Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I'm lost inside a darkness..
A world of hurt and shame,
Blaming myself for the madness..
And shifting others possible blame..
How did I get it so wrong?
Where do I sit with this?
When time seems so long,
And life is always amiss!
When I can't find the words
To describe the pain inside,
I can't seem to breathe,
And my mind goes somewhere to hide..
I see quite clearly in hindsight,
The things I wish I didn't do,
Always hardest to ease at night..
By still making excuses for you..
This time was supposed to be different,
This time I was supposed to feel,
An element of what ive been missing,
Instead I now have to heal..
A different kind of wound,
One that eats at my soul,
The self blame and critic,
Is having a ball..
I thank you for your time,
That early you I seen,
Gave me so much hope,
But it wasn't meant to be..
A war raging inside my mind,
To not let this define..
I see the pain and the excuses,
The destructive thoughts I have,
The critic roaring at me,
For my intuition I refused to believe..
I ignored the signs and all the flags,
I told myself I was being stupid.
I believed your truth,
Of how normal works,
And went along with the ruse.
I believe again,
How broken I am.
How easy it is to deceive,
How remorse and regret,
Can be faked,
While you continue to deplete.
I am no innocent inside of this,
I am an adult now.
I made you angry, and yell at me,
With my quirks and stressful needs
We both became frustrated,
Inside of this so called relations,
But while I tried to let you go,
You behaved so different.
Ironic as it is.
I do not blame you,
I do not hate you.
I wish you a good life.
I reserved the hate and blame for myself.
Now is a time for moving forward,
To release the thoughts,
And step out of the cycle.
Time is the biggest healer,
I have to learn to seek support,
And not let the darkness pull me under.
From the scattered mind of Tat ❤️
My mind is screaming at me today, I can't quiet it. I went to therapy and couldn't even talk because my mind is too loud, dragging me into the things I don't wanna see and reminding me of the values I have on myself. I feel dark and lost and there is no light
@calmLake1999
Are you alright? Please reach out to a listener if you need to talk.
@electricPoetry61
I'll be fine, I don't really feel like talking right now. I'm sorry, but thank you
@calmLake1999 Hey How are you?
I hope you don't mind - and I apologize if you do - I just wanted to check in on you see how you are today.
Distressed and scared.. not great feelings to hold. I was fine while at work but as soon as I got home it hit me like a train 😞
I'm at a loss right now, my mind is on loop and confused. I started to feel so angry tonight when driving home from work, just this white hot anger and then it just left and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I try and try so hard to improve my life and escape the violence and fear only to find myself back in the cycle. I don't understand why I put myself in these cycles. I hate the fear, listening out for every sound and waiting and hoping he doesn't show again. My heart racing constantly at this time of the night, not being able to sleep without nightmares but also that fear that he will just show up again. I haven't heard from him since the last time so logically I think I should be starting to feel safe. But I can't feel safe because I can't be sure I won't just mess up my life again by going into another bad cycle.. I'm not even a hundred percent but I threw myself back into work because I need to be getting back to the normal routine and I love caring for those I do. I just feel so abnormal and out of place in this world. I feel like I'm a character that wasn't meant to be created and now is just waiting for the ending. Idk my mind is a mess, I can't explain what I'm thinking. I'm also just so tired. But it doesn't feel safe to sleep so I can't let myself fall asleep
Smell is the biggest trigger, especially right now, I'm unsure if I'm being paranoid or remembering something just that smell, it's too familiar and I don't like it being in my house. I've been at work and just got home, as soon as I walked in I could smell it. I'm not sure what is happening with my brain. Paranoia overload maybe?
@calmLake1999 It is - I have a problem with it too. Once it's triggered it's hard to let it go. Is there a way you could open the windows quick and give the house a quick airing out or maybe a candle of a favorite scent or even incense?
@mytwistedsoul
I'll try that, thank you, I can't even think right now
@calmLake1999 I'll just sit here with you for abit if that's ok
@mytwistedsoul
I'd like that, thank you
@calmLake1999 You're welcome - anytime.
I gotta go offline for a little while, it's not safe
@calmLake1999 Be gentle with yourself Calm. I'm sorry you aren't feeling safe.
I'm so scared please help I don't understand why I can't make this stop. It's not safe anywhere
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm here. How about we take a few deep breaths together?
@mytwistedsoul
Ok, I'll try, its jjust really hard right now, it's not safe anywhere
@calmLake1999 I understand that feeling - you aren't alone with that. Do you have things you can do to sooth yourself? A special song you could listen to? Perhaps someone you could call? You have everything locked up - yes? IS there a room that feels safer to you then the other rooms?
I'm going to sit here with you - we can talk or sit quietly if you like.
@mytwistedsoul
I have locked everything up now. I just can't focus on anything and I'm so tired but I can't sleep.
@calmLake1999 How about a nice cup of tea? Some chamomile - something to help you relax.
@mytwistedsoul
I don't know if I can relax
@calmLake1999 It can be hard to relax when you're feeling so scared. First how about we try to ground? Have you tried that? 5 things you can see - 4 things you can feel - 3 things you can hear - 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
It's ok if it doesn't work - there are other things we can try - ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Ok, I've tried it before, with my therapist and Jess has done it with me too.. I can try again..
@calmLake1999 I know it's hard sometimes to focus on those when your focus is on your fears. So I do understand if it doesn't work at this time. It's ok. You're safe. Your doors are locked. I'm here with you.
My apologies if I'm overwhelming you or not helping. We'll get through this ok?
This song, I like slipknot but this song, this is what I feel is happening..
And I'm your shade
Do what you want
Just remember it's for love
And I'm your rock
Don't run away
Don't forget it's only love
And I'm your lock
There's no escape
Just as long as I say love
And I'm your cold
You end with me
Remember, this was never love
I feel so stupid for last night, things happened and then I panicked and I couldn't get myself out of the fear. I'm so so embarrassed for writing here, about my fear and asking for help. I know in that moment I needed help but I don't deserve to ask for help. I'm being selfish deprecating and self critical today. The fear is lessened today, I'm numb, shook, emotionless. But that's easier to deal with so I might sit with it. I don't know what else to say. I think it might be better for everyone if I retreat a bit, until I sort my head out, until I start processing things.
@calmLake1999 Hey How are you?
It's ok to admit you're scared and it's ok to ask for help. I wanted to thank you actually. Talking with you actually helped me get a handle on an anger issue I was having at the time. So it was kind of like we helped each other. I hope you were able to rest alittle.
Be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, I'm not sure, I'm embarrassed and lost. Thank you for helping me last night, I'm so thankful for you. Hope your doing ok
@calmLake1999 You're welcome!
It's ok to not be sure - tbh - most of the time I'm not sure either. Not to tell you what to do or anything - but please - try not to be embarrassed. Sometimes we all need some help to get through some things. Here at least - everyone is going through something and it helps them understand better.
