Scattered Thoughts

Due to covid-19 I've been quarantining with just one family member, and have become quite depressed. I started experiencing suicidal ideation, and am constantly resisting the urge to self-harm (as this was my go-to coping method in the past). I hate bringing this kind of thing up with my friends because it's such a big burden to put on them, so I thought I would seek help here.

Thanks for reading :) <3

I apologize for my inconsistency

Someone super close to be died under suspicious circumstances about two weeks ago.

They are cremating her even though she said she never wanted to be burned. I miss her so damn much it PHYSICALLY hurts me, makes me want to vomit. I've never lost someone so close to me before. We had the same passions, almost the same past, both outgoing and loud. It's weird to think I'll never here her laugh or watch her dance in the passenger seat, sing in my living room, have our girls have sleepovers ever again. I mean I fostered her child for a while. We were family.

The last thing I said to her wasn't very nice because she was messing up her life again and family always calls out family because that's real. Then she died and we can't fix it like we always did. She died thinking that I was mad at her.

Since then I have no motivation for anything, like life has stopped moving.

I just want my friend back so I can say sorry, so I can dance with her, so our girls can see each other again.

It's unbearable sometimes. IDK what to do.

:|

:/

o-O

:(

Tried something new today and set a boundary. Actually used the words limit and boundary too

Well see how this goes

Told my parents I

Is this just it? Am I always going to have a long list of tasks to do?

Had a good practice— trying to remember that (voice in my head keeps pointing out areas that make it mediocre, not good, but Im trying to focus on good here)

I live in a neighborhood and in a house near us there was a one inch scorpion found— which is strange as I didnt think they were native here. Apparently some are native in the west part of my state (I live kinda in the east) but like— whats it doing over here lol

Been meaning to post pictures of my aunts dogs— she comes to our backyard occasionally since hers isnt fenced in but ours is. (We stand on the deck and she stays in the grass) Theyre cute— this is a reminder for myself to do that haha

Starting an online summer camp next week since the overnight one got cancelled— academic camp so a little worried about work but theyre usually pretty reasonable with the amount and I got to pick the subject to some degree

Soon Ill have to decide which counselor to continue with as my first one will be returning from maternity leave. Leaning towards going back to her but I feel kinda bad because I really do like my new one too, theyre both good

For a while during these circumstances Id felt more depressed for the majority of the time but now Im getting back the same anxiety mode I had during school. Hopefully doing the summer camp will not be nearly as challenging to schedule as I fear it will be

Swimming goes drastically up and down throughout each practice and I almost had a panic attack during one but got myself under control in time so that was good I guess

Appointments soon, ophthalmologist and psychiatrist. Dont remember if Ive updated about this before but my first counselor recommended I get anxiety medication, which she said might also help to ease the depression a bit. Which no one really talks about? Its alwayd the anxiety people focus on. Idk if thats just because I dont talk about the depression as much and it does show as much as the anxiety

Getting a lot of feeling watched vibes. Not sure if thats because Im already on edge or from other circumstances. Or my house is just haunted lmao

Could be fun to be friends with a ghost

@ThePizza

Whatcha doin?

Just because - lol :)

What to do with this life of mine

@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul @admaiorasemper

Thinking of all of you