Scattered Thoughts

I think I'd like to start writing here more.

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@RarelyCharlie @LexIris

Thank you, I'll probably put it on imgur and see if that works

@NoneTheWiser @admaiorasemper @mytwistedsoul

Here's hoping

https://imgur.com/a/6gImz3z

Some of us are lucky enough to know people that have seen parts of ourselves we'd rather they not see. Parts we're guilty about or ashamed of-- parts of us we want to kill. They've seen these parts, yet they don't turn away or ever use it against us. They still insist that we are kind or funny or thoughtful or artistic or anything else-- anything else but annoying or a burden.

It can be so so hard to believe them. We might despair-- "Why don't you just leave me? I'm a danger to you." But still, they choose to stay, constants through the ups and downs. They understand us, maybe better than we do ourselves sometimes, and if we're short with them they know it's because something is going on or we said something differently than we wanted to. Sometimes, we want to believe them, but can't shake the nagging doubts in our heads that they're being untruthful when they say they enjoy our company or we've tricked them into liking us. Sometimes, we can believe them, even if only for a few minutes. That is very powerful.

How lucky I am to know some of these people here, and even a few offline. I hope I can be this person for others too.

REPLY ASAP- So I was just babysiting at 6 and I went up feeling so dead and run down like tired bc Ive been so busy and then I texted her asking if she could come home early then I was like it would be better if you came home with your dinner because she said that was an option so then she came home 10 min later and didnt have her dinner then drove me home and is saying no worries its ok but I feel awful bc they left and cane home in 30 min and I didnt tell her until she left. Be honest what do u think of that. Do u think she is mad and wont ask me again

Nooooooo ugh words spinning away into the endless oblivion, never to be crafted and brought together quite the same way again.

Dang it!

Sometimes I wonder why we're expected to have such a close bond with family members, you know? The common logic I've heard being that your parents and siblings especially matter, since you all-- live together? I mean I get that my parents have raised me but still. Contrary to popular belief, living with someone, even for the entirety of their lives, does not mean that you know that person better than anyone else. Especially when said individual (me) does not like to share personal things with family anyway. Idk. I've tried to hint in passing that maybe they don't know me as well as they think they do, but that just leads to them saying that I'm underestimating how much they know about me. Hmm. I'm not really sure why I'm talking about this. Or writing, rather.

This is kinda random but I saw this thing that was pretty funny:

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Lol

In my county they've given us two options for the upcoming school year. You can do school online the whole time or go to the actual school in a sort of rotation. Group 1 goes to school for a week, then has online for two weeks; Group 2 has online for a week, goes to school for a week, and has online for a week; and Group 3 has online for two weeks, then goes to school for one week. After the first semester you can apply to switch to the other option, but there is no guarantee they'd be able to switch you. I'm doing the all online option, at least for the first semester, because I'm immunocompromised with the asthma. It makes sense though I am a little disappointed because I kind of wanted to go to the actual school building for the experience of going when there's only like one third of the student body there. But oh well. Since me and some other family members are at risk my brother is also doing the all online school, which he's happy about hahaha. He doesn't like school. Honestly I don't blame him. I mean I've said to my parents that I dislike or hate going to school and they get so concerned like "No you don't, don't hate it! Learning is important!" Well like I said I hate school at times. But hating school is different from hating LEARNING. I hate some of the people at school or the way teachers do certain things and the messy curriculum and having to get up so freaking early. But I like learning new things on my own, particularly when it's a topic I'm interested in. Like having to learn things for the sake of completing homework and projects or getting tested on it sucks out all the motivation I have to go and learn it. If there is a topic I'm interested in (and I don't feel crappy in general) I will enjoy being able to research it and read different articles and watch videos about it and not worry so much about fully retaining all the details. I say this like I do it all the time but in reality I'm usually tired or drained mentally or I have too many other things to do. When I do get the chance to do this though I really do have fun with it.

