in the wonders of my mind💗.

Jacob could hear the

darkness in his cupboard

humming.

It started on the Monday,

after he had come back

from Scouts and had fish

and chips as a special

treat cos Mum had forgotten to get anything in. He'd gone to bed and lain in his room, which was lit a luminous green by his rocket lava Lamp. He'd felt the chips churn round in his stomach like clothes in a washing machine. It was then that he'd noticed the noise coming from

the corner. The cupboard was really small, built into the side of the room and overhanging the stairs. He used it for keeping clothes and storing a few old toys and magazines that he couldn't bear to part with. Like his X-Wing fighter, which he'd been given by Dad and which one day would be worth a fortune, provided he kept the box in pristine condition. Not that he thought he'd ever be able to sell it. But it was nice to daydream about what he would do with the money if he ever got up the courage.

There was no light in the cupboard and the door didn't close properly, so there was always a sliver of darkness which he could see against the gleaming white of the door surround. But tonight there was a patch of black which seemed, somehow, darker than the rest. Not so much dark, as empty. Like there was nothing there at all. A void.

It made a deep, humming noise. It was so low, that Jacob almost couldn't hear it - like it was on the very edge of his hearing range. But it was definitely there. There was no doubt about it.

Jacob didn't know what the darkness was, but staring at it made him uncomfortable. He tried to fix his mind back on to mushy peas and ketchup and cans of fizzy drink which he shouldn't have on a weeknight, really, but his eyes kept drifting back to that little piece of emptiness right on the edge of his vision. He turned over and tried to focus on his rocket lamp, but the feeling persisted. It was like the darkness was looking at him, somehow.

He did not like the feeling at all. When he woke the next day, the first thing he looked for, once he had rubbed the sleep from his eyes, was the darkness in the cupboard. It was like it had stayed with him in his dreams, refusing to budge. But when he looked, there was nothing there. The humming had gone, too.

He could see the sleeve of his blue hoody and the stack of magazines that mum had been on at him to throw out and the tennis racket which

he had got in Year 6 when he was sure he was going to be the next Tim Henman, until he'd discovered he couldn't actually hit a ball at all and he had two left feet. But that was all. No darkness and no humming.

The next night, he went to bed early. Because of the late night last night, Mum said, although he suspected it was because she had Tony, the bloke she'd met at yoga, coming around for a 'little drink'. He pulled the duvet up to his chin and tried to focus on the comic he was

reading by the light of the lamp and ignore the humming which was coming from the cupboard. Because he knew there was nothing there.

Of course, there wasn't. It was just a cupboard. But eventually, the temptation became too much and he did look and sure enough, there was nothing there. Only it was a large patch of Nothing, larger than last night, and he thought that maybe it was spilling onto the floor in front of the cupboard as well. It had definitely

grown.

He considered going downstairs and telling his Mum but when he thought about it, he didn't know what he could say. Come upstairs and look at the big patch of nothing in my cupboard? And Mum would be irritated at being interrupted while Tony was there and Tony would smile that big, fake smile he had which was supposed to say hey, guy, I'm your best friend, but actually meant hey, guy, I am taking your mum away from you, and Jacob would get that odd, knotted feeling in the pit of his stomach like he wanted to punch someone or run a marathon or screw himself into a ball. So it was best to just leave it and turn over and try to pretend that the darkness wasn't there, even if he could feel it watching him.

He found it hard to get to sleep that night, and when he did finally drift off, the darkness lurked in his brain like a shadow. He woke up the next morning, tired and grumpy. But the darkness had

gone.

Joe came over for tea the next night and they played games for a bit and watched videos online 'til his mum confiscated the tablet and said they needed to do something other than watch a screen all night.

"You can do that on your own,' she tutted, pressing the button so the screen turned black, 'why don't you play something together, like you used to?'This was the problem with his mum, thought Jacob, she didn't understand that now they were at High School they didn't do stupid things like playing. He looked at Joe, embarrassed, but Joe just shrugged and went over to the cupboard.

'Can I get the X-Wing out?'

It was years since they had taken it out of the box together and ordinarily, Jacob would have loved the chance to look it over, checking it was still in mint condition. They could even look it up on Joe's phone, to see how much it would fetch. But for some reason, tonight he didn't feel like it.

'Why don't we go downstairs?'

But Joe had his hand on the cupboard door; was pulling it open.

'Stop it!'

Jacob hadn't meant to shout. But Joe looked shocked and shrugged his shoulders before sloping off downstairs. He left soon after. But he hadn't opened the door. At least there was that. That night, the darkness had spread to the foot of the bed. Jacob watched it, pitch black against the green glow of the rocket lamp. The humming was louder, too. Now it was like there was a cluster of bees lurking somewhere in the room. Only Jacob was pretty sure there wasn't.

