Scattered Thoughts

This is the beginning of week two of my break from swimming. So far my plan is to go back when longcourse season starts, which is the end of March/beginning of April, but we'll have to see. Still feeling disconnected/maybe even dissociated(?) all the time so its hard for me to actually experience how I know I would feel, if that makes any sense. I know that I'm sad I'm missing out on so much training and I know that if/when I go back it's going to take more time to build myself back up. I also miss being in the water and my friends. Though most of them are in different groups anyway so it's not a huge difference. Mainly right now I'm feeling relieved that I don't have a commitment every single day other than school. Has helped me feel a little less guilty and stressed about taking breaks from schoolwork throughout the day. It's kind of funny that I feel so detatched from it all now. Months and months of agonizing over quitting or continuing— I guess finally I couldn't take it anymore. I know that there is… deep disappointment and regret surrounding swimming for me. There has been for some time. I feel like it's going to be something I confront in the future to process, maybe even as an adult. Idk. Lately I've been using a (probably unhealthy) strategy for situations of repeating to myself that I am merely stating facts, whatever the other person says is what they say, and overall just a feeling of detachment so I can avoid the anxiety and nervousness before and during the situation.

Thought Dump

Freaking Delta Math

NF on repeat. The music is comforting.

Very tired and upset. Was that me who said that? I dunno. Autopilot taking over again. Is it dissociation or not?? I don't know. And apparently no one else does either. Freaking done with school.

What's the point?

Well that was awkward. The two of us find it authentic but shrug I've been feeling weird after. Divide. All virtual for a long long time.

Need more hats (Well. WANT more hats)

Yes I know that I'm the only person that can change me

Maybe that's why I ain't changing

That's why I ain't changing

I got too much on my mind I guess I don't know how to face it

!!!!!

Learned behavior

Stop that. Just enjoy it instead of falling to the calculations and plotting all the time

I don't want to imagine that. Why does it keep coming back

Pine tree went up in flames. When did that happen?? And why?? Did it really just happen after I told them it was thriving AGAIN?? Want to tell them it's gone but jeez I've already talked about it enough.

FREAKING DELTA MATH.

How much of this is normal or to be expected, and how much isn't? How much had that particular impact on me and my life? Don't know how to compare the situation to others. Should tell her about it and ask

Zoned out almost all the time. Or maybe it is all the time?? Funny thing is I'm so zoned out I can't tell anymore if there have ever been moments where I wasn't.

Tired of the scrolling but it happens anyway. Can't find a way to stop. Or maybe I just need to enact some willpower. Haven't had that in a while.

So much has changed.

I'm sorry. I want to talk to you again and hear how you've been but I'm so lost inside myself I don't know how to start. I don't want to lose you but it feels like I will anyway and I hate this. My fault. I'm so sorry. I didn't want it to be like this

Who even knows how I feel about things anymore? Been hard to separate out my feelings from what I've absorbed coming off of others.

Rap

Halloween

Hearing loss

No appetite! Ha! They don't know the half of it. How do I know for sure? Pretty certain they would have done something about it if they did.

Would very much like to lie on the floor next to you and just vibe. No words needed just keep each other company.

Frozen.

Cross-eyed so easily. Virtual is taking its toll

Who even knows anymore?? Do I feel this way because of me or because of friends? Is it dysphoria or dysmorphia? Wish I had the strength to bring these questions up with her. Then again I opened up today so maybe it'll happen soon. There's one piece of good news at least.

Everything is tainted. Don't trust my mind. When I say everything I MEAN everything!!! Leave me be

Late nights

Staring out the window doing eighty-five

Got my state of mind

Walking on that gray mind

Hoping that my stress dies

It's like I hate it and I love it at the same time

....

Getting too close to me

Could be dangerous

Who

I've failed them. I've failed myself. Seven or eight years of that, for what? Always the regret. I'm sad. It kills me inside.

It's pretty hard to watch

Things you used to love turn to things you wish you forgot

Or do I?

No. no

Nah

Don't make me get up tomorrow. Why. I'm so screwed.

