in the wonders of my mind💗.

Tw

someone died in my school. it was a senior guy but I didn’t know him, I was hiding in a stall in break and there were two seniors that were talking about it. and the next day we had to stand for 5 minutes and stay completely silent for him, as a mark of respect and to honor the memory of him and to give everyone a moment to reflect on the loss

but yeah everyone was laughing or mocking 

also I lied I did know him :’) but not like personally. I just saw him mostly if I came early that day he’d be around hallways, I don’t know what he had I guess? but he couldn’t really…I mean I don’t know. he couldn’t talk and he just made a bunch of noises and sounds every morning sometimes it scared me because he’d start running up to you and doing that but then he’d just kind of laugh and would stand still for a while and continue what he was doing. he has this droopy smile and he needs someone with him everywhere but I don’t think he could actually understand what was happening 

my brother was part of the people that would make fun of him, the guy had a brother in the school and his brother threatened my brother and his friends  

one time my brother came home (he stays longer) and said, exactly: "me and my friends just beat up this autistic guy in-" and I asked him who I know it sound casual but. :’) I just wanted to know before reacting honestly even tho it is still bad I’m kind of used to it? I don’t know why he tells me anyway. and he just started mocking the sounds he makes. then he started complaining about their hoy and she was the teacher that sat with us in after school detention and also came in for inspection in english and she is kind of annoying 

but if you actually think about it when teachers punish students they never actually try and do something in order to prevent it from happening again. and it is hard some kids are just impossible to deal with and they don’t care and don’t want to change but what’s a lunch detention on wednesday gonna do plus no one ever goes and somehow they never notice even I didn’t go to a lunchtime detention once and my pe teacher just completely forgot, I saw her write my name on her wrist I don’t know how you forget that. 

you could even hear people laughing from third floor and in my class ofcourse but they were genuinely trying so hard not to and covering their mouth and closing their eyes and everyone kept giving each other these looks and after 5 minutes past people started yelling at their friends because it was their fault they couldn’t help laughing. you could hear people coughing and stomping across hallways, it’s been like this for a long time but basically whenever we’re meant to be quiet especially in assembly or if it’s punishment in class or something like this one person fake coughs and everyone else starts fake coughing same with the stomping and it’s so disrespectful but it’s just been like that. 

I don’t know how he died. I don’t really like listening to what other people have been saying because really all of them just looked at him like he was some joke 

I know I said I’d try and at least stay until my last day on cups but I can’t. I don’t know where the cups people went I mean of course they’re busy but I’m impatient and I really can’t wait that long I went outside my apartment I’m so *** tired of everything I wish I could just yell at everyone for being such a *** friend (not any ofyou) 

im okay I’m strong but I’m not that strong I can’t keep going any longer and from a realistic point of view nothing will ever actually get better it’s *** I’m just done

so here I’m gonna take some deep breaths. i still forget how big the world is. I’ll deactivate my account before I’m gone

thankyou for being my friends you’re all amazing sorry I’m probably one of those *** friends I’m not a great friend I’m actually sorry

I wrote this thing it wasn’t too long just about what’s been happening but I ended up getting aggressive and stupid and I don’t want to rewrite or edit 

but I’m living somewhere else for a while

I found a lighter, I know it’s not allowed to mention if it’s a method of sh but it’s genuinely not. I think it’s so beautiful idk

https://picallow.com/369041-2/?usp_success=2&post_id=369041&form_id=27

I lost it tho. they have so many lighters. like in every drawer, the one I had was the easiest tho

I’m not scared if anyone found it they can’t do anything it’s just a lighter Ill say I thought it was a toy or something 

I also found a bunch of cigarettes. they were on the bed I’m sleeping on everywhere and I wasn’t sure if it was a cigarette but I found the pack and it was

it’s my brothers birthday tomorrow and my birthdays in a week

before coming here I was at my aunts house for a couple of days and my brother called from her phone and he said he missed bullying me and that he has no one to bully :’)