'What's up with you?' asked his mum as she passed him the milk that morning. His eyes were blurry and he felt fuzzy in his head, like he couldn't shake the sleep out. He shrugged and poured some cereal into his bowl.

'Grumpy-chops,' said his mum, ruffling his hair. He felt a flash of irritation. Why did she always have to treat him like a baby? There was no point trying to explain to her what was lurking in his room. She'd just say he was imagining it. And anyway, she was too caught up with work and Tony to care about stuff like that. He'd have to deal with it on his own.

That night, the darkness crept closer. He sat, watching the shadow-that-was-not-a-shadow creep over the floorboards. It was so slow, you couldn't see it moving. But when you looked out of the corner of your eye, then you nearly, so nearly saw it. It was like that game he used to play at parties when he was little - Grandmother's Footsteps. People had to creep up on you behind your back but if you turned and saw them moving they were out of the game. There was always someone who was quick and quiet enough to tap you on your back, though. And then you were out.

The darkness had moved to his feet. Jacob looked and saw his toes were suffused with grey, like they were the feet of a statue. They felt cold, dead. He wiggled his foot and it moved slowly, like an old man's. It was a strange sensation - there was no pain, but it felt heavy and awkward. He imagined the darkness moving through his veins, turning his red blood a dull grey, making it sluggish and thick.

He sat there all night, by his lamp, watching the darkness creep slowly, slowly up his leg and listening to the dull hum as it invaded him. By the time the sun rose in the morning, his leg up to his knee was grey and cold. He wondered how long it would take to reach his heart.

He knew he should tell his mum - show her his stone-coloured shins.

But he couldn't be bothered. It didn't seem to matter any more. Nothing seemed to matter that much, to be honest. He thought about school and his mates and the X-wing fighter and his dad and none of it seemed important - none of it was worth worrying about. And when he thought of the darkness now, it wasn't as something scary, but just as something that was. It couldn't be changed. So there was no point fighting it really.

That night, he went to bed as usual. He lay for some minutes in the green glow of his rocket lamp, listening to the humming which now encircled him like hornets. And then, without even really thinking about what he was doing, he reached out and turned off his lamp.

Darkness.

I sent a second request

third request.

*offers a big hug*  💙 we'll miss you 

I’m just gonna put this here if that’s okay and is it okay if I ask for no one to I guess highlight or copy or change the text color or any of that basically ways to read it I mean it’s okay I wouldn’t put it here if it was that big of a deal but if it’s possible I’d just like it to be here❤️upvotes are okay tho they help <3

(lots of yapping) (tw)

I remember it was this year. we get let go at 3:05 but bus do too and after the gates open everyone gets to leave, mostly only seniors are early tho. you don’t get lucky. as soon as you get the chance to leave buses start moving. and there’s a security guy the same one each time and there are these lines, you know those little things they put with this strong um….basically tape. there’s that everywhere infront of the road where the buses are moving. and it’s a lot of people that need to cross the road because that’s where the apartments are and where most people live but if it’s further some people also ride bicycles but it’s still across the road. 

I don’t wanna talk about my day. but that day, after school. while buses were moving. I remember so if you go in the first school gate, to your right are where all the bicycles are kept and it’s like locked and a cage kinda because a lot of people come to school with them, and after that there’s another gate with another security guard and that gate leads right to where the buses are crossing from. that gates never locked tho and security guard was out with the other one. and I opened the gate and ran. and no one was gonna see me they were all on the other side and then

i

was

meant

to 

die.

you don’t just *** with that I don’t want to be helped or saved or none of that I don’t want anything anymore just leave me alone just leave me alone

I swear I remember talking to my ex counselor, he asked me something like what do I really want right now because yeah yeah the human brain always knows what it wants even if it’s unclear and psychology and *** like all you talk about is your experience and oh no you’ve been doing this for 10 years and no one’s ever done this to you I’m so *** sorry I’ll have to be the first

i didn’t say I wanted to die. I looked at a wall and went "mmm…to isolate myself from everyone and just travel really far away and live in a far dark place all alone"

and he went all "oh…o-oh but there has to be something that’s making you feel like this"

no *** probably. 

I remember telling him I was just scared of people. I remember him telling me he didn’t believe me. I said I guess just everyone from ages…6-55 probably. and he went "oh….so….youre fond of 5…and 56 year olds..?"

