Thought Spot (open to all)

Good morning everyone 👋

It's been a day allready. (Technically I'm posting for two days to cover Sunday as well) Where do I start?

I learned about something called Pro Ana. This was new to me so I decided to look it up. I don't really know how to describe it other than interesting. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a cult-like group of people encouraging anorexia by living a set of rules that include not eating over 800 calories and exercising very often. I don't feel like everything there is fit for me but I did consider trying to limit calories. First day is today so let's hope I can do it.

During church yesterday, a few boys in my Sunday school were messing around with some thumbtacks and one in particular was kinda scratching the palm of his hand to get some calluses but it kinda triggered me because thumbtacks and sewing pins were... My method (I guess) of self harm. I had to step out for a minute so I didn't tell or cry.

I decided to write to my ex. The letters probably aren't the best things to write to make this any easier but I had to say what I was thinking. I will give those to him today.

On the subject on my ex, I'm still having dreams about him and fantasising about him multiple times a day. I don't know if it's bad but sometimes I feel like it is.

Woke up late this morning and made everyone else late too, I feel really bad.

That's it for now. Thanks,

Queencake

@Queencake2144

So I lied. I'm NOT giving him the notes today. I'm not gonna be okay today. He just texted me and says he regrets saying the things he did (aka he still loves me misses me and doesn't wanna stay broken up anymore) so I guess I was just a fool to think that maybe we could come to some terms and at least start to talk again but nooooooooo. I know he wants to get better and I know that I can't help but I also know that sometimes he wishes we could be together again so this hurts a lot seeing him push me away.

I don't know what to do.

Someone help me out

@Queencake2144

If you're reading this, by the way, talk to me please. I'm Iost.

I'm sorry it's been so long, I promise I'm still alive.

Thai week was pretty crap.

I've hurt myself again and I'm ashamed, but keep feeling the urge to do it again

I'm suuuuper tempted to tell my ex I can't do this anymore, I want him back so bad. And that fact makes me feel like a horrible person because he's getting better, he's moving on. I'm afraid he's gonna not want me back at all. I want him though. I would do anything for him and I would do anything to get him back. I might talk to him today but I don't know.

I see him everywhere, and in everything too. I washed my hair and wondered if he would've played with it like he used to. I laid in bed and wishes that he would come to me. I stood in front of a mirror and wondered if he would put his arms around me again. I close my eyes and he's everywhere. I miss him. I miss you bear. I'm lost and scared and sad and abandoned like a little puppy on the road.

Please just come back to me.

TW**

I'm scared

I'm scared of me sometimes. I hate me most of the time.

Dang, I hate myself all the time actually.

Or, at least I hate myself now.

I have a pretty easy life. I'm not diagnosed and I probably don't deserve to be but sometimes I wonder if I should be. I'm slipping into depression again and I just want to go home. Sometimes I want to go to a mental hospital, just for a little bit, especially when I'm having a breakdown. I want to be restrained so I don't hit my head or pull my hair or worst of all cut myself again. I want something there for emotional support, a dog would be nice but my care isn't that bad. In fact, I don't deserve any help. My case isn't that bad. What if it's all just in my head? What if I'm caught in some attention grabbing desperate act of mine. I don't deserve help. Why am I important at all. Why do I deserve anything at all. I want all these things that are used to support people for my stupid stupid self diagnosed condition which is probably not even relevant, I'm such a waste of time and energy. I'm such a disaster. I'm so stupid. How could I even be such a horrible person to want something that is actually used seriously. How could I want to get help that I don't need.

I hate myself. I'm such a bad person. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I'm breaking down. We'll see how the day goes but that little cutting pin at home seems very nice right now.

@Queencake2144

Hi--I want to say that your feelings matter and I don't consider you stupid or a bad person. It's clear from reading what you've shared that you're going through something really painful and hard to deal with.

I can really relate to what you're saying of wanting to receive emotional support and have someone care for you. Have felt the same thing in the past of wanting to be in someone's arms, really missing it, and feeling sort of like an abandoned puppy wanting to be held. Can connect with what you're saying of wanting to go to a mental hospital. I imagine that as a sort of safe place where there's someone looking after you who values you enough to stop you from hurting yourself. (Can understand at the same time this other thought you've shared of not wanting to pull resources away from other people, or go seeking help just to have someone tell you that you aren't worth their time.) Just want to affirm again that your feelings matter.

