Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
Cool estimation bro but the wait time is NOT two minutes
@ThePizza 
I've realized I'm numb to this most likely because I cannot handle the emotional baggage that comes along with it right now. Deciding to fuel the numbness so I can get through this. I just cannot handle it right now. Processing it later is going to be... rough. Though I feel as though I am discovering a good chunk of my life has possibly been spent in some sort of disassociated state, so it seems as though I will have a good deal to process anyway.
There are a few options.
1. I am looking into the situation too deeply, and should do more research to find out that this isn't a possibility and my suspicions are wrong.
2. I am not communicating my thoughts and suspicions in a way that they are able to understand, and therefore it is I that needs to make a change in order for them to actually understand what I am saying.
3. They aren't LISTENING to me. Oh sure they're talking with me and asking my to explain things, but then they go over it with their own words and even after I correct them they're STILL at it.
For a person who finds it difficult to ask for help but does anyway, only to be dismissed... that's not right. That is so not right. My heart goes out to them. This is your child, for goodness' sake. Why won't you listen to them?
@ThePizza
There could be a number of reasons why it seems as though they aren't listening. Fear. Denial. Depending on the situation, they could feel it's just a phase or that it's melodramatic behavior. It could even be that they simply don't understand. Sometimes I wonder if they feel it all comes down to choice. You just "choose" to be that way, you choose to be happy Or sad. If only it were that simple. Or they may feel it's for attention. Most times they just need to listen without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. They need to listen without putting words into your mouth or making you feel guilty or ashamed. It's difficult to be in this position, especially when you just want to be heard. I hear you.
So many things are falling apart and I'm not in the right state to deal with it right now. It is exhausting to pick up queues from body language, tone of voice, force behind actions, every little thing that I notice lets me know that someone is angry or frustrated or disappointed in me. Some of this data is false (though I still can't quite convince my mind that it is false at times)-- but some of it is real. Academic performance and swim attendance have plummeted. A new additional medicine that will probably take a long time to figure out the correct dosage of. Cluttered and messy room, disorganized school materials and messy desk. I need time to sort through things and clean and organize everything. Time is such a struggle for me to have though. In a moment I have to let my dad know that I'll be turning the project in a day late even though he thought I was close and I worked hard over the weekend to get everything done. He's going to be mad. I didn't come to him enough for help with problems or staying on track, I didn't time manage correctly, what am I going to do tomorrow because I must go to swim. Time to shut off my emotions and break the news to him through a disconnect so that even though I pick up on the queues I don't experience the anger and disappointment in the moment. Who knows when I will be able to process this all again because honestly I just haven't been present. I don't know for sure and I could very well be wrong but I think that I have been experiencing a lot of dissasociation and in fact, have experienced it probably more than a neurotypical person throughout my life. Grounding has not been a success so far. Focusing on what sensations I can feel on my feet doesn't make my head any less disconnected or foggy. I know that there is sort of a general idea for people who dislike their current selves that they miss the days when they were younger and wish that they could go back, but to be quite frank I don't like who I was back then either. Too much right now. Sometimes I get the feeling that my parents understand that I have anxiety but they don't really accept/try not to think about the fact that I have depression, or maybe they think it's mild. It really isn't. Dunno if I was officially diagnosed or not but I'm taking Adderall now since I probably have ADHD (though you can be benefitted by the medicine without having ADHD). Tired. Need a break. Too much to handle right now and I'm so sick of feeling disconnected and unreal. Too much
Why did I do that
They shouldn't have to read through that
why can't I believe them when they say I'm not nothing them?
what an ass I am
too strong
I suck
care too much
m leave them alone
@ThePizza Hey M - I don't think you suck and you're definitely not an ass. You're dealing with alot of things right now and - Idk - you probably get tired of hearing that. But all the little things in the day to day stuff - it all adds up and it takes time to get things figured out and get it manageable. I hope you can be patient with yourself and - well - I hope your parents can find some understanding for what you're dealing with right now and that they will be patient with you too
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