……..

he knew that wasn’t what I meant huh

*** you’re fond of minors omg

ill get over it. 

he always made a joke out of me.

and right now I have a friend I stopped talking to and they’re struggling and I feel bad because I wish I could be there for them and I can’t

in year 6 I had a science teacher and everyday when we’re walking in and out of her class she’d, you know the hand heart emoji? well that but I’m not gonna put it here I don’t feel like it, but she’d do that and sometimes if I didn’t notice she’d yell my name and I’d turn around and she’d just be all :)<3 and I’d do it back. 

when I was 11 i wont really calculate what year that was right now. but I had a friend and idk the exact day but I remember it being october term 1 and it was a wednesday and I used to have snap chat before my dad deleted it. and I remember randomly opening my dads phone that day, by accident, because he changed the password but then changed it back and I typed in the old one just not expecting it to work and honestly I was barely present with what I was doing I was just laying on his bed and the phone was there. and it opened and I didn’t have to be sneaky or look through it I could see everything right when I opened it. 

and I guess it suddenly hit me like oh wait I’m experiencing something that’s meant to be horrifyingly traumatic and I am not being treated normally wow. 

and I remember my dad called right then and I got scared and just closed the phone and left. 

and then later I opened my device and messaged my friend. and we were just being stupid and we used to talk in all caps no matter what it was so that was the whole convo. and I went I have a totally hypothetical question and I basically just started dumping on her but…hypothetically, and instead of me I said it was to another girl but I still made the scenario she was imagining about her dad but that it was happening to another girl outside the family basically. and I remember she just went omg at one of the things I said and I went I know right that’s why it’s so scary because yk etcetc. and here she just I guess idk. she just kept (we were still in caps but I’m gonna act like it wasn’t) telling me to wait and stop talking and she just needed a moment. so yeah she didn’t actually know I was being serious she still thought I was making up a scenario :’) and since then every single time she saw me she’d give me a long hug. she still goes to the school. she’s still in my lead class. but she stopped, and we’re not friends anymore. 

I forgot to breathe 

I’ve been hallucinating so much

i remember. again. when I used to have a diary with a lock and every night when I’d go to sleep my dad would unlock it and read through it

it’s honestly the best he’s gotten at parenting skills

i remember after my counselor emailed my dad even after I promised and I took action he didn’t do anything and yeah I’ll stop. but I promised I’d make it to all my classes on time and fully attend and be there even tho it was the scariest and hardest thing he could’ve ever asked me to promise at the time and I did it I did it and it hurt and I just wanna k.ll myself seriously I don’t care anymore I don’t care just d.ie I just want to d.ie I’m so. I don’t know what I am. but I’m sorry I’m that. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not like everybody else. 

but I did it. I fulfilled my promise. I made it to every single class even lead class and stayed there every single minute i don’t even have any hall passes and everyone else was skipping but I did it. I *** did it when I wanted to k.ll myself and he still called my dad in. 

but yeah after that I just. I wanted to come in his office and start yelling. but I’d lost my voice at the time. he was making everything worse

and I just remember over every other thought I knew I didn’t have a safe place 

even if you circle the world a couple times you’ll always end up at the same spot 

my whole family just thinks

1 mental health is nothing more of a joke and an excuse

2 therapists and counselors are for psychopaths and crazy people

3 abuse is the best way to raise your kids

theres literally no point in crying anymore. or fighting or trying. it wont do anything. nothing will change ever. a world where everyone is nice is unrealistic and ofcourse someone nice will end up with someone that’s not. 

no one wants to listen to me vent or rant or dump or complain or cry. 

get over it. 

this is gonna sound creepy but when I feel faint I cross my arms over me and put my hands around my neck. I just do it.

and when my dad would tie me I’d do that too sometimes fall asleep and sometimes just be there.

i always tell myself others have it worse, because they do, some people don’t have a roof over their heads or access to water. it doesn’t make any situation or experience any less valid but the things I say only apply to me

out of my full complete honesty I feel like. I know no one actually cares. no one even likes me. it’s not that big of a secret. be so fr no one’s actually gonna miss me. some cups people are just nice but I know no one cares. and I try to talk to people on here and everything tells me to shut up and that they don’t care and that they don’t wanna hear or see me and no one likes me it’s true and I

hold on my ears are ringing again

@iloveyouxx Hey you 💙 How are you? You've been in my thoughts the past couple days. I've wanted to ask and you don't have to answer of course but - what is all so pointless? 

I’m tired I’m so impossibly tired It’s not the kind of tired you can fix with a nap or a good night’s sleep It’s the kind of tired that sits in your bones and weighs down your soul. I’ve been carrying it for as long as I can remember and it feels like I’ll be carrying it forever.

Have you ever been used by people you thought you could trust, people who you thought cared about you. They took pieces of you, little by little, until you were left with nothing but a hollow shell of who you used to be. Have them take your kindness for weakness, your love for granted, and your loyalty as a given. And you let them because you’re desperate for acceptance, for something- anything that felt like love or care, being seen or heard or noticed, loved.

I’ve been hurt in ways I can’t even put into words. The kind of hurt that leaves scars you can’t see, but feel every single day. I’ve cried so many tears that I didn’t think it was possible to have any left. But they keep coming, whenever I’m alone, whenever I think too much, whenever I let my guard down.