Screwed because of the FREAKING DELTA MATH I HATE IT

I have been dealing with alot of things like he way i feel

one mintue i want to change and do whats right

then the next my brian wants me to do something wrong

i guess we all have a angel and a devil on both shouldres at some time

I jsut wnat to listen to the one wearing white'

Too draining

You know what I really hate about the American public education system?? We spend so much time learning things that will not be useful to the great majority of us. And at least in my county they don’t teach us things like grammar, spelling, cursive, how to properly take notes, and tons of other things, yet they still expect us to somehow know those things for high school, college, and even middle school at times. I’ve expressed that I wish I was learning these things, and other topics that I’m interested in, and adults and some kids love to say “research and learn about it on your own time”. But I don’t HAVE my own time!! My time is spent at school and on homework, on clubs and extracurricular activities, some of which I enjoy and others I was pressured to do because it looks good on a college application. I don’t have enough time to eat, sleep, and take care of myself properly, so of course I don’t have time to teach myself entire subjects on my own. It should be taught to us in actual school instead like it used to be

The love for a outspoken prsident

I know that if i write this some people may be offended by the idea of Donald trump being the best president

but I cnat help the way I feel, we all ahve opinions and jsut like butts they can stink.I think donald trump was the msot well spoken , loyal , warmth person taht was president.

he spoke the truth no matter what tge cost was, or who he offended

he spoke his mind and he used his own words instaed of suing a teleprompter.

say whatever you wnat to say I think that his four yr reign was the most suberp presidency ever

