• I want to be healthy/fit again.
• I want to go back into doing hobbies.
• I want to have a healthy and strong bond with both my son and significant other.
• I want to be able to have a career that I'm proud of AND allows me to support my family.
• I want to move away from this city...no state...or possibly country OR continent, and start a new life! But we shall see.

General Life Update: Went to the Hospital

Feeling excited albeit slightly anxious about the referral for behavioural therapy for my depression/PTSD. I saw a doctor the other day, and he wanted to prescribe me some meds for my depression, but I do not want to take anything yet without full discloser on what the meds do, as well as get my physical pain assessed first... 

I think the chronic pain I've been experiencing has been making the depression worse.

Career/Work: Dream Job

To be honest...I think my true "dream job" is to either have a lot of money saved up and never having to work again while spending time with my nuclear family (son and significant other) while doing hobbies, to freelance and make stable income, or to make passive income through real-estate.

I mentioned in a prior journal that I changed my job due to a toxic environment and...I'm excited to do the real-estate classes, but also in the back of my head, I'm curious if this is something that will work out long term.

I tend to job from job to job, and move around from town to city, state to state, and eventually wanted to move out of the country/continent to somewhere completely different...that would be nice.

Hobbies/Interests/Goals:

My current (small) goal is to keep this house organized and clean...I haven't been as productive as I would like to be. I feel a clean/organized house helps a chaotic mind like mine...I'm always stressed and worried about stuff, but I feel if I take the steps to keep the house clean and organized, it will help realize some of that stress.

As far as hobbies go...No real update there. Just been watching fun lil indie animation videos, such as The Amazing Digital Circus and recently a new Ena video along with some other animation channels.

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care:

I think I mentioned this, but I've been gaining (healthy) weight after being underweight for a long time! I feel happy about that! I still need to take some steps to workout and build muscle.

Relationships:

:: Familial ::

I don't really talk about this topic much in person because I'm burnout but...I'm basically family-less and now I feel...kind of OK? I grew up in a dysfunctional household filled with verbal and physical abuse, along with SA from my mother... My relatives also have similar or the same abusive tendencies and mindsets, so I avoid talking to them. I've tried in the past to mend some relationships but the older I become, the more I think it's better that I leave it alone and live my own life.

:: Platonic ::

At the moment, I don't really have any friends. At most I have acquaintances, but that's it. I'm no longer in the mood to make or keep friends. It takes a lot of energy, time, and effort. If it happens, it happens. I no longer want to be the initiator or push towards any friendships. It's tiring. 

:: Romantic ::

Things have been good between my significant other and I for the most part. We've had small disagreements here and there, but we always make up and discuss our feelings, so it's nice. He's been an amazing partner. The only thing I wish I could help with is his depression, PTSD, etc etc. I know how it feels, because I also have it. I just wish I could make him feel better, but at the same time, I know how it is to feel those things, and it's definitely not an overnight feeling... It takes time to heal from.

Social:

I'm finding myself to be less and less social these days...I need a break from the world. I even purposely only go outside when there's the least amount of people, so that's either extreme early morning or extreme late evenings to avoid running into people. I can't help but feel avoidant, especially in this particular city and considering the experiences I've had with people here so far...Makes me want to avoid everyone.

:: Digital Detox ::

I want to digitally detox and wipe a few accounts I have online.
I'm pretty much anonymous on all of the websites but...I prefer to not have my info spread around like that, so going to start deleting inactive accounts and scrub them.

Miscellaneous:

Lately, I have been wanting to do a complete 180 and turn my life around...I want to live healthier. I want to spend more quality time with little one and ensure he is content, safe, healthy, and educated. I have been wanting to do more hobbies and travel more. I want to start living in an actual HOUSE instead of an apartment. I feel like I'm missing out on life a lot more recently...Like certain events that happened in my life keep setting me back. I want to keep moving forward. I'm slowly starting to get to where I want to be, but it's time consuming... 
 

General Life Update

I've thought about making daily journal entries, in order to get back into the habit of writing and improve my English! There's not really any major updates other than I have court this Friday for a traffic ticket...(it's a long story). Slightly anxious about it, but also just want to get it over with.
I've also been holding off on doing a deep clean for the house...Since it's extremely early in the morning currently and I have some energy, I'm thinking of cleaning a big chunk while I can. Then resting after.

Physically, have not been feeling well. In constant pain that I take pain relievers and have been taking MJ edibles (even though I kind of want to detox from it...eventually...).

Career/Work

I can't help but feel a bit of anger after leaving my last job. I really need to calm my mind and focus on the new job. I mentioned in prior, I believe, that I'm going to take classes for the real estate license. The books should come in the mail sometime this Thursday! I'm excited! I'm going to study hard and hopefully I can start the job ASAP.

I'm hoping everything goes well for this job. My pain has been coming back lately and...if it really gets bad...I'll see what the physical therapist says and also seek a new doctor who takes my concern more seriously.

Hobbies/Interests/Goals

I've ended up going back into videogames... I quit for a while, but after dating my current partner, I got back into playing it. I think similar to him, he quit for a bit and started gaming again.

Playing videogames is like a love-hate relationship...I feel like I could be doing something more productive, but alas, I decide to game instead...

::Goals::

• Keeping the house clean, organized, and clutter-free!
• To obtain my real estate license and start working ASAP!
• To finish paying off the traffic ticket.
• Save money up to rent a house/duplex rather than an apartment....Tired of apartment living.
• Quit ALL of my vices...eventually. 

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care

I haven't really been getting any good sleep lately like I should be... I've started cooking more, which is good as well as eating more. Prior to that, I was quite underweight, but now I'm back to a healthier weight. I would like to get back into working out, but going to physical therapy first to see what my limits are now...

I feel like I need to start shaping up again. I'm not being as responsible as I should or could be. I want to work harder towards my goals.

