The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲
Hello! You can call me Spruce. I just discovered this interesting diary entry section of 7 Cups, and this is something I’ve been looking for. I need a place where I can spill out all of my thoughts without criticism, and that’s not something I can really rely on through 1:1 chats (even though I haven’t been here for that long, it’s my upfront impression).
I would prefer to keep this as a space for myself, but if anyone would like to send supportive comments for my post, just dive right in! I don’t mind at all 😊
So for anyone who may be reading this, there may be some rough topics such as family stress, severe self-hate, and some pretty graphic flashbacks (but not too graphic). I will try my best not to make this an inappropriate space, but I just wanted to give a heads up just it case it starts getting to that point.
Donuts are in full supply at all times, so feel free to grab a snack when you travel by 😊 And feel free to greet me when you’re here - I absolutely love meeting new people, and I want to build my support group here on 7 Cups ❤️
Precious Feelings
My heart swells great,
A smile breaks through,
When I'm with you.
Shrouded with darkness,
Shadows of the night,
Life trudged on,
No glimpse of feeling.
But life has changed,
Like the bloom of a flower,
Delicate, yet wondrous.
Unfamiliar feelings surfaced,
I discovered part of me,
That we masked by the shadow,
Emerged out of nothingness.
How do I explain this feeling?
This warm feeling...
Like the sugar of my soul,
Fulfilling my wishes,
Of happiness and love.
Can this feeling last for ever?
Or will the sand in the hourglass,
Dissipate in time?
I said I wouldn't be on too much...but that's not really happening 😔
And I'm not doing anything productive on here...I'm just staring at the screen a majority of the time listening to my mood music. Why do I have to feel this way?.. 😖
I've been feeling so low for such a long time...will I ever snap out of this? If this happens when I go back to school in-person... 🥲 I'll be literally doomed...
Shut up, pessimistic me 😭 Why do you have to take over now, when I have to prepare for my team meeting...can't you just wait until the weekend...please?.. 🥺
*hides in my corner* 🥺 ...
@selflessSpruce1515 *sits with you* Hey :) hope you don't mind and I don't mean to fuel any thing with you being here but maybe right now being here's not so bad? I mean it's a place for support and if you need support then maybe it's ok? Idk - it's just a thought
Take a few deep breaths ok? You got this - you can do this. I believe in you ❤
@mytwistedsoul
My thoughts are just confusing me, I guess.. But yeah, I guess I just needed to be on here, even though I'm not really doing anything.. *hugs* ❤️
I haven't felt this way for so long, and it caught me off guard. All the negatives just started rolling in like a cloud, and just as my pfp shows, it kind of feels like I'm drowning in pessimism :') I guess I just needed to hear that someone cared (even though I know people do.. I just need that remind every once in a while, it seems)
I appreciate you sitting with me, Soul 🥺 It really means a lot ❤️
@selflessSpruce1515 I have days like that too. One word or thought can be all it takes. And all the bad stuff comes swooping in. Alot of times I think it's because the groundwork for those kinds of things have been laid by others. And try as we might to push them away - they just seem to dig in deeper. It does help to get affirmations and reminders from outside people - because it's not easy to do on our own all the time
*offers a safe hug* no pressure though ok?
