Scattered Thoughts

@NoneTheWiser and @mytwistedsoul, thank you for you kind words. I haven't really been sure how to reply, but know that I appreciate you.

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Not feeling so great today. I'm starting to fall behind in my schoolwork again and I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish it all today. I started on a medicine to get help with focus but it hasn't really been working much. I just feel kinda weird today. Haven't talked to many people today. Been scolding myself about something recent and idk what to do about it. A potential side affect of this new medicine is a lack of appetite, and I think that's been happening to me. I haven't been making myself eat regularly the way I should be though. Food just does not sound appealing to me at the moment, and the other stuff about it doesn't help with that. Still tired. I'm really sick of feeling disconnected from reality and this mental fuzziness that I can't seem to get rid of. I'm not sure, but I feel like it could possibly be dissociation. And I'm starting to remember more and more examples in the past where I felt this same disconnectedness I do now, so whatever it is has definitely been around for a long long time. Been falling behind on meds and hygiene too which isn't good. Today is just one of those days where I want to go to sleep and wake up to a new day where I feel better. For some reason Sundays often feel off for me.

It used to be a rocky cliff but now it's turned to sand

The waves of guilt and doubt eroded it

I keep trying to build but sand is so much less stable than solid rock

sometimes I want to let the waves sweep me away

Frustrated. Don't feel as though I am being listened to. Then the doubt starts to creep in, maybe I'm overestimating my situation, or maybe I'm not expressing it clearly in a way that they can understand. Idk. To me at least it feels more serious than they seem to think so. Getting new things to try but I haven't been. Still disconnected almost all the time and I'm getting real sick of it. I would like to be able to experience the good and neutral things, please. I even wish I could experience some of the bad things because I feel guilty when something sad or tragic happens but I still feel numb. Executive dysfunctioning is misunderstood and getting me into trouble. Stop slamming things around when you're angry, please. I still flinch inside. Don't think that I have forgotten either. I remember the anger. I remember the feelings of hurt, invalidation, and injustice. I simply pretend to move on to keep more anger from emanating from you. No, I don't feel close to you, and I don't think I ever really will. Sorry. I am trying to let myself dislike you and validate my feelings of distance even though most people would expect me to love you unconditionally. I don't, and right now I'm okay with myself for feeling like that. Don't touch me. Still not much of an appetite but trying to eat. It slips on automatically. I pretend not to see them there and let myself space out looking into the distance but then they walk up and I give a cheery hello and smile. Autopilot. Not their fault. They are a good friend and I've already gone into stuff with them that I don't think I should have. One day when I wake up in the future (It'll happen, right?) I'll look back on this and be extremely disappointed. Teachers and instructors keep saying I am an amazing student that pays attention in class and participates. According to them I have such a successful future ahead of me. Funny how I always feel I could do more. Put more effort into that assignment, answer more questions in class, know the material more, ask questions more, go above and beyond more. If they think I'm doing good now, I wonder what they would say if I were ever able to reach my full potential. Because I know that this isn't it. And it haunts me.

I guess I'm destined to be a pine tree

No replies please. Thank you

Sorry about the lack of direct replys :( I read, consider, and appreciate everything that is written to me

I always talk to my therapist about feeling disconnected and stuff and personally I feel like it’s dissociation but she’s never called it that or mentioned dissociation so I always get a little upset and I can’t figure out if I’m not describing it well enough or if my idea of what dissociation is is wrong and I don’t actually have it

And a while ago she asked if I had any past trauma which I don’t think so and I asked my mom and she said “probably not but here are some things that might have been?” And then I talked to my therapist and she said that they probably weren’t trauma

And today she asked again if I had trauma because we don’t know why I’ve been feeling so disconnected and I said not that I know of again and then she asked if I had ever/was questioning my gender/sexuality Oop

Didn't talk about it today because I was too worried my parents would hear me so I decided I'll come out to her next week (and go to a different room while doing so for utmost privacy) which opens the door for me to talk about a TON of serious stuff I couldn’t say before

I couldn't say it before because she needed the background knowledge she'll get from me coming out to her and stuff

I was too nervous to bring it up on my own but she asked about it today so now I’m ready to do it

god I'm so sick of feeling disconnected I really hate it and I hate that it's so freaking hard to describe the way I want to

What does anything matter anyway

I forgot what else I was going to say

(no replies please, thank you)

help

anxiety by blackbear

Fake You Out by twenty one pilots

thinking of you M.