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial)

I recently submitted an application for Child Support (finally), since my abusive (alcoholic) ex-fiancé has been out of the picture and many people have been telling me I should've done so a long time ago...He almost deleted my existence from this world, so it's the least he could do.

I'm hoping that once I get that going and pay off the traffic ticket that by next year, I can move in with my current partner. I'm going to refuse to move in until I'm more stable (career-wise) and can better support my partner. I love him dearly, but I also need to take the relationship a bit slower.
I'm used to being a spouse with my ex-fiancé, that I need to get used to just being significant others stage.

I call him my partner rather than BF since I'm a bit...older and I also see partner as a more serious term, but also for someone who isn't (legally) married to their significant other.

::Romantic::

Everything has been fine with partner. I'm trying to be more mindful of his time though. He tends to stay up late, because I have insomnia and he doesn't want me to feel alone. We're currently long distance, so we end up talking for hours on the phone, until he's able to come over for the weekend.

He has classes coming up for a field he's looking to get into as well. Both of our classes will probably take us a month until we're licensed and able to start a job in the field.

As mentioned prior, I guess when we're both stable, we will look into living together.
I feel I am not 100% ready yet, until I have a stable career and am capable of taking better care of my health (ex. Keeping the house clean, eating/cooking more often, working out, and sleeping a regular schedule). I know it will take time but...I want to be able to offer a more stable, supportive, and better version of myself for my partner.

He's been supporting me financially, and I worry he will end up resenting me. He mentioned that he doesn't mind, and that if I ever wanted to, I could be a stay-at-home mother but...I'm not ready for that yet. I want to have a career and be able to support my family (son and partner) for a while and make sure everyone is OK.

::Familial - Intermediate Family/Relatives::

In terms of familial, I've cut ALL contact with ALL family. I recently received a notification though, from my younger brother and mother. I didn't respond to my mother, and as for younger brother... it was a notification to send "spot-me" money. Basically, it costs nothing to send a "spot-me" to other members who use the same bank. "Spotting" allows the bank member to not be penalized when they overdraft, and you can send a "spot-me" to increase their limit...I sent one back to younger brother but said nothing to him. I'm thinking I shouldn't engage at all since I'm no contact...

::Familial - Nuclear Family (Son & Partner) ::

Every since my son has been in speech therapy and ever since I've quit my toxic job and have been picking up the little one earlier, he has been doing better in school. I feel very proud of him and happy. Eventually, when I get a stable career, I want to put him in educational programs, as he seems to have a knack for math and reading. I also want to put him in sports/fitness along with creative hobbies such as art, music, dance, etc and see what he ends up liking. I want to enroll him in multiple things (maybe a few things per season) to see what sticks and what he's interested in.

I want to be there for my son as much as I can and help him be as successful, content, safe, and healthy as possible.

Same goes towards my partner. I want to be the best partner I can be for him. I'm going to keep trying my best! Wish me luck!

Social 

I haven't really gone out of my house ever since I quit my job about a week ago. I feel OK for the most part but slightly salty as I mentioned in the above...I just needed to let the anger all out.

I'm thinking of forcing myself to be social, but with small steps at a time. I'm definitely social online, albeit, anonymously, however, I might force myself to do small interactions everyday, not sure yet. I just don't...really feel ready to make friends again for the time being.

Whenever I go out, I end up getting hit on by both men and women, and really...Just want to be left alone. I'm thinking of buying promise rings or something to show I'm taken. I don't really go out, unless my partner is around, because I feel much safer that way. 

Miscellaneous 

I'm thinking of starting "Project Imp", which is basically me trying to improve and turn my life around. I'll try and journal more often too, to help process my thoughts/emotions. I love coming to 7cups to find others who can relate to what I've gone through...It's helpful. I might frequent a couple of other forums that pertain to certain topics I would like to discuss or delve in, perhaps even receive advice/tips on stuff as well. We shall see...

Anyhow, thank you for reading!

Take it easy everyone.

-Imp

General Life Update

I took a month break from 7cups and was in the shadows for a while, hardly checking it. I wanted to focus in on things that are important to me, but it's been difficult to concentrate lately. I don't know if I will be coming back around as often. I'm just worried about a lot of things and I only written done a few things in this journal entry(not everything that's on my mind, as I feel that's a lot to write and this post is long enough already, hahaha).

Career/Work

So...I'm still taking a LONG time to finish my real estate classes due to health issues and well, depression...I only need 90 hours to complete it, but have been procrastinating and holding it off. Even if I'm unable to work at the moment, I still want to complete the classes to use as a backup. It's been difficult with the financial assistance for the disability. Today, I want to try and study and take the online classes. I'm going to make a small goal of maybe 3hrs a day, until it goes to 6, then 8 hours a day, once a day (including weekends). I only need to do 90 hours total, and the online classes will be completed. Should be simple enough and the deadline isn't until June. I might make a reply comment later to advise if I was able to study or do the classes today to this post.

Hobbies/Interests/Goals

Due to my disability, I haven't been doing any crazy exercises, as it gives me sharp chest/rib pain. For the most part, I have been reading a lot of manhwas and comics (mostly on webtoons). I have a few recommendations for anyone interested heh. I just love to read! Apart from reading, I have been gaming very lightly and it's mostly "cozy games". I stopped playing highly grindy or competitive games, as it can be a toxic environment for me sometimes.

I have attempted to draw digital art a few times, but don't like how it turns out. I'm a traditional artist (meaning I draw using paper pencil vs using art programs on the computer), but I wanted to do something different to get out of a rut and help with the art block. I have to draw via touch pad or touch screen, as I do not have a graphics tablet (unfortunately). I want to save money to get one, as I feel it is easier to draw that way instead of using a mouse or my finger. I miss drawing so much.