Pain is all I’ve ever known. It’s the backdrop to my life, the one constant in a world that’s always changing. I thought it was normal my whole life or that I was normal. I thought everyone felt like this or everyone went through the same stuff because why wouldn’t it be normal. Other people laughed easily, loved freely. I wanted that so bad. I wanted to be like them, to be happy, to be free from this. I used to imagine what my life would be like if I swapped families with my friend, I was really young then. 

I’ve suffered more than anyone should have to. I’ve seen things that no one should ever have to see, experienced things that no one should ever have to experience. Hurt is always going to exist pain is always going to exist a world where everyone is a morally good person isn’t realistic or possible or even okay but I don’t think any 3 year old should have to see what I’ve seen or any 7 year old deserves to think what I thought or any 11 year old has to go through what I’ve went through. And through it all, I’ve had to pretend like everything’s okay. I’ve had to put on a brave face, to smile when I wanted to scream, to act like nothing was wrong when everything was falling apart. Because that’s what’s expected of me. Because no one wants to deal with someone else’s pain. Because it’s easier to hide it away than to face it head-on. No one wants to listen I mean so what? you’ve had a long day go cry about it todays been the same 24 hours for everyone else, different timezones but if you’ve had a long day we’ve all had a long day. Get over it.

I’ve actually been told that before. The 24 hours thing. 

I’ve learnt to live with the pain. It’s become a part of me. It’s in every breath I take, every step I make, every thought that crosses my mind. It’s always there, a constant reminder of everything I’ve lost, and everything I’ll never have.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. If there will ever be a day when I wake up and the weight on my chest is gone or that dark hole I feel in me isn’t there anymore when I can take a deep breath without feeling like I’m going to break. But I know the truth. This is my life. This is my reality. This is my permanent normal and no matter how much I wish it were different, it’s not going to change. Looking up at the stars at night or being masked with all these happy positive lies it doesn’t change anything. Lying to yourself doesn’t help, getting lied to doesn’t help, wishing doesn’t help hoping doesn’t help praying doesn’t help accepting it doesn’t help either, acknowledging it doesn’t help. It hurts. It all hurts. 

I used to be so scared to talk about what I was going through or share my story. The fear of someone calling the police which I know sounds stupid but I was watching too many crime stories at the time I thought they’d be able to track you down and stuff. The thought of it paralyzed me tho. I don’t want help like that. I still haven’t actually even talked about it.

I always try to tell myself that others have it worse. Some people don’t have a roof over their heads, don’t have enough to eat, don’t have access to clean water, live in dangerous places and can’t afford to move out of their hometown. I remind myself of that so often, I should be grateful enough. I am grateful, I’m very grateful. I look at them with sympathy and I feel bad but I guess I also use it as an excuse to invalidate what I go through

but then

Some people don’t get tied to objects, restrained like an animal, their freedom taken away. They don’t know the pain of the tool digging into their skin, the humiliation of being treated as less than human. They don’t have to bear the physical and emotional scars that come from the cruelty

Some people don’t get used for their bodies, treated like objects rather than people. They don’t understand the violation, the feeling of being stripped of all dignity and autonomy. They don’t have to carry the shame and guilt, the endless questions of why and what if. They don’t get hallucinations and flashbacks, they don’t have to live their life scared.

Some people don’t get treated like ***. They don’t have to live with the constant belittlement, the endless cycle of abuse and manipulation. They don’t have to wonder if they’ll ever be free. They don’t have to plan out their own…"future"

"I wish someone would fight for me the way they would for someone else, could care about me the way they do for someone else, or make me feel like I mattered to them. I wish someone would listen to me with genuine interest, offer their shoulder for me to lean on without hesitation, and see the depth of my struggles and triumphs. I wish someone would defend me in my absence, advocate for my needs, and stand by me through life’s storms and calm seas alike. I wish someone would remember the little things about me, notice the unspoken words in my silences, and offer comfort without being asked. I wish someone would show me unwavering loyalty and provide the reassurance that I am not alone. I wish someone would celebrate my successes, no matter how small, and support me through my failures with patience and understanding. I wish someone would be there in the moments when I doubt myself, reminding me of my worth and potential. I wish someone would make me feel seen and heard, even in a crowded room where I often feel invisible. I wish someone would take the time to understand my fears and insecurities, and help me navigate through them without judgment. I wish someone would share in my dreams and aspirations, encouraging me to reach for the stars, and catching me if I fall. I wish someone would recognize the effort I put into everything I do, acknowledging my hard work and dedication. I wish someone would offer me a sense of stability and security, making me feel safe and protected. I wish someone would be my confidant, someone I can trust with my darkest thoughts. I wish someone would laugh with me in moments of joy and sit with me in silence during times of sorrow. I wish someone would show me that I am valued for who I am, not just for what I can provide or do for others. I wish someone would make time for me, even when life gets busy, showing that I am a priority in their life. I wish someone would see beyond my exterior, understanding the complexities and layers that make up who I am. I wish someone would stand up for me when I can’t find the strength to stand up for myself. I wish someone would make an effort to stay in my life, even when it’s not convenient, proving that their commitment to me is steadfast. I wish someone would challenge me to be my best self, while also loving me just as I am. I wish someone would offer me their unwavering support, their time, their patience, and their love. but above everything I wish I had one person that could convince me that I’m actually cared for. and it’s a lot and I’m sorry."

