Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I am so tired and so out of it. I can't focus and my head is hurting bad. I've been so dizzy and not focussed I don't know why I get myself into stupid shit. I hate myself for being back in this situation. There is no fixing, no break, nothing to make this better. I am worth nothing more than what I am getting.
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I think you are worth way more and deserve much better than what you're getting
@mytwistedsoul
I don't think I am. This is all my fault
@calmLake1999 I'm sorry but I have to disagree - it is not your fault that he treats you the way he is - that fault lies with in him and him alone. Noone deserves to be treated like that - no matter what the other person may think they've done; Everyone deserves to be treated with decency Calm - you and me included. We aren't possessions - we are throw away toys - we aren't anyones punching bags. We do deserve better - no matter what
@mytwistedsoul
I can't breathe under all this weight and guilt. If I can't stop being stupid and making him mad at me how do I make it stop. It's gotta make sense that this is happening because of me, there just doesnt seem to be any other excuse. I am the reason he gets mad. I am the reason he does the things he does. He only hurts me because I argue and fight or don't respond. I can't win and I'm so sore and confused. I gotta be better .
@calmLake1999 I think alot of couples have arguements and disagree on things but they don't resort to being abusive. If there's something you don't like or something you don't agree with - you should be able to say it with out fear of repercussions. Maybe a break would be helpful - I'm sure he would disagree. Or maybe - Idk - there's so many things I want to say.
I do understand the thinking - that everything is your fault. I think the same way too. But in all honesty - we really aren't bad people. In his mind - I don't think there is anything you could do that he wouldn't find fault with. It's what he uses for his excuses - to justify his treatment of you. But he is wrong - I wish I could help you see just how wrong he is
Forgive me if I've overstepped
@mytwistedsoul
You haven't overstepped. He doesn't like breaks. He doesn't like the word no, he gets very angry when I tell him no. It's just it feels so so much like my fault because everything I do I mess up. I'm not even a good friend or person so therefore I deserve this. I don't know I feel sick. I don't like this. I can't be strong anymore, I keep falling time and again for him saying sorry but then he's not so easily anymore. The sorry is just to get in the door
@calmLake1999 I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you to look at what you wrote. The second sentence - he doesn't like - he gets. It's not all about him. What about you - what you like - what makes you angry.
As someone who considers you a friend and a good person - you don't deserve this. You are right - that sorry is just to get through the door. That sorry gets him what he wants. And you knowing that and acknowledging it - says that you have at least alittle idea that it isn't right - each time you tell him no - what if it helps make you stronger? Yeah that no will make him mad - but if he get's mad anyway - why not hold on to that no?
@mytwistedsoul
It's scary to hold onto that no soul, worse things happen when I keep telling him no. When I stay mad and he's mad it's not good. It's easier to not get him madder
@calmLake1999 Ok Calm - I understand. I'm sorry.
I know a few days back you said you were going to call your therapist - I was wondering if you had the chance to do that? If she had some input - I seriously doubt she would see you as stupid
@mytwistedsoul
Please don't apologize I just, it's too hard and scary to hold onto the no. It's there's bad and there's worse, its confusing because I don't know how to phrase it properly but in my mind I have different parts of when it's too much. But there's been a lot of too much. I'm sorry I don't know what I'm writing now.
I did call my therapist and told her little bits but she said that my safety has to be number one priority so i couldn't tell her what I had prepared to tell her cause I dont know if I'm safe or not because I didn't want to worry her. I see her on Friday so idk what to do there. I think I need to be more honest. It's just I'm at a point of not caring atm I think it's cause nothing is really making sense now and things are fuzzy
@calmLake1999 I really do understand that. It is hard to hold on to that no because if you don't - that one yes will lead to a world of hurt for you - yes? I apologize if that sounds blunt.
Different parts for when it becomes too much - like - becoming someone different - yes? Maybe I'm misunderstanding. With it being too much all the time - that part needs a break. That part is also overwhelmed as well - yes?
You do Calm - you need to be honest with her. She has your best interests at heart. You've seen her long enough that you trust her. Please trust her with this - because if you aren't safe and you do something - she - just wants to help you. To keep you safe - she sounds like a very nice therapist
@mytwistedsoul
Yeah it's a lot more hurt when I hold onto the no, more intense and overwhelming, it's too much to take when that happens.
I think there is different parts that take over sometimes when it's something I can't handle but I'm not sure. There is also the time missing which is confusing and frustrating. All of me is becoming overwhelmed and it's fusing into this exhaustion of being done.
