i'm safe, no need to worry. i feel like such a bother, so so much. nobody else is, just me. but by saying this, i'm bothering others, because i'm implying that they need to tell me that i'm not a bother. no. ahhhhh

so, so tired. i dont know if im at the verge of an up or a down, i feel so empty, so numb. "you're born with a hole, and nothing you do, all of it, will fill that hole" take a random semi-quote that isn't really a quote because i'm too tired to look up the actual quote (its from bojack horseman, which im currently just living on). im nothing and yet who i show myself as isnt the typical me either and its just this spiral and nothing makes sense right now but im safe, i promise 💙

you don't understand. you never will. you sayyou love me, you care about me, that i'm a good person. that's what some of them say "you're so kind", "you're an amazing person" etc etc. but you don't understand. that's not me. the person who you love is the person who you see, the person who you think i am. that isn't me. i am not a good person, plain and simple as that. i'm a shitty person who's done shitty things. i've known that for a while now, and it's alright, it doesn't bother me. you love the person who you see, not who i truly am. i am unlovable, i am broken, and i know this for a fact. but in some ways, it's a relief, because at least i know that i will never truly disappoint anybody, because none of this is me. i am not myself unless i am alone. i am nobody. and being alone doesn't bother me, not most of the time, at least when i'm doing well. because i can accept the fact that nobody will truly love me, or care about me, and instead focus on caring about myself, taking care of myself. but when i'm doing bad and when my thoughts win, being alone isn't great either. nothing is a win. reaching out just feels fake and makes me feel like a bother. i am incapable of being loved, i am not able to believe anybody when they say stuff like "i love you" or "you're a good person" because who i am with them, who they see, isn't me. those things, those phrases, feel enough when i have a favorite person. but that's so unhealthy, and that isn't me then, either. i just get so caught up in everything. it just feelings like im losing no matter what i do, i feel so lost. i am nothing, in the end. that is amazing, that is terrible

i'm falling and it's just getting worse, again and again and again. but i will make it through this, because of them. i don't think i've ever told y'all about them, i will sometime. they're amazing, my true family, my blood. the reason i'm still here. and i just have to make it through this, i will feel like myself again some time. it may take a long time, but i just need to keep fighting, no matter how tired i am. theres a lump in my throat and my chest feels so heavy, my body isn't really my own, i don't really know any of these people, but i will survive

adlfkjasdklfjsdlkfjasl t i r e d but also doing okay but also completely terrified of being alone because then it means i actually have to think and face how it's been the past few days and all the dumb choices ive made and ahhhh

asdfklasdjfklasjdf as i phrased it to myself, my brain is currently spinning the wheel of emotions, so it's either going to be breakdown, breakdown with psychotic features, numb, angry, or good night! we shall see what happens!

i made a friend in real life, they also have bpd. we shared, we talked, we related. but i know i'm going to fuck things up. i want to get too close to them, i ruin all my relationships. i'm so scared of getting close to people and sharing that i'm probably going to push them away. and who i was, when i was sharing, wasn't me. i hate that i can't get close to anybody. it feels like im loosing so badly, i thought i was getting better. and they seem like such an amazing person, too, and i hate that it's probably going to turn out badly. i hate this all so much, i want to rip my brain out. i wish i could just have normal relationships, and yet here i am, falling, hurting, doubting myself. i hate myself so so much. i am a bad person. i know ill only feel like this for now, before they get here, my true family. i just have to wait a little bit for the feelings to ease up before trying to get them here. i'm so tired