I know that he was trying to get things done expecially with finding The cure

he had the sciencetist to find it and they did so Congradulations to him

I love him and the truth is my right as an american to speak openly about it

How far is too far?? Are they right when they say I'm too sensitive?? What is appropriate to put up with and what isn't? Or— what is appropriate to cut ties because of and what isn't? Could I do it? Certainly would be seeing them less anyway. Maybe just not living in the same house would be enough. I can't tell if as I've read more I'm looking out for more things or if they really are/have been occurring. When does it qualify as toxic or harmful? I can't seem to recall specific experiences because my memory is so jacked up. (Another thing I worry about.) Which then leads me to question if I was overreacting to the situation. Is it really me who is in the wrong? I'm doing my best to eat things I don't like if they're healthy, shouldn't that be enough? Why must I be scored for having narrower preferences?? And sometimes I wonder, are they even narrow or are they just different than yours? "Sometimes you just have to deal with it," you say. "There are things in life you will have to go through and bear." So. AM I being too sensitive? Or are you just not listening to me when I politely(!) ask you to try and make changes?? Or maybe I'm not properly communicating what I want you to change or just how much it affects me. Most days it seems like I'll never really know for sure. Yes I'm upstairs a lot now, with online learning— my new desk is up here. And yeah I spend a questionable amount of time working on schoolwork but it's because I'm struggling and we've been working through this. No, I really don't want to come downstairs and talk with the family. And I hate the way you phrase it too— "You could come down and talk with us, :((" all sad and disappointed. Stop. Just stop. I'm tired of your passive aggressive ways. The way you talk so loud that it hurts my ears to listen to you. Even when you're in a good mood it's just so LOUD and it really does hurt my ears. The subtle hinting, we should go outside more we should clean the house we should exercise more we should read more we should eat more healthy foods we should eat smaller portions we should this we should that. It's so tiresome. And I really do think it's been one of the most damaging things to me (and brother too) over the years. The way you get annoyed at dinner and leave in a huff, stomping away. Slam your dishes in the sink after roughly rinsing them. The sighs. Setting things on the counter with more force than necessary, ripping open drawers and slamming them shut again. I feel as though I really am seeing just how petty and childish you are at times. Even my dad gets frustrated by it. Why are you so easily angered? Oh another one— "Did you exercise today? Did you use the treadmill that we waited forever for and spent a lot of money on and let you quit swimming for??" Stop!! You're talking to (brother) and I still feel the guilt! Hm. This could be why guilt is such a huge thing I carry inside. I don't know how I feel about this anymore. Society tells you to love your parents, to love your mother, but your presence just feels so toxic a lot of the time. Why do you think I'm so touchy about personal space and privacy?? "I was looking for your phone while you were at camp so I could charge it but I couldn't find it. I went through your desk drawers and found all the trash in one you really need to empty it out. Where was your phone by the way? Never found it." Gee I wonder why. Yeah fair I should throw away the trash (and now I have an actual trash can so that's good) but wtf?? Going through my drawers?? Or, maybe that's not such a terrible thing and I'm just blowing this out of proportion… I don't know anymore okay? Yeah no shit you couldn't find my phone. Turned it all the way off and hid it in my room. I don't trust you or (father) to not go looking through it or reading messages. Happened years ago but I still remember— I was talking about a friend and (father) asks if she was held back or something. No, not that I know of, why do you ask? And your response? You saw the email she sent me and based off her writing you thought she was held back?? You read an email that MY friend sent to ME, and then insulted her intelligence?? Why do you guys not realize why I'm so paranoid and secretive at times?? Leave me alone already!! God I hate this. It's so draining interacting with (parents) every day, and it's so much worse in quarantine and now that I'm on a break from swimming too. (Brother) is pretty draining too at times but oh boy. I really don't enjoy family time all that much. It's the little things you do that upset me. Hurt building up over the years, even though I can't remember the exact cause every single time. Which makes me doubt if this is normal or not. How would I know?? Plenty of my friends have parent issues anyway so I don't really have an average to compare to. Is this what is to be expected? I understand that there are so many ways to unintentionally mess up a child but I feel like a lot of other acquaintances I have are closer to their parents. Don't touch me, don't get pissy about my touch aversion or the fact that you're one of the worst sound producers for my misophonia. It's so hard to know if you really are toxic or not. And what am I to do about it anyway?? One day at a time I guess. Eventually I'll have my own place and more control then. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back and know with absolute certainty: Yes, it was them and not me. But for now I don't have that ability. Too sensitive, picky eater— over and over these things have been beaten into me. Is it true? Is it true a little bit but you could also stop doing a couple things? Or am I actually fine and you're just harming me? Does it matter if I'm more sensitive than others? Would it be fairer to tell sensitive people to toughen up or fairer to be gentler with them? I really don't know. "Do you want to hear a fun fact?" Is what I said tonight. You misheard me and thought I said "Do you think I'm fat?" When you explained that was what you thought you heard you said you were going to respond "No of course not, where did that come from?" Or "Why do you think that?" True if that really had been what I said it would be off topic but??? Where did I get that idea? WHERE DID I GET THAT IDEA?? Readers, I'm sorry about the language— Where the FUCK do you THINK I got that idea?! Hmm??! I am quite certain you can figure out one of the major places I got that idea! I don't want to end up the same as you. And also I don't want to damage my body and die early. I worry about my organs malfunctioning all the time. "Don't be a hypochondriac like your grandfather." And that's another thing. Why do you bash your father in law so much?? Can you please stop?? It makes me so uncomfortable, especially when they're visiting and I can feel the dislike radiating off of you. Even my (father) joins in with you at times and I hate it. So judgemental allllllll the tiiime. It's extremely wearing. Being forced to deal with the constant waves of negative energy I get from you and the family in general— and yes that is a thing us introverts need to charge our social batteries and some people are infinitely more draining than others. I just don't feel close to you the way society says I should be. And I don't know if that's your fault or mine. Probably both you know? But… I really do wonder if you're legitimately a toxic person or even emotionally abusive. I don't know. I'm not sure. Haven't even talked about this much if at all to therapist because you meet with her to. I mean… I trust her. And she is good with the comfidentiality thing. But idk. There's so much I haven't gotten to yet. Even something I wrote at the beginning of this post that I just couldn't put out in the open yet. I honestly don't think I love you the way I "should" but when that should is determined by society, must I follow it anyway? I really have been increasingly thinking about this over the years. Do I stand my ground or nod and smile so you're in a good mood later on? Do I tell you straightforwardly my likes and dislikes or do I soften it so you don't get angry with me for having preferences? Talking to you is such a minefield, (mother). Oh and as for you (father)— a week or two ago?? What the hell was that?! You legitimately got angry with me for asking you a question, but then asking (mother) the same question to double check?? Yeah your answers were the same. What the fuck is wrong with double checking?! Idk what I can and can't eat anymore when it's a freaking minefield!! Food is such a disaster now, what a wild thing it's been over the years. (Mother), you worry the adderall will give me the side affect of a decreased appetite and think I'm skipping meals (which is often true or partially true but not the point here) and yet you chose me for portion sizes? What do you want? There's a reason I'm so insecure about all of this. Several reasons. It's been a tug of war my whole life and now I can't ever seem to eat properly. Eye contact has been something I've struggled with lately.