Furthermore, I am trying to improve my skills on the guitar, I have been playing it on and off and forgot a lot of songs. I want to get better at that...

Lastly, I'm getting back into language learning! As it has always been an interest of mine.

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care

Personally, I have always been interested in minimalism and rural type of living. I grew up in a small town and always wanted my own ranch/farm when I retire. I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'm still at the age of where most of my peers have an established career/are married/are divorced etc...I'm still sort of figuring things out as I go and trying to be "OK" with whatever's going on.

I also have been trying to declutter digitally, while (hopefully) trying to spend less time online.

For my health, I have quit alcohol and MJ for over 3 months now. It was a touch journey in the beginning, but it's been becoming easier and easier overtime. Going to try and make it to a year without those substances. I also would like to quit caffeine sometime soon, as it can make my anxiety worse and I worry that it could affect my health as well. I have been cooking more often as well, mostly for son, and I'm attempting to eat more, it's just been rather difficult as I hardly ever have an appetite.

I want to learn how to mediate as well, as I heard it's a good thing to help clear the mind from intrusive thoughts. Currently learning how to do that. I used to smoke MJ/eat edibles to numb my thoughts, but no longer depend on that now. 

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial)

My partner has been amazing and I love him to bits and pieces. I want to recover from my medical issue so I can also help out financially for our small family (my son and him). Once I'm financially stable, I do want to propose to him, but that may be later down the line. We're still in the process of moving and figuring things out. He has received his CDL license, which makes me more inspired and motivated to get myself license in real estate. I want to be able to provide for him and spoil him. His birthday is actually coming up really soon...and I feel awful that I'm currently broke and unable to travel to where he is at. He doesn't celebrate his birthday, but he got me something nice for mine. I feel bad...

Social 

My social life has been really minimal. I have noticed that the older I get, the only "friends" I really make is that at work, and since I am not working, I shut myself in. I also have been diagnosed PTSD & depression, so I'm less likely to go out. I have trusted some people in my life, and someone almost deleted me from this world...and some want to inflict physical pain to me, so I am careful when I go outside. However, since I will be moving sometime soon or during the summer at the latest, I can start over with my social life and try to make new friends.

I just don't feel particularly social anymore, I have been quite withdrawn...I feel depressed that I'm not making as big of improvements in my life as I want to and don't want to drag others down. I feel that I don't have anything interesting to say at the moment, as I'm mostly a shut in. My experiences are mostly from reading and watching content, as I haven't really gone out much and can't anyways...I get bad chest pains and have an intense fear (that I'm trying to get over) when I'm out in public.

Miscellaneous 

My son has recently been diagnosed with autism and has been going to speech therapy for a while. The doctor recommended that I move him to a school that specializes in helping children with speech issues and autism. I'm planning on moving soon out of the city, so I'm wondering if I should go ahead and put him in it now then change his schools, or wait until the move...I'm thinking of waiting as to not disrupt his routine. I want to do the best I can with him and spend more meaningful time. I hate that my depression has been making me low energy, plus my chronic pain. I'm going to try harder for him and spend more quality time. I love him so much and hope he lives a content and healthy life. I want to give him the life I wasn't able to receive...since I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional household. I want him to feel safe, loved, and respected. I hope all the good things in life happen to him and wish all the best. He's the only family I have (apart from partner).

General Life Update

I think I have a gaming addiction...I've noticed I've been spending more and more time gaming instead of doing others things. I've been using gaming to fill in the void since I've been dealing with chronic pain. I think I may want to quit gaming for a while and delete the mobile games off of my phone. It feels like it has been taking a lot of time from my life lately...If I'm going to game, I think I'll stick to just an hour or two a day until it lessens over time...I used to not game very much when my body was healthier/not in pain, but I find myself gaming since the medical issues.

Career/Work

I keep saying I'm going to do my real estate classes...and I never do...I think removing the games off of my phone for now will keep me from getting distracted. I have applied for disabilities as well as cash assistance, so hopefully that will assist me financially while I get back on my feet...I'm nervous that if I try to start working again, I will have to call off work frequently due to the pain I'm experiencing and end up getting terminated...

Hobbies/Interests/Goals

My main hobby (apart from gaming) has been reading comics on webtoons or webnovels online. I really enjoy reading, even if they're random articles online. I can't get enough of reading interesting content.

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care

So far, I have kept off of alcohol and taking edibles/smoking MJ for over 100 days now. I don't think I will go back to those things for my own health. I'm hoping to quit for good -- at least alcohol...I have thought about coming back to weed to help with the chronic pain and inflammation that is causing the sharp chest/rib pain...I just can't stand it anymore and the meds aren't working...

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial)

Familial - I currently owe my mother & oldest brother some money after having to quit my job for medical reasons...it's taking a while to get any cash assistance but I plan on paying them back as soon as I'm able to. I don't have the best relationship with any of my family members due to the abuse I have experienced growing up, so paying them back ASAP would be nice so I can go back to being no-contact.

Platonic - The only friends really are those I have made online from a pen pal app called "Slowly", on a social gaming app called "Sky: COTL" and just certain groups on cord of dis (lol). I don't plan on making friends in real life soon until I move from this city, due to the trauma and agoraphobia I have experienced....

Romantic - Everything has been pretty much OK in terms of my relationship with my long distance partner. I just feel sad and gloomy that I have not been able to see him in about 4 months now. Just a lot of stuff going on in our personal lives (him dealing with his abusive family, and I'm dealing with some medical issues and other things), which makes it hard...We'll be moving in together soon-ish whenever he starts working. He got his license for CDL and has been applying for jobs. I just feel bad that I feel like a dead weight. I can't really work or do much...I'm going to try and complete my real estate classes though, even if I can or cannot work to at least have for backup. He paid for my classes and I feel bad I haven't been able to do much. I need to focus this month and get those classes done ASAP.