I'm not sure if I completely understand the situation with the ex. It sounds like something where you and he both really feel a deep closeness and both want to be with one another, but it feels like something unhealthy or destructive happens as a result of that. So, there was a decision to break up until one or both of you were healthy enough that it wouldn't be destructive. Is that accurate?

It sounds really difficult to continue having feelings for someone and be voluntarily disconnecting from them or restraining yourself from expressing all of this longing/loneliness. And yet, still continuing to hope that at some point in the future, the two of you can reconnect.

@frigidstars27

You're pretty much on the dot about my ex, except I'm not sure if he wants me back anymore. Which of course just made things harder.

I'm glad someone understands how I'm feeling and that I'm not just going crazy.

Good afternoon all.

**TW***

It's been a day.

Yesterday I decided to talk with my ex, I decided to tell him how I was feeling. I told him that I was missing him and that I wanted him back, and at first he seemed to understand. He seemed to want to make things better, he even hugged me. But then once I left he texted me and said that we couldn't do this. He said he was getting over me and I made it all worse again.

I got so upset I went home and cried and hurt myself. I hated myself for making it worse for him. All I wanted to do is love him but I hurt him instead. I ended up cutting myself and burning myself with hot water. (Usually a shower) I got really upset because he also said he wasn't going to the party my friends were planning and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.

The thing about that though is he said he needed closure, so I braces myself and said goodbye, and now I almost feel like I needed that closure as well. I didn't wake up thinking about him, I didn't want to daydream about him, and I kinda don't feel like I need him as much. I think that what he said finally made me understand that he needs space, and I do too. I do hope that sometime in the future I can have him back, but that's if it happens naturally. I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore and I'm kinda sad about that.

Anyway, after my lovely little breakdown last night I decided to go driving with a friend. To keep things short, I got distracted and had a little fender bender with someone. No one got hurt but I felt so so so horrible that I cried to my friend for like an hour, luckily he's the best friend in the world and helped me through it, I didn't tell him until later but he helped me not want to cut again.

Later that night we were hanging out on the couch and he saw the cuts on my arm, we talked about it and I think he was really sad that I was doing that and I feel bad for worrying him but he said that I could call him anytime I felt like cutting again so that was really helpful. I'm sorry that I worried him though. I hope that I didn't do anything wrong.

All in all, today has been kinda a numb day, I don't know how I feel but I think things will be okay.

@Queencake2144 Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about your recent experiences. I'm glad you are safe and that your friend is there for you as a support system. It is totally understandable to feel guilty about opening up to others in case we worry them or seem like a burden to them. It is a part of any relationship. Even with what happened with your ex, I'm proud that you opened up and were honest with him.

I hope you feel better, and I hope that writing these posts have been helpful so far. All the best, and we are always here for you! *hugs if you are okay with it* :)

@lovelyWhisper66

Hugs are allways acceptable from friends like you!

(Also idk why it touched me so much but i absolutely love that you asked permission like that is so sweet you just made my day)

Good morning everyone 👋

Today is going to be interesting. I'm a little anxious.

On one hand, I'm going to hang out with my friends and I'm very very excited about that. We're all having a potluck and hanging out so that's going to be super fun.

On the other hand, my ex is going to be there and that makes me nervous. I'm worried I'm going to end up closing up again once he comes around. I don't know how to make it seem like everything is normal for both him and me.

There were some other things that are totally irrelevant that I wanted to share,

1) I started a little bit of cooking and so far it has gone really well! I've only made two fairly simple things but they turned out really well. A plus on that note is that when I messed up I didn't get super frustrated like I usually do and I'm proud of myself for it.

2) for those who didn't know I'm an artist (as a hobby) and I've recently been into fashion design. Ive almost filled my first sketchbook and I have one page left which is a huge accomplishment and I also got my first clothing pattern so I can start making clothes and I'm super duper excited!

I can't think of anything else right now but I'll keep y'all updated!

Bye!