@mytwistedsoul
*hugs* Thank you for being so supportive. ❤️
Haha, and the irony is that I’m always the one giving affirmations and reminders. The problem is that I don’t really give them myself too much, and you’re right that they’re definitely not easy to do. Sometimes we just gotta step back and give ourselves some love too. ❤️
@selflessSpruce1515 Those are very very wise words 🙂 We do need to give ourselves love. You wouldn't think it would be so difficult but its hard to put those reminders and affirmations in place for ourselves. I am so bad it for myself but not as bad as I used to be. I was allways like - nah those words don't apply to me. Now - I think Maybe lol Maybe it's like learning through osmosis? By being supportive and kind to others we learn to be supportive and kind to ourselves ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I couldn’t agree more! And that’s part of what drew me to this site - how whole and wonderful it makes us feel to be there for one another, and learn more about ourselves in the process. It’s kind of the microcosm of an ideal and mutual friendship that is difficult to accomplish in the real world. ❤️
@selflessSpruce1515 *looks around* what is this real world you speak of? 🙂 Seriously - I whole heartedly agree. In all honesty - I've had some pretty bad experiences here with trolls and I've made a few enemies here too 😞 I thought about leaving and have left so many times I lost count. There's alot of good people here and if helping them helps us then that's a good thing ❤
Hopefully pessimism has taken a seat in a different corner and has given you a well deserved break
@mytwistedsoul
Haha, well that's true - I also don't know what I mean by "the real world," and every place has their trolls and bullies 😔 But, like you said, there are definitely a lot of wonderful people here, and you gotta keep searching for them, and not get blinded by the negative hooman beans in this world ❤️
And I hope so too, to be honest 🥲 But I literally just vented in pm's to a very close listener friend, so I actually feel a lot better for now 😀 Thank you ❤️❤️
@selflessSpruce1515 You're welcome ❤ I'm glad you're feeling better 😊
*hands you jellybeans and a lion tamer chair* just in case pessimism gets any ideas 😉
*big hug* be gentle with yourself
^ So true...I, for one, can agree that no matter how much we want things to go back to the way they were before, it's rarely possible. But by searching for the better times, letting go of the bad times, and surrounding yourself with people you love, you can overcome anything. 😌 ❤️
The chorus of this song just made my day, I gotta say. It's songs like these that keep me going (I'm not joking - they really give me a purpose and tell me not to let toxic people and experience bring me down ❤️)
----
"Your words don't mean a thing
I'm not listening
Keep talking, all I know is
Mama told me not to waste my life
She said, "Spread your wings, my little butterfly"
Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And they can't detain you
'Cause wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say, it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly"
~ "Wings" by Little Mix
(It also reminded me of the precious angelic sister in my life - @Angelx28 💕)
Alrighty, it's time to write another entry :')
----
So today...was a pretty messed up day overall, I have to admit. I barely did anything productive, so I was forced to bear witness to my negative thoughts, once again. I guess I'm kind of to blame for that, since I should have been able to distract myself from those thoughts...it's not the first time they tried to roll in, but if I just had the motivation...well, I shouldn't dwell too much on what happened. Anyways, I don't need to go into too much detail when it comes to my flashbacks (I already bombarded an amazing listener with the details, and I don't think I need to experience the heavy emotions again...it was already a bit much).
I had my team meeting today...and I wasn't able to present anything because I didn't even bring myself to get my work computer and do any of the work I was supposed to. Luckily, my teammates are pretty understanding, but...I just feel awful. If I can just control what comes into my head and not space out when I have to do something productive, none of this would have happened. Who am I kidding, I shouldn't be blaming myself though – I mean, I can't really help thinking back to my past...it's a part of me, and I can't erase what has happened. Buttttt, it's almost May...April was a pretty bad month for me (as I expected), but please please pleaseeeeee let May be a good month. I don't want to have to go through all of this again. I need to be able to focus on my schoolwork and my project...not keep going through the cycle of remembering, sulking, spacing out, and repeat — it's not a good way to spend my days.
Well, speaking of May, it is going to be a little more than two months until my birthday. I mean, I know people tend to look forward to it, but...well, a lot of not-so-great things have happened on my birthday, so my birthday is also a grieving day for me. Plus, I never really formally celebrated my birthday, at least not since I was 6 or 7. I honestly don't even know why my mind shifted to my birthday all of a sudden, and let's just move on from that... 😀
But anyways, again, I really hope that May will be a better month for me emotionally. And, as I do with every month, I will try to make May into a clean slate for me. I'm going to work more on managing my emotions and trying not to let the rocky relationship with my parents get to me. That's really important, especially when I go back to school in-person next year. When I was in 9th grade, I mean, things weren't really *so* bad at home, but after the pandemic, things can change big time. I need to get my head straight and really focus during my junior year – with applying to colleges, PSATs, SATs, APs, and the heavy school schedule that I will have to work through, it'll be a lot.
