The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

Precious Feelings

My heart swells great,

A smile breaks through,

When I'm with you.

Shrouded with darkness,

Shadows of the night,

Life trudged on,

No glimpse of feeling.

But life has changed,

Like the bloom of a flower,

Delicate, yet wondrous.

Unfamiliar feelings surfaced,

I discovered part of me,

That we masked by the shadow,

Emerged out of nothingness.

How do I explain this feeling?

This warm feeling...

Like the sugar of my soul,

Fulfilling my wishes,

Of happiness and love.

Can this feeling last for ever?

Or will the sand in the hourglass,

Dissipate in time?

I can relate to this song soooooooo much, it's beautiful 🤗 ❤️

I said I wouldn't be on too much...but that's not really happening 😔

And I'm not doing anything productive on here...I'm just staring at the screen a majority of the time listening to my mood music. Why do I have to feel this way?.. 😖

I've been feeling so low for such a long time...will I ever snap out of this? If this happens when I go back to school in-person... 🥲 I'll be literally doomed...

Shut up, pessimistic me 😭 Why do you have to take over now, when I have to prepare for my team meeting...can't you just wait until the weekend...please?.. 🥺

*hides in my corner* 🥺 ...

@selflessSpruce1515 *looks around* what is this real world you speak of? 🙂 Seriously - I whole heartedly agree. In all honesty - I've had some pretty bad experiences here with trolls and I've made a few enemies here too 😞 I thought about leaving and have left so many times I lost count. There's alot of good people here and if helping them helps us then that's a good thing ❤

Hopefully pessimism has taken a seat in a different corner and has given you a well deserved break

^ So true...I, for one, can agree that no matter how much we want things to go back to the way they were before, it's rarely possible. But by searching for the better times, letting go of the bad times, and surrounding yourself with people you love, you can overcome anything. 😌 ❤️

The chorus of this song just made my day, I gotta say. It's songs like these that keep me going (I'm not joking - they really give me a purpose and tell me not to let toxic people and experience bring me down ❤️)

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"Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know is

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said, "Spread your wings, my little butterfly"

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And they can't detain you

'Cause wings are made to fly

And we don't let nobody bring us down

No matter what you say, it won't hurt me

Don't matter if I fall from the sky

These wings are made to fly"

~ "Wings" by Little Mix

(It also reminded me of the precious angelic sister in my life - @Angelx28 💕)

Alrighty, it's time to write another entry :')

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So today...was a pretty messed up day overall, I have to admit. I barely did anything productive, so I was forced to bear witness to my negative thoughts, once again. I guess I'm kind of to blame for that, since I should have been able to distract myself from those thoughts...it's not the first time they tried to roll in, but if I just had the motivation...well, I shouldn't dwell too much on what happened. Anyways, I don't need to go into too much detail when it comes to my flashbacks (I already bombarded an amazing listener with the details, and I don't think I need to experience the heavy emotions again...it was already a bit much).

I had my team meeting today...and I wasn't able to present anything because I didn't even bring myself to get my work computer and do any of the work I was supposed to. Luckily, my teammates are pretty understanding, but...I just feel awful. If I can just control what comes into my head and not space out when I have to do something productive, none of this would have happened. Who am I kidding, I shouldn't be blaming myself though – I mean, I can't really help thinking back to my past...it's a part of me, and I can't erase what has happened. Buttttt, it's almost May...April was a pretty bad month for me (as I expected), but please please pleaseeeeee let May be a good month. I don't want to have to go through all of this again. I need to be able to focus on my schoolwork and my project...not keep going through the cycle of remembering, sulking, spacing out, and repeat — it's not a good way to spend my days.

Well, speaking of May, it is going to be a little more than two months until my birthday. I mean, I know people tend to look forward to it, but...well, a lot of not-so-great things have happened on my birthday, so my birthday is also a grieving day for me. Plus, I never really formally celebrated my birthday, at least not since I was 6 or 7. I honestly don't even know why my mind shifted to my birthday all of a sudden, and let's just move on from that... 😀

But anyways, again, I really hope that May will be a better month for me emotionally. And, as I do with every month, I will try to make May into a clean slate for me. I'm going to work more on managing my emotions and trying not to let the rocky relationship with my parents get to me. That's really important, especially when I go back to school in-person next year. When I was in 9th grade, I mean, things weren't really *so* bad at home, but after the pandemic, things can change big time. I need to get my head straight and really focus during my junior year – with applying to colleges, PSATs, SATs, APs, and the heavy school schedule that I will have to work through, it'll be a lot.

But I got this – I can work through it, because the one thing that I learned from this pandemic experience is that I actually have resilience and motivation. I just need to reach inside myself and find it again, because I've been feeling so lost...but I'm sure I'll be successful in accomplishing that goal. ❤️

Wow, that was a lot to write...but I know I needed to. Having this ritual has really helped me think through my thoughts, and every self-affirmation and reminder that I tell myself can make such a difference when I write it down. So woo-hoo, me! 🤗

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That's the end of my entry! That went surprisingly better than I expected, so that's good. 😛

Just as a heads up, I won't really be on cups this weekend, so if you don't see me as much as usual, don't be alarmed. ❤️ As always, thanks for reading, and love ya all so so soooooo super duper mucho 🤗 ❤️

See ya next week! 😊 ❤️

Omg, I love this song sooooo macho ❤️❤️❤️

Okay, I know it’s two in one day, but this song is soooooooooo beautiful, and it’s actually my favorite song. ❤️ (I just kept forgetting to share it, of course 😀)

It’s entry timeeeeeeee 😀😀😀

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Today wasn’t as bad as I anticipated, but it still felt like a usual weekend :/ I had to deal with my parents just about the whole day, but I tried to be on my iPad most of the day so I would have to be involved in any arguments or confrontations. :’) That was actually more successful than usual, so that was good.. 😀

I was feeling pretty mellow (and maybe a bit numb too :/), so it was good to get a break from my emotional rollercoaster ride. 😀 Gotta get a break from your emotions too every once in a while, I like to say 🥲

The weather was soooooooo awesome today, so I went in an extra long walk around my neighborhood. 😛 I actually have this extra special sense when it comes to nature, so I heard the lovely cheers of the birds, and the flowers and trees were pleased with the pleasant weather as well. 😌 🌸 🌲 And yayyyy, there were more cherry blossoms in bloom, which made me extra happy, as they are my favorite flowers. 🌸❤️

Welp, the one thing I’m hoping is that I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Ever since that insomnia episode around a week ago, I’ve actually been afraid to close my eyes. :’) With all the negative thoughts that resurfaced, I’m scared that they will come back in the form of nightmares…I don’t think I can handle any more of them 🥲 But I just gotta pray that won’t happen - even though I can’t control the thoughts, that doesn’t mean I’ll stop hoping that they won’t take over 🙏

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I’ll stop at this point, since I’m actually feeling pretty tired 😮 (that should be good, right?) Have a goodnight, everyone, and talk to you all tomorrow! ❤️