gonna jump on the diary train
if anyone wants to reply, they may. i'd love support. i'm more open on the internet than in real life. perhaps i'll find a friend.
this is just my spot to complain or rant about stuff, especially the little things i wouldn't go to a listener for. this is a place where if people choose to care, they can, but no one has to listen
and i guess i could come back to this or something and look back on my thoughts
i've known my english teacher for not even 2 days and he's already treating me like a little kid and looking over my shoulder occasionally
is it because i wrote on that get to know me paper that i had anxiety? or was the adhd? or does he just not trust me? the vice principal doesn't trust me. i don't know why. i'm never out of class without a good excuse, i don't ever skip class even when i don't even feel like going to school. i don't even know what i did.
maybe the vp talked to my english teacher
this is why i don't want my school concerned about my mental health or involved in anything to do with it because they don't help, and the teachers only listen to other teachers
we had to pick out a silent reading book from the library
i didn't see anything i was interested in, the english teacher noticed and starts acting like i'm a little kid and tries to pick out a book for me. he tried to make me pick out of 2 books i wasnt even remotely interested in. no offense, mr. wilson, but i'd rather read about herpes.
then he got the librarian involved and she made me feel even more pressured, my anxiety was really getting the best of me
i just wanted to run away.
i ended up getting away from them and picking out a book last minute. it's about this kid who time travels to ancient egypt and i think there's fire or something and a lizard person. i don't even like to read anymore
i don't feel safe in this classroom
in music class now, nothing has started. i skipped breakfast (just forgot this time) so i grabbed some cheerios from the breakfast program but i don't feel like eating it
there's the smell of buttered popcorn and boys' deodorant.
i want out
I just made this and i don't even know what the hell i am doing with my life anymore.
What am I even supposed to do with it
I went to a "jam session" on Friday. I expected it to be a get-together for a bunch of teenagers who like music, where you brought your own instruments, played with other people, and shared your love of music with others, and just had fun.
It was actually a dysfunctional family rock band who rented out the community centre to look for new members.
It was scary. The band manager (who was scary) was the mother of AT LEAST one kid. She kept telling him he was making things extremely difficult and I don't even know what he did. Another kid kept pressuring his sister to play bass, even when she didn't want to. He once got off his instrument. The manager stared him right in the eye and told him, "What are you doing? Back on the drums!" and snapped her fingers at him.
It wasn't even my sound.
I sing and play piano and ukulele. I mostly write my own songs. I didn't know any of the songs they were playing (they could really only play songs everyone already knew or could quickly learn) except for Zombie by the Cranberries. I could've sang that. But we couldn't play it because nobody could play the bass line.
People kept sighing and yelling at each other. The band manager was getting fed up with her kid(s) and I had a panic attack.
Total rip-off, left early, never going back.
I just predicted the future through my dream yesterday. I have a long distance friend who lost his phone back in september and he was out of contact for 5 months. My messages stopped even delivering.
Had a dream that I texted him and he replied almost instantly. Woke up, still pretty early, went back to sleep. Had the exact same dream. Woke up, decided to text him just in case, because that was strange. It went through and he replied almost instantly. What the hell.
i'm fucking stupid. i had a good day yesterday. everytime i have a good day the depression hits badly the next day or two. good days are a warning sign. i knew how today was gonna be. i'm supposed to be writing lyrics for someone. I could've done it yesterday. I knew yesterday that today was gonna be like this. I'm not in a good place to do anything right now. I can't fucking do it now. If i knew how it was gonna be why didn't i just fucking do it? Now they have to wait even longer. What the hell am i doing
ok...
i'm trying to get better...
but yesterday i set foot on a path i promised myself i would never venture down...
and i have made things worse. but now, i can't stop.
it's only going to go downhill from here, i know.
my close friend seems to be avoiding me.
i know it's probably because they probably think i'm avoiding them because i'm socially awkward and i usually sit by myself because i think no one wants to sit with me. I never ask them to hang out because i feel like they'd just say yes to be polite and i'd spend the rest of the time thinking they're not enjoying it and just feels pressured to hang out with me. I do this with a lot of people.
but instead of actually believing that's why, i think i'm doing something else wrong. They just suddenly stopped talking to me that much and don't seem to acknowledge me
i don't know why he's actually doing it. And it's just me. They don't distance themself from anyone else. So its not just depression, it's me specifically. They talk to other people a lot and i rarely see them alone.
i want them back. I'm going through a really hard time and I need them. Plus the fact that I'm extremely worried about them. Even if they've just decided they don't want me anymore, i still want to make sure they will be ok. It would lift a huge weight off my shoulder if i knew for sure they were going to be ok, and an even bigger one if i could be the one to help them.
I'm sorry, i never meant to do you harm. I never meant to avoid you. I really really miss you. I want to be there for you and i need you to be here for me.
