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Scattered Thoughts

ThePizza August 11th, 2019

Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.

1403
ThePizza OP June 30th, 2021

I think my grip on the depression has been worse than I thought, or maybe I'm having some particularly strong depression days idk. I think I have less distractions without school, and god I am so glad to not be in school right now but I think it's still affecting me anyway. I still have a list of things I want and/or need to do but it's been getting harder and harder to make progress on that list. I think I've been alone with my thoughts for far too long now. I'm not sure how much of it is from my depression and how much is from the aftermath of the pandemic (not being able to hang out with friends, disrupted from normal routines, etc.) but I don't feel particularly hopeful that anything will really lift this and make me feel better. I feel so far removed from everything— myself, my friends, my interests— and I don't know what will help me cross that distance to get back to feeling in tune with everything else. So many things swirling around my brain in one giant tangled mess that's been impossible to get unknotted. I need something to change, soon

ThePizza OP June 30th, 2021

You're supposed to do the things to function and that will make you happy right?? Like you set up your routines and tasks, things you need to do to stay physically and mentally well and once you've been doing those consistently for a while your good mood stays? That's what they say a lot of times but I'm starting to wonder if it actually works like that

ThePizza OP July 2nd, 2021

The Tower of Nero, the fifth and final book of the Trials of Apollo series, came out around ten months ago in August 2020. I have been avoiding reading it for several reasons, even though I had preordered it and have owned a copy this entire time— partly because school was starting and I didn't have time, partly because I just can't read like I used to, partly because I have heard it's the last book the author is writing relating to this particular storyline and that's very bittersweet for me. Well, I've finally reread all four of the previous books as a refresher, and I started The Tower of Nero today. Already about halfway through it haha. I'm loving it so far it's great and there are references and other funny/clever things and just

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ThePizza OP July 3rd, 2021
***

Toss your dirty shoes into my washing machine heart

Baby bang it up inside

***

It goes all my troubles on a burning pile, all lit up and I start to smile

If I catch fire then I'll change my aim, and throw my troubles at the pearly gates

***

When you go would you have the guts to say

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

***


Been counting down the days to go
This just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say
Goodbye today
I'd ask you to be true
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

***


I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene
It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said you won't feel a thing

***

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiving
Nothing you can say will stop me going home

***


Got called an alien for being myself
I ain't got the patience to be someone else
So just take my heart out
That'd make it better
I won't be sorry
Better late than never
Just take my heart out
That'd make it better
Hiding all my feelings but I
Know that I'm not dreaming cause
There's hope for the underrated youth
And I'm so far from telling you the truth
Cause you keep on pulling me down pulling me down pulling me down
Yeah there's hope for the underrated youth


***

My heart's north is a decoy soul
I'll lift you up and then I'll let you go
I've made an art of digging shallow holes
I'll drive the darkness in and watch it grow
My heart's north is a decoy soul
Who knew the emptiness could be so cold
I've most lost the parts of me that make me whole
I am the darkness
I'm the monster

***

It's like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down

***

Criminal minds
Try to hide what they're thinking
And they're tough to identify
And they cut with precsion
These criminal minds

***

I've had these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought
Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence

***

Self-sabotage is a sweet romance
I know it's over
I was born a choker
Nobody's coming for me
(Only smoking secondhand)

***

But I crumble completely when you cry
It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye
I'm always just about to go and spoil the surprise
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon

***

Prepare the diving bell
It's time to take this low again
Lay at ease for a spell
You knew me too well
I'll miss you there when I descend
Sorry there's no place for you
Inside the solitude
Just stay up here until I'm back again
I swear I'll be there for you
I swear I'll follow through
Stay
The course
And keep
The ship manned

***

Is it all a tragedy
Are we flashes in a rut
Going in and out of luck
Maybe
But the answers will not change
Even when they're covered up
All these questions in your gut
Won't fade

***

You don't know my brain
The way you know my name
You don't know my heart
The way you know my face
You don't know what I've done
I'm wanted and on the run

***

I don't
But how bout more than just hello?
Yeah something's iffy
Glad you're with me that the state of things is icky
Is there something here we're missing?
Maybe
NO!
I
Mean
You
Know that we've gone through all of this before

***

You feel low
That's not true!
It's okay
Don't assume!
You don't need to save face
In almost any case, we'd embrace you
That's rich!
No one hates you
Everybody's got flaws
But with no you at all I'm incomplete

***

Help, oh well
Everybody going up but I'm going to hell
I don't even give a f*** what they're doing who cares
I been thinking that I'm nuts but who isn't I stare
I stare
Screaming
Help, oh well
Everybody going up but I'm going to hell
I don't even give a f*** what they're doing who cares
I been thinking that I'm nuts but who isn't I stare
I
Stare
Screaming

***


ThePizza OP July 4th, 2021

You'd better educate yourself but never too much

ThePizza OP July 5th, 2021

Finished the last trials of Apollo book
i am in pain

4 replies
mytwistedsoul July 5th, 2021

@ThePizza Hey M :) I hope it was a good book. Made it to House of Hades but haven't read it yet
I'm sorry you're in pain :( It makes everything worse and I hope it passes soon and you can start to feel better

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

3 replies
ThePizza OP July 5th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul
lol thank you, I'm just a huge bookworm haha
it's bittersweet for the series to end but the ending was really good, which is much better than having a crappy ending