Intro lll - NF

What, are you scared of me? That's embarassin'
If it wasn't for me, you would've never wrote Therapy
I've been here for you, but how come you're never there for me?
It's a little bit twisted, but I miss when you and I had scary dreams
I don't really wanna talk about it
Well, that's too bad now, Nate-- shut up!
Now where were we?
Way back in the day when
You and I had it all mapped out in the basement
Cryin' in your room like a baby
"I wish mom was here"
We all do—so we wouldn't have to hear about it
Every single record you don't really wanna change me
Yeah, I'm the one that made this happen
Do you really wanna get rid of your main attraction?
Let's pack our bags and go back to Gladwin now
Yeah, it's time for the third record
And you know I got the content
I don't wanna make you nervous
But it ain't like it used to be
We got a lotta people watchin'
You told me that you don't want me in your life,
That's pretty hard to digest
And I told you I'd leave when we die, and we ain't died yet
Therapy Session was beautiful, Nate,
But I'm wonderin' what's comin' next
Yeah, get that stupid hat off of your head when I'm talkin' to you,
You hear what I said?
You don't like the prison I built you?
Yeah, you wanna know what the funny thing is?
You keep on talkin' to me like a stranger,
But we've been together since you were a kid, yeah
Took us from a no-name
Told you everything was okay
Now you tryna cut me out of it like I ain't never been a part of it
I am the heart of it, I made this whole thing
Yeah, I put us on the dope stage
You must have no brain
What's the point of having guns if you can't aim?
What's the point of having blood with no veins?
What's the point of having love with no pain?
What I'm sayin' is me without you doesn't make any sense
I know I'm intense in controlling,
But you need to learn how to cope with it
That's just the way that it is
If you didn't want me to live in your house,
You shouldn't have let me move in
It's comfortable here and I like it,
I got my own room and everything
It don't get better than this!
You say you wanna own your life,
Then wake up and take your own advice
You just mad 'cause you know I'm right
Yeah, I'm flattered you put me in Mansion,
But you should've told 'em right
'Bout your hands on the coldest nights
You didn't tell 'em 'bout the times you and I used to hold the mic
I mean, what are you, outta your mind?
'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!
Is this what you wanted?
Both of us out in the open? Let's do it then
I mean, why are you doin' this?
I know that you're mad, but I'm not in the mood for this
We got a record to drop
So why you actin' like I'm not a part of it?
Aye, where is my shovel at?
Prolly all back, where it always is
You can't get rid of all of me
I'm the reason why
Nah, shut up, I don't wanna hear another sentence
"Hey I'm NF, is it me or the fear talkin'?"
Ha! What a dumb question!
Yeah, it's real music 'til the day we die, right?
Yeah, ain't that the slogan, Nathan?
Thought I told you to keep your mouth shut
I mean, so what? You know I never listen
Let me guess
We gon' dig a hole, kill the track, and prolly put a beat in it
Rap about it for like three minutes
Ayy, that's pretty deep, isn't it?
Wait a minute, you don't really think for a second
That you're puttin' me in this?
No, of course not, just a lil' deeper
Then we'll go inside and we can stop digging
Woo!

You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave
We did, what, you don't like bein' afraid?
It's a dose of your own medicine
What, you don't like how it tastes?
My therapist told me don't bury my issues
But I'ma be honest, man, I'm feelin' great!
I think it's only right we go back to where you were created
I wrote a song for Jonny without you,
But he ain't gon' like it, let's see how he takes it
He probably don't even remember us, does he?
I wish I was buryin' anger,
But both of us know I'ma need him for that song,
Ne still lives in the basement
Almost done, shoulda done this a year ago
I don't know why I waited
You know how I get, I put everything off of my personal life,
You hear what I'm sayin'?
That was a joke
Yeah, it's hilarious, ain't it?
You'll spend the rest of your life in my backyard
Or back of my mind, depends how you see it
Put the shovel away, time to go back in the house now,
You'll be out in a week
Tellin' me you want your room back, that's funny;
What, you ain't got nowhere to sleep?
I'ma just look out the window and laugh at you,
This is crazy to me
'Cause I thought you had me in prison this whole time,
But I'm the one holdin' the keys