Social 

I'm extremely not social at the moment, which is the opposite of how I used to be in the past. I can't be social anymore...Not until I have moved from here. I usually make polite talk if I use a ride share app to go to my doctor's appointments or to pick up my meds, so I am polite to the driver...I'm just tired that whenever I do happen to go out, I have people flirting with me or not leaving me alone. I don't want to be social right now nor do I want people to creep on me. It's getting annoying.

Miscellaneous 

I feel like I'm not spending the quality time that I should with the little one...We've both been glued to electronics lately. I'm too afraid to go outside due to my agoraphobia and...I no longer have a car for me to dodge certain people if I really need to quickly. I used to take my son out for ice cream and go "park hopping". We'd also go to the zoo and the library, doing different activities often. I wanted him to have a good life that I didn't really have when I was young...I feel like I have been failing him lately. I wish I could do more for him. Furthermore, I need to change his school soon. He was recently diagnosed with autism, and it was recommended I put him in a special school that helps with that. I had to move him in the past from different daycares because they would tell me they can't handle "special needs" kids like him even though on their website, it says they do help with special needs children...It was upsetting...But hoping to find a place that is extremely accepting of my son and understanding. I just want whatever's best for him...I feel like a huge failure right now...

A failure because I'm unable to work and provide for son...a failure because I don't feel like I spend enough quality time with him. A failure because I haven't been able to provide him the best life possible due to my own trauma and issues (that I'm trying to work through). It just sucks. I wish I was better for him. I'm failing so *** hard it makes me sad. I'm going to make a better effort.

Sometimes, we cook together, draw, and we read nearly every night, but I wish I could do more...Idk...I just miss the ice cream days, the park hopping, the zoo, library etc but I'm too afraid and I'm also broke and dealing with constant chronic pain that I can hardly walk as much as I used to...

Sincerely,

-Iɱρ

:: Sҽɳƚιɱҽɳƚʂ σϝ α Zαɳყ Iɱρ ::

General Life Update: Struggling Financially & Family Issues

So... still struggling financially ever since I stopped working back in Nov 2023 due to medical issues. I was able to use my tax money so far to pay off rent, but now I have only 2 months left until the lease is up and deciding what I want to do. My (abusive) mother has told me she will help me ONLY if I move in with her in a different state and told me to get an eviction, but I won't do that. I don't want to move in with someone who used to physically, verbally, and SA me throughout my childhood... I want to be free.

Career/Work: Nothing New

Uhm...Nothing really new in this category. Just been doing my real estate classes when I have the physical and mental energy for it. I'm starting to sound like a broken record talking about it honestly... I'm just...at this point where I'm numb to the idea of a career...I'm just doing it because it makes money and I can bring stability to my son's life. I used to be passionate about it(real estate in particular), but I'm feeling somewhat burnt out and unsure of what the he** I want to do...

Hobbies/Interests/Goals: Going back to the basics

Occasionally, I play guitar here and there. Currently trying to learn fingerstyle and new songs to keep in interesting. I really want to get back into drawing as well and have been watching a lot of videos on art. Apart from that, I am studying for language learning and have rekindled my passion for programming and wanted to study again -- I burnt out initially from that as well a long time ago.

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care: Project "Metamorphosis"

Project Metamorphosis is something personal to me -- it's a project I'm working on to improve myself and my overall life. Some things that I have done were: quitting alcohol & weed, cutting out some toxic people in my life, cooking more instead of eating out, and just in general trying to improve my overall health and life while achieving some goals.

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial): Fated to be alone...?

Platonic: I'm extremely bad in this department... based on my depression, anxiety, and PTSD, it's hard for me to stay connected to people. After awhile, I feel like a burden or feel too exhausted to communicate and go silent for a bit. For the people I really care about, I let them know I won't be around anymore. For those who are unhealthy to be around, I stay radio silent (as it is a safer option -- I have some crazy stalkers).

I have a hard time keeping friends honestly... 

Familial: Furthermore, I don't have a good relationship with my family based on growing up with abuse. I plan on completely cutting out my abusive mother once I pay back the money I owe and never talking to her again. I don't really have a lot of support in real life, and end up relying on people who are abusive towards me...it sucks...But if it keeps both my son's and my head above water, then I have to do what I got to do.

Romantic: As for romantic relationships... I don't know how to feel about it...I have been in many abusive relationships to where my ex-fiancé nearly made me unalive, and my 2nd "ex" (if it can even be called that since it was a situationship), used me for money, free meals, free car rides, and ghosted me when he found someone else, then came crawling back like nothing happened. I then had a string of (unfortunate) dates with people that didn't work out, or were psychotic and had a creepy stalker who I had to escape as he has violent tendencies...

Now, I am dating my current BF who's long distance and nice to me...
But... I wonder if it will work out?...
We talked about moving in together, and he promised that he would take care of me and to not worry about anything -- this was something COMPLETELY new to me. I'm used to taking care of other people and no one ever taking care of me... I've always took care of my ex-fiancé, my ex-"cuddlebuddy" (the one in the situationship), and every date I have went on. I was actually shocked to hear he wanted to take care of me. 
So I didn't worry but...He can't take care of me.
He's dealing with family issues and all of his money is pretty much gone now -- for supporting his (abusive) family. He mentioned to me they were all physically & verbally abusive as well... But he'd give them money and for 30+ years never thought to move out of the family home or live his own life. He says he only stays there to protect his nephew from his parents but...I don't see why he doesn't adopt him or call child protection to help him?? When I ask him this, he usually just says "Oh, my nephew is terrible, I wouldn't want to adopt him and I wouldn't be able to because they'd see me as a single man. Also, child protection would be worse because he'd end up in foster care".

I just...at this point...think maybe he's not truly invested then in this relationship or has some fear?
I am his first real GF that he has ever had. 

