in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{they have me on a leash.}

nobody wants a broken girl.

_{in lead.}

_{shadow’s in today.}

_{I thought he’d be absent but whatever. he just came in late.}

_{I had to go pick up a calculator from a girl in my yeargroup-}

_{i have 21 minutes-}

_{I had to go pick up a calculator from a girl in my yeargroup-}

_{i have 21 minutes-}

school internet-

_{I wish I could give guys something else to physically stare at.}

_…..

_{I just don’t get it :’) I don’t understand. I don’t get the difference between me and her- what can I do to be enough..? I’m so genuine at this point. because I’ve gave everyone my everything. and now I’ve apparently "lost that spark to my eye". I’m gone. I can’t go through stuff and be so perfect but when I’m expected to do something I do it-? I try. I just try. I swear I’m so hurt. I swear it hurts. you hurt me. what does it take to see it. you hate seeing others hurt but you hurt me you literally stole who I used to be. I came here so. not gonna say hopeful because I thought this was something for sewerslide but whatever. innocent? people are actually so fake here. it’s insane because when im at school I feel like I just can’t keep my eyes open because of how mentally draining. being surrounded by friends and friend groups everywhere but you’re the only freak. I complimented a couple people today. and I helped some randoms. I like doing it. but now- you just do stuff for how everyone else sees you? literally no one cares. if you want to fit in you can’t just be nice. but that’s why I thought it’d be different here because almost every time someone would go against a rule or be rude/mean/hurtful in any way everyone would get involved. but what actually happens that hurts people isn’t seen. I swear I’m hurt but I don’t get the difference. a hurting girl and a "hurting" girl.? the minute you can’t be anyone’s pawn anymore you don’t even matter. you don’t matter. at 2% I’m gonna go.} 

_{you didn’t bother. you couldn’t bother.}

@iloveyouxx

*hugs*

@iloveyouxx *offers safe hugs* I'm sorry someone hurt you here 😞 This place has changed so much since I first joined. I've watched it slowly get worse and no one does anything 💙

_{my heart-}

_{at school.}

_{slt are looking for me.}

I got home late. 

for I’m pretty sure the third time ever.-

_{one was an hour after school detention ( I literally didn’t do anything- )}

_{second was when I actually had friends(ikr it’s wild-)and they made me stay after school until my full name got called in a microphone to go down to reception- where it pretty much got..a lot- but I didn’t care. It was just some random seniors and it didn’t matter}

_{and now I just. I’m lost.}

_{after school detention is horrifying.} 

_{I was really new to the school and it was my first year of secondary where we had to find our classes- it was so much more complicated tho. it didn’t say things like "math" it’d say things like "S082"-?}

_{there are so many and the numbers aren’t even in order. there’re 6 big staircases and some others and just the whole school is huge in general- when I was being introduced to the whole school it was so much I thought we were already outside it at some point because there was no possible way all that was still just one school..?}

_{standards cards are so unfair. uniform, 'corridor conduct', makeup, missing equipment, late to lesson, swearing- I forgot the rest-}

_{late to lesson in 3 on a standard card and if you get 5 teacher signatures that’s an after school detention.}

_{I told my only friend at the time (who’s now expelled for attempted murder and getting sum stuff to school but whatever-) that it was just all guys there and she wasn’t surprised.}

"what’re you in for?"

tw.

_{they thought it was funny that I was "in for" a full standard card.}

_{why’re they so scary tho-}

_{It was- peaceful. today.}

I came home late but no one cared. I used to come at 3:07 and my family would give me a whole lecture. that’s when I first tw sh’d but whatever. 

idk why I hate the idea sm tho. every time someone assumes I do I do anything I can to prove that I don’t. which- I don’t. :’). it doesn’t do anything. for me at least.

that hometime sound goes off at 3:05 for non bus students but teachers still choose to dismiss us late either way.

_{I just hid for a while. In the english girl’s bathroom- everyone skips there.} 

I left pe at 2:50 cos that’s when bus students leave but pe teachers never notice because- they don’t memorize who’s bus ofc like what- and there’re way too many of us to notice. 3sets in one lesson-

_{then I just. well first I went to my arabic class cos I forgot my water bottle and my teacher just threw it next to the garbage bin on the floor like really-}

_{there was a little girl in her class :’) I just said excuse me cos she was clearly distracted and I couldn’t find my water bottle- but she just kept looking at her ipad so I said nevermind-}

i accidentally said "she’s so cute" out loud because—

im not horrible right now. I mean. I’m- I’ve gotten in such a bad state where I just can’t :3 I lost my voice- idk how it happens- I can’t smile and my eyes are half open. I just have a dead look to me. 

I love doing things for people more than anyone. I shut down but I’m not the type of person to shut down and "stop being able to love" or care. 

I just try. and don’t say it’s enough I know it’s not. (you weren’t gonna say that you don’t care I’m just talkative I’m sorry-) 

(I’m sorry-)

_{god how irritating can you get.-}

_mm. 

_{I know.}

my water bottle was in another class. pointless details but I’m meant to be studying- it’s for french tho- I’m good at french-?

please shut up-

_gosh- 

_{maybe it’s boredom-}

_{..I wish like was more boring.}

_{it’s my space. but it feels wrong.} 

_{it was so quiet.}

_{oh yeah. the school teachers made a meeting. because apparently there was an incident in the bathrooms and obv there always has been because that’s where everyone (everyone-) skips and vapes and fights and all that-}

_{and made this agreement/decision that now bathrooms in class/lessons are banned. not allowed. all my teachers already know-}

_{i just feel bad because some people didn’t do anything- and that’s kinda a big decision-}

_{I just got my water bottle and started walking down the arabic corridor. then the french that lead to the math corridor-}

_{no one was there at all.} 

_{I did see one teacher and apparently that was my math teacher-} 

_{it was so quiet tho.}

_{math corridor was the easiest way to the biggest stairway that lead to the secondary gates.} 

I just. sat down in lost and found- probably sounds weird but no one ever went there, no one was anywhere either way, and the ac there was the best and I just needed a minute to breathe.

_{pe is so intense.}

_{dads back I have to go.-}

_{I can’t live like this anymore. It hurts and I’m not sorry.}