The only thing left is memories (Ape's diary, no peaking)

Today isnt my favorite day (it could be I guess, I'm just not trying hard enough...)

First of all , I get yelled at by mom who insisted that I could never change...)

Then, I just couldn't believe it, but I lost it yet again in Sitwa's office. People say just have positive attitude, have faith and keep on working and then we are going to make it, but I think in my case...I needs to sleep now I guess(its half past 2...I needs sleep, but sleep don't needs me and those nightmares, whats the point?)

Mom says the day before yesterday that she wants to be the final for emotions...reminded me of me oldself....

Sitwa says treat fear like a friend, like this is easy...

Apeatrice

Yesterday was kinda awful...

Oh ok, there are ups like how the sun has comed out after days of overcast and rain. And how I have cleaned dad's office and now it looks simply stunning. And how , for the first time in a long time , I felt like a kid. Looking at a sunset and feel like normal. How I realized that human are animals and that the desire to live is never a sin....

But there was so much on my agenda that when evening fell and it was time for me to cook, I have to do it with little jester in arms. Mom come home and yelled at me for that, she said I 'm not treating life the respect and care they deserves; just like my uncle.

Was sacrificing one person while trying to keep some people you loved aliveis a selfish thing to do?

When have you ever treated me like a human , mother?

Do you remember those days where you sit on me on the ground? The times where you said I don't deserve food?

Don't look back on the past, forgive, always forgive everything. But ....shouldn't there be something you should speak for yourself? Shouldn't there be a limit of how much others can hurt you?

"God, will you keep her safe when there's a storm.

when the day is cold , will you keep her warm.

When darkness fell, will you keep showing her the way.

Will you let her know that when life is sour and there's no one there , that she's not alone.

Just close her eyes and know that my heart is beating with her."

I can't find my real diary. Where is it?😭

@LoveMyMoonflowers

Hugssssssss sweet heart🫂, thank you for staying with me and upvoting my journals. You are the best.😀

I 'm kinda upset, nevertheless the support and the feeling of not being alone, I wants this thread to be a private place for me😔. Could you please stop peaking in my diaries. 

Love you, lots of hugs and strength to you.

💙♡

Yesterday was.... lets say I'm grateful. I'm kinda freaking out rn (true, the fear is only in my head and its probably not going to happen, just like Sitwa had so gently reminded me, but still...)

First mom was in a bad mood when she got to bed last night, she said that it isn't along term solution (since Jester had been born, I've been busy taking care of the baby and the house, cleaning,cooking laundry . And has little time to study...),I'm freaking out because , every time she said something like that, she's always got some changes for me or something new tadk for me.

And the second reason for me to be freaking out is, there are no bottle water for the baby : I had reminded mom of that, and so has Claire, but I don't  think mom has heard us. I 'm scared , what if mom only remember that there's no water in midnight and she's gonna be in a bad mood this morning?

I can't access the Bible study website this morning, guess I had reached a limit of free access... Where could I go for bible study everyday day now? I know it is probably unpredent to have religion glish your parents approval, but having faith somehow makes life easier form'mme...

I just can't wait to get the weak over with...

Mom also criticized me for chewing gun... I ate them when I 'm stressed out (abt to go mental to be excat.) Or abt to relapse. She said I do it because it makes look fashionable "cool " as she thad put it in her chinglish. Really, seriously? I 'm trying to stay clean and everyone is making things harder for me, sometimes, I think we all should treat each other like strangers in adversaries. We are all in great hardships , so lets treat each other with understanding and kindness. We are strangers, because there are so many things that wr don't know each other abt...

😮‍💨 really? Seriously, like I haven't got enough on my plate already.

I lost it last night....did I ever mention that mom changes the arrangement of our furniture every 24 hours? Actually I change it while she make the decision. I was so tired (both mentally and physically) after ....everything, after having cut my hand by the curtain holder while taking it off (mom's idea ofc) after moving those bookshelves....I was so angry that I know if I speak, I would word irony and probably yell, so I hold my tongue and stay silent.

However, its all my fault, I should have tried breathing and sleep but instead I open the tablet and...kate lost it...

I have no idea how to tell (or maybe admit to) Sitwa that I have hallucination, couldn't tell reality apart from day dreams, could hear my favorite song while in reality there's only silence(its a telant lol)

And those dreams...

Last night I was on righ alert...the memories with my Godfather popped up. When I closed my eyes, I sew a cloth jester wear, but it was empty and in mild air....those dreams are creapy but they don't makes any sense....fruit and your f just don't go making sense together (lol)

😮‍💨

.....

Maybe I should simply take the day easy (academic yes, chores no I still got hundreds of books to move back to the shelves) its Sunday after all, and after last night...I'm afraid that kate is going to pop up any second now, shes mean, negative minded and depressed, straight forward and dangerous (both to our body and to others)

....

Mom is in a really bad mood this morning...

I know I probably shouldn't be counting the owls before they arrives, still.... I 'm counting the second till she blows...

Today is Sunday, the last day of this week;tomorrow Anna will be back in kindergarten where she's safe. I guess I should hold on to a positive attitude and letting the future take care of itself. After all ;anxiety does not change the course of the river we called life.

So congratulations,its midnight,and I'm not sleeping(emoing again...)