I have a very "go-getter" personality, whereas he is more laidback.
I think he is fun to talk to, very intelligent, handsome, etc, but it's just...difficult sometimes and I don't know where else to share this,

Social: Basically nonexistent (lol) 

I honestly don't communicate much with people in the outside world, mostly just friendly, acquaintance type of speak -- such as when I am speaking to my son's daycare teachers or just going to my doctor's appointment. I don't really...say much else.

Though, I have thought about making friends online. Somebody on here recommended me the app Bubblic, and it seems really nice so far. It's an app where you can leave voice notes to share what's on your mind, or you can use a writing prompt. Furthermore, everyone is anonymous and you can also reply to other people's "Bubbles" or thoughts. It's a very interesting app. Going to see how it goes and update further later.

Miscellaneous: Random thoughts on my mind 

Well...My priority is to straighten out my finances. I applied for cash assistance, and they denied it stating I didn't have all the paperwork DESPITE talking to the department 3-4x while taking over a MONTH and them saying "Yes, you have everything, it looks good" or "You're missing ONE document" (which I then proceed to send to them). They stated I had NOTHING in the denial letter, so I have contacted my attorney and also tried another legal department as well apart from appeal the cash assistance decision.

Apart from that, I have also applied for renewal on child support services, so it should be much cheaper... Just waiting to hear back from them. I hope I don't get the same answer that I received with cash assistance, that would really bite...

𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃𝑔, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉𝓈.

𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓵𝔂,

-Iɱρ

✤General Life Update : Moving Far Away...Where the Trauma Originated

Near the end of this month, I will be saying goodbye to this current city, Obscuremonte Civit, and current state, Solterra to move away to a state & city that is 1,000+ kilometers away where my former abuser lives...who is also my mother...I'm going back to my "home state" Planaterra....Albeit, it has NEVER felt like home. I've lived in many different states and travelled to many as well...Been to different countries as well, but everywhere I go has never felt like home to me...
Despite this, I plan on making a home with my partner and move to a completely new place. It'll be nice to start over with a fresh start.

✤Career/Work : Nothing New
Nothing really new in this section, I took a break (again) on my classes due to the move and just feeling anxious about everything going on. Although, I have been applying for jobs remotely. Once I 

✤Hobbies/Interests/Goals : Getting Back into the Groove

Recently, I have been drawing here and there, mostly for the little one -- whatever he requests I draw. I noticed that my skills have regressed...as I've drawn for decades, but stopped for maybe 3-5ish years? Ever since I moved to Obscuremonte Civit, I began drawing less and less...been dealing with too much trauma to be able to draw. When I move though, I will be working on both an old & new comic ideas...One is a VERY personal comic that has to do with experiences, though translated into a fantasy/sci-fi/etc setting (won't say too much lol, might upload it one of these days after I leave Planaterra...).
Apart from that, I still play guitar here and there. I want to invest in getting a piano -- and would like to compose my own music as well. I want to either make my own video game, or make an online interactive comic/novel where it has music play in the background. Just a way to combine a lot of hobbies into one.

✤Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care : Metamorphosis

Been reflecting a lot lately on what I want out of life and how to get there...I definitely want to put more love & care in my body by eating healthier, exercising more (as much as my body is physically capable of due to chronic pain), and dressing better to flatter my body. I don't want to hate it anymore...I've lost a LOT of weight and have always been on the thin side -- I just want to feel healthy and BE healthy...While I did quit a lot of vices, I want to flip it around and instill better habits instead.

✤Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial) : Back in Contact w/ Dysfunctional Family

Familial - Due to my health issues and being unable to work, I will be moving to Flumencivita...where my emotionally unstable mother lives...I'm estranged from my family, and don't have a choice but to be in contact with them due to these health issues -- which caused me to have to leave my last job... apart from other reasons. Due to being unable to get government assistance, I will have to force myself to work, despite my medical condition so...if I have to call off work, I will call off work.
Platonic - Currently, I don't have any IRL friends, they're all online...and not very many anymore. I just have a lot of things going on in life, that I feel bad for not keeping up with them. One of my hobbies is language learning, but due to me not actively improving my language abilities(apart from English & Spanish) and not learning any new languages for the moment, I haven't been talking to those pen pals...and feel bad about it...I'm not in the right headspace right now.
Romantic - Everything is going OK for the most part...there were some communication issues, about what we're trying to accomplish, but have been in more communication lately in regards to that. This has been the best relationship I have ever been in a to of green flags, but I feel like I tend to self-sabotage and ruin things. Anytime I feel insecure or negative feelings, I talk to my partner about it to hash it out. I like that he is also very honest in return with me, but also kind and considerate.
Parental Bond - I'm hoping that once I heal, I can bond the same way I used to with my little one. We used to go out for ice cream, go park hopping, and other fun adventures (ex. the zoo, new playground, new restaurants, kids places, etc.) I miss those days...My health is bad and my eyesight needs to get checked again, as I think I might be going blind in one eye, so I won't be driving until I get that eye checked out. For now, we have been drawing, reading, writing, and playing with his blocks together. Sometimes, we watch videos together too. I just feel bad that I am not always capable of doing activities with him because of my health... I feel both physically and mentally spent most days.

✤Social : Chronically Online
The only socializing that I do in real life is whenever I drop off my son to daycare and when I pick him up. I get nervous when I go out and about and people end up wanting to be friends...I'm usually quite amicable and honest with my thoughts/feelings with others around, as well as always giving friendly greetings everywhere I go (it's common to act as such where I'm from -- a small rural town) and as a result, people have end up wanting to hang out with me...however, I am not capable of doing that right now. Partially for that reason, I haven't left my house unless I ABSOLUTELY have to...There's other reasons why...namely due to having stalkers who want to do me harm...or from others stabbing me in the back and treating me poorly. I need more time to work on myself before I decide to make friends in real life -- plus, I move around a lot and not really looking to keep in contact with people who live in  specific cities/states that have assisted with making my PTSD & depression worse...