It's interesting how our minds work when it comes to noticing things we don't like in strangers or acquantainces versus friends or the people we care about. If someone we're not close with does something that hurts or annoys us, whether intentionally or not, we call them out or don't say anything but still dislike them for it. Our opinions of them change. But if someone we do care a lot about does something annoying or hurtful, whether intentionally or not, we might see it as an honest mistake or just kinda ignore it-- like we're quicker to point it out if it's someone we're not close with. I mean these are general averages of course different people have different reactions at different times depending on the circumstances. But also at the same time I don't feel like this always means we're ignoring any flaws of a person? I mean certainly that can happen, but I think it goes with caring unconditionally about someone where you see their flaws, but you also see their good qualities (even when they don't consider themselves as good or see the good qualities) and you get the sense that they're trying? And still overall you like them as people? I don't feel like I'm describing this properly.

People act like it's just oh so easy to change your thoughts when it really isn't. At least not for me, and I'm guessing for a lot of people here too. Maybe it's just easier for some people but I can't really control most of the time what I'm thinking about. Especially if its something I DON"T want to be thinking about. Intrusive thoughts? Hate those. Like I'm sorry but it's not as though I'm not trying here. "Just think of something else" oh? How specific. Is it really that easy for some people? Most of the time when I try to think of something else my mind goes blank or I can only remember the OTHER things I don't want to think about. Not exactly helpful.

Actually thinking is hard in general. How can I think so little yet so much at the same time?

Kinda feeling bleh. Been skipping a lot of practices here in there because I really can't imagine myself going through all that. Just really don't have the motivation or the mental energy for it. I guess right now I'm doing okay. Not worrying as much as I usually do about missing practice. Dunno if that's because apathy is setting in or if it's the new medicine kicking starting to work. Not really sure how I would be able to tell the difference at this point in time anyway. My online camp has been interesting but as the weeks go on it's definitely been harder to do the assignments because procrastination. Haha that sums up a good portion of my life-- because procrastination. Kinda reminds me when Percy was like "Yeah that sums up pretty much my whole life, because Poseidon." Lol

I think I mentioned this earlier but I've been petsitting my nextdoor neighbor's two cats. There are some people working on remodeling the bathrooms and stuff as well. When they're over there my mom comes with me but when I'm alone I get to go by myself and that is the best experience ever. Not only am I getting to spend time with cats, but I have the entirety of a quiet house to myself-- no other human beings around. I don't go upstairs or anything but I can basically chill out anywhere in the large living room and kitchen, as well as in the really nice screened-in outdoor patio. I can stay for a couple hours, and after cleaning the litterboxes and getting fresh food and water, I can spend my time petting or playing with the cats and just chilling. There is something so relaxing about being able to just sit outside on a patio where it is maybe a little too warm and humid, but nevertheless the chairs are comfortable and one or two of the cats is observing the outside or slowly dozing off. I can bring something to work on or something fun to read, or just chill and let my eyes close if they want to. It kinda feels like my own little safe place. And it's definitely a nice change of scenery. I really enjoy the time I spend there. Even my mind seems to quiet down a little bit, which is rare.

Why DO I come here anyway? I mean I know why I come but there are times that I don't have anything specific on my mind, yet I find myself drifting to here. Sometimes I want to post something, but stare and stare before acknowledging that the words aren't coming and I don't really have anything in particular to post. I guess there is something about this place that just draws me in. At the moment I feel kinda bursting with topics-- okay maybe not bursting but I feel like if I think about a topic too much or get too lost in my thoughts I'll latch onto something that I could write an entire post for. And then once that happens it can sometimes be hard for me to NOT try and write that post. There's an urge, a driving NEED to post. Perhaps it's an unconscious sign of a busy and anguished mind, who knows. I'm worried that if I don't type fast enough I won't get all the words down. The words keep coming and sometimes I can't stop them. I'm worried that I'm doing things for all the wrong reasons. Is this post still even coherent? I feel like I'm jumping around. I certainly am in my mind. I have to type it exactly the way I think in my mind or it just doesn't feel right. Haha or write. Ending before I get sucked too deep into this