@Queencake2144

The party went really well. I didn't close up and nothing big happened but we both saw eachothers cuts and that was hard. I could tell he wanted to be near me sometimes but other times he would avoid me and that hurt.

It was really fun though, had a great time

Hello everyone.

I don't know how I'm feeling today.

I had a friend stay over at my house last night which was fun, we talked about mental health and relationships for a long time before bed. She slept earlier this morning.

It snowed a crap ton last night so now we're kinda stuck at home which is no fun, oh well.

I'm kinda feeling down about myself because yesterday I had a situation where a friend of mine who I love as a brother ask me if i liked him. I realize that I had been getting pretty close to him lately but I don't really see him romantically. I'm really mad at myself for doing that and I don't really know how to explain to him that I really need someone to hug and stuff. I'm scared he's gonna avoid me a bit more now, and I'm probably gonna have to shut off a little bit.

I'm mad that I let myself go like that. I hate that I made him uncomfortable and I feel like I'm super stupid for turning to him. I'm probably taking this too far but Im in the mood to hate myself right now.

Another undescribable mood I'm in, Ive recently had the urge to get up and go somewhere. I wanna go out and be alone and see a big city and walk around new York, explore small towns and cozy shops, see fashion and color and art and go to shows and hear new music and run away from my life now and do something new. I want to do something exciting.

That's not going to happen though, I'm too young and there's too much holding me back.

I really don't know what's going on.

Thanks for tuning in

@Queencake2144

I think I figured it out. I'm depressed right now and I really just wanna slip away for a while. I dont actually want any input I just want to exist.

I've been lying in my bed for like an hour just absently going through my phone.

I got super upset when my brother scared me by banging on my window (I had no idea what was going on bc it's super dark outside)

I kinda feel like crying but I have no good reason why to.

I'm depressed

Good afternoon and hello

Today's been pretty good, minus a few bumps here and there.

Today im out shopping with my mom. It's been good.

Today I really miss my ex, and everything makes me think of him. It doesn't hurt as much though, it's just a longing for him now. I miss him a lot.

Today im in the mood to explore again. I want to go out somewhere big or somewhere secluded and hear the sounds of the world and be an adventurer. I want to grow as a person and be the full me.

That's all

Hey Guys!!!

Im super stoked to announce i just finished filling a whole sketchbook! It took me about a year or more but it's finally complete. Im very proud of how much my work has grown!

That's all

<3,

queencake

Dang it's been a hard week.

I haven't been able to fall asleep easily recently because I've been crying myself to sleep thinking about him. I keep wishing he'll show up at my window like he did so so long ago or maybe call me or text me or something. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he doesn't love me anymore, and all of our good memories are being corrupted by an imaginary "new girlfriend". I've had two nightmares where he's involved, but instead of him leaving me he's still with me and someone else is trying to take me away.

I really want to just beg for him to take me back.

I wake up missing him so bad, and I fall into a trap of daydreaming that he's there and still loves me. It takes me a while to get up because I don't have the motivation to get out of bed and leave my daydreams behind. I don't wanna get up at all sometimes.

I keep hating myself because I know that wanting him back is a horrible thing for me to do now that he's getting better. I keep thinking that the people we used to hang out with only tolerated me because I was this little plus one that came with him. I'm starting to think I'm annoying, and that I bother people. I hate the fact that he would hurt himself over me, and I hate the fact that I was the one who made him hurt himself (indirectly, he said he liked the attention) while we were together. I hate that I was the one who was holding him back from getting better, and I hate that I still want to be with him.

I keep saying that I could bargain with him, that maybe if I was perfect, maybe if I forced myself not to depend on him and maybe if I forced myself to hold back the pda and maybe if I forced myself to be perfect for him he could take me back.

I don't even know if he wants me back anymore.

I'm super scared I'm going toget attached to someone like I did to him. I can't depend on anyone like I depended on him because that's unhealthy, so the only way to not do that is to not tell anyone about my feelings.

I need to stop getting so close to my friend just because I'm lonely. It's not good for me and it probably bothers him.

I really sometimes just wish I could go into like a coma or something, so I don't have to deal with life or deal with people or deal with missing him so bad. I luckily haven't hurt myself yet but I keep miming a bunch of bad actions, which is one of my warning signs. I don't know who to tell.