✤Miscellaneous 
I've been attempting to sell the loads of (expensive) clothes that former coworkers and former friends passed to me -- as I don't particularly wear their style of clothing and am not comfortable with wearing such luxurious brands. I buy cheap clothes from the thrift store instead I might not be able to sell it online in time so...thinking of finding stores that buy clothes for cash to lighten my load before I move to Planaterra...

Apart from that...Idk...I haven't been able to sleep at all at night. I have too much anxiety to be able to sleep...Will probably journal again for updates. My brain currently feels tired....

General Life Update

It's been awhile since I have updated my journal on 7cups, so thought...might as well. I might find some others who can relate to what I'm going through? Feel free to reply to the posts if you feel like it. This place is just a way to get whatever is on my mind off of my chest.

Career/Work

  Currently, I have been working at a remote call center job... Originally, I wasn't going to work at all due to my disabilities, but I don't have a choice, so here I am...I earned my UX Design certification, but I don't have any complete projects to show...so while I work at this *** call center, I'm going to work my butt off in making a portfolio that is worthwhile for any company seeking a UX Designer to look at...

Apart from that, no new news about the real estate license haha. I completed ALL of my classes eons ago, but I have ONE major problem...Which is that I have to either fly or drive out of state to take the school exam AND the state exam right after I pass the school exam...furthermore, I stopped studying due to my current situation.

Hobbies/Interests/Goals

Hmm...Well, I'm interested in writing again. It was one of my major hobbies, apart from drawing. I turned in a submission for writing to a major social media commentary channel and made it to step 2 out of 3...They liked my resume, which was step 1. Then in step 2 they requested I write something specific for them and now waiting for step 3, which would be an interview with the company.

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care

...I haven't been sleeping very good lately. The past few months have had a lot of ups and downs....I was studying like crazy for the real estate classes, but you know how that turned out...Then I studied hard for the UX Design classes, but now I'm staying up trying to get this portfolio but...

My self-care goals:

• Drink more water
• Eat healthier foods
• Set at least an hour aside and take some "Me Time" to journal or relax.
• Sleep more (when possible)
• Do (light) exercise until the medical issues are cleared up then go back to heavier exercises...if the medical issues ever clear up...

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial)

...To be honest, I feel like I'm awful at finding healthy relationships with people, whether romantic or platonic...I grew up in a toxic environment, so I don't have any close familial bonds to anyone. I'm temporarily living with one of my abusive relatives. It's a long story, but long story short, I quit my last job due to health issues, my current partner promised to find a place for us and to "not worry" about anything, but he has already dropped the ball many, many times that I no longer trust him for that.

Which leads me to...I have thought about breaking up with him. There are other reasons, but things have been building up for awhile....However, I won't make any impulsive nor rash decisions UNTIL I am financially stable and secure a home AWAY from my abuser, then I'll have another serious talk with my partner about the future.

Social 

Dear lord haha. I have NO progress at ALL in this area in real life. Due to my situation, I am trapped in this home 24/7...But once I move out, I plan on making friends in real life. I do have some online friends, but I feel too exhausted to talk sometimes when I'm stressed about some things in real life...I feel bad but...I just don't have the energy sometimes and need to take a step back for a bit.

Miscellaneous 

My mind has been tired and foggy lately. I'm trying hard to reach my goals but I'm exhausted. I have little to no support where I currently stay. My son is autistic and preschool age without the resources he needs based on my situation and I almost lost my job because of him being EXTREMELY loud in the background while I take phone calls. My partner...is doing his own thing and I'm trying to help both of us. He's extremely depressed and doesn't really want to do much, but will do things for his physically abusive family.

I'm just sick and tired most times but...despite that, I keep pushing. I KNOW this certificate will be JUST what I need. I already have coding experience, multilingual, real estate, pest control, finance (ex. accounting & payroll), tech, medical, (some) legal, and auto industry experience based on the life I've lived so far so...We'll see...Maybe things will become even better in the future?...

𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃𝑔, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉𝓈.

𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓵𝔂,

-Iɱρ

@ImpudentIncognito You have been working so hard towards a better life for you and your son. Despite the chronic pain and depression you've also been dealing with. I know you miss being able to take him for ice cream and trips to the zoo but being able to cook together and draw together those are awesome things too. Those are things that he'll remember and maybe right now you can't give him everything you'd like to, he has you and your love and I think that it is the greatest gift of all. Think how different your own life growing up would have been if parental love been there. 

I remember you studying like crazy for your real estate license. Could you maybe do a *** page to cover airfare? I know there's other sites that have similar things. I understand too, if that's not something you're comfortable with.

Socializing is a whole other ball game. I'm horrible at it lol. I spend over 90% of my time alone. It's hard when you're tired and depressed or you hurt or D. all of the above. Having friends requires a level of commitment that I struggle to make for a number of reasons. I guess I like being alone except for the times I get lonely? 

You've got a lot of irons in the fire and they all sound really promising. If you could do the remote call until you have an interview with the social media place and then work on your portfolio for the UX design that would be awesome. 

I wish you the best in all you do to create a better and brighter future for you and your son! 💜

General Life Update

... Been feeling exhausted lately and my health hasn't exactly been getting any better. I had to call off work already for a week, actually close to 2 weeks now --which I'll go into more detail in the next category...Apart from that, I've picked up interest in writing again, so if you guys ever wanna see random crap that I write, it will all be posted here:

𑁍✧˖°˚ʚThe Impetuous Idle Inscriptions of an Impɞ˚°˖✧𑁍

I didn't get the job for the social commentary channel for writing lol. But that's OK! I'm still pretty happy he complimented my work and found it interesting enough to check it out. I got his permission to add it to my portfolio! I did make some adjustments to the names, location, and working title.

