moonspace. (my lonely corner)
TW just in case.
hi,
this is just my new diary thread. :') …i was going to write an introduction and then a paragraph or two about why im making this new space until i realised i’m not a person worth knowing anyways, and nothing i say would actually matter. now that i think about it most of what i'd write would be pathetic.
*i’m doing it again - being pathetic. ugh.* anyways… there is just one note i’d like to add here… please, no replies 💜 unless i have tagged you somewhere in this space. i probably won’t be tagging anyone right now though.
this is just my new corner. my lonely space.
thanks for reading :')
- ni.
funny how after i do it i act like nothing happened at all. It's better to distract than to think about how i *** it all up and threw those 2 months away. back to zero. Messes with my brain.
in short… i. am. stupid. and i do stupid stuff.
CW / TW - talk of religion, religious trauma.
Nothing in the world will make me feel clean. I'm not clean. i'm not like them, clean, and good, and beautiful. but i have to pretend to be, because otherwise I am… that girl. I am the weird one, the messed up one, like you know somethings up with her. The moment I'm not good and clean and Christian, i'm dirty and going to ***. Funny how to everyone, i am the work in progress. She ain't clean, but she will be! don't give up on her guys! you can always talk to me and i’ll explain things for you! sure i can. Sure i can…
some of this stuff, I can't stand. and it drives me insane. and it doesn't feel right, at all. and then overthinking takes over. so fun! /sar Your *inherently* *wrong* *all the time* Ni, don’t you see? You can’t trust yourself! its blasphemy, don’t think that, that’s not how it is. Oh, you’re making such a fuss about that. it's OT, so it's irrelevant. Apparently. the entire thing is true, but we should disregard half of it because it’s ehhhh questionable. but its true! and good!
Make up your mind already. we kids are getting confused.
I feel sick sometimes. sick like what if all this stuff is true.
I'm ***.
i am ***.
i'm not like them. i question everything. everything. that's why i'm so problematic. that's what makes me so dirty, isn't that right…
and what i wrote here pretty much explains how dirty, ***, stupid, horrible I am. look at me questioning everything. look at me being the ungrateful stupid *** i am. look at it all. look at me being angry and…. *** and ***. Everything. look, Ni. look, Mom. look, Dad. I'm sorry.
i can't be clean like them, i'd rather burn in *** forever than be a hypocrite and believe in something I just can't. I'm sorry
I'm sorry i'm a piece of ***, and can't change none of that ***
Mom and dad are talking to my brother on the phone. I hardly talk to him anymore lmao.
there is nothing to talk about XD
oh well.
I am currently procrastinating on my story. i'm not good at writing, but i'm good at procrastinating :'D
Tw///crisisey thoughts, sui, talk of death.
why can't i just hibernate forever
i don't mean being dead. that is possibly nonexistence. i mean alive, but hibernating. i mean alive, but not participating in the ***-show called life. I want to hibernate, just be asleep all the time and not have to worry about all the things there are to worry about
and there is so much to worry about in the ***-show called life.