Ugh...... I just want my boyfriend back. I just want to kiss him again. I miss him so bad I would do literally anything to get him back.

Someone please help me.

I feel like I'm dying

Good morning friends!

I'm feeling pretty good today but i didn't sleep well again.

I still miss him really really bad. The thing that got me last night was that our one year anniversary is coming up tomorrow, and I really wish we were still together to celebrate that. Im also pretty upset that I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, which is probably a valid feeling. I really miss him and realize that he probably isn't gonna take me back, idk.

I was miming self harm again last night and scratching with my nails, and was really tempted to call my friend(I'll call him T) who said I could call him anytime, but then I realized something.

I can't call him or talk to him about that kind of stuff because I'm allready dependant on him. I broke the dependancy with my boyfriend but now ive just switched over to T and now I'm afraid that I can't reach out to anyone in case I become dependant on them. I'm helpless.

I got to pick up some fabric for a new project I'm starting soon so that was exciting.

I made a Christmas list and I'm super stoked for Christmas. I've allready got plans to get gifts for my friends so that's gonna be fun.

Other than that, nothing big has happened.

Bye

Good morning friends.

It's been an interesting couple of days.

Two nights ago I was up pretty late crying again, and my breakdown brain really wanted to stay up till past midnight because I wanted to call him on our one year anniversary (allthough I guess it's kinda irrelevant now) I really wanted to call him and beg him to take me back, but I knew that would be a bad idea. So instead I ended up calling T and we talked for about an hour before I fell asleep. We actually didn't talk much about what was bothering me which really helpful actually to distract me. I feel bad for keeping him up so late but I'm grateful he was there.

The day of our anniversary (yesterday) was actually good. I didn't think about him too much and actually had fun.

Last night I had several dreams/nightmares. One in particular that stands out was one about him. I was in some sort of p.e. class with him and a lot of my friends, and he was there. At some point he got behind me and hugged me by pulling me to him. I turned around and looked at him confused, but he acted like everything was normal and kept doing whatever we were doing. After the class I asked him why he did that, and he said something like he misses me and he missed my kisses and hugs. The dream ended there, but I really wish I had had the chance to kiss him or something. I really wish it was true. I still miss him a ton.

I got to see an old friend of mine yesterday at a choir practice, and (somewhat to my surprise) she was really nice to me and seemed to enjoy hanging out. When she was at my school, she kinda made me nervous because she was so popular and talented and beautiful and smart, so I allways just assumed she probably wouldn't like me very much. But we seemed to have fun together yesterday, she even asked for my number so we could talk! I'm glad I got to talk to her again.

It's a little early to assess today but I'm in a fairly good mood so far. I really kinda wish that I could do something though to get my relationship back, and seeing him at school is probably not going to help.

I'll keep you guys updated.

Bye

Hellooo everyone!

Today was a pretty good day.

I went to therapy today and got a cool tip I'm gonna try. It's called an urge wave playlist, where I will basically make a playlist of music to help myself wait out the urge to self harm. We'll see how that goes.

I had a pretty good day at school actually. I hung out with all my friends, got to dissect some lungs (sheep's lungs don't worry) and I talked to my ex a little bit.

Speaking of my ex, when we walked he told me some things. 1) he was missing me as much as I was missing him 2) he wanted me back 3) he wants to get back together in a little bit.

I'm putting some serious thought into this this time, because I want our relationship to be as healthy as possible, and I'm trying to figure out how to make us work. I have a good amount of time but I feel like I need to make a decision.

If any of you guys have any ideas on how to help me keep a healthy relationship with him, please let me know.

Our main issue was co-dependancy and trying to fix eachothers problems.

Thanks!

@Queencake2144

That playlist idea sounds great. :)

I wonder if either of you have any limits as to what you're willing to do for the other or expect from the other. Whether there are any situations where it feels like you're giving too much of yourself or doing something that you shouldn't. And whether the two of you see eye-to-eye on where those boundaries/limits are. (I don't have any specific ideas or thoughts. Just was thinking that in general maybe the two of you could pre-emptively discuss some of these things and reach an agreement on what you both want from one another and what feels like too much before it becomes a problem.)

