Scattered Thoughts

I think my grip on the depression has been worse than I thought, or maybe I'm having some particularly strong depression days idk. I think I have less distractions without school, and god I am so glad to not be in school right now but I think it's still affecting me anyway. I still have a list of things I want and/or need to do but it's been getting harder and harder to make progress on that list. I think I've been alone with my thoughts for far too long now. I'm not sure how much of it is from my depression and how much is from the aftermath of the pandemic (not being able to hang out with friends, disrupted from normal routines, etc.) but I don't feel particularly hopeful that anything will really lift this and make me feel better. I feel so far removed from everything— myself, my friends, my interests— and I don't know what will help me cross that distance to get back to feeling in tune with everything else. So many things swirling around my brain in one giant tangled mess that's been impossible to get unknotted. I need something to change, soon

You're supposed to do the things to function and that will make you happy right?? Like you set up your routines and tasks, things you need to do to stay physically and mentally well and once you've been doing those consistently for a while your good mood stays? That's what they say a lot of times but I'm starting to wonder if it actually works like that

The Tower of Nero, the fifth and final book of the Trials of Apollo series, came out around ten months ago in August 2020. I have been avoiding reading it for several reasons, even though I had preordered it and have owned a copy this entire time— partly because school was starting and I didn't have time, partly because I just can't read like I used to, partly because I have heard it's the last book the author is writing relating to this particular storyline and that's very bittersweet for me. Well, I've finally reread all four of the previous books as a refresher, and I started The Tower of Nero today. Already about halfway through it haha. I'm loving it so far it's great and there are references and other funny/clever things and just

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You'd better educate yourself but never too much

Finished the last trials of Apollo book
i am in pain

So many things that have been taken for granted

I think I really have changed a lot in the past few years. A lot of things for the better, but there's still so much I don't know about myself and so much I want to change. The way I used to be— yikes. The things I can't let go but hate— double yikes

Nothing feels right anymore and I don't know how to go about explaining it to other people. Hell, I don't even understand it myself. I've been getting professional help yet I struggle so much to find the words to describe this weird, unreal state I'm in. And there are many things I still haven't brought up either, things I really should work on. It's hard to tell another adult who knows your parents about the ways you feel your parents have wronged you, the things that make you suspicious that your life has been a lot different than what is considered the norm. Never wanting to become like them but it feels almost inevitable— when you depend on people for a necessary resource, to some degree it affects you the same way it does them. They've been filled with the poison and now I, the dependent, feel it coursing through my veins too

How does something you need to survive become such a toxic thing in one's life? I'd die without it but at the same time it's killing me. Slowly but surely— and soon it won't be slow

It feels weird to talk about it. Sort of a forbidden subject I guess, and to some degree society already expects me to have this problem, or at least to be much more likely to develop it, because I am of a particular demographic. I hate playing into people's expectations when I don't like those expectations.

The swimming should have helped but it didn't. And seeing physical reminders every day made it worse, especially in this sport. Now I don't even have the swimming and it's hard to get myself to exercise. I do it infrequently, random spurts of success and failure at keeping up the routine.

How is it that such a strong hate hasn't ever been enough to keep me on track to fix this problem?

Watched the end of the Wimbledon tennis championship today— my mom used to play tennis and she had it on and I watched too. The commentators said something about how the girl who ended up winning, Ashleigh Barty, had taken some sort of mental health break from tennis for some time and then decided to come back too it. That's incredible to me— that she took time off and did other things, but was still able to come back to the sport and win the championship. There's so much training that goes into that, and it's great too that she put her mental health first and her family supported that decision. Seeing her processing her victory gives me a sense of loss. I know I'll never have this moment with swimming. And not just the fact that I'm nowhere near qualifying for the Olympics, either; my moment didn't have to be at the Olympics, or at a national or sectional meet. It could have been a first place at an age group champs meet, or even just getting first place in the finals of one specific event. Hell, it could have been the consistent attainment of A and AA times, a personal best in the 100 fly. My moment didn't have to be huge and recognized internationally or nationally or even by the county. But regardless of how small my moment could have been, it didn't happen at all, and I don't think it truly will ever come. Not for swimming, at least. It hurts.

@mytwistedsoul

J and Ari— thank you 💙💙