But I got this – I can work through it, because the one thing that I learned from this pandemic experience is that I actually have resilience and motivation. I just need to reach inside myself and find it again, because I've been feeling so lost...but I'm sure I'll be successful in accomplishing that goal. ❤️
Wow, that was a lot to write...but I know I needed to. Having this ritual has really helped me think through my thoughts, and every self-affirmation and reminder that I tell myself can make such a difference when I write it down. So woo-hoo, me! 🤗
----
That's the end of my entry! That went surprisingly better than I expected, so that's good. 😛
Just as a heads up, I won't really be on cups this weekend, so if you don't see me as much as usual, don't be alarmed. ❤️ As always, thanks for reading, and love ya all so so soooooo super duper mucho 🤗 ❤️
See ya next week! 😊 ❤️
@selflessSpruce1515 I can see you are trying your best to not let the thoughts or how you feel drag you down, that's something that takes so much strength <3 It is completely okay to let go sometimes, okay to say it's too heavy to hold, it's okay to fall cause that's how we grow, that's how the heart gets stronger. I hope you are allowing yourself to exhale.
Birthdays are bittersweet, sometimes just bitter, sometimes tainted by memories or people. They hold whatever meaning we give them and it can just be a normal day if that's what makes our heart feel okay ^^ We celebrate our existence everyday.
You sure got this, everything you need is already within you.
@BlueDarkAurora
Hey hey, Aurora! I've seem you around the forums quite a bit, and I'm glad that you dropped my by grove. Welcome, and make yourself comfy, of course! 🤗 ❤️
Thank you so much for your super kind words, and hearing that you think of me as strong despite the challenges I'm facing and the memories that keep on rolling in- it really makes such a difference, and it means sooooo much. ❤️
And you're totally right! Every day is a day to celebrate our existence, and even though my birthday isn't my favorite day, it is important to stay positive and strong always. ❤️❤️
Thank you again for sending me such a kind message, and I hope to see you around more often! 😊
@selflessSpruce1515 Aw <3 you are so sweet ^-^ thank you, I'll be around.
Omg, I love this song sooooo macho ❤️❤️❤️
Okay, I know it’s two in one day, but this song is soooooooooo beautiful, and it’s actually my favorite song. ❤️ (I just kept forgetting to share it, of course 😀)
It’s entry timeeeeeeee 😀😀😀
———
Today wasn’t as bad as I anticipated, but it still felt like a usual weekend :/ I had to deal with my parents just about the whole day, but I tried to be on my iPad most of the day so I would have to be involved in any arguments or confrontations. :’) That was actually more successful than usual, so that was good.. 😀
I was feeling pretty mellow (and maybe a bit numb too :/), so it was good to get a break from my emotional rollercoaster ride. 😀 Gotta get a break from your emotions too every once in a while, I like to say 🥲
The weather was soooooooo awesome today, so I went in an extra long walk around my neighborhood. 😛 I actually have this extra special sense when it comes to nature, so I heard the lovely cheers of the birds, and the flowers and trees were pleased with the pleasant weather as well. 😌 🌸 🌲 And yayyyy, there were more cherry blossoms in bloom, which made me extra happy, as they are my favorite flowers. 🌸❤️
Welp, the one thing I’m hoping is that I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Ever since that insomnia episode around a week ago, I’ve actually been afraid to close my eyes. :’) With all the negative thoughts that resurfaced, I’m scared that they will come back in the form of nightmares…I don’t think I can handle any more of them 🥲 But I just gotta pray that won’t happen - even though I can’t control the thoughts, that doesn’t mean I’ll stop hoping that they won’t take over 🙏
———
I’ll stop at this point, since I’m actually feeling pretty tired 😮 (that should be good, right?) Have a goodnight, everyone, and talk to you all tomorrow! ❤️