Thanks, @frigidstars27

Your idea is really great. I was actually going to do that today! I was thinking rules would be really helpful, so I'll let you know how that goes!

Good morning friends

Today feels like it's gonna be interesting.

I'm having a bit of anxiety this morning, so my chest is hurting which is never fun. It's nothing specific I'm just stressed I think. I keep worrying about my hair or clothes or not speaking to someone, it's just little things.

I'm supposed to be getting a note from my ex/bf (I don't really know what we are anymore) I wrote him one yesterday with a bunch of questions because he said he wanted to get back together. I know that would mean a lot of rules and changes for us but I'd be willing to do it. I did have a lot of questions though, so I wrote to him and he said he would write back today. I'm somewhat trying to prep myself for dissapointment though, because I feel like he's gonna change his mind and say it was all just another dumb idea. I'll let you know how that goes.

There's standardized testing today again. I'm not really a fan of it but it's nothing too big. I think I did fairly well compared to most on my math one yesterday, allthough all of my friends blew me out of the water. (I'm friends with all the nerdy smart kids) I'm pretty confident on my English one though so that's no problem

I've gotta start working on Christmas gifts soon or I'm gonna have no time to do them all. I'm excited for Christmas.

Thats all, thanks for listening in.

Hello friends 👋

Sorry I haven't posted in a while it's just slipped my mind. There's been so much going on.

I'm a bit behind on school work and my parents are really getting at me to get it all done. Whenever they "remind" me it makes me feel kinda bad because I allready know I'm not doing good and I allready know I should be trying harder but it's so so difficult to get everything done and to remember everything and I don't know how to explain that to them.

Heads up: long rant about my ex ahead!

I'm so confused and kinda upset with the situation with my ex bf right now. I mentioned earlier that we were talking about getting back together and setting rules and getting better on our own. We were gonna hold off for a bit because I didn't think I was quite ready but everything was going good, then my parents or something (maybe his parents) found one of our notes and apparently his mom talked to him and pulled him away from me again. He's back to avoiding me and whatnot and I don't know what happened. There was a school dance on Saturday and suprise suprise he was there. It made it difficult (but not impossible) for me to have fun while he was there because he looked soooooo hot and he was dancing and singing and occasionally he would look at me and I could just tell that he wanted to get me back. We had a bunch of moments where we would get close, or be alone for a brief second in passing, and I so desperately wanted to hug him or something and I could tell he felt the same way but we didn't. Then, at the very end of the dance we were sitting at this small table and our friends were around, I playfully tapped his leg with my foot and then he did the same thing, but he didn't move his leg back. He was making intentional physical contact with me! I couldn't help myself and I started to gently rub his shin with my foot, but then he moved so I assumed it was too much. BUT THEN he went to rest his head on the table and he reached under the table (my hands were resting on my knees) and grabbed my hand. He was kinda holding it, allthough at the same time he was moving it to rub my fingers and feel my hand. I really didn't want him to let go. But we had to since the night was over. I don't know what he was thinking or feeling but I feel like this may mean he still wants me back. I have no idea what's going through his head.

I miss him though, and would take him back in a heartbeat at this point.

If I took him back I would be in so much trouble with my parents and that would be absolutely miserable.

I don't know what to do.

So guess who wants to stop existing! It's me.

I got my hopes up with my ex and he just broke them all again. I thought we were on the right path to getting back together and he was even getting physically close to me and then all a sudden last night he says it's better if we don't even talk about it anymore.

I'm so so mad and so so upset and I just want to give up and, well not die neciciarilly but just stop existing. Life yould be easier if I just didn't have to do anything or deal with any emotions.

I'm super mad at him too, but I still love him and it's tearing me apart. I wanna run back to him and make him see that I'm worth giving another shot.

I'm ready to give up.

I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning

I'm so done.

I'm doing alright today.

I was in a pretty good mood when I woke up and I'm hoping that that keeps up. I've got a bit of work to do today but I feel like it's gonna be okay. I'm in one of those bullet-journal, hot coco and plats mood which probably makes no sense to you but that's the only way I know how to explain it.

Nothing big today.

I'll keep you updated