I like to believe that I’m hard to care about.

are people scared to talk to me on here too? do I just make people uncomfortable. I change myself for others and not even they’re like that they’re just like that around me so what I don’t get it. 

I got told I wouldn’t get to live anywhere else, and that I’m not leaving here.

I remember the time a chandelier fell from over my head and my dad said he’d wished it fell on me and he’d finally get rid of me. I remember everything about those couple of days. 

It hurt. But it doesn’t anymore. He doesn’t, because who would he have to hurt and abuse and use and break just for the sake of his entertainment? 

I’m just a form of amusement. Everything-it’s all part of his perverse pleasure. He thrives on my suffering, delights in my pain. (Is that not adorable?<3) He knows I can’t try to leave or escape or talk or tell anyone. He makes sure of it.

I’m scared of him. 

I’m not a person to him. I’m a toy. It’s not like he doesn’t see my hurt. he does and that’s exactly why he keeps me around. Because my suffering is the thing that makes him feel most powerful.

School’s freak.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too positive. At some point I used to laugh a lot it was last year for a month I guess and I don’t know if anyone remembers but I codenamed my classmate shadow and one time after IT they asked why I was always laughing. And for some reason it just kind of hurt. You used to talk bad about me when I was all depressed and plus no one was happy that I seemed happy. That was so pointless too like why’re you always depressed why do you randomly break down every now and then why does everyone think you’re cocky and egoistic why can’t you make a proper real friend why do you *** talk everyone you encounter I sound mean I’ll stop. I didn’t actually say anything they just said it while running with their friends past me like what you couldn’t stick around and talk

I rock back and forth sometimes but not as a grounding method I just do it and I was doing that kind of excitedly/bored and my uncle told me to stop and I asked him why what’s wrong and he goes what seriously have you ever seen a girl do that before? well *** no probably not let me be the first then

I always feel like I’m being watched. I feel like there’s someone right there I feel it I turn around and nothing I close the balcony and windows and curtains and doors I walk around the house I try putting something on or anything but I cant shake the feeling off, and sometimes I see things moving from the corner of my eye and nothing. Every time I have to walk somewhere I always pause every minute ish to try and hear anything, all my shoes are really loud for some reason. Sometimes it’s like I’m having a normal day, or my version of a normal day, and my vision switches between here and.

I’m tired. I’m so insanely tired. But I keep going. Because what else can I do? Try to k.ll myself again like it’s going to do something. I give up. I keep hoping for a day where it’s not like this. One day. I don’t believe in one day. Or some day, or hope. It’s not real. Or it is, but not here. It wont find me and I wont find it. For now I’m all good. I don’t need hope, I’m not going to wait for it to come around. But right now I’ll keep carrying my pain and everything that comes with it. Because that’s all I know how to do. 

When I look in the mirror, it’s not me looking back. It’s someone else, someone who doesn’t seem real, who wears my face but has a different look in their eyes. 

My grandma keeps saying she’s going to develop Alzheimer’s. She’s been crying a lot and saying she forgets everything and I tell her I forget too and she’s like no you’re still young don’t say that and she says that she can’t remember anything and she doesn’t understand anything anymore and people get mad at her and yell, people being my dad. He gets so scary and literal *** manic it’s not that deep gosh he loses it and sometimes I just freeze and go numb and my ears start ringing and my eyesight starts blurring and sometimes I go and hug my grandma and try to stay with her until she goes to sleep. She’s already traveled now and she’s meant to be back in a couple of days, she wants to go back to her old home and live there on her own so she can’t burden or bother anyone. 

I feel horrible she doesn’t deserve that.

I see people around me, laughing, talking, connecting. They have their friends, their families, their people. And I’m just… there. Always on the outside looking in. No matter how hard I try to fit in, to be a part of something, I always end up feeling like I don’t belong. It’s like there’s this invisible wall between me and everyone else, and no matter how much I reach out, I can’t break through.

