Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I am so tired and so out of it. I can't focus and my head is hurting bad. I've been so dizzy and not focussed I don't know why I get myself into stupid shit. I hate myself for being back in this situation. There is no fixing, no break, nothing to make this better. I am worth nothing more than what I am getting.
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I think you are worth way more and deserve much better than what you're getting
@mytwistedsoul
I don't think I am. This is all my fault
@calmLake1999 I'm sorry but I have to disagree - it is not your fault that he treats you the way he is - that fault lies with in him and him alone. Noone deserves to be treated like that - no matter what the other person may think they've done; Everyone deserves to be treated with decency Calm - you and me included. We aren't possessions - we are throw away toys - we aren't anyones punching bags. We do deserve better - no matter what
I hate feelings they are stupid
How do we make the bad stuff go away when there is fighting to protect him? He is bad but we can't make him go away because of this.
@calmLake1999 What if it could help him be better? If it could help him not be bad?
@mytwistedsoul
That would be good to be able to help him. He is not good right now and he hurts so we need to get away, but this protecting thing is what makes him keep coming back.
@calmLake1999
We've gotta help not hurt. There's too much hurting happening.
@calmLake1999 You're right there is too much hurting going on. You might need someone to help you. I understand wanting to protect him but he can't get the help he needs. Is there someone that comes to mind that can help you help him?
Different strategies have been discussed today but the main one is to move house again which is an exhausting thought and sad because I love this house but there are valid points that my therapist and I discussed involving my safety.. seems atm that I might only truly find safety if I move again
Tired and empty. Deep deep emptiness. Sore but that's a background to the emptiness. Why keep trying?
Most of the female respondents answered trees so therefore, men, be aware, do not buy and cut flowers unnecessarilly but instead hire a truck trailer and bring your dear woman a bouquet of trees🤗😁😀
I can't get this feeling off my skin, I have showered too many times tonight and my skin is raw from scrubbing and scratching at it. It just won't leave no matter how hard I try. I can't even look at my skin and have resorted to wearing sweat pants and jumpers so I don't have to look at the grossness that is my skin. It's hot but I have to wear this because I can't handle the feeling or the look. I can't get it to leave
I broke down tonight to him. After things had happened and he hurt me bad, I started crying and became hysterical I think, I couldn't breathe and I yelled at him, continued yelling. I told him he couldn't keep doing this to me, it's not fair. He said he was sorry and just looked at me. I'm still very worked up and shaky but he did leave finally. I was so numb at first and then it hurt so bad and I kept thinking of my therapist saying I didn't deserve this and I couldn't stop crying. I can't keep doing this with him but I don't know what it'll take to make him stop. I shouldn't have cried, crying shows weakness but I'm at a loss now. I'm tired of everything hurting. I'm tired of this feeling I have inside and out. This can't be my life. This can't keep happening!
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I agree with your therapist - you don't deserve this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sitting with me soul. I just don't know how to handle this anymore
@calmLake1999 You're welcome Calm - It must feel as though you're being torn in two. One part says one thing and another part says the exact opposite thing. Maybe you could take a break from one another - to give yourself some time - to sort things out? I know in someways - it's hard to be alone but sometimes we need that alone time - to process things - to heal and make sense of other things.
I don't like crying either - it was allways viewed as a weakness too. But sometimes - Idk - it's cleansing - a release and we need too - when the pain is too great
@mytwistedsoul
I've tried breaking things off with him before and he didn't like that. It went good for a while but he showed back up. I could try and bring up the idea of a break with him but I'm not sure. I am so torn and lost atm.
I don't know where the crying came from, I try so hard not to show him my emotions, sometimes I get angry and fight back but he gets angrier usually but I just lost it this time.
@calmLake1999 Thats one of the things about being an adult - sometimes we have to do things we don't like and it does make us angry. But sometimes it really is for the best and sometimes one person needs to be the bigger adult and say enough - yeah? You've had enough - no more
I think the fact that you lost it - is your way - emotionally and mentally - that you have had enough and maybe yourdoing that and him just looking at you - maybe he see's it - know what I mean? If he didn't really get angry - but just looked at you and left - maybe he realizes you've reached your breaking point
Sometimes when the emotions get to be too much and we can't tuck them away - they come out. Usually when we don't want them to. Especially in front of the very people we're trying to keep them from but - Idk - maybe some people need to be reminded that we're people too - not toys or possessions - or objects. We are flesh and blood - we hurt - we get emotional and we lose it
@mytwistedsoul
I think I've definitely had enough now, I'm just scared of the repercussions. I'm so glad he just left tonight after I lost it. He did apologise so maybe that means he's actually sorry? It's so confusing. I can't even find words now my mind is going really fuzzy.
Thank you for being here with me ♥️
@calmLake1999 You're welcome :) And I hope - well - remember he's apologized before and went back to the way he was. Please - try to see past his apology - see it for the lies that it is
Let's try to take some deep breaths together - I see Jess has joined us :)
Maybe try that balloon breathing thing? We'll all do it and fill the sky with balloons
I can't breathe. It's all too much. Just need to sleep but how can I sleep when I can't breathe?
