Thought Spot (open to all)

Good morning friends.

It's been an interesting couple of days.

Two nights ago I was up pretty late crying again, and my breakdown brain really wanted to stay up till past midnight because I wanted to call him on our one year anniversary (allthough I guess it's kinda irrelevant now) I really wanted to call him and beg him to take me back, but I knew that would be a bad idea. So instead I ended up calling T and we talked for about an hour before I fell asleep. We actually didn't talk much about what was bothering me which really helpful actually to distract me. I feel bad for keeping him up so late but I'm grateful he was there.

The day of our anniversary (yesterday) was actually good. I didn't think about him too much and actually had fun.

Last night I had several dreams/nightmares. One in particular that stands out was one about him. I was in some sort of p.e. class with him and a lot of my friends, and he was there. At some point he got behind me and hugged me by pulling me to him. I turned around and looked at him confused, but he acted like everything was normal and kept doing whatever we were doing. After the class I asked him why he did that, and he said something like he misses me and he missed my kisses and hugs. The dream ended there, but I really wish I had had the chance to kiss him or something. I really wish it was true. I still miss him a ton.

I got to see an old friend of mine yesterday at a choir practice, and (somewhat to my surprise) she was really nice to me and seemed to enjoy hanging out. When she was at my school, she kinda made me nervous because she was so popular and talented and beautiful and smart, so I allways just assumed she probably wouldn't like me very much. But we seemed to have fun together yesterday, she even asked for my number so we could talk! I'm glad I got to talk to her again.

It's a little early to assess today but I'm in a fairly good mood so far. I really kinda wish that I could do something though to get my relationship back, and seeing him at school is probably not going to help.

I'll keep you guys updated.

Bye

Hellooo everyone!

Today was a pretty good day.

I went to therapy today and got a cool tip I'm gonna try. It's called an urge wave playlist, where I will basically make a playlist of music to help myself wait out the urge to self harm. We'll see how that goes.

I had a pretty good day at school actually. I hung out with all my friends, got to dissect some lungs (sheep's lungs don't worry) and I talked to my ex a little bit.

Speaking of my ex, when we walked he told me some things. 1) he was missing me as much as I was missing him 2) he wanted me back 3) he wants to get back together in a little bit.

I'm putting some serious thought into this this time, because I want our relationship to be as healthy as possible, and I'm trying to figure out how to make us work. I have a good amount of time but I feel like I need to make a decision.

If any of you guys have any ideas on how to help me keep a healthy relationship with him, please let me know.

Our main issue was co-dependancy and trying to fix eachothers problems.

Thanks!

Good morning friends

Today feels like it's gonna be interesting.

I'm having a bit of anxiety this morning, so my chest is hurting which is never fun. It's nothing specific I'm just stressed I think. I keep worrying about my hair or clothes or not speaking to someone, it's just little things.

I'm supposed to be getting a note from my ex/bf (I don't really know what we are anymore) I wrote him one yesterday with a bunch of questions because he said he wanted to get back together. I know that would mean a lot of rules and changes for us but I'd be willing to do it. I did have a lot of questions though, so I wrote to him and he said he would write back today. I'm somewhat trying to prep myself for dissapointment though, because I feel like he's gonna change his mind and say it was all just another dumb idea. I'll let you know how that goes.

There's standardized testing today again. I'm not really a fan of it but it's nothing too big. I think I did fairly well compared to most on my math one yesterday, allthough all of my friends blew me out of the water. (I'm friends with all the nerdy smart kids) I'm pretty confident on my English one though so that's no problem

I've gotta start working on Christmas gifts soon or I'm gonna have no time to do them all. I'm excited for Christmas.

Thats all, thanks for listening in.

Hello friends 👋

Sorry I haven't posted in a while it's just slipped my mind. There's been so much going on.

I'm a bit behind on school work and my parents are really getting at me to get it all done. Whenever they "remind" me it makes me feel kinda bad because I allready know I'm not doing good and I allready know I should be trying harder but it's so so difficult to get everything done and to remember everything and I don't know how to explain that to them.

Heads up: long rant about my ex ahead!

I'm so confused and kinda upset with the situation with my ex bf right now. I mentioned earlier that we were talking about getting back together and setting rules and getting better on our own. We were gonna hold off for a bit because I didn't think I was quite ready but everything was going good, then my parents or something (maybe his parents) found one of our notes and apparently his mom talked to him and pulled him away from me again. He's back to avoiding me and whatnot and I don't know what happened. There was a school dance on Saturday and suprise suprise he was there. It made it difficult (but not impossible) for me to have fun while he was there because he looked soooooo hot and he was dancing and singing and occasionally he would look at me and I could just tell that he wanted to get me back. We had a bunch of moments where we would get close, or be alone for a brief second in passing, and I so desperately wanted to hug him or something and I could tell he felt the same way but we didn't. Then, at the very end of the dance we were sitting at this small table and our friends were around, I playfully tapped his leg with my foot and then he did the same thing, but he didn't move his leg back. He was making intentional physical contact with me! I couldn't help myself and I started to gently rub his shin with my foot, but then he moved so I assumed it was too much. BUT THEN he went to rest his head on the table and he reached under the table (my hands were resting on my knees) and grabbed my hand. He was kinda holding it, allthough at the same time he was moving it to rub my fingers and feel my hand. I really didn't want him to let go. But we had to since the night was over. I don't know what he was thinking or feeling but I feel like this may mean he still wants me back. I have no idea what's going through his head.

I miss him though, and would take him back in a heartbeat at this point.

If I took him back I would be in so much trouble with my parents and that would be absolutely miserable.

I don't know what to do.

So guess who wants to stop existing! It's me.

I got my hopes up with my ex and he just broke them all again. I thought we were on the right path to getting back together and he was even getting physically close to me and then all a sudden last night he says it's better if we don't even talk about it anymore.

I'm so so mad and so so upset and I just want to give up and, well not die neciciarilly but just stop existing. Life yould be easier if I just didn't have to do anything or deal with any emotions.

I'm super mad at him too, but I still love him and it's tearing me apart. I wanna run back to him and make him see that I'm worth giving another shot.

I'm ready to give up.

I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning

I'm so done.

I'm doing alright today.

I was in a pretty good mood when I woke up and I'm hoping that that keeps up. I've got a bit of work to do today but I feel like it's gonna be okay. I'm in one of those bullet-journal, hot coco and plats mood which probably makes no sense to you but that's the only way I know how to explain it.

Nothing big today.

I'll keep you updated