The loneliness is a constant, gnawing ache inside me. It’s this huge, gaping black hole that seems to swallow everything good. It hurts so bad, this emptiness. I try to fill it with distractions, with noise, but nothing works. It doesn’t go away. And this huge strong sadness hits me so hard every while I can’t do anything but fall to the floor and breathe. The loneliness is always there. And it hurts too.

my counselor asked me, "on a scale of 1-10 how su1cidal would you say you are?" 

I don’t know how to explain why it made me so mad? I never said I was suic1dal. I’m not trusting him after he literally made that meeting with my dad after I fulfilled my promise even when it felt so hard and he didn’t care I’m wondering if he even thought about it literally meeting the next day I was talking about being triggered in corridors. Everyone’s so violent seriously school years aren’t the best years of your life I threw up seeing these two guys in my class get physical it’s so messed up and scary and overwhelming and an event for the whole school from primary to senior got cancelled because of our class that day. Because I was a bystander? I’m not a bystander I hate that word. Im not getting punished because I didn’t run out of class and into some random french teachers class to pull her to the scene or running all the way down to first floor to my head of year’s office while she’s having a meeting just to write a report about the "incident" or jumping in to try and deescalate the situation it was so fast none of those are anyone’s first instinct

I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m not alone, that people care about me. But the more I look around, the harder it is to believe that. I see the way people treat me versus how they treat their friends. I hear the empty words that feel more like platitudes than genuine concern. I try to talk I do but does anyone really actually hear me? Seriously do you understand no you don’t.

I can’t be helped or understood. Like no matter what I say or do no one will ever truly get what I’m going through. I’m just too different, too broken. And that realization only makes the loneliness worse. It makes me feel like I’m meant to be alone forever, that this black hole inside me will only grow bigger and bigger until it consumes me completely. I can see it happening. I have nothing to offer anymore.

I’m alone I’m so truly alone. And it hurts in a way I can’t explain. And no matter how much I try to escape it it’s always there reminding me that I’m different, that I don’t belong, that I’m alone. 

My ears were ringing through all of last night, and it was going on so bad for so long I just started crying and, I didn’t get any sleep ofcourse.

Every time I stand up, it’s like my world falls apart, even more? It starts with a sudden, overwhelming sense of disorientation. My vision blurs, but it’s not just blackness. It’s like my eyes aren’t there anymore, like I’m looking through a fog that distorts everything. Then everything starts flashing but it’s so quick and my head hurts I hear my heartbeat so loud and I can’t make sense of anything.

Everything looks double, like there are two versions of the world overlapping and shifting in and out of focus. Objects move in ways they shouldn’t, I feel like I’m being trapped in a nightmare where nothing is stable, nothing is real. The dizziness hits me is so intense and I feel like I’m going to collapse under its weight.

I’m faint and unsteady, I walked a couple of steps and I fell and my brothers still laughing really hard about it. I don’t mind honestly he’s being annoying. The ground feels like it’s tilting under me and I have to look for anything to hold on to to keep myself from falling. My heart races, my head pounds, and all I can do is wait for it to go away

I can’t understand what’s happening around me and every time it happens I feel like someone’s behind me and I get scared. Sometimes it feels like they’re around me I guess. Sometimes I feel like it touches me. Now I picture them as this shadow with a big coat and an axe. Maybe I should give it a name. I feel like it just hovers there around me. 

I don’t have the energy anymore. It’s like all the strength has been drained from my body and I’m so weak. I’m so tired of fighting this, and I’m losing I’m always losing. You don’t win I can’t win.

Every movement is an effort every moment is a challenge. I’m so exhausted, I just want it to stop. I just want a moment where everything pauses and I can have my moment to stop and breathe. I want to have the energy to live my life without this constant fear but I don’t know why I’m so scared anymore, the worst thing that could happen is you d.e and that’s not actually scary at all.

But I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I feel like I’m drowning in my own body, and no matter how hard I try to swim, I’m sinking deeper and deeper. I’m not even good at swimming. 

I was forced to go out today. For the first time in around 2 months, except for once to the hair salon. Which was also forced. It was with my brother, he wanted me to go to the gym with him, there’s a gym in our apartment. I don’t know why he wanted me to go with him, he said it had really good ac and that he’d let me play with his phone the whole time, he said I didn’t have to do anything but be there and I decided to go eventually, it was so crowded but it closes at 10 and my brother said it would get less crowded at 9, and I wanted to go home. I thought we were but apparently we were walking until 9. I wanted to go back but I didn’t know the way and my brother started running and he said I’d better catch up to him before I get lost, it was so dark. Barely any of the street lights actually worked. I haven’t been out in a while but gosh I forgot how big the world was, it was so scary, no one was there. There were no walls or…I don’t know. I could feel being there. I ran after him but I couldn’t breathe at all and he’s like look we’re already there and I’m like where and he points to this playground that’s so far from where we were I could barely see it. And we kept walking, and we got there. It was a kid’s playground area and I was making fun of my brother for bringing me there. There was this one huge swing it’s this net kind of circle and there are 4 black swing ropes and then they’re connected to these thick metal chains. My brother told me to get on and the swing you cant really sit on it you have to lie down because if you sit on it you’re just increasing your chances of falling off, and it’s also just kind of hard to, it’s this big circle net and- it’s hard to describe. And he started swinging me so hard and I was going so high I kept telling him to stop and that that was enough and he wouldn’t stop and I closed my eyes and started screaming and I opened my eyes and there’s this thing over the playground area basically to protect and keep it in the shade and I opened my eyes and I was all the way up there and it felt like my heart paused and my brother got in front and started videoing it all and laughing and then he tried to stop it and it was pushing him and he couldn’t so he let go and I’m shaking thinking about it. It was so scary but it felt kind of freeing.

