Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I'm so broken, I'm lying here in bed wishing for him to be here. I really care for him even though I'm scared of him. Idk why or what is wrong with me. I feel lonely and empty. He can be really nice sometimes and I really like that side of him. I can't stop crying because when I asked him to come over he told me to go away that he didn't have time for me today. It's so confusing, he only wants to come over when I don't want him here but when I do he doesn't want to be here. I'm so so stupid I really miss him but I don't and I want this pain to be over
What is wrong with me? Why am I such an idiot. Who misses someone that hurts them?!? God maybe I do deserve the things that happen
I'm so confused, I have this burning question in my mind.. but I'm too ashamed to ask it and I feel like I have the answer but when I talked with him he told me it was all my fault, my doing, my wanting but I don't think it is.. I'm angry but sad and just so confused. I still haven't told my therapist what is going on because how do you ask for help when you put yourself back in this position. No I mustn't ask for help this is all on me
@calmLake1999 You have run through my mind so many times these past few days. And in all honesty there are so many things I wish I could say to you. I wish you could see yourself though mine and Jess's eyes. To see the bright warm wonderful person that is.... you. You are so much more then what you've been told you are. You deserve so much more then you've been given. I hope that one day you will see this too. You have friends here who care about you no matter what. Friends that support you no matter what.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I don't know how to be myself anymore..
I don't recall what it felt like before..
All I see is darkness and night,
No longer able to imagine the light..
This deep pit of emptiness and despair,
Lungs closing in, no longer able to get air..
The pain is too much to bare..
A constant exhaustion,
And hollow sadness,
Deep loneliness
With a need to be alone
Extreme confusion
Just give me a pause,
Give me a break..
Let this pain stop,
For just even a night
I'm tired of this. I think I need to admit now that I need help. I can't keep dealing with this alone, it's too much, it hurts too much, but how do I do this when alot of it is my fault, my stupidity that got me here. It's not safe to do anything and I can't live like this but I'm scared of being told how stupid I am, I let it get this bad
Its officially my 26th birthday but besides that, I felt so much joy yesterday. I had a pre-birthday surprise/barbecue from my boyfriend and his family for lunch, and then my family did the same for dinner. We played loeteria & had a lot of laughs. It was so liberating that I can be whoever I want around them(drunk, loud, comical) but i also feel great shame and embarrassment. I think Im too blunt and inconsiderate of the words I say. They may be jokes but to others it seemed to be uncomfortable for them.Which always happens to me. I always feel like Im the most annoying, obnoxious person in the room. But in reality Im simply trying to clear the air and make everyone laugh and let loose. I have so much guilt and I have trouble sleeping every other night. Any advice?
Dazed. It's all stupid. I'm tired. Scattered and numb. Driving was dangerous, liked singing but no focus. Too long, took too much time. Opened up, it's hard, easier to be quiet. Too much happening. Talking is hard. So tired. Napping might be needed.
I feel different, defeated but nothing feels real, everything is spinning. Numb still while I work through things, but not really working through things. Safe now, boundary in place, no sleeping over. He's mad, not happy but got what he wanted. Fuzzy protecting me. Blurry night, lasting forever but moving in a distant way. Can't articulate. Unsafe things happening before but fine now. Cleaned after, lots of cleaning have to clean the room once he gone. It's better than sleep might come. Don't remember when last slept properly. Pain sitting on the peripheral. Numb to my body, not really belonging to me. Don't like words, words are more scary than actions. Sleepy again. Sorry for not being here. Not wanting to put the bad stuff here no more. Words aren't easy right now. Everything is off
@calmLake1999 Sometimes there is no need for many words. Sometimes the silence is understood just as well as anything you might say. Just know that either way you're in someone's thoughts
I don't remember a lot of what happened this week. It's all like a haze with some blurry memories tucked away but most of it is blank. I feel a little more grounded this morning. Anxious still because I don't know what tonight holds for me. I haven't been at work either this week I had to take off. I can't remember why I took the week off but I know I start back on Monday which is and isn't a relief. I feel extremely tired, I don't know if I've been sleeping or not. Kind of feels like I have been. I am a little disoriented so maybe I have been sleeping. I don't know..