Career/Work

  ...Nothing good happening here. Just tired of getting the runaround. I went to the doctor and she made me a note of accommodation but it's not valid until she fills out a specific form from HR so...I just gave up and called off work again yesterday and I ended up calling off TODAY because I need transportation to go to my doctor just to sign the document...Without that form, I'll just end up getting scolded and sent home.

I wish they would just fire me at this point, I'm tired of pointless scolding for feeling SO muddy sick of having nausea and chronic pain, and being told I can get off the phone for a few minutes to go puke or rest once my chest is burning up. I wish they would just fire me at this point, I'm tired of pointless scolding for feeling SO muddy sick of having nausea and chronic pain, and being told I can get off the phone for a few minutes to go puke or rest once my chest is burning up.

At this point, I'm just WAITING for them to fire me. I'll ignore their scolding. I don't really care. It'll make it easier to apply for unemployment, I suppose? I literally CANNOT work but have no choice because this country is mucked up and the healthcare is a load of rubbish. They can *** off with that.

If I was healthy again...if I COULD muddy work...I would NOT be hoping to get fired.

Hobbies/Interests/Goals

...Well...my current goals are the following:

1. Finish 3 UX Design portfolios (including the research, wireframes, and prototypes) and add it to the portfolio.
2. Finish the portfolio website LOL probably by the beginning of January.
3. Apply for writing jobs on the side because...why not?
4. Try to pick up drawing again
5. Start off by drawing once a week, twice a week, and eventually daily until I'm used to it. Take 5-10mins out of the day to draw until it becomes a regular habit again
6. Try different mediums of art (ex. traditional, digital, painting, 3d, etc)
7. Play guitar & improve vocals
8. Learn at least ONE song to perfection (My memory is now bad, and I don't remember tabs nor chords from the songs I used to sing & play...I have to start over. My brain is screwed up after what my ex fiance did to me...)
9. Create new songs again!
10. Focus back on language learning
11. Improve my English & Spanish to a higher level (if you guys see me write in English here, please correct any grammar or spelling errors I may have. It is VERY helpful for me, thank you!)
12. Target Language: Japanese
13. Other Languages of Interest: Mandarin, Thai, Vietnamese (South Dialect), Estonian, Finnish, Danish, & French (so I can speak to my distant-relatives in France...My French is pretty bad tbh...I had to give up and use a translator last time to communicate with them, embarrassing...)
14. In case you're wondering about the random language selections lol, I picked them for specific reasons. Mostly for vacationing or career related moves or to move to. Some, I just happen to like to consume the media haha.
15. Some light exercise that I can handle since I can no longer weight lift nor go out for a run anymore like I used to...(might just consider physical therapy my exercise tbh...)

Interpersonal/Philosophy/Self-Care

...I need to get more sleep haha...Been so stressed lately and neglecting this the most! My skin used to be really good and radiant, since I stayed hydrated, ate healthy in the past, weight lifted, etc but I've been a mess for a while. Lost my muscles and became skinny to underweight at some point. I'm trying to maintain my weight to average, but miss my muscles if I'm going to be honest...I miss being strong... My skin is now dry too and bleeds...it...really sucks...I used to live in hot weather AWAY from family, now I'm in cold weather where there's a LOT of allergies too, so I'm deep in mud...

Relationships (ex. Platonic/Romantic/Familial)

Platonic: The only friends I honestly have are online here on 7cups who I talk to regularly, which are @Jaetuk, @mytwistedsoul, & @slowdecline48 and a few on other online platforms...I feel I relate to you guys more based on life experiences and age as well. I noticed there are more younger 7cuppers on the site, and I don't always relate to them....I noticed when I join the 7cups support group chat, most of the time, it's about college, studying, crushes, anxiety (surrounding school), depression (surrounding school) etc. While I could relate in the past, I don't really now...

Anyhow...I don't have friends in real life, not exactly...I mean, there is this one childhood friend I grew up with since we were only 3-4 years old. Went to school together until I think sometimes in junior or senior high? Anytime we see each other, everything is fine, but we don't really actively seek one another out.

Familial (intermediate/extended): Let's see...Well, I guess I would say I'm a bit of an outcast from my family. I'm not particularly close to my intermediate family (parents & siblings) and only a select few extended relatives I used to talk to, but don't do as much anymore, because I don't enjoy using social media, and they all use this green app called "WhatsDown" or "HowApp" haha...I don't use that. I prefer good old fashion emails. It feels less intimidating and...I don't really have something to say everyday anyways. I tend to write in long form than short form. I only do short form writing if I'm clowning or if I'm making plans to meet up with people to hangout...but that hasn't happened in a while...

Apart from that, I still do live (temporarily) with my toxic mother and oldest brother. We're 4 kids, I'm the 2nd youngest and only female siblings, so I was treated differently than my brothers...Used to have an older sister who was the OLDEST out of all of us...but... she was offed/erased from existence (I guess I have to censor the specific word, but you know what I mean...) and I blame my parents for that for very specific reason. They're telling me conflicting stories now that I'm older and I don't know if I can believe it. My mother is blaming my father for the erasure of my sister.

Nuclear(son & myself): Everything is just going OK with my son and I.... I don't have the resources right now to help him. He is non-verbal and autistic, and I tried getting him daycare and speech therapy, but it's proved difficult since living with my mother and having my plans sabotaged so...that's fun... My son gets overly stimulated sometimes, and it can be difficult to deal with...But on days he's mellow, it's really nice to be around him. He's really good at math and he can read VERY clearly...it's just he doesn't talk like that on his own, sometimes it just sounds like babbling or gibberish, but he tries. I correct him too, so he remembers how to say certain things.

Romantic: I...don't know how I feel...My partner has been going through a rough time lately. No, I have not broken up with him yet. It's a long story...