I'm so *** tired. Tired of everyone being fake, of people pretending to care when they don’t. They put on their masks and play their parts but I can see through it all. It’s all so exhausting. Just leave me alone just leave me alone I’m so tired it hurts and I remember the day I broke down at school which I don’t want to talk about. I remember turning to this girl who was meant to be my best friend and asking if she could at least act like she cared. I don’t wanna think about that day nvm.

I had a friend on here. No one could ever help me the way she could, and now that she’s gone I feel like I could literally k.ll myself it’s making me shake thinking about it because she is most likely dead and when she turned 16 her parents were gonna let her travel to the uae and ofcourse the uae is huge and she could be anywhere but we were still excited, we were so close. I remember I’d be in science and I’d be laughing so hard at my screen I’d be tearing up and I’d be talking to her. No one would ever understand ever and I try so hard to get along with people on here now but I’ve never felt more alone in my life. If I had to k.ll myself to talk to her again I would. 

The pain inside me is unbearable, it pulses with every beat of my heart. It’s not just physical. it’s a deep, gnawing emptiness that twists and turns, eating away at whatever hope or joy I might have had left. Each day feels like a struggle to hold myself together, as if I’m barely hanging on by a thread that’s about to snap.

its hard to breathe or think or move.

you know, the day I found out I was being drugged I started remembering more and. I just realized I don’t think I can talk about that either

Sometimes, I wonder if this pain is all there is. If the hurt and emptiness are my only companions. I’m exhausted from trying to understand it, from trying to push past it, from trying to find a way to make it stop. It feels like I’m drowning in my own emotions, and no matter how hard I try to reach for the surface, I’m pulled back down. I’m done trying. 

Guess what? That thing on my ceiling. It actually is a camera. 

I just want it to end.

After my dad found my book he started basically mocking me whenever he felt like it. I used to just vent in it which was so ridiculously stupid and annoying what was that even doing and it had a lock but ofcourse he managed to get it while I was asleep no actually I caught him one time and pretended to be asleep again but yeah that was the book I burnt.

The fear is so overwhelming that I lie in bed, wide awake, staring at some random wall, trying to convince myself that the darkness is safe. But it’s not. My nightmares are vivid and cruel, I keep reliving the same terrible scenes, I don’t think of them but they could just pop up and it’s always so terrifyingly realistic

Is that the sunrise? whoops.

I hate how the nightmares control me, how they make me dread the moment I close my eyes. It’s like there’s no escape from the terror, and the longer I stay awake, the scarier it gets.

I broke my ankle, I think it’s not that bad. My aunt who’s a doctor looked at it and she wants to take me to get a full medical treatment plan but my dad..also thinks it’s not that bad.

I'm tired of all the drama. The gossip the backstabbing the cycles of betrayal and It feels like I’m living in a soap opera where everyone’s only goal is to tear each other down. I don’t want any part of it I hate it I hate the drama it’s like you think that one friend group that seems to love each other and be super close wouldn’t be like that but they keep doing these literal insane stuff to each other and pretending to be friends again and still talking bad about each other to others and mainly me like is it cause I’m quiet? I can still talk you know. Some people think I’m deaf because I don’t talk much I hate how uneducated some people are like you know deaf people can talk right? They know I can talk tho. It’s mainly the people from other classes in our year group.

I'm tired of school. I’ve been to so many different schools before but I hate this one so much I hate what’s considered normal here I hate the teachers the alien expectations the pressure and the teachers don’t even teach they just sit on their high chair and let us copy off the board or upload a ppt and tell us to write down the stuff on that. I tell myself, maybe Im a bad person. Maybe that’s why no one likes me I mean no one likes a bad person, right? Wrong. If I was a bad person people here would like me. I’d be popular. I’d fit in. Because a bad person here would fit right in. I don’t fit in. I had a primary girl thrown at me in math corridor, it was such a bad day that day. They didn’t mean to throw her at me I was walking to math, and they pushed her and ran away and her glasses flew off and she started crying really hard. It honestly hurt they pushed her really hard-. And I got her glasses and got a teacher to send her to nurse. what does that make me? I held the door open for that disabled senior in a wheelchair that everyone picks on, what does that make me? I made a bunch of people target me so that they’d leave my ex friends alone, what does that make me?