It's hard to feel these days

Hours and minutes go passing by and all you can do is watch the time slip away from you

You wonder if you can ever get it back (you know that you won't)

Such a short lifespan. Tubeworms in methane seeps at the bottom of the ocean can live to be hundreds of years old. And they have hemoglobin too

Cross-eyed and blurry: it takes effort to zone back in (yet it isn't quiet zoning in--- still quite out of it)

Highloft refuge

Though still a prison of made up words and excuses, cameras on but sometimes off. Everyone else has gone dark and doesn't say a word. You used to, but now almost all of your contributions are written

Blank spaces

At least the music is always there. But you have to go to some convenience to listen to it, especially when the chromebook is not with you or in use-- but too afraid to officially set it in stone like the rest of them. There would be judgement. They would most likely be upset, get mad, ask questions: restrict, always restrict. So you keep the music hidden, close tabs when they enter the room, just in case they get close enough to see the screen.

Flesh prison~ is it one or the other? Can't tell anymore. It could be both. Maybe a part of you hopes it is. Both are uncomfortable and harmful and yet. Don't think you would be able to handle having neither. Twisted mind, poisoned thoughts, keep it inside your head so only you ever know about it

Lost the next one

You look back and hate who you were. You look to the future and worry about what you could become. You see yourself in the present and hate that too. Who are you if there ins't a single version of yourself to be found? All these years that have gone by and for nothing? You only get one chance. As far as we know. Squandering yours. Time to reinvent yourself but there's work to do. Don't sleep

Staring away into the mind is comfortable at times. A refuge. Too bad you constantly find yourself pulling out of it to smile and not. Fake it til you make it right? Well I haven't made it anywhere

What a scam

All those years for this? For nothing? What was I doing different from them? They always moved up, improved, went above and beyond, left me behind. Been here since the beginning. I have connections and ties all over the place and yet... how could I go on? I and you are the same. But is it really fair to say that they left me behind? I don't think so. I didn't follow them, more like. They improved at a steady, normal rate while I stagnated. I have no one to blame but myself. I can try to point the blame in other directions, or argue that they had a few advantages-- maybe they did? Maybe they did. But still I was held back by something. Did I not understand it the same way they did when we were all young? Was it because I was the older sibling? Because my parents hadn't done this in their childhood or college years? Where did I go wrong? I will never get those years back. Maybe this is something I'm still processing. I think it is. So many years.... so many years. So much time and effort put into it--- but was the effort really there? If it had been, wouldn't I have gotten farther along?? I failed. I can't get mad at them for being successful. I cheer them on. They cheer me on. But it doesn't make me feel any better on the inside. I had one shot. We all did, but they made something of theirs when I didn't. Without the dysfunction would I have done better? Is it even right of me to call it dysfunction if I can't be sure? Hasn't been proven in any way. It's just my suspicions. Time to get up and leave before they tell me to do so but I don't want to sleep just yet. I still have more to say, more words to spill out and pour from the deep recesses of my mind. Typing on a touchscreen just isn't the same as the rhythms and feel of a computer keyboard. Sit here waiting. Tell her I'm tired, never go into the real things I want to talk about. Maybe because I know I do things that I shouldn't, and I don't want to have the embarrassment of her knowing I know I shouldn't yet still doing it anyway. It became so much. Such a big part of my life, can I really just cut ties now? Will this break turn into the end?? I don't know. How will I ever be able to decide, to make this decision??? To leave.... hurts. Yet doesn't because of how freaking numb I am all the time. Right now I feel as though I'm screaming in my mind and yet I feel so empty and emotionless. Rip yourself away and carry on tomorrow

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I don't even know what this is anymore. Why can't I just believe them?? I know they struggle hearing it too and I tell them things to let them know that it IS true and it's okay that they're struggling with believing it. And that one day they WILL be able to believe it. And yet. Those same words just don't work on me. Maybe that's why I collect it so much. It's nice to look back on. Who knows when I'll next see them again in person but maybe if they say it then I will feel it's truth. I don't fault them when I think that they don't mean it— I fault myself. Of course they wouldn't mean it, why would they?? We'll see how tomorrow morning goes. I hope I'm not being invasive by waking up early to say goodbye.

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