The safety part isn't safe from myself which I'm not sure I could promise her at the moment but the safety is she wants to know my safety all around is ok which I can't lie to her and say it is when I'm not sure I am fully safe. Moments I've had with him have me questioning how safe I am in this world and not just from myself.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry this is too much to be writing down here. That's a bad thing to do
@calmLake1999 You don't need to apologize. I do understand how it seems like a bad thing to do here. It feels as though we're telling secrets we shouldn't be telling. I've told a few secrets here as well that are uncomfortable
I hate feelings they are stupid
How do we make the bad stuff go away when there is fighting to protect him? He is bad but we can't make him go away because of this.
@calmLake1999 What if it could help him be better? If it could help him not be bad?
@mytwistedsoul
That would be good to be able to help him. He is not good right now and he hurts so we need to get away, but this protecting thing is what makes him keep coming back.
@calmLake1999
We've gotta help not hurt. There's too much hurting happening.
@calmLake1999 You're right there is too much hurting going on. You might need someone to help you. I understand wanting to protect him but he can't get the help he needs. Is there someone that comes to mind that can help you help him?
Different strategies have been discussed today but the main one is to move house again which is an exhausting thought and sad because I love this house but there are valid points that my therapist and I discussed involving my safety.. seems atm that I might only truly find safety if I move again
Tired and empty. Deep deep emptiness. Sore but that's a background to the emptiness. Why keep trying?
Most of the female respondents answered trees so therefore, men, be aware, do not buy and cut flowers unnecessarilly but instead hire a truck trailer and bring your dear woman a bouquet of trees🤗😁😀
I can't get this feeling off my skin, I have showered too many times tonight and my skin is raw from scrubbing and scratching at it. It just won't leave no matter how hard I try. I can't even look at my skin and have resorted to wearing sweat pants and jumpers so I don't have to look at the grossness that is my skin. It's hot but I have to wear this because I can't handle the feeling or the look. I can't get it to leave
I broke down tonight to him. After things had happened and he hurt me bad, I started crying and became hysterical I think, I couldn't breathe and I yelled at him, continued yelling. I told him he couldn't keep doing this to me, it's not fair. He said he was sorry and just looked at me. I'm still very worked up and shaky but he did leave finally. I was so numb at first and then it hurt so bad and I kept thinking of my therapist saying I didn't deserve this and I couldn't stop crying. I can't keep doing this with him but I don't know what it'll take to make him stop. I shouldn't have cried, crying shows weakness but I'm at a loss now. I'm tired of everything hurting. I'm tired of this feeling I have inside and out. This can't be my life. This can't keep happening!
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I agree with your therapist - you don't deserve this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sitting with me soul. I just don't know how to handle this anymore
@calmLake1999 You're welcome Calm - It must feel as though you're being torn in two. One part says one thing and another part says the exact opposite thing. Maybe you could take a break from one another - to give yourself some time - to sort things out? I know in someways - it's hard to be alone but sometimes we need that alone time - to process things - to heal and make sense of other things.
I don't like crying either - it was allways viewed as a weakness too. But sometimes - Idk - it's cleansing - a release and we need too - when the pain is too great
@mytwistedsoul
I've tried breaking things off with him before and he didn't like that. It went good for a while but he showed back up. I could try and bring up the idea of a break with him but I'm not sure. I am so torn and lost atm.
I don't know where the crying came from, I try so hard not to show him my emotions, sometimes I get angry and fight back but he gets angrier usually but I just lost it this time.
@calmLake1999 Thats one of the things about being an adult - sometimes we have to do things we don't like and it does make us angry. But sometimes it really is for the best and sometimes one person needs to be the bigger adult and say enough - yeah? You've had enough - no more
I think the fact that you lost it - is your way - emotionally and mentally - that you have had enough and maybe yourdoing that and him just looking at you - maybe he see's it - know what I mean? If he didn't really get angry - but just looked at you and left - maybe he realizes you've reached your breaking point
Sometimes when the emotions get to be too much and we can't tuck them away - they come out. Usually when we don't want them to. Especially in front of the very people we're trying to keep them from but - Idk - maybe some people need to be reminded that we're people too - not toys or possessions - or objects. We are flesh and blood - we hurt - we get emotional and we lose it
@mytwistedsoul
I think I've definitely had enough now, I'm just scared of the repercussions. I'm so glad he just left tonight after I lost it. He did apologise so maybe that means he's actually sorry? It's so confusing. I can't even find words now my mind is going really fuzzy.
Thank you for being here with me ♥️
@calmLake1999 You're welcome :) And I hope - well - remember he's apologized before and went back to the way he was. Please - try to see past his apology - see it for the lies that it is
Let's try to take some deep breaths together - I see Jess has joined us :)
Maybe try that balloon breathing thing? We'll all do it and fill the sky with balloons
I can't breathe. It's all too much. Just need to sleep but how can I sleep when I can't breathe?