Weak. You know my year 7 english teacher told me I needed to be more selfish. She actually did tho, exactly like that "no, you need to learn to be more selfish?" for a stupid reason but she was right. 

I almost put my full add.ress and location on here one time. It was so bad I don’t know what doing that was gonna do but I needed someone to be there

I'm tired of trying. Tired of putting on a brave face, of pretending that everything’s okay when it’s not. Tired of dragging myself through each day, forcing myself to keep going when all I want to do is stop. I’m tired of the effort it takes to just exist, to keep pretending that I can handle it all.

I'm tired of being told the same things over and over and over again. same empty reassurances that mean nothing to me anymore. Words lose their power when they’re repeated too often, and I’m tired of hearing them. And now I can’t believe them. And this "I love you" will always be considered a huge lie to me. And this "I care about you" is just an even bigger lie but this being said in any way possible "I understand" is a lie. 

I'm tired of liv.ing the same day over and over and over again. Each day blends into the next, a monotonous loop of des.pair and exha.ustion. Wake up, go through the motions, go to bed, repeat. Im so trapped and lost. Every day is the same, everything’s so predictable, tomorrow isn’t a new day. I can tell you what’ll happen tomorrow. I can tell you what’ll happen in year 9. I’m so tired of it all.

I hate myself so much it’s unexplainable I hate everything about me and sometimes I can acknowledge that I go too far because I judge everything I do and say it’s okay for other people. But that’s because it’s true, I hate myself for existing. A genuine convo with myself, Why are you even breathing? Bro *** will you. I’m just saying, you like making people happy don’t you go k.ys. There’s no point it won’t do anything. You know it will everything changes for the better

no one even likes you

stop.

I talk tto myself like that in my head a lot. In my last dream everyone thought I was gone and suddenly everything’s different, oof I don't want to talk about that either

no one seems to get it no one can just understand. I’m hurting I’m hurting so bad every single day I won’t take care I won’t be gentle with myself and those long lists of why you shouldn't k.ys don’t apply to me. you know how I can tell no one understands because the things they say seriously no one would say that if they could actually understand because a lot of the things I get told on here make me feel worse but ofcourse I won’t say that but I’m the only one that’s going through what I’m going through I don’t expect anyone to read my mind but try. If you think you hurt me, you can be here for me now, no? you can try to help me now. I forgive you, I don’t need anyone to ‘make it up to me’. but if you care about me you could try, because you care about me, right?

so I got three emails at first saying they got my request and would try their best to respond in the next 48 hours and- it’s been a little over a week but ofcourse they’re busy and then I got this 

Thank you for contacting 7 Cups. If we delete your account it is not reversible. Do you want us to delete your account? 

or that’s the main part, so I think I figured out how to respond. I just felt like saying that because I feel bad because I probably should’ve waited until I got that but I didn’t know about it I thought they’d just do it right away, actually I thought the moment you’d send the request your account would just go and I don’t know why I thought that. I told myself I’d stay atleast until my last day on cups and that took a while :') not that like, I’m not making sense nvm. I just wanted to apologize tho🤍

I didn't sleep again. good morning <3 everyone's on break or gone for a while it's kinda. well idk. I could use having someone to talk to rn I think

_{https://open.spotify.com/track/3H7xeHNvo4hMx0iQ5O5HCh?si=4xr-u-YQTjiimfRNwqtVFQ}

_{https://open.spotify.com/track/1u37UNjNoytcUVkZ93nZRf?si=oYIqd3AVRA-I-xEzVV4u5g}

_{dads alarm went off but he's not gonna get up for a while.} 

I'll be able to come on in 16 hours probably

he's actually awake but- I'm just gonna wait. 

I don’t know why I expected something to change when I logged on again. feel really empty.

at the hospital, I had to get on this x ray bed and it had this huge machine thing over it was really bright tho. doctor says I have to get surgery soon but because I have swelling around the fracture we have to wait for that to heal to avoid complications during the surgery. I’m trying really hard to understand but it’s not meant to be that serious but because I have misaligned bones it’s basically necessary but I’ve never had surgery for something like that before. dad called he’s mad my aunt took me anyway. 

I’ve been reading about what they’d do and I asked chatgpt a lot of questions just because chatgpt would know my full situation so it’s easier to get accurate answers I guess

and I know it might not be like this and they could use different things idk but from what I know it could look something like this

well ofc my dad came back now but I mean what even is that and how do they get it there :’)? I’m just scared idk. bbl