So long story short, I used to work a finance related job last year, but had to quit due to health issues and WAS trying to apply for disabilities, was having difficulties, so went back to looking for a new job, but my partner basically said "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of you and get an apartment for son and you." so I trusted him...Normally...in ALL of the relationships I have been in, I would be taking care of my partner and was "the provider". So, I thought "Man, this is actually really nice..."

He took out a loan that was equivalent to something like $1,000USD/$1,442CAD to help prevent me from getting evicted from my last place, and I paid him that back and doubled it. Unfortunately, he gave some of that money to his father, who was physically and verbally abuse to him growing up and whom, still to this day, he does NOT have a good relationship with. Furthermore, he claimed both of his alcoholic/abusive parents tend to waste money, so when i heard that I was a little irate. He also DID use it towards classes he needed to pay to get a license, which I was completely fine with. I was just slightly annoyed when he would mention he couldn't pay off his loan because he is "broke"...

He was taking classes to get a license in a certain field but...Everything went to the hole when he dropped dirty for a drug test due to his "wonderful" sister smoking greens in the house. So his license was revoked...He didn't know there was a violation until one job finally told him why he wasn't getting hired in that specific field...so he opt for just doing delivery driver type of jobs instead that he can do on his own, but then said his vehicle has issues so he'd hardly drive it unless he was taking out his nephew...

Some more background on partner: He has been living at home with his abusive, alcoholic parents for 30+ years and never moved. He also has his grade-school aged nephew there who's always getting into trouble (ex. punching little girls in the nose, not doing his homework, bullying, etc) and sometimes his violent drug-addict sister (nephew's mother) would be in and out of the house causing issues that they constantly have to call the police. It just sounds...exhausting...

His current situation: His dad has cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. My partner said he has to drop off his nephew at school and take him to appointments (despite his parents who used to tell him to "mind his own business" when it came to parenting nephew), take his dad wherever he needs to, get his drug-addict sister her meds, etc etc. They just use him and talk a load of malarkey, even being having to be physical with him in the past (which he returned back at them, he's WAY bigger and stronger...idk why they would hit him but also...it...just seems like a violent household...) He told me the ONLY REASON he is doing this stuff is to inherit their house and the new, fancy car his dad has...and...I'm wondering, is that really worth it?...His dad has cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. My partner said he has to drop off his nephew at school and take him to appointments (despite his parents who used to tell him to "mind his own business" when it came to parenting nephew), take his dad wherever he needs to, get his drug-addict sister her meds, etc etc. They just use him and talk a load of malarkey, even being having to be physical with him in the past (which he returned back at them, he's WAY bigger and stronger...idk why they would hit him but also...it...just seems like a violent household...) He told me the ONLY REASON he is doing this stuff is to inherit their house and the new, fancy car his dad has...and...I'm wondering, is that really worth it?...

I have been out of my parents house since I was 18 years old. I've only returned recently after several decades due to not having ANY support ANYWHERE. I'm alone with just the kiddo...It's fine for me to be homeless, but it is NOT fine for my son to be, so I swallowed my pride and came to my mother's home (my parents are separated, my dad's house is infested with pests and he does nothing about it).

My BF had tried to compare our situations but...I've been independent for longer than he has...and only been here for a few months compared to the decades I've been away from my toxic family, and I plan on going NC once I'm financially stable, but my health is making it difficult.

Our plans were to initially move in together, but I have doubts...He has NEVER lived alone, and I think it's best he do that first. I've been in a LOT of unhealthy relationships and I think its best I live alone (with son) for a while...

I just wanted to note that I only listed all the negatives about partner...In the past, he used to be so sweet. He rescued me from my ex fiancé who nearly erased my existence in the past. My partner drove 2 hours down to come pick me up from work to make sure I was safe and OK, I worked remotely that day after. I also did NOT have a lot of furniture at my last apartment, so he bought me bedding and furniture as well as a kitchen set without me asking. That was REALLY nice of him...Never had that kindness before. I'm usually the one doing those things for others, so thought him and I are similar....but...

He pretty much said he doesn't have much ambitions, whereas I have a LOT I wanna do. I just wish I wasn't flipping ill all the time nor dealing with medical issues. It puts my plans on hold...

I used to be the provider/sugar mama in nearly all of my relationships and used to be OK with that but...idk...It would be nice to have equal role? Or...if they could be the homemaker, so I'm not handling EVERYTHING.

I think I should just give up on dating after this tbh. I'm a solo parent(other parent is NOT involved at all, I have a restraining order), my child is diagnosed with autism and needs my attention more, and I'm trying to build a stable career. I don't have much to offer at the moment while I'm constantly sick. I quit dating when I wasn't working. I hate to say it, but I (stupidly) tie my worth to my salary. I feel bad for not being able to provide a better life for son and partner. I used to make decent money and now I hardly make anything due to calling off too much.

I hate where my life is right now...and I have no support outside, no friends, nothing.

Social 

...My social life is currently non-existent hahahahaha. Again, just waiting to move...which will take awhile due to health and financial stability reasons, but a person can dream, right?... I put this section in my journal buy almost NEVER have anything new to say haha. I guess I could write stories about the times I used to have many pals and wasn't as sick as I am now...I used to be more social than I am now.

Miscellaneous 

...Uh...Well...I'm supposed to be working on my portfolio right now but I get distracted a lot of the time and don't feel like it...I'm just exhausted...I might need to take little 10min breaks or something inbetween or start treating it like a full time job...I feel sick of everything right now and all I can do is moan and complain about it here on 7cups, and get up off my butt and work on my portfolio (which I keep on starting over on, because I hate it). Gonna try a different method and just do the wireframes for now and worry about portfolio later, I suppose...

If you read all of that LOL I'M SORRY. xD It's just a bunch of pent up frustration.

𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃𝑔, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉𝓈.

𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓵𝔂,

-Iɱρ