House of Hades is really good :') If/when you finish the Heroes of Olympus you should definitely read the Trials of Apollo, it's a continuation. Also there's the Kane Chronicles, which is Egyptian mythology, and Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard, which is Norse mythology. Both of those are trilogies and in my opinion pretty underrated, they're really good too. As you can probably tell Rick Riordan is huge for me lol

Hope you're doing alright <3 yesterday I was pitting some cherries (we didn't grow them though) and it made me think of you guys and the greenhouse for some reason lol. Just seems like a garden-y thing to do I guess

2 replies
mytwistedsoul July 5th, 2021

@ThePizza There's nothing wrong with that :) I really enjoyed reading the books of his that I did - it sort of teaches the mythology along with a good story and the humor in some of them is really good too. The characters were cool too - relateable. I had seen the Kane and Magnus books so hopefully I'll get to those eventually because they sounded interesting. I guess the ending of them is similar to The Harry Potter books - any books of a long series really

It's funny you should say that - I was picking beans earlier before you replied and wondered if you and your family ever planted a garden. Pitting cherries is a messy job! You could allmost say it's the pits lol - yeah yeah - bad humor :P

1 reply
ThePizza OP July 6th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul
So much juice everywhere :p I'd never thought of cherries being that juicy before so I was surprised

We haven't done the garden but I think it would be cool to have one when I live on my own and stuff. I have to get better at sticking with routines though otherwise the plants won't last very long I'm afraid 👁👁

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ThePizza OP July 6th, 2021
4 replies
ThePizza OP July 6th, 2021

@ThePizza
Aw man snacking duckie's not at the top anymore

mytwistedsoul July 7th, 2021

@ThePizza 😊 👍 🐾

2 replies
ThePizza OP July 7th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul
Thank you Ari I smiled 😋

1 reply
mytwistedsoul July 8th, 2021

@ThePizza yw 😊

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ThePizza OP July 9th, 2021

So many things that have been taken for granted

I think I really have changed a lot in the past few years. A lot of things for the better, but there's still so much I don't know about myself and so much I want to change. The way I used to be— yikes. The things I can't let go but hate— double yikes

Nothing feels right anymore and I don't know how to go about explaining it to other people. Hell, I don't even understand it myself. I've been getting professional help yet I struggle so much to find the words to describe this weird, unreal state I'm in. And there are many things I still haven't brought up either, things I really should work on. It's hard to tell another adult who knows your parents about the ways you feel your parents have wronged you, the things that make you suspicious that your life has been a lot different than what is considered the norm. Never wanting to become like them but it feels almost inevitable— when you depend on people for a necessary resource, to some degree it affects you the same way it does them. They've been filled with the poison and now I, the dependent, feel it coursing through my veins too

How does something you need to survive become such a toxic thing in one's life? I'd die without it but at the same time it's killing me. Slowly but surely— and soon it won't be slow

It feels weird to talk about it. Sort of a forbidden subject I guess, and to some degree society already expects me to have this problem, or at least to be much more likely to develop it, because I am of a particular demographic. I hate playing into people's expectations when I don't like those expectations.

The swimming should have helped but it didn't. And seeing physical reminders every day made it worse, especially in this sport. Now I don't even have the swimming and it's hard to get myself to exercise. I do it infrequently, random spurts of success and failure at keeping up the routine.

How is it that such a strong hate hasn't ever been enough to keep me on track to fix this problem?

ThePizza OP July 11th, 2021

Watched the end of the Wimbledon tennis championship today— my mom used to play tennis and she had it on and I watched too. The commentators said something about how the girl who ended up winning, Ashleigh Barty, had taken some sort of mental health break from tennis for some time and then decided to come back too it. That's incredible to me— that she took time off and did other things, but was still able to come back to the sport and win the championship. There's so much training that goes into that, and it's great too that she put her mental health first and her family supported that decision. Seeing her processing her victory gives me a sense of loss. I know I'll never have this moment with swimming. And not just the fact that I'm nowhere near qualifying for the Olympics, either; my moment didn't have to be at the Olympics, or at a national or sectional meet. It could have been a first place at an age group champs meet, or even just getting first place in the finals of one specific event. Hell, it could have been the consistent attainment of A and AA times, a personal best in the 100 fly. My moment didn't have to be huge and recognized internationally or nationally or even by the county. But regardless of how small my moment could have been, it didn't happen at all, and I don't think it truly will ever come. Not for swimming, at least. It hurts.

5 replies
mytwistedsoul July 13th, 2021

@ThePizza Hey you :) I'm sorry - I wasn't sure if you wanted a reply or not but I can't not say something because - swimming was a big part of your life but maybe that dream isn't as gone as you might think. I mean - I'm not trying to be disrespectful or invalidate how you feel in anyway ok? Right now you're doing what's best for your mental health and you're making sacrifices to it. That's a big brave - adult thing to do M. I admire you for it. It's so hard to make those sacrifices - boy do I know. But * there's allways a but* maybe In time - things will hopefully get better for you. You can still enjoy the pool now on your terms - maybe practice when you feel up to it. With college - maybe you can try out and from there anything is possible - yeah? Idk - just maybe your moment isn't gone - just set to the side for right now until you're ready for it
Be gentle with yourself M and your thoughts

4 replies
mytwistedsoul July 13th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul @ThePizza

Forgot to tell you - don't look down - from Ari - ok?

3 replies
ThePizza OP July 16th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul
Interesting song Ari, some of the lyrics matched pretty well. I was surprised by how long it was lol but kind of cool 😋

2 replies
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ThePizza OP July 13th, 2021

@mytwistedsoul

J and Ari— thank you 💙💙